November 8th 1999
4:31 pm
    Today is very mested up i wasn't feeling good this morning listening to Tony Lucca made me feel better and top it all i have fruit loops for breakfast. Anyways i really didn't want to go to school today but i had to i had a test to take a project to hand in and people to see. Well listening to Tony's music last night and this morning and right know makes me feel weird i mean i know i'm supposed to be all fun and games but i swear i'm not like that right know i need a break of being me for a day maybe being someone else i don't know who but it needs to happen soon maybe i need this trip to Florida get away for the life i'm in know one knows me down there execpt my family what do i have to hide. I need to find my self but i think as i get older i'll find more things about myself i never knew before maybe thats what i need to do is grow up and think of things more like a person of a different age would. School totally sucked see i had to bring my project into school today and i made it of skateboard wheels and a cereal bowl with wraping paper over it everyone keep on asking me if it was a birthday present and i was like know it's my science project. ( i had to make a bobseld) Anyways that class got over and i had to go to spanish which was ok i guess and then came world history which i had to watch a stupid movie which i didn't watch i did my homework instead and then i had math and my buddy mike was there and when we went to lunch we went in line and we got ice cream it was very funny cause this gay dude was behind us and we were laughing when he talk. Well during lunch the guys decide that they were gonna through nickels down us girls shirts and think it was the funny thing in the world. Well i went to chorus and saw 2 buds mike (different mike) and kellie and there both uper classmen see kellie is a junior and mike is a sophmore. Well last period came and i had to take a test and it was sort of easy but i don't think i did to well on it b/c i forgot about it. Well Back to know i don't know whats going on with a couple of friendships i have with people right know. I know i'm busy and it's not like i see these people all the time but maybe thats whats making me feel down or the part that i really miss my aunt and this will be the 2nd thanksgiving with out her and i can't bear seeing her this year. It was hard for me b/c she was like a second mother to me and my cousin said i was like the daughter she never had. It feels weird going to see my uncle at there house cause i feel that oh she's out some were and will be back in awhile but she never returns. See my aunt was sick for awhile and then the day after we had my birthday party at her house she got really sick and then a few weeks after that they took her away from me. The murders up above. My thats the reason i lost my faith actually i never thought i had any. In this world we lose so many people and why because God says it's time well all I have to say is thats crap why are we born anyways if were gonna die! In This world we are born and then we die and it happens all the time why b/c It only natural to me thats a whole lotta crap. If we are born were gonna end up dead and living in the ground and them reborned in the world again as they say. But why is it that people call others muderers if God says it there time to go shouldn't God be part of the blame. Our should all the blame be put on this one person and when someone dies who is the person crying to "Oh god  why did you take him he was so young why god why not my child" you here it all the time so why why is it that we die and were exactly do you go. I'm not saying here that i don't believe in him or her. Yes i also said her. How do we not know that god can be a girl. We just jump to the conclusion b/c man came first. To me i feel like someone is telling my life story and is just reading the page as my life is going on that min. like the words come up as i'm doing something. To me something can't be build in 7 days and you don't know if it's a story or it's realbut know one has proof unless you were there. Maybe i'm just mad at God for talking my aunt away from me still but to me mother earth isn't the only female. Well thats all for today
bye
 

November 9th 1999
3:56
    Hello anyways life is ok today but i need things to defiantly to change. Tomorrow will be weird cause Jesse will be coming to my school and i'm nervous because i don't want to flip out infront of him or like get anyone mad at me b/c i'm so happy my best friend is coming to my school. See me and my other best bud Ally love to bother him and were like happy cause we get to bug him tomorrow. I'm still nervous about though b/c i don't want to act like a fool. See i love jesse but you now but i do have a boyfriend that i love dearly but jesse is the guy that had my heart first and it's still hard to get over him but i did it and i'm proud of myself see jesse was a learning experence and it was a good one but it was a something that i had to do and get over it so i know not to do it later on in life. Anyways, y do people act just plain stupid i swear it's disturbing today i was just in the hallway and my best bud came up to me and told me that one of her and my friend was going around and saying that they weren't friends anymore how immature is that god it's very disturbing. Ok another thing that i thought that was very disturbing was that this kid nick is like best buds with my boy and like he just breaks in a convo whenever he sees me with bry or when bry is with me and with my friend ally. Today we were having a convo and he just broke into it when we were just in the middle of the convo i swear i was about to beat his ass cause he does it all the time and it pisses the hell out of me so i just sit there and ignore him it's vert funny. So call me evil but it's just so disturbing when people just act plain stupid. Today in my English class we had to answer these questions on what we look for in a friend and what is are american dream with our self and america. I just wrote down something that i believed in and my teacher was like very good that's good and i felt all proud. Anyways today is ok again i'm sitting here listening to tony and his music is so inspiring to me his words are amazing and i love it. Well peeps that all for today
 
 

