Here are the Dave! does Dallas stories... these are the updates to my life... so enjoy them....
OK... So I've moved to Dallas. Why move to Dallas?? Well lets just say... I needed to start my life over. I needed to leave behind a lot of pain and misery and move on... besides... I always wanted to be a cowboy growing up... So now I can be a real one... I've even ordered me a cowboy hat... one like John Wayne use to wear... so cool! I've made a few observations while I have been here... I guess the number one thing I've noticed is that stupid people are all over this country... would love to find a place where there wasn't any... but I guess I'm doomed to live with the mentally inferior... so without further adieu lets get to the observations....
Observation Number One... Or in Dallas speak... Numero Uno... People in Dallas like to use Spanish words... you'd think after what happened at the Alamo (Which Texans are always bringing up, especially when they discover you're not from Texas) that they wouldn't want to use Spanish words... but they do... no one here ever says Thanks or Thank You... it's alway Grasias... The same with what... alway Que? Go figure it... but I'm fitting right in... Como esta estedes???
Observation Number Two... OK.. I know you ain't gonna believe this... but there is more big hair in Texas then any other State in the union... go figure... there is even a sign on Route 30 as you come into Texas from Arkansas that says welcome to Texas... Home of big Armadillo's and even bigger hair... no shit... I actually turned around at the next exit and went back for another look... I'm going to get my camera and go back out there and take a pic to put here so ya'll will believe me...
Observation Number Three... Dallas is flat... I mean FLAT.... the only hills in Dallas are on the women... and most of those are from surgery... if you know what I mean... I come from the east coast... we have hills there... of course our women are a little flatter.. so I guess it is a trade off... but I must tell you... there must be a law here in Dallas... women have 30 days from establishing residency to obtain a "C" cup or larger or they are kicked out... I'm not kidding... I was sitting in a bar and these two girls that just moved to Dallas were talking about getting boob jobs...first time in my life that complete strangers decided to tell me about their medical procedures... and as I look around Dallas... I've noticed that all the women here have big ones... so I guess Dallas is making up for being so flat by making their women hilly....
Observation Number Four... What the hell is with the alcohol laws in Dallas... Get this... to buy alcohol here you have to buy an ABC card... everyone that drinks has to have one... and then the Bars have to buy licenses... they can buy licenses for different hours and such for different amounts... I'm telling you... it wasn't this way in the old days... guess the liberals have really taken over Dallas... and don't even get me started on the smoking laws... I just know I'm going to get arrested for smoking on the south side of the street on an odd numbered day in a month with an r in it.... What happened to the days of John Wayne and the Cisco Kid?? When all ya had to do was walk in the saloon and order a beer or a whiskey?? I swear we need to get back to those days... if'n the bar tender would have asked John Wayne for his ABC card... the Duke would have shot him... wish I could do that sometimes... which brings me to ...
Observation Numero Cinco... You can get carry permits here in Texas... that's right... for a hundred dollars and a quick test... you can carry a gun... which I found out ya kinda need here in Dallas... because I had been in the state less than 36 hours when I stopped at an Exxon to get a Mountain Dew and what do I find??? This guy is holding up the gas station... I guess the two guys behind the counter weren't moving fast enough for him because he fires a shot between them as I walk through the door... I look at the robber and the robber looks at me and he takes off out the other door... don't ask me why he didn't shoot at me... I still ain't figured it out... but I'll tell you one thing... that nickel plated .25 sure looked like a howitzer for a moment there.... so I'm going to go get me a permit as soon as I establish residency... then look out bartenders... don't be asking me for my ABC card...
Observation number Six... HOV lanes... now we have high occupancy lanes back in DC... mostly on the highways leading into town from Maryland and Virginia... but they are only during rush hours... Here in Dallas they are 24/7... and here is the real kicker... once you get into the lanes you can't get back out except for specially marked areas... yes they will give you a ticket for leaving the lane once you are in it... now you would think that wouldn't be too bad... that if you had two or more people in your car you could get in those lanes and fly like the wind and get where you are going... right??? WRONG!!!!! During non rush hour times it seems to be the sport here for morons to get into the HOV lanes and drive 40 miles an hour because they know the people behind them can't get back out of the lanes... I'm not kidding... so once again... I'm praying for the time I can establish residency... it is times like these that we need our guns handy!!!!
Observation Number Seven... Now I swear this is true... and I really don't want to give you the impression that everyone in Dallas is really stupid... but I was sitting at a table in a large country bar here when at the table next to me I over heard five waitresses having a discussion on which hand they should carry the drinks in... it seems that they were more worried about this than getting anyone a drink... so you know me... I just had to help out... I lean over and tell them it really doesn't matter because if they sat there much longer they wouldn't have any customers left... but I did promise them if they just went and served the drinks no one would tell on them if they used the wrong hand to carry the tray... and I swear to God... they turned to me and told me that since I didn't work there they couldn't listen to me that they had very important waitressing issues to discuss... I think it is about time for me to give up on trying to get a drink in Dallas....
Observation Number Eight... Dallas must be a Muslim and Jewish city... because you CAN NOT get pork BarBQ here... I swear... Signs all over saying BARBEEQ... but try and ask for a pulled pork sandwich and they look at you like you are from Mars... A friend of mine here says it is because this is cattle country... I think it is a religious thing... I'm going to see if I can open me a pig farm here... if I can't, we'll all know the truth!!!
