PONDER THESE THOUGHTS


-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-Atheism is a non prophet organization.

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

- It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

-Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

-Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

-Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

-Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

-Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

-If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

-Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

-Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

-How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

-If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

-If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

-If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

-If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

-If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

-You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

-Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

-Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

-Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

-Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
-You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

-Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

-If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

-Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

-If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

-Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

-Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

-Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

- If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

- Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

- Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

- Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

- Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

- Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

- If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

- Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

- How can someone "draw a blank"?

- Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

- Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

- What is another word for "thesaurus"?

- When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

- If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

- Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

- Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?

- Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

- Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

- Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

- Why does one get in trouble for WRECKless driving?

- Does a fish get cramps after eating?

- Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

- Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?

- Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

- What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

- How can there be self-help "groups"?

- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

- If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

- If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

- Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

- Is there another word for synonym?

- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

- Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?

- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

- I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

- Everyone has a photographic memory. But some folks don't have film.

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

- I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

- What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!

- Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

- Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!

- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.

- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?

- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- How do I set my laser printer on stun?

-How is it possible to have a civil war?

-If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

-If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

- If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

- Why do they call them "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

- What happens when none of your bees wax?

- Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

- Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

- If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

- If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

- Is there another word for synonym?

- When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

- Why do they report power outages on TV?

- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

-Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

-If you jogged backward . . .would you gain weight?

-Being rich and it don't mean so much . Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!

-Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?

-Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

-Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldnt a good response be to write . . . A Good Doctor!

-Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

-People seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. What are they doing? Cramming for finals?

-Old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

-Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!"
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