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Name: Richard Milliner Age at death:15 Position: Goalkeeper Coroners Report: During the local derby game between Milby Albion and Manor Court a penalty was awarded to the Manor Court team after Tim "Timmy" Sharpe violently brought a man down in the area after said player had been overheard making scandalous comments about Mr Sharpes "father", a Mr David Beckham. A Manor Court player by the name of "Harris" extinguished his cigarette in the referees arm and stepped forward to take the penalty and let loose a thundering shot that went straight at Mr Milliner. Mr Milliner attempted to dive out of the way of the shot but tripped, and, through more luck than judgement, caught the football between his gloves. Mr Milliner then went on to celebrate his good fortune by using a celebration directly lifted from the previous nights viewing of "Taibi, a guide to goalkeeping" proceeded to dance around shouting "Yes, Easy!" etc. Unfortunately the sheer annoyance levels raised by one of Mr Milliners celebrations led to all the players from both teams, substitutes and even a nearby O.A.P walking his dog surrounding Mr Milliner and proceeding to kick the S**T out of him. Mr Milliner could possibly have survived his ordeal but the incensed mob that had gathered refused to call an ambulance for 2 hours and after the ambulancemen finally arrived later they decided that, after talking to him for 10 seconds, "It was bound to happen sooner or later". Cause of Death: Terminal Irritation. Name: Allan Verdon Age at Death: 16 Position: Right Midfielder Coroners Report: Mr Verdon, famous for his inability to walk anywhere, was running around the St Nicolas Park estate looking "for any P**n that might have been dropped by dealers" when he took a fatal wrong turning into... a Cul-de-Sac! Unable to stop running (something which he had not done for 12 years) Mr Verdon ran straight at the house at the end and, due to the speed he was travelling at, was killed on impact with the front door. Cause of Death: Speed Overdose Additional Notes: Mr Verdons family and friends have asked for his tombstone to read as follows: "Allan-P**n King-Verdon, Finally ran into trouble."
Name: Aaron Biggs Age at Death: 87 Position: Defense Coroners Report: On his first date with a new girlfriend of his, Mr Biggs took her to all his usual haunts; The Wacky Warehouse, the park (to play on the specially reinforced swings) etc. Noticing boredom etched across the face of his latest squeeze he did what he usually did in this situation- he took her to the ice-cream man. Even this did not cheer the girl up and he was quite frankly stumped as to what to do, so he did the only thing he could do- he started to bite his bottom lip. After a few minutes of confusion the girl finally came to understand what Mr Biggs problem was; "You do know how old I am don't you? - I'm 18" Mr Biggs, faced with a girl over the age of consent who was not "the b***h queen from hell" keeled over- his heart had given out at the tender age of 87. Cause of Death: Shock resulting in 9 simultaneous heart attacks.
Name: Andrew Lyall Age of Death: 16 Position: Centre Forward Coroners Report: After ninety minutes of intensive football playing in his usual position of covering left midfielder. Lyall was hit by an unusually strong apathy attack. Instead of stopping dead in his tracks and lying down, he sat down and stared out over the wilderness into oblivion. It was not long before an unfortunately placed shot impacted him on the forehead, with no afro-protection, as it invariably will do every training session, he remained frozen. It was another twenty four hours before anybody actually realised that he had fallen into a deep coma. He remains seated there to this day, until he finally realises that there is no point living after all. Cause of death: Terminal Apathy.
Name: Mark Stansfield Age at Death: 25 Position: Anywhere Verden is. Coroners Report: He was found beaten to a pulp in a council flat in Brimingham. He apparently owed sums of money amounting to five hundred million pounds to a mafia crimelord. If only he had lent Dan the 30p to play pool. But that first step set him on the long road to being a selfish, money grabbing fool. Cause of death: Bill Gates syndrome.(the inability to give any money to anyone)
Name: Tim Sharpe Age at death :24 Position: Centre Defence (Allegedly), Right Midfield (like B-----m p.b.u.h.) Coroners Report: At the age of 33, David Beckham decided to hang up his boots. McDonalds decided to stop selling choccy donuts, he lost several times at Goldeneye, tennis finally lost its 1 viewer and Aaron Biggs went out with somebody for more than 3 months. On the surface, nothing seemed to be wrong, the same blank stare, the same poor crossing ability, but underneath Tim Sharpes world was falling apart. After consuming excessive amounts of alcohol (1 pint), he tried a McDonalds cinnamon donut. His digestive system was not used to the new flavour, and he fell to the floor of the restaurant crying "Oh my word!", as his friend(s) gathered round, his dying words were "See yinnabit ,yeh?". After the funeral, a mob of well over two hundred people crowded round his house demanding back the stuff he had borrowed. But they were to be dissapointed as in his will he had given it all to Beckham. Cause of Death: No more reason to live (not to be confused with Terminal Apathy, apathy is a very seroius issue and if you want to donate money to Lethal Apathy Support