Observation Number Nine... Final one for now people... I just have to make fun of the "Cowboys" here... The weirdest one by far was the guy that stood about 5' 3" and wore spurs on his boots... I figured the guy must have rode his horse to the bar... but nope... I followed him outside when he left... Hey, I wanted to see the horse... and guess what... he was driving a beat up ol Toyota... so can someone please tell me what the spurs are for??? Next comes the hats... now when I was growing up I was taught that you take your hat off when you enter a building... even the Army had that rule so I guess mom was right... but here in Dallas, these guys are really proud of their hats... that or they don't want anyone to know they are bald... they wear them inside... now there are only two colors allowed... Black and white... I was sitting in the country bar here and I'm figuring it must be the OK Coral or something because here are all these guys wearing these hats and they have separated into two groups... the white hats and the black hats....I'm wondering if I dye mine purple if they will even let me in to play...??? Final note... Tight pants and big belt buckles... I think I figure this one out... someone here had the bright idea to wear pants so tight you could see the veins of his penis outlined in the pants... and when all the women started making fun of him for having such a small package he made a huge belt buckle to hide behind.... so the way I see it... all those cowboys wearing tight jeans and big belt buckles must have really small peckers...
So those are my ramblings for Dallas... Feel free to email me if ya'll have some more or if'n you can splain some things to me... [email protected] and I promise I won't make fun of ya if'n ya do....
Update on my adventures in Big D!!!!
Only I, the notorious Ranger99 could do this one... I move 1400 miles away from DC... get out and start meeting people... actually looking for a Texas woman just to see if they are different from DC women... and what do I do??? I go and find this beautiful woman to fall in love with... only to find out first she is a Yankee and then to make matters worse... she is from Illinoisss... She swears you are suppose to pronounce it without the 's' but when I ask her... she can't splain to me why they put the 's' there if you're not suppose to pronounce it... but hey... I figure if that is the biggest thing we ever argue about it can't be too bad... right??? but anyways... I figured I'd tell you all about our first date... seeing how's ya'll's like to hear my stories....
So's I call her on the phone and we make plans to go out to the West End of Dallas to have dinner, get to know one another and have a few drinks... now I'm figuring... if we go to dinner early and things just don't work out we can part company and a whole Saturday night ain't wasted... and after she leaves I can go get wasted... so she is suppose to call me about 15:00 hours (that's 3:00 p.m. for you non military people) to tell me where to meet her... well 15:00 comes and goes... no word... 16:00 comes and goes... still no word... so I'm figuring she got held up some place and is running late so I go jump in the shower and get dressed... now ya have to understand... Sexy Texie is helping me here... she goes with me to buy some new Cowboy clothes for this date and helps me decide what to wear... helps me to pick out flowers for my date and basically is like the best man at a wedding... I'm nervous as hell and she is trying to calm me down... You have to understand... this woman that I am to meet knows nothing about Ranger... she only knows about Dave.. So I'm nervous that Ranger will show up and she won't like him... So anyways... I get dressed... and I'm still waiting...17:30 still no phone call and I'm figuring that I have been blown off... so I'm sitting there all dressed up in new tight black jeans, boots and a new shirt waiting for the phone to ring, biting my nails and watching a movie when about 18:00 hours I figure that I have been stood up... so just as I am getting ready to go change the phone rings and it is her.. seems her car broke down and she didn't have a cell phone... so she says she still wants to go out, but that I will have to come pick her up because she isn't sure her car will make it from Arlington to Dallas... So I tell her I'll pick her up... She gives me directions to her house and I fly out the door... I didn't even stop to think she might need to get ready... I figured it was going to take me 45 minutes minimum to get to Arlington and that should be plenty of time... besides... I'm nervous and I want to get there before my antiperspirant stops working.. ya know??? So I fly and I mean fly to Arlington... I'm using the shoulders and every lane on the road to fly past traffic... I'm weaving, I'm ducking and I'm singing at the top of my lungs to keep from thinking how nervous I am about meeting her... So I make it to her house in about 40 minutes... which ain't a bad bit of driving... Garland to Arlington in 40 minutes is pretty good... look it up on a map...
So I arrive at her house, only to be completely and totally stunned... there before me was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen... She has the most incredible blue/green eyes in the world and they were sparkling and dancing before me, I started shaking so bad I couldn't stand it... all I could manage was a "here" as I shoved the flowers I brought her, out in her general direction. She was drop dead gorgeous and I seriously thought I was going to faint... I started to hyperventilate and everything... She was wearing this incredible dress that completely showed off her stunning body and her smile shone like a thousand suns... I just stood there.. the only thing I could think of was that there was no way she was going out with me... I figured she would tell me she had just come down with a headache and here I was with no aspirin... She put the flowers in some water and turned and asked if I was ready to go or did I want something to drink first... all I could do was motion towards the door and try and get my jaw back up off the floor.
We decided that maybe it would be best to go to Ft. Worth for dinner since it was closer than Dallas and quite frankly I didn't care where or what we did as long as I could be seen in public with her... so off we drove to Ft. Worth and I know we were talking on the drive over... but don't ask me what about... it wasn't until we reach the Stockyards at Ft. Worth that my brain decided to start functioning again.... so we parked the truck and walked around for a bit trying to decide where we wanted to eat... now you have to understand... this is pretty funny... cause it started a little thing we do... we can never figure out where to eat... probably the only thing in life we can't decide... both of us have pretty strong personalities and both of us know what we want from life and how to get it... we just can't seem to decide what or where to eat... now I really don't care what I eat as long as I eat.. I don't think there is a restaurant in the world I can't find something to eat at... I mean I'm sure even those Tofu serving restaurants in California have something edible on their menus... so we walk around the stockyards three times before picking a place called Risky's... Hell I figured what a great place for a first blind date... I was taken a risk so far and so was she... so we decided on Risky's...
