hide me away... archives - weight Wednesday, July 03, 2002   i feel so transparent...in LJ...i hate the way that anyone can read my entries. i think that i will hide them all...if that is possible? gyaa...wat is my problem...i want ppl to react when i they read in my LJ and yet i dun like ppl seeing it...O_o;;;; i'm fucked...i know! fuck. ppl eat way too much. i've eaten one meal...and in that one meal i've had an adults daily amount of calories~ about 1600... one packet of indomie has that many calories? fuck i feel sick...soo goddamn sick. how will i survive this week and the next one? ;_; i feel sick...why did i eat those noodles...and cake...and i will be expected to eat dinner too!!! fuck...how can anyone expect me to eat three meals a day? its fucking insane ~______o;;;;; posted by osseous keloid 3:57:58 PM Tuesday, July 02, 2002   i keep picking and peeling more skin of my lip...it feels nice...if only i could purge...but i'm scared takechan would hear me... i binged...i have to pay the price tomorrow when i weigh myself. my weakness...so its all my fault. posted by osseous keloid 11:59:40 PM   i feel so infinitely small and selfish. my hands are frozen... i just feel like talking...but it seems so selfish. :x *zips mouth shut* posted by osseous keloid 11:58:02 PM Monday, July 01, 2002   gya. after i talked to clare...i went home. i ate ~_~ i was going to hide the piece of slice in my bag and throw it once i got here, but takechan was like, "thats your piece right?" and i could hardly walk away and then return with out it a few seconds later -_-;; that alone was ok i figured considering i'd only had coleslaw all day...but then my mum got some chocolate out ~_____~ so i had a hot chocolate with milk^^;; because milk is supposed to make puking easier. and then straight before i came here i had half a class of water and then a glass of milk. and it helped. i puked much easier than usual, okies it mostly decomposed ~_~ but still at least i could get some out of my system... i feel so exhausted now ~_~ my eyes feel strangely heated up and tired *sigh* posted by osseous keloid 12:01:57 AM Sunday, June 30, 2002   it made me extremely happy^^;;; as opposed to this mornings shitty feeling...and i purposely took my fluoxetine on an empty stomach so i hoped to feel nauseous tonite :P but so far haven;t ;_; posted by osseous keloid 6:08:29 PM   gya. i suppose it is quite amusing how this morning i was so disgusted by my thoughts last nite - the problem is that while i do not want to be pro ana...i do want to lose weight not put any on. and so the only way i can see that happening is if i continue this. I weighed myself - 97.9lb (98lb/44.5kg). i was so excited to see that weight, but unable to believe it and so i weighed myself about 6 more times :P and it was always the same^^;;;; so since i hadn't eaten then i had a bit of coleslaw^^;; with mayonnaise...and a cup of coffee. and that is absolutely all that i have eaten so far today!!! :D i made up my mind to go to dinner, but Wei Ying hasn't come *shrugs* so i guess i won't eat :P what a shame^^;;;;;;; posted by osseous keloid 6:06:43 PM   gya gya. when will this confusion end? will i wake up one day and not be confused? will that ever happen? posted by osseous keloid 11:44:36 AM   i feel so weak, like i'm caving in under pressure, like i'm giving in...am i? i feel so pathetic...i wish i had someone to talk to... posted by osseous keloid 11:36:43 AM   why do i keep lying to myself, trying to be something that i'm not? why can't i just accept the truth? posted by osseous keloid 11:34:44 AM   i feel nauseous. i dont want to eat but i do at the same time. i think i might just go to bed now.... i dont wanna see anyone... posted by osseous keloid 11:33:34 AM   It�s funny how confusion fills me so deeply, even though I talk about her so freely, there is a part of me who doesn�t believe it could be true that she is here� I feel like I am trying to be something that I�m not, would it make sense if I said I feel sick right now? Would it make sense if I said I don�t know whats going on, or what I�m doing anymore� I don�t understand myself at all, when did this happen�or am I just making it up again? I don�t know what I�m doing�I feel so confused�so sick�so disgusted� How the hell could I read all that and what it? What is wrong with me? I wanna get away from there, why is my desire to belong to something that I would do this? Gya I feel so confused�I have no idea at all what I want or what i am doing... posted by osseous keloid 11:27:15 AM