I don't understand. What is the purpose of me writing. It seems as though only one or two people may even see this website. Obviously my friends, who I have sent repeated e-mails too don't give a rat's ass about this website. All I asked was some input from them and they don't even bother to respond. I say, screw them. But I want to thank Lindsay, Manda, Lisa, Ivan, and any others who took the time to respond to my e-mails. To the rest of you that didn't even bother, nevermind, you wouldn't be reading this anyways.
A lot has changed about me in the past week or so. I always mad at things. I never yell out or retaliate, but mostly I get mad over little things. Also, it almost seems as if my heart stopped caring. I still love the softball player but it seems all other contact is lost between me and others. I mean, I put on a fake smile when I say hi, but its a challenge everyday for me. It seems everyday gets harder and harder and I just don't want to go on anymore.
I don't mean harder as in school wise, I mean harder as in I don't want to do anything anymore. Sometimes I wonder why I just don't lie in bed and never get up. I'm scared. I look over the balconey everynight and wonder if I should dive head first in the ground. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is I want to live. I don't want to die. But it's so hard to struggle day by day, I can't stand it anymore.
I am envious too. My roommates guitar and perfect have good relationships. Leather and I recently lost our girlfriends, and that was liveable with because I could talk to someone about it. But now, Leather is leaving today, I wonder what I will do. Maybe I should just leave collage too. My parents knew very little about the softball player but they knew I loved her. But is a love and a broken heart enough to make one quit school.
My heart aches and its not mental. Heart break is terribly physical too. Emotionally, my heads doing circles so fast I don't even know which way I'm going. There have been a few days where she isn't on my mind, but thats because I have been doing something, like this web page. But now, she is there all the time. I tossed and turned all night tonight thinking about her. THinking how I will never see her smile or how I will never hold her in my arms. Sure, I hope she finds the right guy down there and is happy. But I wish that guy were me. I hate living up here because I am so far away from her, but I don't think that the distance matters anymore.
I think the hardest thing for me to deal with is that if she is happy with another guy, I couldn't bare to think about it. Imagining her hugging someone that she loves more than me is horrific in thought. But to truely love her would be to let her find that love. I think that loneliness and love just don't fit together.
I know my writings have been depressing but I write how I feel. If I am depressed I will talk about why. I don't mean any harm by it and if you are reading this softball player, don't think I am insulting you or making you feel bad. Its been very hard on me, and I'm sure just as hard or even harder or you. I just want you to know that I still love you and that your friendship means so much to me. I don't know if our futures lie together, most likely not. But I want you to know that I will never stop loving you. The day that happens is the day I have nothing to live for. Loving you is my life, and I will continue to love you. I hope you find the guy thats right for you. Back to the home page