OK... you guys are gonna love this one... it has been a while and things seem to have cooled down a little... so I guess it is time to get this story out to you all... besides... I just can't help telling you all my adventures!!!!
Well it seems Ol' Ranger followed his heart and moved from D.C. down to Redneck country... Well I really didn't get completely moved... went down.. stayed in a motel, while I found an apartment and looked for a job... YES!!! of course it was all due to a woman... what else could make me lose my mind???
So anyways.. here I am down in Redneckville and I'm as happy as a pig in shit... when all of a sudden that happiness gets fucked with.... seems people who I thought were at least friendly towards me decided that a happy Ranger wasn't as much fun ... and the next thing I know... I'm pissed... the relationship as far as I was concerned was over and I'm on a big silver freedom bird out of that place... no need to stay there ya know??
So I take off and fly clean across the country just to escape and to do a little consulting work... when low and behold... I start getting paged like a big dog... So after a day or so... I return the pages and it is HER ... the woman I had fallen in love with... the woman that turned me upside down and inside out...well she had been paging me 911 so I ask what the emergency is and she tells me she just told her husband about me... yes I knew she was married before I went down... but I was under the mistaken impression that it was going to end when I got down there.. well I was wrong... damn first time in my life too... yeah right... well he throws a complete hissy fit right there on the phone... grabs the phone and wants to talk to me... I ask him what he wants... and he asks who the hell I am... well what was I going to say??? I gave him my standard... "Your worse nightmare line." ... OK.. I admit it... I just love saying that... and with my voice I can really sound like a great Lucifer... so I'm having fun. And he is so pissed he starts destroying his own house... now I can hear shit getting smashed and the phone gets ripped out of the wall and he is yelling and cussing... and I'm laughing my fool butt off... oh come on... it was funny!!! OK... So I know more than you... well it seems he can't and won't get physical with his wife... so all he can do is throw a fit... there.. now see why it was so funny???
I couldn't figure out why she did this... was pretty stupid
considering I was 3000 miles away on the other coast... and I was
not about to return... but hey... it was Redneckville... So
anyways.. Hubby... which we will call Bubba here.. not so much to
be mean... but because he really looks and sounds like a Bubba..
throws his little fit and wants to meet me and fight me...
hahahaha... he just didn't get it... I WAS 3000 MILES AWAY!!!!!
but he still wants me to drive over and fight him... now I was
raised in a little Redneck town in W.Va... I know that Bubba
ain't gonna talk... and Bubba ain't gonna fight... Bubba is
going to try to shoot my ass.. well Ranger has been shot enough
for one lifetime... one of these days... somebody might get
lucky, so I ain't taking no unnecessary chances.. ya know...
besides... I go down there... He shoots and misses... hell.. I
got to shoot back... and I won't miss... which means I might go
to jail again... and I ain't looking forward to doing jail time
for some woman down in Redneckville... so I just laugh...
Well seems ol' Bubba don't cotton to being laughed at... ( yes that is a Redneck saying) and he enlists the help of Bubba 2 and Bubba 3... we will call them Barney and Floyd... Barney is a detective down on the Redneckville police force... there is like 12 total Barney's down there and yes I do believe Andy makes them carry their bullets in the shirt pocket because they ain't too smart!!!! Then there is Floyd... This guy is an attorney at law... but personally I think he graduated barber school and misspelled Barber on his sign... but he really does look and sound like Floyd the barber from the ol' Andy of Mayberry show... no kidding... I was half drunk one night and talked to this guy for 2 hours... he was trying to pull this lawyer shit on me and I was cracking up... We just kept going around and around... he would try to steer the conversation one way and I'd lead back to another way... oh... and I got to use analogies... now anyone who knows me knows... I just love to use analogies!!! one of my favorite things to do... So I'm sitting in a room, 3000 miles away, having this conversation with Floyd the barber...er.. I mean attorney and he is actually trying to get information from me... I'm having fun... he is threatening me with legal action... I'm threatening him with bigger legal action... he tells me he isn't joking... and I tell him... look... if you are sitting and playing poker with your pals and you have your nice cold PBR sitting there on the table and you draw four aces... are you going to bluff or are you going to raise that pot as high as you can... well Ol' Floyd tells me he would raise the pot... I said... very good... now think real hard hard here Floyd... don't hurt yourself but think real hard... do you seriously think I would raise these stakes if I wasn't holding four aces.. and ol Floyd says to me... I don't know... I don't know you... hahahahahaha... well the stakes were raised... and I was holding all the aces... Rednecks... ya gotta love'em... see how I love analogies???
