The Philippines is not a bad place to be or even to live. I realized I was there at the wrong time.

  The Philippines reminded me of all the good things about my beautiful country, Puerto Rico. The Puerto Rico of

  I remember the first time I met a large number of Filipinos and had to deal with them from day to day and night to night (laughs). It was when I began my pediatric residency at Lincoln Hospital in 1980. One of the characteristics I liked the most about the Filipinos was their language. Of all the languages I have heard in my life this one was the most delightful to listen to because it was like a melodic chant. French sounded like a seduction song. British and Germans (I know I shouldn't put them together) sounded too proper. British, especially sounded like if they were in a constant Masterpiece Theater night. Pleasant but not constantly. Cuban Spanish sounded as a sales pitch or an argument of some sort. Puertorrican Spanish sounded... you know those?! They sound like me!

  In any case, I tried to figure out what Filipinos were saying but ni modo. Then when I paid closer attention I started listening many Spanish words. Of course, how stupid could I be?! Very stupid if I may say so myself. They had a similar history as many Caribbean islands. They were visited by the Spanish. An unpleasant stay if I may say so. If you do not believe check out Rizal's biography. Talking to a Filipino was a pleasure. Where do they learn all those things they know? Even their accent was cute. They were very friendly and engaging. A very funny event occurs when you are having a conversation with one of them and another Filipino passes by. They suddenly break into a melodic chant of: How are you? I am fine... who is your new friend?... see you later. Those are phrases that you will certainly learn if you have a Filipino friend. Kumusta ka... Mabuti... Magkita tayo bukas... You wish you could learn more but, what for? They’ll always be happy to translate for you. With my accent as thick as a brick I did not need to learn a new language then. What I needed was to practice my English.

  Filipinos speak English and many of them Spanish, French, Chinese, Japanese, and probably many other languages. They are always cordial and faithful friends. However, for a Filipino to consider you a friend is another matter. They have the tightest friendship networks I have ever experienced. You feel as if you need to fill out some kind of application in triplicate to become part of their group or a distant somebody. It is not so hard for one of them to like you but for their whole continuum to like and appreciate you seems an impossible task. I took the task on and failed at many points but my quest continues (laughs).

  Something else I liked about Filipinos was their beautiful women. When younger I constantly thought about where in the universe will I find a woman with all the Spanish beauty but Oriental? God revealed the answer to me: The Philippines! The Filipino woman is so full of charms that even the ugly ones are beautiful. I can tell you about the ugly ones. They are very ugly indeed. I have been in the Philippines a few times to know this fact (belly laughs). It is not that Puertorrican women are not beautiful but they lack the charming qualities of the Oriental women. I’m not putting them down but my attempts with them were fruitless. Well, maybe fruitful but not in the way I wished. Filipino women will give you anything but only if they feel loved, needed, and/or appreciated. If your intentions are not good be careful. The same Filipino continuum that accepted you will turn against you and seek you out like a guided missile with an endless fuel supply. And they will find you! They are everywhere and they know each other since they were in elementary school, from high school, a fraternity, medical school, any type of school, or they are relatives. Relatives, they will be your biggest opposition, especially brothers and mothers-in-law. Consider yourself warned.

  At times Filipino women could be infuriating. [And] I’m not talking about Filipino mothers-in-law [they should be called mothers-out-law]. Mothers-in-law are creatures, not easy to handle anywhere in the galaxy. However, their is something to say about the Filipino ones. They have special kinds of powers. Yeah! They cast a spell on you and it is like a crab that grabs you in the balls and doesn’t let go until you stop saying that you want to marry their daughter. [But] Going back to the infuriating aspect of Filipino women. I sometimes found them too nice. It is as if all of them went not only to the same girls-only and how-to-write-better school but they also attended the same I-wanna-be-a-good-mommy school. I don't think it is a bad quality but at times they should ease up. [But] A bigger mystery is that they lose all those wonderful features after they marry you.. It is as if they become American or worse yet Puertorrican.. When I write statement like the previous one I feel guilty. My mother is Puertorrican. However, I am sure she knows what I am talking about. [But] In all honesty and away from the joking part they are good cooks. That is, if they also went to the all-girls-cooking-better-Filipino-food school or if they spent sometime while growing up with the maids learning how to cook.

  In general, I feel Filipino women are wonderful. I could also say that there should be an open market for them but I understand that is not a nice thing to say about women. About Filipino men, I refuse to comment. You know who you are. Make those women happy or they will be taken away from your very hands.

Part II:

  What else reminded me of my childhood when I visited the Philippines? The way of life was another thing that reminded me of my childhood in Puerto Rico when I visited the Philippines. Everywhere you went there were little places where you could buy food, soda and other goods. This are not sophisticated, microwave driven, or state of the art friquitins [friquitins are little, mobile, I-did-it-myself food shops]. These are homemade portable ovens and fry pans taken everywhere in the city to sell their fried delicacies. Will I lie to you? Well, maybe, but not this time. The stuff that you find at these little shops taste delicious even if you don't know the name or the ingredients. You can ask the name in case you want to learn what it is but please do not ask what kind of meat they used. If the taste is fine then that should be good enough. The little kids around the kiosk who are as thin as an non-boiled spaghetti make everything look tropical and parasitic. Either they don't eat well or they have a serious problem with parasites in their country as we did so many years ago in Puerto Rico. The young adult daughters walking around, showing their goods and smiling is another sign. If you do not believe me check out the mother who is probably carrying a sign written in English saying: TAKE MY DAUGHTER... PLEASE! Nevertheless, you just feel like helping and giving them a few bucks. Make sure you don't use American dollars or they will follow you to the end of your vacation and just outside the plane before you finally depart back home.

