The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976)

Co-starring: Candy Clark, Rip Torn, Buck Henry

In his first film, Bowie plays an alien. Ok, that sounds believable enough. The protagonist's ship crashes somewhere out West. Also believable. He then becomes a millionaire recluse/alcoholic, finds himself the love interest of a semi-retarded earth woman, is captured by the U.S. government, becomes clinically depressed, and then, finally, escapes his captors by walking casually out a door they forgot to lock. The European version, which is what you'll most likely find at the video store, runs over two and a half hours and contains such classic Bowie lines as:

"You're just going to hurt me again!"

"Get out of my mind, all of you! Go back where you belong!"

Female Lead: "What are your children like?" Bowie: "They're like children... *emotionalpause*.... exactly like children."

The European version also includes the infamous gun/banana sex scene with Bowie and his female lead, Mary Lou, in which the whole world gets a good view of Bowie's unimpressive genitals. This movie is ridiculously hard to follow, drags like Plan 9 From Outer Space, and is scored almost entirely by bad 70s pop music. I would recommend this movie only for die-hard Bowie fans who coo and swoon at his mere mention.

Relevent Links: An Anthean's Lair, mookid loves bowie.

Most Memorable Scene:
Near the beginning of the film, millionaire Bowie faints in an elevator and hotel employee Mary Lou carries him (yes *carries* him) back to his hotel room. Once there, he wakes up and vomits. Later on, as he's walking to the bathroom, Mary Lou yells at him, "You know, I don't think you get enough to eat. Do you hear me? You're too thin!"

More cheeky dialogue:
Mary Lou asks, "What happens to you when you drink?"
Bowie: "I see things."
Mary Lou: "What kind of things?"
Bowie: "Bodies."
Mary Lou: "Bodies? Women? *laugh*"
Bowie: "...and men."
Mary Lou: "Men? MEN?"



Just a Gigolo (1979)

Co-starring: Sydne Rome, Kim Novak, Marlene Dietrich

This film is either a brilliant dark comedy or one of the worst dramas ever made.

Bowie is naive, luckless Paul, who enlists in the German army just as they are being defeated in WWI. His entire squadron is killed, and Paul spends months in a foreign hospital. When he returns, he finds that his once wealthy home has become a boarding house for prostitutes, his father has had a paralyzing stroke, and everyone he once knew believes him to be dead. Eventually, out of desperation, Paul becomes a gigolo, but not before experimenting with a number of humourous odd jobs and occupations.

Personally, I love this film. It's pure slapstick, all the way. The actors are trying *really hard* (embarrassingly hard), but if they were in on the joke, it wouldn't have that earnest quality that makes it so charming.

Unfortunately for all of us, this movie is chronically out of print on VHS. I believe you can obtain it on laserdisc if you're one of the 5 people that has one of those. The only copy I have ever seen *anywhere* was at the Hollywood Video next door to the First Colony mall in the suburbs of Houston, Texas, but I can never return because I owe a $10 late fee. If you're lucky enough to find this movie, buy the damn thing. Trust me, it's wonderful, and you'll never find it again.

Most Memorable Quotes:
Bowie: "I may be a gigolo... but I'm not a whore!"



Christiane F. (1981)

Starring: Natja Brunchorst, Thomas Haustein

This German film chronicles the true descent of Christiane from Bowie-obsessed 14-year old to heroin-addicted prostitute. The score is almost entirely Bowie, and includes Warzsawa, Heroes, V-2 Schneider, and Look Back in Anger. Bowie plays himself, and he performs Station to Station in a short concert scene.

Highly recommended.



The Hunger (1982)

Co-Starring: Susan Sarandon, Catherine Deneuve

As the film opens, one hears the familiar clicks and grinds that signal the beginning of "Bela Lugosi's Dead," and none other than Bauhaus' Peter Murphy appears, writhing and posing as appropriate. As the song progresses, the film flips from Murphy to Bowie and Deneuve, two vampires feeding on a pair of gothic clubbers. And so ends the most interesting scene of the movie.

Four words: beautifully produced, badly written. The acting is uneven; Bowie and Sarandon are both fantastic, Deneuve is... well... plastic. However, it's definately worth watching, perhaps even owning, if only for it's pop culture significance.



Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence (1982)

Co-Starring: Jack Thompson, Ryuichi Sakamoto, Tom Conti

In this guide, I belittle and beguile most of our beloved Dave's movies. I call them terrible, I claim they drag, and they do, but I still enjoy watching them over and over. Not only do I love Bowie, but I love bad movies. Once in a while, a movie crosses the line of laughably bad and dwells in the pits of the truly truly awful - movies so terrible that not even David's glowing face will save them. This is one of those movies, and I never *ever* want to see it again.

Bowie plays a P.O.W. with bleached "Let's Dance" hair, and he spends most of the movie prancing about and looking absolutely ridiculous. Bowie is just too cute (and dorky) to be taken seriously in this role. It was all I could do not to fall asleep, which is saying something considering the amount of snide heckling that was going on while I was watching it.

The Teenage Wildlife review claims Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence is a brilliant film and Bowie's best dramatic performance. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM! THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE. BAD, BAD, BAD. Avoid it as you would Black Tie, White Noise; it's not worth the two dollar rental fee.