Initiative (LASI) then it would be much appreciated [Yes, even you Stannah]). Name: Edward Miliner Age at death: 98 Nationality: Zimbabwean Position: Right Back (my arse!) , Right off the pitch more like. Coroners Report: He was just sitting, watching T.V. when Simon Mayou's (Harrys distant relative, not that he can remember) programme "Confessions" came on. Insignificant Athersrtone United footballer Aaron Biggs appeared confessing to the audience about his deepest secrets. I won't go into the details because they will probably make you vomit, but in this, he revealed to the whole country how he seduced his former team mate twice, firstly posing as a 23 year old french woman and then as a 16 year old 'goddess'. He was then killed when a 40ft rock bun came hurtling through the window. Cause of Death: Immaturity on the part of Steve. Name: Steve Brown Age at death: 17 Nationality [this week]: English (but Brazilian because they win everything) Position: Goal line protector. Coroners Report: A long ball by Tim Sharpe was floated over the defense and landed at the feet of Steve (not intentionally) , two yards from goal. He shaped to shoot, as the 3 year old goalkeeper stood trembing, Steve unleashed the most pointlessly powerful shot of his footballing(?) career. The ball managed to deflect off the post and rebound hitting Steve on the forehead. As the ball soared up 40 yards into the air (fate had already determined the next target of the ball , but who cares?, certainly not the person it is destined to hit(Lyall)), onlookers rushed to the scene. It was a tragedy for all of Milby's opponents, knowing that they would probably conceed twice as many goals. Cause of Death: Poor Shooting.
Name:Simon 'Sim' Sanghera Age at death: 17 Corroners report: An unknown assasin [Haden] broke into the Sanghera household late one night and performed what was to prove fatal sabotage. The assasin sneaked past armed guards, and swam through a crocodile filled pool to reach the palace gate. Once inside he made his way to Simon's room and performed his sabotage, he then left (stopping off at McDonalds). The next day (a Wednesday) all was well until an hour before training began when the sabotaged headphones were applied and turned on. Immediately the deceased realised something was wrong, in fact the volume was painfully high and appeared to be getting louder! When he found out that the volume controls were unuseable he was left with a difficult decision: (a) to keep the headphones on and die through a cranial rupture or (b) take his headphones off during a training session!
He was pronounced dead 2 hours later. Cause of death: Couldn't stop the rock.
Name: Tim Jacques Age at Death: 56 Position: At Work Corroners Report: Mr Jacques was with his great-grand nephew, driving around the St Nicolas Park estate (where he still lived with his parents- age 56!) and by sheer coincedence drove past the house where one of his school friends had used to live. This particular house had long since been torn down and an anonymous businesssman had built a creche for children of the age that his grand-nephew was at that time. Mr Jacques pulled up at the "Windermere Avenue Creshe" and parked in the luxurious car park.
He sent the child through to play with the other children and went to pay at reception. At reception Mr Jacques saw a man(?) he had not seen in a long time- Ben Bruce!
Mr Bruce, took Mr Jacques on the "guided tour" finishing up in a strange room near to the end of the building. "Now I will show you my greatest triumph" said Ben as he pushed a concealed button. As the button was depressed the far wall of the room sudddenly slid up into the ceiling revealing a view into the female changing room - (a changing room for the under 6's)! Mr Bruce, had evidently put a large one-way mirror into the room so that he could perve on the asssembled children. Mr Jacques was quite frankly disgusted by this, (naked females were a mystery to him- no matter how old they were), and ran all the way back to his car stopping only to pick up his grand nephew.
He got into the car and sped off into the distance- unfortunately he had not reckoned on Mr Bruce's Business partner- the man who had demolished his parents home just to have some land to build on - Mr Biggs (James Bond badguy #4576), or Valerie/Lucy as he was known during weekends. Mr Biggs had a score to settle with Mr Jacques, you see, Mr Biggs never did pass his driving test and was secretly jealous of Mr Jacques from the start- he got his revenge though, while Mr Bruce had kept him busy Mr Biggs had got his underling Kristian (little Mr Biggs) to cut Mr Jacques� brake cables! Cause of Death: Doing 90m.p.h when he hit a snow-covered hexagonal sign (nobody knew what the sign was for)
Name: Mark McConnochie Age:17 Corroners report: While out at the gym with his good friend (hope that's all they are ) Andrew Lyall, Mark decides to try and impress his friend by lifting 10 times his (Andy's) weight. NB: The equivalent is 100 times Verdans weight. However as he tried to bench press this collosal weight his strength reserves would only last so long... The weight fell landing on Marks windpipe, his only chance was Andy........... After expending no effort to try to save Mark, (Apathy) Andy wandered aimlessly off muttering "I cannee do it captain, I joost doont hav the poo-er. Cause of death: bad Star Trek joke. (Funny? who cares I just wanted to put in the Scottie joke)
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