  The children and adolescents coming back from school was another nostalgic event for me. What a sight! You feel young again and remember all your friends from high school. Strange how I can remember all their faces but not a single name. I know Filipinos not only remember their friends names but also their ID-card number, address, telephone number, unusual marks, etc. Unusual how you used to talk about anything and everything with your childhood friends for hours or just take a walk in the mall and look around without getting bored. Maybe at times you felt tempted to steal something from a store but could not do it because you thought it was wrong. The next day you found out that your friend got caught after stealing some toys. What about the young love birds who walk holding hands and giggling at whatever stupidity the other one says. Or the guys in their 20’s looking around like hawks for young girls. Some young girls who feel like a woman because they started using Tampax fall for the seduction armaments of the older guys. Some of the girls even get pregnant. It happens everywhere. [And] Every now and then you see your young drunken driver or looser. They are either high on cheap wine, glue or pot. Oh, what memories! Nothing like a trip to the Philippines for me to get in contact with my feelings and old memories.

  [And] Do you remember the children playing after school? Playing games like WHO CAN BREAK YOUR HEAD OR ARM TODAY; MAKE MY UNIFORM DIRTY MOMMY WILL WASH IT AND THEN THROW ME AGAINST THE WALL; DO NOT HIT ME YOU ARE NOT MY DRUNKEN DAD; and the infamous ones like LETS PLAY DOCTOR OR LETS PLAY MARRIAGE [Marriage, a sad game we unfortunately never learn how to play]. There are also the normal ones who play basketball and pretend they are some famous player or the ones that just go home to do their homework.

  Deeper in the city you find those women you always wanted to touch but were afraid of because you may catch some bug from hell. Even when you made sure you wear a condom in all your fingers, tongue and titi you still caught a venereal disease. Away from the sexual market there are also the usual good places to eat were you will pay ten to $20 bucks or more for the same food that you can get in those homemade friquitins. Something deserves special mention at this point while we are talking about food. If you need to order a drink and you don’t drink alcohol order Royal. It is an orange drink soda that taste delicious. It is not your regular orange soda but a special kind. You can get it anywhere. I think it is better than drinking water.

  There are many other places that you can visit in the city or near by. What about the museums and the old Spanish forts. They reminded me of the time I went to el Moro with my classmates of elementary school. What a neat place to play, run and have good time. What a good place to be abandoned by your teacher because they could not find you. Bitch!

  [And] I have not finished yet. What about the jeepneys? We have those type of cars in Puerto Rico too. At least we used to when I was a kid. However, they never got to be as colorful and smoky as the ones in the Philippines. They however, performed the same function or dysfunction of mass transportation. Taking people from here to there is not an easy task, especially when they are hanging from the back of the guagüita. Fortunately the speed of travel in the of the general traffic is not more than 20 to 25 MPH. In Puerto Rico they use vans but still people pack themselves inside like sardines. It may be pleasurable in the mornings if a nice looking chick seats near or on top of you but at 4:00 PM watch out. A lot of people come from work sweating and smelling like horses. Not a nice ride with such a smell in Puerto Rico or in the Philippines. What puzzled me about the traffic in the Philippines was the amount of cars. I said amount because it cannot be measured in numbers anymore. It looks like a gigantic locus swarm invading the city every single morning and evening. It seemed to me that everyone had a car of their own driven by someone, and going somewhere. Why do they need the jeepneys for? And, is there is a way to control the inky black smoke that comes out of those engine’s exhaust pipes? Someone has to tell the President that the dense smoke will bring a chronic health problem in the country. In Puerto Rico we do not have traffic jams that compare in any way to the ones in the Philippines. No childhood memories there. This is your own malady. [And] To think that I complained about el tapón de Bayamón or Carolina. En fin, Metromanila looks like Santurce, Puerto Rico in the 60’s. A crowded, busy, growing city. A city bursting everywhere like a young growing Filipina woman.

Part III:

So, where are the nice and beautiful places in the Philippines (laughs) ? For that, my friend, you have to get out of the congested, polluted, crowded, busy, and growing city.

  We went to a special place called Palawan for vacation. I have not seen beaches so clear since I was a kid. My aunt used to take me to the beach almost every weekend during summer season. The beach we used to go is called Luquillo. It was a wonderful place with crystal clear beaches and soft warm sands. Where did all that go? The last time I was there the beach was converted in to a big market. They were selling chairs, beach umbrellas, mesitas, cervezas, sodas, pastelillos, morcillas, cuajitos, sandwiches, and many other stuff. Besides that the beach was filthy with basura everywhere. I could not help to feel like nuestro Señor Jesuscristo when he entered the temple. I wanted to kick all the negocios down. Now, the resort in the Philippines was another story. The sand was soft and warm. The beaches were clear with that bluish soft tone from the sky. You could see the schools of fishes passing by even in the deeper areas. The sun was hot and friendly making you feel alive. The view was breathtaking. An endless sea with small islands here and there and the expansive sky which ended somewhere like an endless void. It was paradise!

Final remarks

  [And] After all that madness, pleasure and sadness I am still alive and well. And I can proudly say... Vivan las Patrias! Ito ang pinoy y jibarito! God bless the Philippines and Puerto Rico!

Guillermo Santiago Jr. , A happy man!