It's been several years since I originally saw Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence, and I've recently decided that *maybe* I was too hard on it initially. Perhaps I should see it again. After all, I did fall asleep halfway through... maybe I missed something that wasn't pretentious... shit, there I go again, being judgemental and harsh. Anyway, I've been looking for another copy so I can watch it again and re-review it, but that's not been the easiest task. Apparently one copy exists in the entire state of Rhode Island, in a rural library, in a storage room that's off-limits. If I ever do get a hold of a copy, though, I *will* re-review, so hold the hate mail until then.



Ziggy Stardust: The Motion Picture (1982)

Concert footage from the Spiders' last gig in 1973. Includes charming behind-the-scenes action, a cameo from Angie, and David attempting to whistle. Precious.



Jazzin' for Blue Jean (1984)

This 20-minute short actually counts as a music video, but considering that it's one of Bowie's most adorable appearances, I thought it should be included. Bowie is Vic, a clumsy, blue-collar dork who tries desperately to make it with pretty girl Dream, who is infatuated with rock star "Screaming Lord Byron," also played by Bowie. The whole thing is really *really* cute, and it proves that while Bowie may lack something in the position of male lead, he's a great comedic actor.

Most Memorable Scene:
Trying desperately to introduce Dream to his "good mate" Screaming Lord Byron, Vic falls through a ceiling into Lord Byron's dressing room. Lord Byron promptly prances off behind a dresser, covering his face with his hands and peeking out between his fingers.

Vic: "Good evening, Mr. Screaming... ahhh I'm with the Melody Faces... no, that's not it... ahhh... one of the music magazines. Well, I used to be with a music magazine, but now I'm with more of a high-class... ohhh I've really 'urt me 'ead..."

Lord Byron: (whimpering) "Go away."

Vic: "Look, I know you're busy now, but afterwards, if you've got five minutes..."

Lord Byron: "Please go away."

Vic: "...I'm really desperate... I've got this bird, man to man, and if you'd just come over and say 'Allo, Vic, how're you doin' that'll do..."

Lord Byron: "'Allo Vic."

Vic: "...how're you doin'..."

Lord Byron: (blank stare)

Vic: "Great... (being carried away by security) Listen, thanks alot..."

Lord Byron: "Please go away."



Labyrinth (1986)

Co-starring: Jennifer Connelly; Directed by Jim Henson.

The single thread that binds my entire generation is the reaction they have to the words, "David Bowie." If they aren't a Nine Inch Nails fan (in which case they say, "Isn't he that 'I'm Afraid of Americans' guy?"), they exclaim, without fail, "He was in Labyrinth!" Yes, Virginia, there is a Goblin King.

Oddly enough, I seem to be one of the only children of the 80s *not* to have seen Labyrinth as a youth. If I did see it, I don't remember it. I did rent it a couple of years ago, and I kind of wish I'd seen it then, because it was the exact kind of Neverending Story I was into at that age. The muppets are cute. The girl is obnoxious, but that's alright because you're rooting for Jareth anyway. Bowie's a gorgeous villain. And a screenplay by Monty Python's Terry Jones guarantees there's enough cheeky humour to keep the "adults" entertained as well as the kiddies.

Relevent Links: Jareth's Realm

Most Memorable Quote:
Bowie: "Fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave!"



The Linguini Incident (1991)

Co-starring: Rosanna Arquette, Buck Henry

Cuuuuute.

Bowie is Monte, a compulsive gambler/waiter who bets a restaurant-owner that he can get one of the cafe's waitresses to marry him. That, my friends, is just the beginning. Bowie is absolutely adorable, as is the rest of the cast of this silly silly movie. Side note: Although you would think 44-year old Dave is a little old for the part, he doesn't look a day over 30. The things they can do with cameras these days.

This flick was recently re-released on DVD... the new cover-design is ultra-ultra Austin Powers and they've renamed the film "Shag-O-Rama." No kidding.



Basquiat (1996)

Co-starring: Jeffrey Wright, Dennis Hopper, Gary Oldman, Claire Forlani

In this entertaining, depressing biography of painter Jean-Michel Basquiat, our dear David plays another idol of mine, painter/film-maker/pop icon Andy Warhol. "Plays" is perhaps not the right word... impersonates is probably better. No, wait, I've got it- he's impersonating someone impersonating Warhol. Tee-hee. Don't get me wrong, his performance is fantastic, one of the highlights of this excellent film.



Everybody Loves Sunshine (B.U.S.T.E.D.) (1999)

Co-starring: Goldie, Andrew Goth

I spent an hour and a half waiting for this film to get started... and then it was over. The story revolves around the black British underworld, but being an American, I have no way of judging its authenticity. Bowie, who gets top-billing, has barely a supporting role. I was under the impression that there was a strong homosexual subplot involving Bowie's character, but all I found was one scene worth of midly homoerotic dialogue. However, for what it's worth, Bowie is *very* good in this, proving once again that he is a fine character actor. The rest of the cast is marginally good at best, Andrew Goth giving the best performance. Goldie is irritating to watch, but not being a fan, I can't tell how much of that is the character and how much is Goldie's own idiosyncracies. Avoid, unless you find yourself very bored and you don't mind throwing good money at a mediocre movie.



David Bowie has also appeared in: Yellowbeard, Group Madness, Into the Night, Absolute Beginners, The Last Temptation of Christ, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Il Mio West, and Mr. Rice's Secret (Exhuming Mr. Rice).