Now up to this point I'm still pretty damn nervous... I'm stuttering... I'm drooling... I'm sweating... OK... I'm acting like a dork... and so we go in and sit down and start talking... and the conversation just flows... this woman is totally unbelievable... she is intelligent, sophisticated, witty and completely charming... so I do what I always do in these situations... I start making fun of people in the restaurant... I start telling little life stories about people and she starts to laugh and join in... I mean... talk about two peas in a pod... she was as bad as I was... and then when the waitress brought us our grub... she noticed they forgot to put salt and pepper on the table... and after the waiter leaves to go fetch us some... I turn to her and ask... "Did they really forget or did you just put the shakers in your purse..." to which she replied... " They really forgot it... I can't fit the shakers in my purse... the knives and forks are taking up too much room..."... Now I don't know about you... but to me that was the perfect come back to my line and I just sat there laughing like an idiot for ten minutes... so dinner continued on like that... laughing and joking and having a great time... I was really afraid for it to end... so I asked if she wanted to go for drinks or if she wanted me to take her home... she said she wanted to get to know me better over drinks, but if I wasn't having a good time we could go home... NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME???? Was she crazy??? I was having the best time of my life...
So we head over to this bar... Billy Bobs... we get some beers and watch some bull riding... (I can do that!!) and then after that we go sit at a bar and start people watching again... now three cute little things happen while we are there... the first was as we are walking over to the bar we noticed the hard way that there were some steps... three little uneven, non lighted steps to be exact... in the middle of the floor... now LaDena was leading and almost feel down them... that isn't the funny part... she caught her self and turned to warn me... well as she turned I stopped to see why... well cowboy boots and step edges don't mix so well so down the steps I slid... skied was more like it... I never fell but it was an interesting ride... so we decided to camp out by the steps and watch other people as they walked near... amazing how the later in the night it got... the more people never saw those steps... it was quite entertaining... the best one had to be when the guy and woman locked eyes as he was walking towards her... she started for him... and as they were drawing close... he decided she looked better from across the room then she did up close and made a quick left hand turn away from her... now she was on a mission and was not going to give up that easy and made a quick right hand turn to intercept him... only her turn took her by way of the steps... straight to the floor... now the only thing I think she hurt was her pride... because she made a bee line straight for the door... very, very red faced... guess she won't be going there no more....
The next funny thing was a couple that decided to hook up some of their friends with each other... now you have to picture this... this couple standing in the middle of the bar... her friends behind her... his friends behind him... trust me here... her friends were way too good for his friends... his friends were a couple of real winners... how big of winners you ask??? well let me put it to you this way... even when the girls turned their backs and started for the bar to make their escape, these two guys... kept following them... with their hands deep in the pockets playing pool and not understanding why the girls kept speeding up... I guess it might be one of those times when you had to be there... but trust me... we weren't the only ones that had seen this and were laughing our butts off!!!!
The final thing that still has me laughing is one of the guys that works at the bar... his job is to go throughout this bar with a dolly and take the big trash cans full of empties out back for recycling... now this guy liked his job way to much... he had a bounce in his step that said " I like my job, I like my job, I like my job, I'm so cool, girls look at me, I work here, I'm so cool, girls look at me I work here.",... Now this guy spent the whole evening pushing these barrels around and every time he passed by I couldn't help but mimic him with... "I like my job, I like my job. I push the barrels, I push the barrels..." I guess I was doing a pretty good job of it... cause even today if I want to crack up LaDena... I just start saying..."I like my job, I like my job. I push the barrels, I push the barrels..." and she cracks up laughing....
So anyways... we had been having way too much fun... and laughing way too hard... and finally I just couldn't stand it any longer... I had to kiss her... I had been having this argument ever since dinner with myself over when I was going to kiss her... so finally I just leaned in towards her like I was going to whisper another joke to her and when she leaned towards me to hear it... I slipped my arm around her, pulled her even closer and kissed her... talk about fireworks... my mind lit up as our lips touched... and that stupid song from the 70's started playing in my ears... you know the one... Sky rockets in flight.... afternoon delight.... that did it... I was hooked... filet me and serve me up in a pan... I was done for... and ever since then I just can't get enough of her... I spend all my time thinking about her or being with her... it was the best blind date of my entire life... I hope it never ends....
or a quick update of my life in Texas...
OK... so here I was minding my own business and thinking I'm moving to Dallas to become a cowboy... when all of a sudden, I find myself in HELL! That's right somewhere between Maryland and Dallas, I must have made a wrong turn because I ended up in HELL... or at least it feels that way... this is like the 32nd straight day that temperature is over 100 degrees...(yes, I said One Hundred degrees!!) I'm sweating my balls off and don't give me that dry heat shit!!! Over 100 degrees is hot no matter how dry it is!!!
So there you have it... I'm in HELL!!! Well I guess I'll be staying here and trying to take over Hell ( Heaven doesn't want me..) er... I mean Texas... with the available brain cells in Texas it shouldn't take me that long... I mean I HAVE NEVER seen such pathetic people in all my life!!! They don't know their lefts from their rights... they can't drive worth shit... and they actually have licenses to carry fire arms... I guess we only have two hopes for this state... that the morons end up shooting themselves or I take over... either way... Texas will be a better place!!!
Alright so you want to know what I have been up to since I moved here... well pull up a chair and have a quick sit...
Things I have done....
1) Met the love of my life... we are living together happily ever after and are in the process of buying a new house... I hope to have some pic's up soon!!! Y'all will just love the pool and the monkey's that the next door neighbors have!!! They are so cool!!!
2) Went to a Rangers game... First they stole the Washington Senators... then they build their new ball park by copying Camden Yards... Home of the Baltimore Orioles... Can Texans ever get original??? But a good time was had by all and the Rangers did win the night I was there... it would have been better if the woman behind me didn't decide it was time to tell her date her whole life story... talk about boring someone to tears... if I had led her life I would have killed myself long ago...and she was ugly too... I really felt sorry for her date and told him as much after the game... it was the only time anyone got a word in edge wise with her... we still haven't figured out how she could talk and breath at the same time... but she must have... her poor date could only look at his shoes and sigh... My guess is that he didn't even bother to slow down when he dropped her off...just a drive by, shove and go...
