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Fully clothed, with shoes on, Salimat walked into the river. As she pushed forward, the waters seemed to push her away, as if to not let her through, but Salimat kept on, going deeper and deeper in. Suddenly, she stopped, raised her head to the sky, and said in a clear voice:
"The clever game of love and kindness that Arthur played on me has come to an end. God Almighty! What sin did I commit to deserve this? Why did you send Arthur to me? Why did you allow him to play this cruel game with my life? He's a happy man, he doesn't understand someone else's pain! He doesn't understand love, he doesn't need love, why did you send him to me? If he had no need for me, how did he manage to find me? What did he need those few nights of passion for? Nothing, absolutely nothing! But I, I fell in love with him! Maybe for the first time in my life I loved a man so passionately! I begged you, God, to let me have Arthur! But you were deaf to my prayers! Maybe you love me? Then take me, let me die, let me die! Is it too much to ask? My body hasn't healed from the surgery yet, but Arthur is already dating someone else!"
Salimat covered her face with both hands, and a sound came from beneath the hands like that of a wounded animal. The waves kept pushing her away, but she wouldn't back down. Looking upwards again, she exclaimed,
"Oh, God! I've suffered a lot in my life, I have no strength left to go on, to fight for my life! I never thought I could love anyone again until I met Arthur! I loved him with everything I had, and there is no one on this Earth I am capable of ever loving again. I just don't understand why; if you didn't want me to have him, did you send him to me in the first place? Do you think I haven't suffered enough? Why do I even bother asking you anyway? I'm stronger than you! I don't need you anymore! I'll never be unhappy again! I'll never be in pain again! Today, I get rid of all that is making me miserable! Today and forever, I'm free! Freedom, at last! Arthur, once you wanted to swim the waves of life with me, but you've already forgotten me!"
Salimat became quiet again, looked around at the waves.
"Great waves! All my life I loved to swim! Please, take me into eternity, don't ever let me go back! Fill with water the wounds left by Arthur, make me whole again! Arthur, let me be the last woman in your life who's ever truly loved you so! May you only know women who're good for a night's fun!"
Salimat's eyes moved slowly upward.
"Dear God! Please forgive me for all my sins! Punish me by giving me all the ills and misery that await Arthur! Keep him happy! Grant him as much happiness as all of the pain and hurt that you have thrown into my life! May God love you, Arthur, like I loved you! I hope you never know the pain you've caused me! I envy the woman who'll be able to see you every day! I can't live without you! You were my last, great, true love! Why did you forget me so soon, Arthur!"
Tears rolled down her cheeks as Salimat slowly receded into the water. The waves picked her up, as if getting a strong hold of her, and took her forward into infinity, never to bring her back!
P.S. We don't always know why we love, but we almost always know why we don't love!!!
By Liana Margiva
April 1999
Trans. by Marina. Treper
11/11
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