Hi all,

Well, what a long strange trip it's been, as someone famous once said. Two years ago, I would never have thought I'd be putting up a webpage like this one. I was as homophobic as they came (no, I never bashed anyone, but I was guilty of looking down on gays and bisexuals) and reacted with anger whenever gay men made passes at me. Maybe they knew something about me that I couldn't recognize.

I'm still in the reconstruction phase, trying to rebuild my life, accepting and loving the fact that I'm bisexual. For me, it was a long process of getting to where I am. In the past two years, I've gone through phases of self-hate and hate towards others, sometimes lashing out at people who were on my side; it's so much easier to alienate people than to talk to them. I think there's really four stages every gay or bisexual person goes through, and how hard each step is goes a long way in determining how you deal with it.

1) Realizing it

At some point, you find yourself attracted to people of your own gender, be it personally, physically, romantically, or sexually. The first time can make you feel anything from shock to anger. For me, I thought it was just my feeling close to good friends, guys I cared about as people, but over the next months, I found myself growing closer emotionally to some of them. In a society where homophobia is acceptable, it's easy to hate yourself for these kinds of feelings.

2) Accepting it

To finally acknowledge that you are gay, lesbian, or bisexual can be the toughest part, this is where I found the most self-hate and frustration. "I don't want to be like this, I want to be straight!" was a mantra for me. I spent more than a year at this point, full of frustration and attempts to prove myself a man. I alienated so many people at this point, doing stupid things, aggrivating them, hurting them. (It's feels so different and much better being able to talk to people like a civilized human being.)

3) Admitting it

Somehow this seems the shortest part, or at least it was for me. Having accepted that I find men as attractive as I find women, it was so much easier to look at myself in a positive way, not to hurt when I saw someone who I found attractive. (Is it just me, or is Aussie tennis player Patrick Rafter a real honey? ^_^) I was still "in" at this point, still holding in these feelings, wondering how to deal with people, how my friends and family would and will deal with it; some people, I know, will love me no matter what, but my uptight Catholic parents and homophobic brother are another matter. If and when I tell them how are they going to react? Sometimes, you never know until the moment passes. I hope that's soon.

4) Embracing it

Embracing. Think of it like a lover, you can finally deal with your feelings and feel good about yourself and who you are. I could look in the mirror and for the first time in years say "I'm happy with who I am, I love myself." I want people to accept me and still be with me, but if they can't deal with who I am, I don't care anymore, I don't need that person, I'm complete without them. I can be open and honest with myself and others.

Coming out isn't easy. The biggest worries I have, and I think is true for a lot of other bisexual and gay people, is social unacceptance: losing friends, family rejection, problems at work and job loss, and hate from strangers. Until you can find your "comfort zone", a place where you know you can feel safe, have no outside pressures that threaten you, it's hard to come out.

I would definitely recommend anyone who is feeling like me to think about their situation before they out themselves. I'm not saying "don't come out", I'm saying "wait until you're safe". I recently saw a Usenet article by a man (somewhere 18-22) who wondered if it would be safe to come out but was worried his father would stop paying for his college education and throw him out. That's the kind of pressure he, I or anyone else just doesn't need.

I'll be honest and say that I'm only now out to you, the people on the Net who can't readily identify me and a few others whom I trust to be discreet and respect my privacy. On the net, with its inherent anonymity, it's easier to talk and deal with feelings, and thanks to positive reactions I've gotten, I've found the courage to start attending local gay and lesbian association events. Hallowe'en was a great time, lots of fun and way too much alcohol.

I'll say in closing that if anyone wants to talk to me, I'm open to it as long as it's not hate mail. I'll be glad to help (and maybe we'd help each other) and meet new people, so drop me a line.

Oh, and before you ask...I don't have a thing for the Village People. ^_^