3)Went to Hurricane Harbor... a water park just up the street
from Six Flags... It was nice... but they need someone to tell
them two things... first... there IS concrete that won't become a
bed of hot coals in the Texas sun... they should install it...
and second... NEVER EVER put a bungee like swing thingy over the
wave pool... some people tend to throw up when they drop a
hundred feet straight down and then swing up... and the wave pool
is not a good place to catch the puke... oh and while we are on
the subject... people DO NOT EAT right before doing this ride...
YOU WILL GET SICK!!!! and yes I will
laugh at you!!!
4)Had a GREAT 5th of July!!! Yes, the one day it has rained since I've been in Texas it picked the fourth to do it... so we had to wait until the next day to shoot off all the fireworks I was able to buy!!! And let me tell you the fourth best thing about Texas is that you can buy really cool fireworks!!! I mean shit that shoots into the air and explodes!!! I haven't had so much fun since October of 1983!!!! I was able to recreate D Day all on my own!!!
5) Billy Bobs!!! My favorite place to go to make fun of people!!! Two things!!! No she wasn't looking at you and two, no, you can't dance!!!! Enough said!!! Oh and to my favorite guy at Billy Bobs... You like your job... you are so cool pushing the barrel...every woman wants a man that can push the recycling barrel to the back... trust me... she does want you to talk to her!!!!
And to the female bartender... yes, I did make you come with one finger!!!
6) The West End... what can I say?? How bad can a place be where there is a bar called Rangers?? If you are ever there... go to Dicks Last Resort and no don't get pissed when the waiter makes fun of you... just tell them that Ranger sent ya... and ask them if their father ever beat those beastiality charges... and the foods pretty good too and the Blow Jobs are phenomenal!!!... oh but one word of caution... if there is a bachlorette party going on and they have a stripper... don't take your shirt off... the strippers get really, really pissed if you have a better chest then they do!!! Yes, I would know this for a fact!!!! Also... go to Alley Cats... you'll have a blast... but don't take your beer on stage... and just remember this... "Some people claim that there's a woman to blame..."
"BULLSHIT!!!"
"Shut up, BITCH!"
Go there and all will become clear!!!
7) I would like to thank the 2nd largest bank in the U.S. for giving me a job and a whole lot of material to write about here... but you people will just have to wait until my probationary period is over before I start telling the stories!!!
8)All I can say is this... Texas should change their State song from the Yellow Rose of Texas to I Want to be An American... those last two people living in Mexico must be pretty lonesome... but fear not... GM will be moving their manufacturing facilities there soon enough, so you can all Head back for the Border.... and take Taco Bell with you... The food sucks... but damn I love those commercials.... Here Lizard, lizard... Ut oh... I think I'm going to need a bigger box... Ok... Whose been eating the beans...
9) How I spent my summer vacation... Trying to explain to Texas males... that even though Jesus Christ himself wore sandals... they just are not cool!!!! And wearing them with socks is even worse... Here's a hint... Texas is suppose to be the home of cowboys... and cowboys wear boots!!!! Get it yet??? And here's another bit of advice... if you have never ridden a horse much less won a rodeo event... DO NOT wear big buckles... remember... the bigger the buckle... the smaller the package!!!!
So everyone has been bugging me for another Dallas update… so her it is in all it’s glory… two major changes have occurred with me lately…like my life doesn’t have major changes every 45 minutes anyway… but these changes were most notable… so without any further ado… lets get started with the changes that are happening now…
One of the biggest changes is that We are having a pool installed … YES!!! Anything to combat this Texas heat is a relief to me… we are taking some pictures… not as many as I would like… but we are taking some and they will be added for your viewing enjoyment as they come available… meaning I get off my lazy butt and get the pic’s developed…
This pool experience has been interesting… every aspect of it has been a challenge…from meeting with the first salesmen to signing the contract to getting the loan to helping with installation… as of this writing we are at the Gunite stage… this is where the hole has been dug, the plumbing has been placed in and around the hole, the steel support frame has been molded into the hole and we are waiting for an inspection and the guys to come out and shoot the gunite into the hole to give us a nice water proof, concrete hole in the ground. The first part of this project should have been the easiest… we met with several different salesmen from various pool companies to decide which would provide the best pool for the most reasonable price. You will notice I didn’t say cheapest price… the reason for this was one of the salesmen came out and was willing to put in a pool at almost $10,000 cheaper than everyone else. I don’t know about you… but when someone wants to do the same thing as everyone else for ˝ the costs alarm bells go off in my head big time. Say I'm a paranoid, say I’m a pessimist, but whatever you want to call it… something just wasn’t right… so I started reading their contract, taking it apart line by line as compared to the other contracts and guess what… I was going to have to do most of the work and hire most of the subcontractors myself… basically this guy was going to supply some parts and put a few things together… when I questioned him on these issues he became a little hostile and wanted to know what I wanted for that price… Actually what I wanted was a swimming pool. If I wanted to be a contractor I could have done the whole job myself. So I showed him the door and got back to business. Smart move on my part because a couple weeks later this guy shows up in the Dallas news. Seems he wrote all these contracts, took the money, started the pools and then filed bankruptcy and split with the money… there are a whole lot of poor souls here now with big holes in their yards, no pools and no money. So my word of warning… if it seems way to good to be true… it is… get out, leave it alone… don’t look back!!!