November 9th 1999
9:10pm
ok I guess I decided to write more today. I just finished watching Buffy the vampire slayer and it made me very sad what oz did to williow was mested up he shouldn't of done it. Seeing someone cry like reminds me of what happened to me I never knew that people can do that to others getting cheated on really hurts it feels like your soul is getting ripped out and it's being stomped on over and over again no one disserves that no one should go threw the pain of someone that you love hurting you and if they wanted to do it break up with the person first instead of breaking their heart. People take the advice don't hurt someone you love cause one day it will end up coming right back at you and believe me I got the history and marks to prove it. I'm not here causing any pain for anyone but it hurts when you thought the person you loves goes behind your back and does something with one of your "friends" or someone you don't know. Maybe I did need this pain of being hurt it taught me a lesson know what your getting into and if a friend says watch out listen they know and if there a true friend they won't say I told you so but they'll be there for you. Well I'm gonna go to bed know love ya all. And remember be kind to each other.
bye
 
 

November  10th 1999
5:49pm

Hello today sorta sucked i didn;t see jesse or mr. conroy i on;y saw mr. waldrop and mrs. kelly and i really don't like them that much. Hey brb gotta go potty....................Ok i'm back well anyways, not seeing jesse really sucked i mean his like my big brother and i really needed to see him i know that all i have to do is walk up the street but it's different at school cause your making an entrance and people are like looking at you. I really hate alot of people in my school most of them are girls since i really only get along with the male force but there are so women that i love as friends. See i have heard time trusting people the first person i trusted that was a gurl was my best bud ally see i always hanged out were i wanted i was treated badly and sometimes i was treated ok but life sucked untill i met ally. See me and her have a song and it may sound really weird but it's on the new backstreet boys album and it's called No one else come close:  When we turn out the lights The two of us alone together Something's just not right But girl you know that I would never Ever let another's touch, come between the two of us 'Cause no one else will ever take your place CHORUS No one else comes close to you No one makes me feel the way you do You're so special girl to me And you'll always be eternally Every time I hold you near You always say the words I love to hear Girl with just a touch you can do so much No one else comes close And when I wake up to The touch of your head on my shoulder You're my dream come true, oh yeah Girl you know I'll always treasure Every kiss and everyday I'll love you girl in every way And I always will, 'cause in my eyes CHORUS - repeat............Ok i know the song may sound like a lesbond love affair but it's not we both love the song and it just remind us of the times we have together.  KYM I LOVE YOU hehe anyways bry don't start thinking i'm not a lesbo. well i do have to go
bye
 

November 12th 1999
5:40pm

Hello today was a sucky day. I got my report card and i was 1 point off from getting honors so it sucked i got 3C's and 4B's and i can't believe my English teacher gave me a 77 he told me i was doing good in my class the freakin fool.  See i don't like school right know and i tell my dad and he's all yelling at me for the C's and it's not like i don't know that i can do better in school and it's not like i dont try. Anyways something actually good happened to me i got into performing at solo night and my chorus teacher wants me to be in chamber choir next yr so i think it's cool. Well jon i miss you and i wrote you a letter to.
bye
 

December 14th 1999
3:54 pm

Hi! i'm not happy i'm tired and mested up in the head right know.  I really don't know if i should spill but all i have to say is that my heart is acting crazy and my first love is the reason for that. I saw him yesterday and he kind expressed that he still cared about me the way he acted. The punch line is i still have my boyfriend who i truely have feelings for but as they say it's and it's true you can't get over your first love even if you try. When we broke up for the last time it hit me hard b/c it kinda gave me a reality check saying he can only be a friend and you have to get over him and find someone new. Each an every night i would sit there and listen to Britney Spears From the Bottom of my Broken Heart. Lyrics:

When she sings You promised yourself, but to somebody else, And you made it so perfectly clear Still I wish you were here. It kinda of what happened to me.  And in the begining of the song when she sings And you didn't hear all my joy through my tears All my hopes through my fears Did you now, still I miss you somehow.  I did feel empty b/c i was with out him and i told myself all time that he was my life and i needed him to live. I got over that i proved to myself with the help of my friends that he wasn't my life and i controled my life not him. My advice to you never get hooked to someone b/c it's not good. He was my first love and my first kiss. He showed me what love was and i thank him for that. Today were great friends were as close as brother and sister can be and the thing is the other day we were watching trl and christina alugeria came on with her new video what a girl wants and she was singing the chorus and asked me what i want and i was speechless. As i sit here know listening to the song that brought me to tears every night i'll live you with a message love is a dangerous game play it wisely.
 

December 26th 1999
7:49 pm

    Hi people wuz up? nmh I' so happy i got a letter from jon 3 days ago and i fliped out when i got it cause i love my jon and i haven't heard from him in months. Anyways Christmas was cool actually today was better cause i got Christina's latest single and her video so i'm happy i got kid rock's album and i also got mel c's album today and i also got geri hawialls book.  My new outfit for tomorrow's party and i got one that Christina would wear but i really need the Diva shirt but i will get soon i will i will. me want to be like christina. See bryan loves her and i think it will be cool to actually be like her. I want to be were she is for a long time. Be a rock star is what i'll be when i grow up.

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