Fear
Freedom from fear - I'm tired of waking up each morning wondering if I will survive the present day. Not meaning, surviving from one minute to the next, but I've got this phobia of driving on the suicidal highway that provides a direct route to and from where I work. In the last 10 months on that 3-5 mile stretch of highway, I've seen a minimum of five deadly accidents and countless less major vehicular mishaps. On that same stretch of roadway, I have gone well over my limit in chances of luck. I am bothered with the feeling that the inevitable will happen one day very soon.
Shame
Freedom from shame - Where do I even begin on this one? There are so many shameful memories in my head that I would love to destroy. And to think those memories (most of them) are just my own feelings that I am ashamed of. I am so ashamed of my feelings at times, that I can't discuss it with anyone. I just let it eat me away instead. But not tonight, I will release most of it here. I am ashamed of myself for the way I feel or act toward certain people. I am a forgiver but never forget. And at times I have to wonder, have I really forgived if I have not forgotten. I can get along with anyone who doesn't put me or my family down. And Lord knows, I get along with those people also. I was married to a man who loathed my family because of the jealousy he had towards them due to their overflow of love and generosity (something he never received as a child). It's very difficult for anyone to understand his thinking of the whole subject. I have finally come to understand and accept his views on it. But I am still ashamed at myself for not respecting his outlook on the matter.
Another shame I have is this ongoing struggle I'm having with my emotions rearding one man in particular. i don't dare tell anyone I know personally about what I am feeling. I would then be a wacked out nut-case instead of your basic nut-case. This man whom I've know for about 3 years but have had the almost totally fulfilling priviledge to meet in person last month, has touched my heart in all the right places. The hopes I have of maybe one day actually being a part of this man's life are just down right impossible. Yet, I continue to dream on. I have probably overloaded some of my daily entries about him, so I'll keep those thoughts there and not bring it in here also. I am sometimes embarrassed at my feelings for even hoping that a relationship with him would evolve. I hide them so only I know what they are.
Self-pity
Freedom from self-pity - Self pity sounds a bit harsh for me to say that I pity myself. The reason that I feel sorry for myself is very basic -- I have no goals in life. I could care less if the world stopped spinning tomorrow. I have nothing to lose if it does. No unreached goals are waiting for me. It's a crummy situation to be a part of, but that is just how it is. I hope that one day I will be free from the self pity, but as of right now, that option is null and void.
Financial Strains
Freedom from financial strains - I have three words for this one...What a Joke.
Wretched Life
Freedom from life - Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with LIFE. My only reason for still being here is my son. I live through him. If he's not happy, I'm not happy. if he's hurting, I'm hurting. If he's smiling, I'm smiling. I have nothing else to live for. When I say these sort of things to others, they always have to come back with statements like, "You have so much more to live for". My answer, "Yeah, right". Sure I can say I live also for my parents, family, friends, my dogs, etc. But that just isn't reason enough for me. I live only for my son for the simple fact that I want to be able to see him continue to grow from being an infant through his adulthood and witnessing his accomplishments in his life and being there for him through his failures.
Enough said on that subject - depressing.
Failures
Freedom from
Falling
Always
In
Life
Ultimately
Reduces
Expectation
This is one of the roughest fears that I'm up against daily. The biggest fear that ties my world down - very hard to escape from. So many people out there, and I have the ability to let down the closest to me. Failing as a mother would do the most internal harm to me. I've already failed in my 15 year career and that alone is hard to deal with at times. I've failed in my 13 year marriage. Trying so many countless times to make it a success and here I remain - alone.
Loneliness
Freedom from loneliness - Being alone in this world is rather difficult to live with. There is no one to share your deepest and most intimate thoughts with. No one to confide in through life's daily obstacles. No one to hold me at night as I drift off into a deep sleep. No one to give me a hug before I start my new day and tell me, "I Love You." All the "giving" that I have to keep suppressed is very painful to hold in. Other than my son and family, I have no one else to give myself to. I need a partner to love. I need someone that I can tell my dreams to and not be ashamed. It is no longer a matter of "want", it is now a matter of "need". I think that is my biggest setback from moving forward - I don't want to do it alone.