Patricio's way cool funny archive

?/10: JOKE: THANKS: DATE POSTED:

10/10
VERY STRANGE LAWS

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is ecapitation.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time ... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Okay, not as great as Guam!)
Naomi Johnson March 05,2000

9/10
The Top Ten Men

1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes"

2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or
blown"
4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in
front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you' ll love it."
6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out
to soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.
Amy Hawke March 05, 2000

8.5/10
THE CREATION OF A PUSSY

                   Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
                   created a pussy to their design.
                   First was a butcher,
                   with smart wit,
                   using a knife,
                   he gave it a slit,
                   Second was a carpenter,
                   strong and bold,
                   with a hammer and chisel,
                   he gave it a hole,
                   Third was a tailor,
                   tall and thin,
                   by using red velvet,
                   the lined it within,
                   Fourth was a hunter,
                   short and stout,
                   with a piece of fox fur,
                   he lined it without,
                   Fifth was a fisherman,
                   nasty as hell,
                   threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
                   Sixth was a preacher,
                   whose name was McGee,
                   touched it and blessed it,
                   and said it could pee,
                   Last was a sailor,
                   dirty little runt,
                    he sucked it and fucked it,
                   and called it a cunt.
Amy Hawke March 05, 2000

9.5/10 SUPPORT CONDOM WEEK

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO
CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER
16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE Amy Hawke March 05, 2000

8/10 TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little
something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and
go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get
some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who
gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with
fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always
go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning
and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD! Amy Hawke March 05, 2000

7.5/10
It's your first time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you
shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his
finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to lead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you
concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with
skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly,tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth
pulled.

Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking!?!

PERVERT! :-)
Amy Hawke March 05, 2000

7.5/10
TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

1)      You can GET chocolate.
2)      "If you love me you'll swallow that" has
real meaning with chocolate.
3)      Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone
soft.
4)      You can safely have chocolate while you are
driving.
5)      You can make chocolate last as long as you
want it to.
6)      You can have chocolate even in front of
your mother.
7)      If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate
won't mind
8)      Two people of the same sex can have
chocolate without being called nasty names.
9)      The word "commitment" doesn't scare off
chocolate.
10)     You can have chocolate on top of your
workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11)     You can ask a stranger for chocolate
without getting your face slapped.
12)     You don't get hairs in your mouth with
chocolate

13)     With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14)     Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15)     You can have chocolate at anytime of the
month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17)     You can have as many kinds of chocolate as
you can handle.
18)     You are never too young or too old for
chocolate.
19)     When you have chocolate it does not keep
your neighbors awake.
20)     With chocolate size doesn't matter.
Amy Hawke March 05, 2000

9/10 -A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Andrei Zaharescu FEB 21, 2000

10/10
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach
in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely
insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,squeezed a zit
and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of
7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen
on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of
still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent
aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard
and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused)
instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal
fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and
the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
Amy Hawke FEB 21, 2000

7/10
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."
Andrei Zaharescu Feb22,2000

?/10:	JOKE:	THANKS:	DATE POSTED:
10/10	VERY STRANGE LAWS In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is ecapitation. There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time ... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.) In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?) In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what? ... Okay, not as great as Guam!)	Naomi Johnson	March 05,2000
9/10	The Top Ten Men 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your clothes" 2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide" 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown" 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want it in front or in back?" 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once you have it all in, you' ll love it." 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest" 7. The Police Officer because he says,"Spread 'em" 8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package. 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down. 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.	Amy Hawke	March 05, 2000
8.5/10	THE CREATION OF A PUSSY Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, the lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without, Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell, Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee, Last was a sailor, dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.	Amy Hawke	March 05, 2000
9.5/10	SUPPORT CONDOM WEEK LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF U SHIELD YR DONG 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT. 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YR MONKEY 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT 13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR TROUSER MOUSE 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YR MEMBER 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE	Amy Hawke	March 05, 2000
8/10	TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!	Amy Hawke	March 05, 2000
7.5/10	It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to lead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly,tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinking!?! PERVERT! :-)	Amy Hawke	March 05, 2000
7.5/10	TOP TWENTY REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1) You can GET chocolate. 2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate. 3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind 8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. 11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate 13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant. 15) You can have chocolate at anytime of the month. 16) Good chocolate is easy to find. 17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake. 20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.	Amy Hawke	March 05, 2000
9/10	-A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.	Andrei Zaharescu	FEB 21, 2000
10/10	MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991. LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina. MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina. ZIT POPPING In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch. WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac. MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'. GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph. LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state. MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.	Amy Hawke	FEB 21, 2000
7/10	A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."	Andrei Zaharescu	Feb22,2000