OK... So you want to know why I don’t cook... well it is
real simple... I have been ordered by the Montgomery County, MD
fire marshal not to ever operate any cooking appliances in
Montgomery County again.
It all started several years ago when my first wife and I
started living together right before we were married... It was
our 1 year
anniversary of our first date and she had to work late and I
wanted to do something special for her... so I decided to cook
her
dinner... I went shopping, got all the ingredients and set out to
cook a dinner of spaghetti, chicken breast, baked potatoes,
broccoli and french bread...
I figured.... how hard could it be... the instructions are on
the boxes and I can read... so I set out to make dinner...being a
logical kind of guy... I wrote out each dish and the time it
would take to cook and the tempature that it needed to be cooked
at
and where on the stove it got cooked... be it the oven,
microwave, or the burners...
Well lets just say that the spaghetti was over cooked, the
chicken under cooked, the broccoli was raw, the bread was burnt
and the potatoes were hard as rocks.... well my wife seeing how I
went to all the trouble to do this did the most stupid thing
possible... she tried to eat it.
Needless to say... 20 minutes after that last bite we were on
our way to the emergency room via the Germantown Volunteer
Rescue Squad... well she was riding with them... I drove
myself... I was feeling fine.... she was throwing up...had awful
stomach
pains and thought she was dying... I knew she wasn’t going
to die but that didn’t stop her from calling her mother and
having
her whole family meet us at the hospital... well the Doc’s
gave her medicine for her stomach and the paramedics finally
stopped
laughing and left.... then her family drove back to our place so
they could lecture me on why not to kill their daughter... like I
really tried... well that was strike one...
Strike two happened about a year later... we had moved into my
condo as man and wife by this time and for some reason the
poisoning episode had slipped her mind... I was home alone and
she called and asked if I would preheat the oven to 350
degrees and take a roast out of the fridge for her to cook when
she got home... She said she would be home in 20 minutes but
that just wasn’t soon enough I guess...
I did as I was told... I pulled the roast out of the fridge
and set it on the counter and then following her directions to
the letter I
turned on the oven and spun the little dial to 350 and went back
to watch TV... well 15 minutes later I smelled something awful
and about the time I got up to check the smoke alarms started
going off... well I ran to the kitchen to find smoke bellowing
out
of the oven and I could see flames pressing against front glass
of the oven.
Being the good boy scout that I am... I immediately turned off
the oven and grabbed a fire extinguisher...yes I had one handy...
but only because it reduced my insurance rates. I put out the
fire... It seems that my lovely wife had forgotten to tell me to
take
the pizza box out of the oven... don’t ask me why it was
there... I still don’t know or understand it... any ways...
what I didn’t
do was alert the neighbors that everything was under control...
they felt it was their civic duty to call the fire department. It
was
really pretty funny to see the fire department and my wife arrive
at the condo at the same time... I had just started to open
windows to let the smoke out when in they all came... fire hoses
and axes at the ready and my wife wondering what the hell
was going on.... Well I had to explain to them what had happened
and then one of the firemen remembered us from the
previous year and the food poisoning incident... well needless to
say... the firemen were pissed that they had unrolled all their
hoses for nothing, but they thought it was pretty funny that the
second time I tried to cook I damn near burnt down the house...
Oh what a riot those guys are... any ways.... that brings us to
strike three....
Strike Three... I’m outta there.... Well it started
easily enough... about a month after the horrid pizza box
tragedy... My wife
and I got into one of our many fights and I decided I would fix
my own breakfast... I was up for some sausage and eggs...
figured how hard could that be... well it wasn’t hard... it
was scary.... I was cooking the food on a griddle that I had
bought for
my wife... only I didn’t realize that the paper towel holder
was over the griddle and that grease tends to splatter... well to
make
a long story short... I forgot about not throwing water on a
grease fire and when the paper towels caught fire I panicked and
threw water on them which hit the grease and swoosh... the next
thing I know my whole kitchen is in flames... yes wall paper
does burn.... nice colors too... so I break out the fire
extinguisher... AGAIN... and try to put out the fire... only this
time I was
having more problems... needless to say the firemen got to use
their hoses this time and the insurance company got to buy me a
new kitchen.... but the killer was... the fire marshal was called
in by the fire chief and he ordered me in writing ... which I had
to
sign... that I wouldn’t cook anymore... I think they were
messing with me... but one thing is for sure... I’m not
totally stupid....
I’m not cooking anymore... as long as there is delivery
places... my home will survive!!!!
Hopefully someday... the fire department will know me by some
other name... and not the cooking guy... Yes it is embarrassing
to be out and have firemen come up and say.... Hey I know you...
you're the cooking guy...