The next salesman I got to meet was a lovely guy from Anthony Sylvan Pools. Now here was a guy that was a gem. Walks into my house and starts making himself right at home. Asking for drinks, playing with my dogs, making comments about the décor. What can I say… the guy has missed his calling. He should be either a used car salesman or a traveling preacher/elixir salesman. We did not get along from the start. I guess it was when he started by trying to explain the engineering properties of a paper cup. I’m sorry… but when he told me that the reason he uses less gunite on his pools was because they put more around the top edge… and that just like a paper cup it made it stronger I couldn’t keep a straight face. Here is his explanation… " The roll around the top of a paper cup is there to add strength to the cup and that because of that roll he could take 4 cups, turn them upside down, lay a board on them and they would hold his weight"... well I'm not stupid... so I said show me and got him four cups and a piece of plywood from the garage… needless to say… he and the cups ended up flat… I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my pants... well this wasn'’ the only salesman story he told it only got better… the more I went into things with him the better things got… so I went through his contract and started adding and deleting items that would serve me… well when he got the revised contract he through a fit, yelling and screaming and asking what the hell I wanted… what he didn‘t realize was that LaDena had a couple friends that had pools put in by these people and they had screwed up on everyone…of them. So all that I did in the contracts were changed some payment dates and deliverables, put in a few penalty clauses and basically made it so that if they screwed up in any little way… they would be putting the pool in for free.. well he decided to turn my revised contract over to his manager. His manager called me to discuss the issues… boy did I have fun with him… he kept telling me what a professional company they were and how they didn’t have any problems with any of their pools they built, yadda yadda yadda…. And I sat there and unhuhed him… until he was finished… and then I simply asked him one question… If he was so certain they were such a professional company and they didn’t have problems with their pools… why wasn’t he willing to sign the contract? Nothing in there could hurt him if he did everything he said he could do… so why wasn’t he willing to put it in writing… and his response was… well why are you judging us by other pool companies… that is when I lowered the boom on him… I told him about our three friends that were having their pools done by his great company and all the problems they were having… well that took care of that argument… he stuttered… stammered… and then said he didn’t know anything about it… that’s when I said that I would reconsider if the problems my friends were having were cleared up in the next week…. Ok so I lied… there was no way I was going to reconsider… hell if he wasn’t going to sign the contract I wrote… then he could take his pool and bury it right up his butt… but I figured I could try and get the other pools fixed and finished…. And low and behold… they actually went out and finished the other pools. Well we went with Blue Haven Pools instead and so far they are doing a wonderful job… but I can tell you one thing… the manager over at Anthony Sylvan isn’t a happy camper… he called a couple days after the had fixed the last of our friends pools and wanted to know when he could start ours… he wasn’t happy when I told him never… so that ended the who was going to do our pool part… we went with Blue Haven, they actually signed the contract I wanted… their people were very up front and said… hey… nothing here isn’t what we are promising anyways… so if we don’t do it per contract… you should have recourses… and off we went with them…
So here we sit with a big hole in the ground and crews are coming everyday to do different stuff to this hole… we did have a couple minor problems… the biggest one being… TU Electric… (Texas Utilities) came out and marked their wires before we dug and they said all their wires were in the easement and away from where we were digging our hole (pool). Well they lied!!!! The idiots marked the damn cable lines… it took my several days of yelling, screaming, cussing and threatening before I finally got a hold of this wonderful lady there that fixed everything… now you have to realize … when I called her all I got was her voice mail and I tried several times to page her and call her before I finally left her a very terse message….then the most amazing thing happened… she called me back… I thought I had left a message in voice mail hell and would never hear from anyone again… but she actually called me back and very pleasantly asked me to explain what had happened and what my problems were…well I was disarmed by her politeness and actually calmed down enough to explain everything to her… How they had marked the cable lines by mistake, how the digging crew had hit the lines and killed power, how their guy had come out and restored power by splicing a 440 volt cable together in the middle of my back yard and promised a crew would be out the next day to fix it instead of doing it himself. I explained how I had no fence up, my pool was being delayed, how I had been patient but that it was a hazard to have the live wires out like they were and that a week was too long for this to have been going on… and to my amazement… she agreed with me and told me it would be taken care of before I got home that night… and she even gave me her home number to call her if it wasn’t… now get this… damned if it wasn’t done when I got home…
Now I know someone at TU got chewed out… and well they should have… and I know by the trash they left and the way they cut my cable that the crew that did the work wasn’t exactly happy… but Tamara… the lady that fixed this did get the job done and it was done properly. Of course I had to cal the cable company out to fix their lines that TU cut… but that is ok…. The cable company is going to bill TU for fixing the problem….so that done… the pool people are back on schedule and getting my pool completed… I’ll do an update when the pool is finished… and by then I should have some pics also…. So check back soon….. I just can't wait to sit around this pool with a cool drink in my hand and dream I'm on MAUI!!!!! YES!!!!!
This is the newest update... it has been a while coming... so much has been happening since the last update...that I have been actually living life rather than writing about it... but like I always promise... when I get time I write... well I think I have some time so I'm going to start writing.... so here it is.... the newest update... well ok updates... figured I'd make it worth everyones time to read this....
The pool is done!!! Well, actually it was finished back in October... see how long it has been since I did an update??? I was going over another update and I found that I had mentioned a house we were thinking of buying... one with Monkeys next door... well that fell through... we weren't able to buy it... and man was I bummed... the reason I wasn't able to buy it?? Well the loan company had this problem with me owning a Condo back in DC...They asked if I was going to sell it and like a moron I told them ...no, I was going to keep it and rent it out... right now I'm renting it to my brother... well that isn't what they wanted to hear... so they said they would give me a loan... but instead of a good interest rate... they were going to charge me a second home rate... this made no sense to me... but that is what they said... so I told them they could take their 10% loan and shove it so far up their asses that they'd shit diamonds for life... that didn't help matters... but I got them in the end... I just built a pool here and I'll just get my own monkeys!!!! and yes the pic's of the pool are coming... hopefully by the time you read this I'll have them scanned and on here....or maybe I won't....
