Jitters! Scared spitless is what I feel! I've never been to a les/bi/gay event before, this dance on the 26th is the first.

Kinda disappointed that I wasn't out sooner or had the nerve to go; I missed the local Gay Pride parade on Labour Day. (I didn't even go out to watch, never mind take part.) At least in the newspaper reports the next day, the knuckle-draggers who came out to spread hate last year didn't crawl out from under their rocks this time.

Went to buy my ticket for the dance at a local coffee shop. (It's owned and run by an openly lesbian woman.) I think she thought I was scared when I bought the ticket, because I didn't want to say out loud that I was buying it; but I honestly couldn't, my throat was too raw from yelling. (You try getting some teenage boys to listen to their soccer coach, namely me. ^_^)

Now that I've been to the dance, I think it was a mistake. Not getting involved, I mean, but that I should have been going to the local drop-in center and getting to know people before I try and mingle. I really only met four people to talk to, so the 3 1/2 hours I spent there I spent mostly alone. (I didn't meet the people until later in the evening.)

Going to this dance was a different experience than any nightclub atmosphere I've been in before. Here, the people were polite, courteous, and not superficial; nobody judged you by how you looked...just by your age (oh well). The early-20's people didn't want to dance with me (I'm 31), and there is *no way* I am going to dance or get close to some guy 40-50 with a fat gut. (Hey! I work hard 4-5 times a week to keep my body in great shape! I'm not wasting it on somebody who doesn't appreciate me or have the decency to stay in shape himself! ^_^)

Went to the drop in center twice this month, and met some interesting people. One of them is the most vocal local activist (boy, is he cute ^_^) who is unfortunately leaving town for work elsewhere. Another was a man a couple of years younger than me... quite handsome, his name is Roger. If I get to meet him again, I think I might (if I have the nerve to ask)....

The second time as the center there weren't as many people there, and most were (no offense) the stereotypical "limp-wristed" type; personally, I prefer the athletic types, and I don't mean the meathead weightlifters, I mean the kind who run, play soccer, stuff like that. (I mean, if guys can't talk about sports, what are we going to talk about, right? ^_^) It was kind of odd being the only bi male there, all of them gay. They were looking at one of the workout magazines (you know the type, the models are the kind you see in gay magazines) and there was one ad for clothes...it felt odd being the only person who appreciated the woman in the ad (we are talking perfect face and body) while all the others are saying "Why is she in there?" ^_^

It's a little late for this year, but if I'm still around here next summer, I found out where the local unofficial nude bathing spot is. It's definitely not somewhere to swim, the water's too cold, but knowing nobody will hassle me if I wear a thong or a g-string is reassuring. (There's a local private camp ground run by some German people who don't have a problem with thongs or nudity, but the other visitors and campers using the campground do, so I don't get to tan there often.)

I helped set up for the Hallowe'en dance; many hands make light work, as the saying goes. It's amazing how a bunch of garbage bags pinned to the walls and some masking tape can transform a dingy cement and wood room into a place to party. I went to the party on Hallowe'en, and knowing some people this time made things a lot better.

It was quite something to see the costumes: the pinhead from Hellraiser (first prize in the costume contest), a British Beefeater (second place), a male Wonder Woman (how the hell did that guy get his waist that small?!?), and a bunch of other weird ones. Me, I went as a skeleton: black tights and turtleneck sweater with white cloth cut sewn on to look like bones and makeup to give me the face of a skull.

I danced a lot this time, a couple dozen times at least, and I was surprised at how easily I tired. (I can run a 6 minute mile!) The music was kind of odd, no slow dance songs all night...of course, that didn't stop the couples who wanted to neck, you understand. O_- (They did anyway.) Roger wasn't there, and the only guys showing real interest in me were the soft types again (yawn). I want someone handsome with strong arms I can melt in! Is that too much to ask? ^_^

I'm broke now, especially with rent day the next morning, so I won't be going out for a while (good thing the drop-in center coffee is free, even if it's lousy), but the buzz off of this one should last for a while.

Being poor sucks! No money, nowhere to go, all I've really been able to do is go to the drop in centre for the cheap crummy coffee...at least there's good conversation, but nobody really interesting. <*whine*>

No money and no job again, but I'm back talking to people I've been out of contact with for a while...ye gods, it's so different talking to my old acquaintances, telling them I'm out and seeing their reactions. (None bad so far.) This is especially important for me since there's lot of people I've ticked off in my time, and making up with them (and being *willing* to apologize) seems to mean "all is forgiven" with near everybody.

It was really the best with one former college instructor, she finally understood where I was coming from, what my real problem always was; she even told me how she was abused when she was younger, and about a friend of hers who died of AIDS that she never knew he was gay until after he died. Wow.

The big thing now is my family. This is becoming a slow and agonizing part, but with my new-found confidence, I'm getting through to them and helping them past it. Hopefully in time, they get over it.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot - I helped out with the setup and decoration for the Christmas dance at the drop in center; couldn't go to the dance, of course (money), and I missed the free part, the Christmas choir and wine and cheese mixer. Hey, the TSN Skins Game was on (a pro curling event, for you non-fans out there) and there was a hell of a game on Hockey Night In Canada! (Just 'cause I'm bi, it doesn't mean I'm not a neanderthalic sports fan! ^_^) After helping with the setup, I got thanked with my first kiss...pretty good looking too, though he's taken.