Chapter 9

Xena and Gabrielle returned to their room shortly after dinner. The warrior was quiet, and although that was not unusual for the stoic woman, Gabrielle was still worried about her lover. The smaller woman watched as Xena sat listlessly on the pallet, staring at the floor. Taking a chance that she would want to talk, the bard knelt in front of the woman, and placed her hand on Xena's knee to get her attention. "Hey," she whispered. "Want to tell me what you're feeling?"

Xena closed her eyes at the images that were flashing through her mind. She knew why Solan had run off...he wanted no part of her. She couldn't really blame the boy. She certainly had done nothing to raise the son, ignoring him for more than ten summers. They had only met once before, and that was purely by accident. Although it was a hard decision to make, she had agreed with Kaliepus to keep the boy in the dark as to the fate of his 'real' mother. Now it seemed like a very bad choice, and one that would have repercussions for all of them in the future. Xena sighed to herself, and felt Gabrielle gently squeezing her knee. Opening her eyes, she finally noticed her partner's concerned look in the clear green orbs. "What? Did you say something?"

"I wanted to know what you're feeling," the bard replied while rising from her crouch. She sat on the bed next to Xena, and wrapped her arm around the slumped shoulders of her lover. Gabrielle reached up, and leaned Xena's head against her shoulder, stroking the glossy dark hair from the woman's brow. "I want to help, if I can."

"Gabrielle, I don't think even Gaia herself can help with this. I've lost Solan before I even really got to know him. I've made so many mistakes in my life. I was hoping to spare at least that much from him, but it looks like I couldn't even do that right."

"My love, you have to talk to him. It will hurt in the beginning, but Solan's a wonderful, sensitive boy. He'll understand."

"Will he, Gabrielle? He doesn't want to talk. He ran away from Kaliepus, the one person he considers his family. I've managed to destroy his life...he has nothing that he's sure of anymore. Solan must hate me more now, then when he thought I was the one who killed his father." Gabrielle noticed the tension building in Xena's voice, and the muscles in her arms trembling with pent up emotion as she clenched her fists. The warrior pulled away from the blonde, stood up and began to anxiously pace the small room. "Why shouldn't he hate me? I'm still the 'Destroyer of Nations'...although my conquests now are of a much smaller nature. Now I just crush beliefs, family...If I were him, I would hate me too." Xena shook her head. "With everything I've done, I sometimes wonder why you love me. Why you stay with me." Xena stopped her wandering, facing away from her lover. She didn't want to chance a stray look at the bard, and see the disgust she felt for herself reflected in the green eyes.

Without hesitation, Gabrielle rose from the bed and enveloped her partner in her arms. "Why do I love you Xena?" the bard questioned her. "Because I know the real you. The one that helps others unselfishly. The warrior who fights for good. The woman who bit her tongue when a naive little girl from Poteidea tagged after her and drove her crazy. And as much as you can't see it, Xena, you have changed from who you were so many summers ago. Maybe realizing that you could give Solan a better life with the centaurs was the start of who you are today." Gabrielle moved in closer, and rested her head on Xena's chest. "And do you know why I stay with you?" she began, as she felt the woman she held start to pull away. "I stay because I don't know where I would go or do without you. You are my home. You have helped me become who I am today, and I like this new Gabrielle. I stay because I want to. I stay because I need to. I stay because I love you Xena, the woman who tries to change the world. I love you more each day. I love you. And even when I'm not saying it, Xena, you know I'm thinking it."

Xena drew in a breath sharply and tightened her hold on the smaller woman, recognizing the truth of her lover's words. She leaned down and softly brushed her lips across those of Gabrielle, showing her woman that she understood with the tenderness of her touch. Gabrielle returned the kiss, quietly thanking Gaia for bringing Xena into her life. Finally, Xena broke the embrace, and the bard led her back to the pallet. When Xena was comfortably resting beneath the covers, Gabrielle joined her, throwing her arms around the warrior.

A whisper broke the silence. "What am I going to say to Solan?"

Gabrielle's arms tightened around her friend. "You mean, what are we going to say to Solan?' ". Xena nodded her head, and ran her palm over the strong arms that encircled her. "We're not going to tell him anything. We're going to let him ask any questions he wants. And we're both going to answer those questions, not matter how much it might hurt at the time."

Xena nodded again, and relaxed into the arms of her bard. For once, it was easy to give up being 'the strong one', knowing she needed Gabrielle to hold her the whole night through.