Tragedy has befallen the Ranger household... and it breaks my heart to have to say this... but a few weeks ago I lost my two best friends... yep... Monty and Airborne made their escape and haven't been heard from since...How did they escape you ask??? Why they escaped is the one that puzzles me... they had the life of Rielly here... but I guess dogs have this need to get out and explore and they were given the opportunity and they took it... well lets be fair here... Airborne got the opportunity and took it... Monty just went along... that was what he always did... where ever Airborne goes... Monty follows... So how did it happen? Seems that we got a new phone line in the house... makes sense to me... three people... three phone lines... well, really we had to get the third line... our beautiful 15 year old daughter has discovered boys and well... she was tying up both lines and as it was I was fighting her for some online time... I was patched into her line for my computer and well I just wasn't getting the time online that I need to sustain me. LaDena thought it would be best to go ahead and get another line to head off any fighting so she did... well when the contractors for Southwestern Bell came to bury the new cable they took it upon themselves to let the dogs out of the shed and then out of the fenced yard. And that as they say was that... no trace since... I miss them and wish they would hurry up and escape from where they are now and come back... but if they don't, I hope that whoever has them takes as good a care of them as I did... with the exception of letting contractors into their back yards when they ain't home... anyways... I'll do a memorial page soon to my two best friends... and guys if you read this... I do miss you!!!!
OK... anyone that knows me knows that I come from a long line of men... my genes are such that all the men in my family have had boys and NEVER any daughters... Well I thought this was great!!! Why??? Well for one simple reason... I never thought I could handle raising a daughter... why?? because I'm a guy and I remember how it was ... oh hell... how it is and what I think about and try on dates... So I figured I was safe... No daughters to raise, which meant I wouldn't be killing any little boys that came sniffing around my house...looking to do with my daughter the things I wanted to do to other fathers daughters... Well somewhere along the way I must have pissed off the Gods real good... because guess what??? I now have a daughter... and she is going to be the death of me...
How did I get a daughter you ask... well, no it wasn't THAT way... I simply fell in love with a woman that already had a daughter ... now soon I'm going to marry this woman and end up with a real live step daughter... well step/ no step/ real... whatever you want to call it... I'm out numbered by two women in the house and anyone that knows me can tell you... I'm usually out numbered by one woman... two on one is a complete slaughter... and they don't even respect the white flag of surrender...
So you are asking me... What's it like having a daughter... smirk, grin, laugh in my face... well it is different... I was prepared for boys... boys I can handle... boys I can spank... boys I can rough house with... hell boys are boys... they are easy to deal with... but a daughter??? How am I suppose to know what the hell to do with a daughter... they cry!!! Boys don't cry... well ok... boys will cry under two circumstances... one they get really, really hurt or two they are sissies... well no boy of mine would ever be a sissy, so that leaves only option one... and when they do cry you have two options... option one.. if there are no bones sticking out or blood flowing outside their bodies, you just look at them and tell them to suck it up before you give them something to cry for... and two... if there is blood or bones... you take them to the hospital and teach them to hit on the pretty nurses while the doc fixes them... easy... very easy... life with boys couldn't be simpler... but what the hell do you do with a daughter?? A girl no less?? Especially a teenage one... Somebody HELP me!!!!!
So here I am with a daughter now... that is a teenager... that has hormones cruising through her body at warp factor 10 and I am totally unprepared to deal with this... hell I'd rather go back to the Army and get shot at than have to deal with "female" issues!!! Unlike her Mom... I haven't had 14 years to prepare for this... Hell I just kinda jumped right in... well that figures, knowing me... doesn't it?? So Here I am with this daughter... a smart, very pretty one at that... hell I had no say so in the gene pool there... and I am completely lost and unprepared.
I need help!!! I mean one minute we are laughing and joking and having a great time and the next she is crying or whining about something that for the love of me I don't know where it came from. I try to be understanding and I try to do what I think is right... but damn... I spend more time recovering from blind sides than anything else... the good thing or at least I thought it was a good thing... was when I first joined this family... she didn't have a boyfriend... I fgured she just wasn't interested in boys yet .... WRONG!!! She was interested... she was just being picky and forgot to tell me about it... and the next thing I know... boom... I get blind sided by the boyfriend thingy... well it started with her birthday party... here she was inviting 20 of her closest friends over to the house for a barbque and I figure.... what could be so bad... 20 teenage girls sitting around eating and doing girly things... I figured I could fix some food and then head off to the bedroom and watch some tellie or read.... WRONG!!! Half of that 20 was BOYS!!! MAW go git me my guns right now!!! and some of these boys were football players... so here I am thinking cool... at least when they get out of line I can teach them what it feels like to be a quarterback on the receiving end of a red dog... well wouldn't you know it... everything is fine up until it starts getting late and low and behold... my new found daughter... the one I plan on spending the rest of my life loving and protecting decides to hook up with one of the boys...WRONG!!!! It wasn't one of the football players... it was this little nerdy kid... I mean come on... how am I suppose to handle this one??? Two of the big, good looking popular football players were interested in her... but does she choose one of them to upset me with??? NO!!!! She goes for the little nerdy kid that if I look at him wrong he is going to run home crying to his mommy... what am I suppose to do??? Someone help me here... Her mom sure wasn't any help... I went to her for some direction and some kind of explaination... and what do I get??? I get totally reamed for calling the kid a tweeb and a nerd... that's what I get... no understanding... no help and no compassion... I get reamed... well now I'm completely confused... and this isn't the first time and won't be the last time... my only question is... what the hell am I suppose to do??
