~For Gabriel~

The Tears of a Clown

Episode Two: Voices and Illusions

Magic... creating illusions.. that's what being a clown was all about afterall. Reality is harsh.. but for a while you can forget your troubles and step into another world at the carnival... It's a world of lights and cotton candy... music and laughter... This place was the only heaven he would ever know.... and being a freak was normal around here... What with the contortionists and the midgets... the bearded lady... the siamese twins... for the first time in his life he felt like he really belonged... and how the children loved him.... Of course there were always a few that cried... That made Merlin very unhappy.... just like that time on the playground when he was small and the beautiful little girl had run away from him... She threw down the daisies he had given her and told him to get away.... and when he became angry she screamed and her mother took her away.. scolding him for being such a bad little boy.... He only wanted to play.... but they always shunned him... he heard the whispers.... On good days he was the "odd little boy"... on other days he was "a monster".... It's amazing how much a child can pick up on things like that.. Adults are always so caught up in their own worlds that they assume children never know the truth..... and the truth was even uglier than Merlin had ever been... He didn't recall when it had really started... the killing.... he heard the voices sometimes and his head hurt so much.... He cursed his mother for being such a junkie... He had overheard his aunt say once that he never would have been born this way if she had been clean.... that this was God's way of punishing her for being such a whore... His mother had often blamed him for everything wrong in her life.... He was a bastard anyway... and heaven's gates would never be open to him.... That much he knew... So he found his way into the circus... and behind that make-up and toothy smile he was loved at last ....

The first murder had been an accident.... he only wanted the little girl to play with him.. just like that day on the playground... but she didn't want to play... she was afraid of him... When she cried for her mommy it made him very angry... and he saw in her face the same smug look of that pretty girl on the playground... "You little bitch " he hissed....He took her doll from her and broke the head off... She became hysterical... and something happened to Merlin.... His temples throbbed and he grabbed her neck and began to choke her... She kicked and flailed her arms around uselessly... He squeezed her neck harder and felt it crack.. Suddenly the screaming stopped and as she hung there from his hands limp and lifeless... He panicked... He could hear the voices.. "You monster... you abomination... you should have never been born... You will burn in HELL"..... He sobbed uncontrollably and shook the girl in a weak attempt to revive her.. He knew her mother would be here any minute... and the screaming began again.... But this time he realized it was screams from his funhouse... He was still at the carnival... and he realized that he was in control.... Her mother wasn't here to take her away.. wasn't here to scold him.... .... and he carried her into his hidden room and together the had a fine little tea party... He even made a wreath of daisies for her hair which she couldn't refuse... Yes the carnival was where he belonged... and there would be more tea parties... more little girls... along with all the happy screams of the children in his funhouse.... Oh Merlin was the perfect name for him... afterall who was better at creating illusions than a clown?