02.21.99
Should I send it or not?
I have been thinking a lot lately about this guy friend of mine. Yes, yes, my fantasy man. And the more time goes on, the more I realize he has no real interest in me. If he did, something would have happened for the both of us by now. I have this sensation to talk to him about it, yet don't want to scare away our friendship. I don't want anything about our relationship to go sour. I enjoy his company and conversing with him. I feel that I can tell this man just about anything that is on my mind. Almost anything. Everything except the one thing I need to get off my shoulders. So, I spent the afternoon today typing up a letter to him hoping that would relieve me. Well, I guess it did to an extent. I'm on the border line now on whether I should send it to him or not. I really want him to know how I'm feeling but I am so afraid of the aftermath. The following is what I wrote:
I don't know why I feel such a
strong attraction to you. Well, I take that back. I do know why. Physical attraction -
sure, I have a big physical attraction toward you but that has been since I first met you.
(I know what I like when I see it :P) And yes, although I had never met you, it was still
there. But within the last six months, I've had this overwhelming emotional attraction for
you also. It's really aggravating me because I know I shouldn't express my feelings on
this subject at all to you but somehow I feel I need to for my own sake, if nothing else.
I know the feelings aren't mutual and even if they were, I would still look at myself in
the mirror everyday and say, "tough shit, it can't be done".
I know I can talk to you about anything that's on my mind but by me telling you all this,
I risk a lot. I don't want your views of me to change in any way because of what I'm
saying. I enjoy our friendly chats and playtimes :) You are the only one I feel
comfortable enough to do that with. So, I hope that doesn't change either. Our friendship
will always remain and it's the most important thing in the long run, so please don't feel
intimidated by me letting all this out. I am the same person no matter which way you look
at it. Only difference now is you know a little more about what's hidden inside me and how
I feel. I guess it's just disappointing for me because I've finally come to the
realization that I may as well take all these feelings that I have for you and lock them
up really deep so they no longer surface. That in itself will be something I will have to
work on very hard. The really strange thing is, I am going against all I said I would six
months ago. I swore to myself I would never bring this up with you and I have. A friend of
mine recently hit me with his feelings for me. Not in as many words as I, nor as much
detail, but I still felt uneasy hearing it all. Those feelings, of course, were not what I
felt for him, but I had to let him know that. I didn't feel good about doing it either.
So, I guess what I'm trying to tell you here is, I don't need a response or anything. So
please don't feel obligated to do so because I know reality - and anything other than the
feelings I have for you will never play a part in reality. I just have to keep telling
myself that. For some reason, I feel this little bit I've said, comes as no surprise to
you, but I had to get it off my mind even though. I know I've told you once, that
when I fall for someone, I fall hard. This was exactly what I was referring to. I knew it
was coming. I should have stopped myself while I was ahead because now it's going to be an
emotional struggle with my feelings. I really should be used to it by now though.
Oh, well, what can I say, other than - you really intrigue me and truly are a sweet and
sincere individual. I'm very fortunate to have a friend like you.
Maybe I should have gone a whole lot deeper into my soul and told him that I can't bring myself to do things in life that would give me the opportunity to find someone to share my life with. Only because I have this fear, I guess you could call it a fear, of moving on only to let myself down by not giving my one hope at this moment -- a chance. But, I'm working on that. I'm trying to get past my emotional setbacks. Sounds like a good goal to set for myself. I think I'll put genuine effort into that one.