02.12.99
Just as I thought...
I knew it would come to haunt me. There is this one man (a friend, of course) who tells me today he has more than "friend" feelings for me. Somethings I do not handle really well and this is one of them. Right this minute(as the same for the past months) I have my heart set on one man. Although, where my heart is will probably be the worst place I could have let it drift ... miles away from me. changes of me ever getting to really know this man, inside and out, are probably so slim, but yet I can't help myself. And as for my friend, I just don't know how else to tell him that I'm not interested aside from telling him there is just no attraction whatsoever. I really feel awkward and uncomfortable with the entire process of letting people down. And, in fact, that is what I had to do. I guess I feel that all the previous indications, that I wanted nothing more than friendship from him, should have been enough for him to realize how I felt about the whole situation. Although, I was proud of myself because I finally did something that I felt was the right thing to do and I am glad that I did the right thing. I basically told him that I am a one track person whose one track mind is looking to reveal the illusion far beyond my one track heart. Right now this heart of mine is telling me to search for what it's asking and from the person it's aching for and that's just what I'm going to do. It will, in all likelihood, be a difficult and probably painful task but I have to go for it when the time is right.