Xena woke up shortly after sunrise, and slowly uncurled herself from Gabrielle's embrace. She heard a protesting sigh from her woman when the cold air of the room found the soft skin of the bard. The warrior rearranged the blankets over the sleeping woman, and left a kiss on her forehead before changing into her leathers. She planned on giving Argo a short exercising run, and stretching her own muscles in a light work out too. She decided against putting on her armor, since she would be staying within sight of the village. After grabbing some apples from the table in the main room, Xena made her way to the stable.

There was very little light in the barn, with the only illumination coming in from an opening above the loft. A happy nicker greeted the warrior as she made her way to the middle of the barn, ready to spoil the warhorse with her favorite treat. As she turned the corner to Argo's stall, she was startled to find that Solan had had the same idea, and was feeding the mare a ripe apple.

Solan had heard the woman enter the barn, and immediately felt his heart start to pound. The only way out of the stable was the one door that Xena had just entered, and he knew he was trapped. An overwhelming feeling of panic gripped him as he heard the woman stop in front of Argo's stall.

"Solan...?"

The boy heard the familiar voice and couldn't help but raise his eyes to the woman. The blueness of the eyes caught and held the youngster. He had never realized before just how much he looked like the tall warrior. The spell was broken when Xena reached out and tried to touch him. He dropped the remains of the apple and bolted past the woman, sure that she would follow him. When he reached the door of the stable, he headed for the woods, thinking he could lose her in his familiar playground. He never bothered to look back, so he didn't know that Xena was not chasing after him.

Xena fought the immediate impulse to catch her boy as he ran past her. Fearing that it would only alienate Solan more, she let him run from the stable, heading for the trees at the north side of the village. Once he was out of sight, she grabbed a support pillar of the barn, and held onto it to ground her. Her eyes closed in pain as she replayed over and over in her mind the look the boy had given her right before he dropped the apple. The look of recognition had quickly been replaced with pain and then fear. The fact that Solan now feared her hurt Xena more than the knowledge that he wouldn't talk to her. She had hoped that in time, she would be able to reach him and explain why she had left him with Kaleipus, but that look of fear changed things. She knew Solan didn't trust her, and probably wouldn't listen to anything she had to say.

The warrior picked up the half-eaten fruit and entered the mare's stall, offering it to the horse. Fighting the feeling of hopelessness that was threatening to wash over her, she leaned against the coarse hair of Argo's neck. "Well, pal, it looks like our family is going to remain to be you, me, and Gabrielle after all," Xena whispered while she scratched the animal's sensitive nose. All thoughts of a mind-clearing workout left her as she gave into her feelings of grief, her shoulders shaking with the release of pain. She didn't know if she would ever get over the guilt or sorrow of giving up her boy.

When Xena returned to Kaleipus' home, Gabrielle and Ephiny were just sitting down with two steaming mugs of tea. With one look at her lover's face, Gabrielle knew that something was wrong.

"What happened?" she asked, as she gave Xena her seat and got another mug of tea. Placing the cup on the table in front of the warrior, she then moved behind Xena to start massaging the tense muscles she knew she would find there.

"I found Solan at the stable. He ran away from me. I feel I should go after him, but I'm afraid that he'll just keep avoiding me." Xena barely tasted the hot liquid and didn't notice that Gabrielle and Ephiny were carrying on a silent conversation around her.

"What were you doing at the stables, Xena? Just grooming Argo?"

"No, Eph, I was going to take her for a run. It's been awhile since I've worked her."

"Well," Ephiny prompted. "That still sounds like a good idea. I've heard that Kaliepus has set up quite an obstacle course to train his warriors. Want to give it a try?"

"No, I think I should try to find Solan...try to explain," the dark haired woman said as she stood up. "Somehow, I have to get him to at least listen to me."

"Xena," the bard moved in front of her lover, and took the mug from her hands. "Go with Ephiny. Kaliepus is over at Danaus' place. They both probably know by now that Solan has run off again. I'll ask Danaus if he will go out and find him. I agree we shouldn't let this go on much longer, and Solan has no reason to run from Danaus. Go for a ride. Argo will probably enjoy the warrior's course."

"C'mon, Xena. Once Xenan heard about the course, that's all he could talk about. Let's see how my little guy does."

When Xenan heard his name said, he came running out of the bedroom he had been sharing with his mom and raced for the door, eager for the chance to have some fun at the track. "Xee-naahhh," the little centaur implored as he waited impatiently for the two women to join him, his hooves tapping rhythmically on the wooden floor of the home.

"Gabrielle, are you sure that Danaus will be able to bring Solan back? He looked so upset."