OK... I guess I should explain my delima a little bit... See I remember high school... I remember well the little cliques and popularity contests... I know what it was like... so here I am trying to help.. to make things easier on the girl... and what do I get for my trouble??? I get reamed... I mean come on... there is no way in hell that dating a nerd who is a freshmen is going propell my daughter, the sophmore, to the heights of popularity...and now don't get me wrong here... I'm not so mean and cold that I even say this to Arryn... no I talk to her mother about it to see if I'm off base... I mean I haven't been a father figure very long and I do want to make sure things haven't changed that much.... well I guess they have... because two months later... other parents are still laughing at me and giving me a hard time about it.... so what am I suppose to do???
Next delima... punishments... now don't get me wrong... this kid is a wonderful kid... like I said... she is smart, intellegent and has a wonderful wit... she is also very, very pretty... takes after her mom... but the kid has a mouth on her that won't quit... I'm sorry... maybe I should just be thankful for what I got... I mean she is a good kid and doesn't get into trouble like some of the other teens... she pretty much listens and she always lets us know what she is doing, where she is doing it and with whom... but this kid thinks that she is some lawyer and will argue anything... and is not above blackmail or coersion... like that would work on me... I guess my biggest problem is the way she talks to her mom... around other adults she is pretty much polite and nice... every now and then she slips up... but around her mom and even with me sometimes she just pushes the buttons and mouths off... now I remember growing up... and I remember what a mouth I had as a teenager... but I'm telling you this... if I would have ever thought to say some of the things she says to her mom to my mom... I'd still be looking for teeth...
So how do I punish her??? I can't smack her... although I swear that is what I feel like doing at times... I can't hold her down and wash her mouth out with soap... I'm NOT her father... only a father figure... and restrictions... well I put her on that once and then let her off early because I felt bad... So what am I to do??? If anyone has any suggestions... now would be the time to give them to me...
Lets see here... well back in October I left my job with the bank... I hated to but had to... seems the company I was working for, that placed me in the bank had a difficult time with the concept of direct deposit for their employees pay checks. Every payday one of us and there were 9 or 10 of us working there wouldn't get their paycheck. Seems that they figured that if one of us didn't get our paychecks then they could just wait two weeks to see if it showed up and if it didn't they would then cut a new check... now I don't know about the other guys... but I don't work for free... I work for money... You pay me and I work and do a damn good job... that is the deal... well after watching everyone else not get their paychecks the day came that I didn't get mine... well I wasn't about to take their it is the mail excuse and I would have to wait... so I told them point blank FedEx me a check or I wasn't coming to work the next day... well they promptly told me they wouldn't FedEx a check and I promptly told them to kiss my ass!!!! I don't work for free... the killer here was I only had to last three more weeks and my contract would have been up and I would have been on full time with the bank... well that didn't happen... I guess in a way I took a chance that the company wouldn't take the chance on pissing off the bank and would FedEx me the check and try to ride things out for three weeks so they wouldn't lose the placement bonus the bank was going to pay them for me... we'll I figured wrong and they told me they didn't need me anymore... so I left...
Don't cry for me Argentina... I found a new job a week later... Working for another contracting company and they placed me in an even better job.... sometimes it just works out that way... I am now working for The Sabre Group... a division of AMR and guess what... I'm making way more money and lots better benefits then I was at the bank... So that other company... well they can just Kiss My Ass!!!!! They lose and I win!!!! Hmmmm.... think they learned anything??? Probably not.... but does everyone I use to work with at the bank know it??? HELL YES!!!! Do you think I was going to keep that news to myself??? I don't think so Lucy!!!! So I have until April... I'm under contract with this new company until then... then I can go full time with Sabre... but to be honest... sometimes I wonder if I should or not... I mean... I think I would like to... But right now... I get paid overtime... not sure if I would working full time for them... I may stay as a contractor....will have to see what kind of offer they make me... of the benefits are better than what I have now and they are willing to pay me over time... then baby!! I am there!
Guess who is trying to have a baby??? Yep!!! You guessed it... ME!!! Yes that is right... Ranger Danger man is trying to increase the population of the world by at least one... Hell if he turns out anything like his father...he'll dropped the population so it will all work out in the end...oh and just in case you are interested... He will be a Jr.!!! And we will call him Ranger... now you're asking yourself... How does he know if he is going to have a boy??? Well duh!!! Read the above update... number three I think.... I come from a long line of me and I ain't gonna be the one that breaks tradition...and for any of those that are interested... I may have succeeded in my mission... we are awaiting confirmation from the Doc now... well it is more complicated than that... but I should know soon whether the boys did their job!!!! And knowing me the way I did... those boys stormed the beach, fought their way up stream and nailed that little egg with everything they had... oh and just to throw a little spice into the pot... twins do run in my family... so what can I say??? Swim boys swim!!!! I'll keep y'all posted on what transpires and whether my mission has been accomplished... let's just say for starters... we started trying in November... and the last monthly visitor was the beginning of December... nothing since... so Houston... the eagle may have landed!!!!
update... nope she isn't....
And in case you are wondering... yes I did do a Griswald Xmas... I lit the skies of Dallas with a Xmas display that would have made Chevy Chase and Tim Allen proud!!!! And I have already started planning for next year... I'll include a pic of that here too..... But damn I didn't like that electric bill!!!! $200.00 for one month!!!!!
