Here is the story of my outing. I told my parents on Friday, 2 January 1998 after dinner. It was one of the rare occasions where my parents were together then, so I had to use my chance! (My parents were separated at that point. Now they live happily together again after 3 years of separation.)
After dinner the whole family (my dad, mum and sister) sat together in the living room. My father and my sister were watching "The Three Musketeers" on TV.
Normally my mother always brings up the subject of me having a girlfriend or so, but not that night. So, after a while, I "simply" said: "So, now that we did so much talking today I got something else to tell you. You might be a bit surprised, but that's the way it is... While in Australia I had a relationship going on... This love relationship was, actually is, the best relationship I ever had and could imagine, but it is not with a girl, but with a guy - I am GAY! ..."
My mother said nothing at all for the first few minutes. My father said something like: "So, now what shall I say, that's the way it is. -- You know, I had a fellow student, a very good friend of mine, when I was studying long ago. I knew this guy for seven years. We studied together and later on we worked together. I was always good friend with him, and never had problems. He was the son my former boss that time..."
My mother now started to speak as well: "Oh, yes, you know, I knew this guy as well, I worked for his father at that time, too. I was actually a very good friend of him; we almost were together, only to then find out that he was gay. I was so blind and asexually educated that I didn't even know the term, but I knew the guy. He was very open, friendly, beautiful-looking we had a great time then... You, know, Tobi, you are my son, I gave bi rth to you, I raised you... I couldn't send you away or anything. I will always support you, no matter what you are..."
I can't really get everything right and complete anymore - it's quite some time ago already -, but still, the main point of this whole conversation was that my parents took it much better and more open minded and positive than I ever thought they would.
At one point in the conversation my father said: "Why didn't you tell us earlier...?" I told them that I was thinking so much about me and my coming out in the last months. I was so focused on me and my own "problem" that I often was in a bad mood, and didn't quite react to certain things as I normally would have done. Or I often overreacted or was very direct and unfriendly because of that. I was kind of protecting myself from being caught. That's why my father then said, I should have come out earlier.
I told them how I found out about myself; about my last relationships to girls (test!), about my problems, how I became comfortable with myself. Then I told them about my boyfriend because they wanted to know a bit more about the person with whom I spent the last 2.5 months in Australia.... Where he was from, how old, what he was doing there... I told them about our fantastic love-, care-, being-there-for-each-other relationship, and how happy I was in the last months, how sad I was when I had to leave, how much I missed him.
They wanted to know how I found out about myself, how I know. I told them about my imaginations of being together with men, of how I always enjoy(ed) it, when I am together with men (e.g. locker rooms, pools, sauna...). I told them that they didn't do anything wrong in my education, that it is genetic.
My mother spoke of a lot of lesbians around her place (my parents are separated), and a gay neighbor, whom she actually likes too. He helps her out in the garden or as a tailor sometimes... My father told us more about that former friend of his . All in all, they reacted quite supportive and said they will help me, and that nothing would change to the negative...
My parents, of course, were concerned about AIDS and my being careful and so on. But I told them that I would always be careful, as life is actually too beautiful to risk it or "throw" it away by having unsafe sex. I mentioned that this might be a cliché that (only) gays will get AIDS; it is as well possible to get AIDS for heterosexuals...
My sister extra came home to support me that night, in case it was necessary. But she didn't say that much at all because my parents reacted positive enough, so that I actually didn't need that much support from her.
I think, I'm quite happy about my parents\rquote initial reaction. I think, they didn't feel guilty of my being gay (I mean, why should they...). I was telling them more and more about me, my first gay relationship , my coming-out, coming-out to some friends. I asked my father if he would mind me coming-out to some friends in my home place. He said, he wants to live a peaceful life in his last years and that most of those people in our little village would probably not understand it anyway. He said, I shouldn't do it, as there is no immediate need for it. That way I can also avoid any stupid looks on the streets or wherever of those, who got problems with gays. He said most people there are still living behind the moon, so I shouldn't do it, or at least be careful. I told him, that I don't go out on the street with a banner around my neck stating "I AM GAY!", bu t that I told one friend of mine in the village already. Dad was afraid to hear anything about it from his father in a pub or so. I told him that yet he didn't even tell his brother about me, why should he tell his parents then?! Anyway, it was already late that evening, when we finally stopped that conversation about my news and me.
This was my actual coming-out to my parents! I was so happy that evening that it was all said, they knew, I don't have to hide that much or at all anymore. It was such a great feeling to know they will still support me, they still love me and see me as their son, regardless of what I am. Now I could openly talk about everything for the first time in my last years, especially the last year.
All in all, I think it was, and is not easy for my father to deal with the fact of having a gay son, but he is doing much better than I thought. I mean, he is 72, raised in a generat ion of homophobes, racists, Hitler. He basically didn't hear too much positive things about gays. Luckily he had this friend... My mom was thinking and speaking a lot about me, not so much about being gay, but much more about my relationship and how it will go on. She was actually very concerned that I was happy and how we dealt with this long-distance relationship. We talked a lot about my boyfriend and me... My father seemed to be quite comfortable until the day I actually left for Switzerland (o ne week later). Then namely, he asked if it was really necessary to tell my friend in the village, and if he can really keep the secret. I told him that there is nothing for him to worry about, as he knew for quite a while already. He didn't even tell his brother in the last 5 months. After I reassured my father's "safety", he seemed relieved...
That's pretty much all that I can say about my outing. If you want to comment on anything or have any further questions, please feel free to contact me.
I am more than happy to be of any help, and I love to get to know new people!
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