"Honey, go with Eph. I'm sure Danaus can find him."

Ephiny wound her arm around the tall warrior's back and edged her towards the door. Xena followed Xenan out, giving Ephiny a chance to look back at her queen, and nod her head in approval of their plan. The regent was glad she only had to keep Xena busy for awhile. She knew that Gabrielle had the harder part of the plan to complete.

The bard gave her friends a few minutes to find their way to the obstacle course, and then left Kaliepus' house. She had no intention of asking Danaus to help her find Solan, because she had a pretty good idea where the boy was. Passing through the village square, she headed for the grassy meadows, beyond which was the sacred ground where the centaurs buried their honored dead.

Gabrielle approached the graveyard from the rear and knew she had found Solan when she saw the heavy stone that once had balanced on Borias' marker lying broken on the ground in three pieces. She came around the front of the marker to see Solan sitting crossarmed against the stone, asleep. It was obvious that he had been crying and was probably emotionally drained from all that had happen in the last half week. The bard knelt down alongside the boy, and gently shook him awake. His arms shot out to the side when his eyes flew open, and he tried to scramble to his feet. Gabrielle put a restraining hand on his shoulder, and held the boy down gently. "Solan, please. I know you're upset, but you just can't keep running away."

The boy quieted down, and remained sitting not looking at Gabrielle. He rubbed at his eyes, trying unsuccessfully to keep the tears in, and said the one thing that hurt the most. "I liked her."

"And she loves you, honey. You don't know much."

"No she doesn't!" Solan tried to rise again, but Gabrielle held his hand loosely in her own. She knew he wouldn't try to run away now that he was talking. "She left me! She doesn't care!" A fresh trail of tears slipped down his face. "I must be really awful for her to give me up."

"Sweetie, you know that's not true. Do you remember how you felt when we had to leave Xena in Lorenz' village? You wanted to stay and protect her, but you knew that we'd have to leave in order to save her. You didn't want to do it, but you had to." The boy unconsciously squeezed the bard's hand as he remembered the frustration and the uncertainty he felt at the time. "And Xena was a lot different eleven summers ago, Solan," the bard continued. "She was a warlord, just beginning to question her past. She didn't have any place that she could rest, that she could call home. And she didn't know if she could protect you like she wanted to under those conditions. So she gave you to Kaliepus, because she knew he was an honorable centaur, and would raise you as his own son. She had to leave you in order to save you...just like we had to leave her at Lorenz'. Do you understand that she only wanted to help you?" Solan nodded, and Gabrielle hugged the boy to her. "She loves you, and so do I."

The youngster still wouldn't meet the woman's eyes, but at least he had stopped crying. "Why?"

"Why does Xena love you? You're her boy...and Borias' son. You're the best part of both of them."

"No...why do you love me?"

Gabrielle grasped the boy's chin, and raised it slightly so she could look him in the eyes, happy that Solan didn't shy away. "Honey, your mom means so much to me. I feel like her family...your family... is my family."

"I don't understand. McGowan's my friend, but my family is Uncle Kaliepus and his cousins."

"Solan, your mom is the other part of my soul...and she feels as if I am part of her soul. Do you know what that means?"

The boy thought about it. "I think so...you love her, and she loves you."

"That's right, honey. And now you know why it was so hard for me to leave her at Lorenz'. I was scared for her, and I wanted to protect her, but I knew I couldn't do it by myself." Gabrielle again hugged the boy. "It's hard leaving the ones you love...even if you know it's for the best."

Solan rested his head in the crook of the woman's neck. "Are you sure she loves me?"

"Yes. But I know you won't be sure until you ask her. Do you think you're ready for that?" the bard prodded, as she rose to her feet, still holding onto the youngster's hand and helping him to stand.

"I'm scared. What am I going to say to her?" The tall spiky grass crunched under their boots as they walked through the meadow towards the village.

"What do you want to say to her?"

"Um...I liked the fishing lesson. I like the way she smiles at me."

"That's good...anything else?"

"Ummm...I like being with her."

"I know she likes being with you too, Solan. And you know what? She is just as scared as you are. She thinks you won't ever like her again." They were passing the obstacle course area, and Gabrielle noted it's emptiness. 'Already done...I hope Eph got her back to the house,' the bard mused to herself. The two friends crossed the village square, their feet kicking up dust in the dry dirt. "Well, here we are. Ready?" The woman once more knelt by the boy and hugged him. Solan threw his arms around her and squeezed back. The blonde stood up, and opened the door to Solan's home.