Ok… So here we are with our new Big D update… nothing major really to report… but there are a few items…
Item one…
What the hell is Domino’s problem??? Now I love Domino’s Pizza… Have since 1981 when I use to order it delivered to my barracks at Ft. Benning… But they have really started to piss me off… why you ask??? Tell us, Dave you! demand… Well Ok… here is the story…. I call up and order a small pepperoni and sausage pizza… You would think that that would be no problem… But instead of just taking the order… delivering my pizza and getting their $15 bucks… Noooooo…. Domino’s has to make an issue out of the fact that they don’t have small pizza’s… So I says to them… and I do this at least once a week when I call… Since when don’t you have a small pizza… they tell me they only have medium and larges… OK… Now what marketing moron figured this one out… How in the hell can you have a medium if you don’t have a small??? Doesn’t medium mean the same as middle… that it is the half way point between small and large?? So how in the hell can you have a medium with no small??? So I ask them …. How can you have this… The answer I receive… Because they are told that they don’t have small… only medium and large… I say… Ok… I want the small pizza… now if I have two choices… one has to be large and one has to be small… it can’t be medium… without a small… I don’t have three choices… I have only two… So I want the small one… Their answer… well sir you can’t have a small… we only have large and medium… So my next question is… did you graduate high school??? Then they start getting pissed…. So I ask them… I have two rocks… I’m going to drop one on your head… One rock is large … now do you really care if I call the small one medium or small??? Or is it you want me to drop the small one on your head??? They usually can’t answer this and I usually get the manager on duty… and off we go again… usually with the same results….So finally it gets to the point where I tell them they can call it whatever they like but I want the smaller of the two pizza’s… and of course like the lemmings they are they bring it to me… but what I would like is for everyone that orders delivery pizza to just start asking for the small… and then drive them nuts when they say they only have medium and large… make them bring you the smaller pizza….
Item two…
When will cops realize that they shouldn’t mess with
Ranger??? Here we are in Texas… getting a fresh start…
and it takes me less then a year to piss of another set of
cops… When will they realize that threatening to arrest me
is like telling me that they visited the White House as a
child… I just don’t care… Well we have another set
of Ossifers ( I use the word ossifers… because of an old
joke I heard one time… and quite frankly these morons
don’t deserve the respect that an officer should have.) on
their way to working at Dunkin Donuts… Yes you got it…
they threaten to have me arrested for aiding and abetting a
fugitive and harboring… Now if you don’t have contact
with a person how can you be aiding them??? Well that was my
question… These genius’ of law enforcement swore they
had phone records showing where I called this person… now I
know I haven’t called … and I know no one was home when
they swore people were making these calls… So I just laughed
and told them to go ahead and get their arrest warrant…
I’d be more than happy to turn myself in… Their
response was they were doing just that… So I escalated it to
another level. I called their Supervisor… Explained what was
going on… He asked me if I knew where the person was… I
informed him that I didn’t but wanted to know where I was to
go to turn myself in… He gave me an address but said I
should wait for him to call me when the warrant was issued…
I told him that his ossifers had threatened
me and told me they would have their warrant the next
morning… and that I would be at the address he gave me with
my attorney…. And the tapes I made of the conversation with
his ossifers… He asked if I actually made the tapes and I
told him I had… and that I was sure Internal Affairs would
find them most interesting… at which time he said he would
call his officers and then call me back… Well it wasn’t
10 minutes until the officers were calling me back to say they
think that there was some miscommunication… that they never
said they were getting an arrest warrant only that they COULD if
I WAS actually aiding and abetting… Well I hit the play
button on the tape recorder and when it was done asked them where
in the conversation they said they COULD and if I WAS… they
got very silent… Well the short of it is… I met with
their supervisor, them, Internal Affairs and my lawyer the next
day… and I brought with me the tapes, the request I made of
the phone company for my records… and the managers name and
phone number of the Dunkin Donuts… Lets just say… I
think they are still trying to talk their way out of
termination… don’t think they will make it though…
oh yeah… and there is a civil suit waiting for them and
their department to pay for my time, aggravation and lawyers
fees… and one last item… I did finally speak to the
person they were looking for… AFTER that person had turned
themselves in… and guess what… the two stooges had
actually walk past this person the day before, said good morning
to them and never realized they had spoken to the person they
were looking for…
Ain’t it good to know that even in Texas there are just as many screwed up cops as every where else??? Must be something in the badges… that makes them so stupid…..
Item three….
My poor pathetic Secretary…. Seems she is having a major breakdown of some sort… I thought I was being nice by giving her a job, getting some of my work done by her… at which I am paying her mucho denero…only to have her attack me in print from her very own web page… which if I hadn’t sent her for training she still wouldn’t have been able to do it… So there I was being attacked by her… and when I defended and protected myself from future lawsuits by giving an accurate description of her… she goes off the deep end… Now I’m sorry… I tried to be nice… I told the world she was a nice person and pretty… I was trying to be nice and to improve her self esteem… and see what I get for trying to be nice??? I even Gave her space on MY page to try and improve her station in life… only to have her spread lies about me… So what I need is for people to Write her and tell her they don’t appreciate her trashing poor Dave!… that I was the only one willing to give her a job…. No one else would….
Item Four…
My Love Life….
Ok… A lot of you have been asking what is going on there… well what can I say… We have our ups and downs like any couple in love… and every time we do, I get pissed and start deleting her from my home page only to put her back on… well as of now we are still together… still very much in love and still trying to have a Ranger Jr.…. I’m giving it a couple more months and then I guess we’ll go to the doc to see if something is wrong or if we are just missing the window… But don’t worry…Y’all will be the first to know if I hit bingo…
Item Five…
Ranger is breaking out and writing new and better stories… I still have a few worth telling about me… but I am also going to do a couple of other things… I have some fiction that has been rolling around in my head for a while now… so I am taking pen to paper… well actually fingers to keyboard and starting to write some of these short stories and I am also going to start a fiction novel right here online… I will try to pump out at least a chapter a month… hopefully I can get a little bit more… but you my fans can certainly help by your encouraging emails…
So those are the updates for now… enjoy, think and for Gods sake… stay the hell out of the left hand lane… you are in my way!!!!