I doubt me and the softball player will ever get back together. A lot of things have been on my mind for so long, I don't know what to do. Hanging out with my friends don't help because most of them are too wrapped up in their own lives that they didn't really lend any support. I told me best friend, Mat and basically, he never said anything about it after that.
I always wonder what I should do with my life. I always aspired to be a famous computer programmer or video game maker. But I should flush those dreams down the toilet. Reality is, I would never be famous or even a good programmer. It's not that I suck at programming, I'm ok at it. It's just that I don't have any deisre anymore.
Basically, I wouldn't mind working at Jewel or Wal-mart or any other crap job for the rest of my life. As long as I keep busy enough where I don't have any time to myself, will I truely be somewhat happy. Today I was almost happy, but that was immediately crushed at the sight of a young couple today. I tried my entire day not to think about how sad everything is, and it almost worked.
I guess I need to really rethink everything out now. I still want to major in computer science, but to be locked up in a cubicle and never do anything worthwhile, sounds good to me. Thats the story of my life.
The sad thing is that I won't let her go. I will never let her go. I still love her and I want her to love me back the way I love her. But thats impossible now. I never thought two people who could be so right, could be so utterly wrong.
Another thing that bugs me is the two gifts I bought her and have never been able to send. I bought her a teddy bear named Paws and A little Hello Kitty doll dressed as a cow. It was so cute, I knew she would love it. But now, I'm stuck with two toys that only bring my sadness when I looked at them. I almost cried looking into the eyes of an inanimate object.
I know I am very depressing, most likely no one will ever read this page. I can't even explain the pain of not being able to talk to anyone about my depression. My dad's curious as in why I am so sad, but he would never understand why. I don't think many will, the lies, the secrets I keep, everything. I wish I could just blurt out the whole truth but all it ould do is make me look like a complete fool. People would look at me like I was an insane pervert.
I need a sense of escape, something to take my mind off of the reality and into something more promising. Unfortuantely, my one true escape has caused me the most pain. Playing a video game has made me sadder and sadder, not even happier for a second. Well, except when I kill a few zombies, then I feel somewhat happier, but I guess that makes me a sicko.
Ranting and Raving for an entire page serves no purpose. I have spit page after page of my feelings, but it provides no comfort. No relief, the weight is still heavy on my chest. The only person who knows the truth about me and the softball player is my sister. Even she doesn't know everything. I can't tell people certain things obviously. I just wish I could. Well, enough bitching for one day.
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