PONDER THESE THOUGHTS
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.
-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-Atheism is a non prophet organization.
-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
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It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has
deteriorated.
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems
longer.
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
-Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
-If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
-Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
-How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
-If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
-If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
-If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?
-If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?
-You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
-Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
-Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
-Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
-Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
-You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
-Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?
-If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects
in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
-If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
-Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
-Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
-Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
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If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
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Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
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Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
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Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
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Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
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Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
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If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
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Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
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How can someone "draw a blank"?
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Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
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Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
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Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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What is another word for "thesaurus"?
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When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
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If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10
miles away?
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Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
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Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
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Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
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Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
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Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
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Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?
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Does a fish get cramps after eating?
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Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
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Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
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Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
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What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
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After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting
out of the water?
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How can there be self-help "groups"?
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If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
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If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with
soap?
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If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he
automatically lose because he can't find himself?
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
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Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
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Is there another word for synonym?
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Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?
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When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?
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When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
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When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
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Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
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Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Why do they report power outages on TV?
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Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
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I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.
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When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
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I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
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Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
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How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
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What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
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If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
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When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
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Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
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Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
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Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
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I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
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The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
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Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
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Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
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Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
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All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.
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The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
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Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?
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Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
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Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
-How is it possible to have a civil war?
-If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
-If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
- Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
- Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?
-
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he
automatically lose because he can't find himself?
-
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
-
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
-
Is there another word for synonym?
-
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?
-
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
-
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
-
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
-
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
Why do they report power outages on TV?
-
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
-If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?
-Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those
millions and he never owned a Cadillac!
-Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do . . . write to these men?
-Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
-Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an
emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!
-Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese
mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
-People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are
they doing? Cramming for finals?
-Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too
tired to bounce it.
-Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you
came from!"
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