So anyways... Ol' Bubba and the boys get pissed and decide to try and place some real pressure on me... what they didn't realize until much later, was that Bubba's wife was still feeding me intel on where they were and what they were doing... so I know what they are doing almost as soon as they do... and I'm STILL 3000 miles away... I'm sorry to belabor that point... but it cracks me up and you'll see why soon enough.... so the Bubba's start calling their friends (ie... other law enforcement agencies) to try and locate me and find out where I am... well DUH... like I'm going to tell them... so they start trying to trace my pager and then they start trying to record my calls and all in the hopes I'll tell them... ahhahahaha... so anyways... one afternoon they are sitting around in their T shirts, white socks and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer (HEY!!! That would make a great country song...) trying to figure out how to get me... they must not have had anything better to do...well I figured this out... so I call Bubba and tell him I'll meet him in this little town 60 minutes away at a gas station... that he is to get there and page me and I'll tell him where I am... then I get a hold of Floyd and tell him... to go to a gas station in the other direction and when he gets there to page me and I'll meet him... and then I call Barney and tell him to go to a gas station in another direction and that I'll meet him... well they get together and figure out I'm sending them all in different directions and they want to know why.... So I tell them that I am only going to meet one of them that I am not stupid to meet up with all three of them at the same time... well I guess this made sense to them cause...
They jump into their trucks and bolt out of town... each going into a different direction... now here is where it gets fun... I have Mapquest up on my laptop so I can see where I have sent them... but I have no idea if there are gas stations there or what the phone numbers are.. so I'm just guessing right... so they each get to where they are suppose to be and start paging me... Ol' Barney must have been running the police lights on his truck cause he starts paging me 50 minutes after I hung up... Bubba 1 called me 55 minutes and poor ol' Floyd... it took him 65 minutes... now I'm talking to Bubba's wife during this time and laughing my ass off because she is telling me about them all hauling ass and to be honest... I don't think she was too happy about it... anyways... so I tell Barney that I'm meeting Bubba... then I tell Floyd I'm meeting Bubba and the two of them haul ass to meet up with Bubba... two hours away.... and I tell Bubba that I'm at his house... and I'll be gone in 45 minutes... hahahahhaahha...
OK.. I thought it was funny... now just imagine this... Bubba driving an hour away hoping he is going to be able to kick my ass... Barney doing the same... with Floyd just going a long for the ride I guess... and then they all get there only to start driving back in other directions... See now why I'm laughing so hard... and I'm 3000 miles away!!!! HAHAHAHAH... come on... tell me you ain't rolling here... ya gotta be...
Well this one costs me a little bit... they decide I have had
too much fun at their expense and they start calling in friends
in the GBI... Georgia Bureau of Investigation and other police
districts trying to find me... well the heat is on... I get a
page from the FBI's terrorist unit... I got subpoena's for my
cell phone and pager records going around and these guys ain't
stopping... so Ranger, figuring I've had enough fun with these
idiots flies back to DC... where I can be safe and sound... and
guess what... I'm so safe... I feel I can now tell the story...
sorry Bubba's... you lose!!!! And Bubba's wife... don't worry...
I didn't use your
name... here... see what a nice guy I am ??? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA.
Just in case you are wondering how this all ended... I had my attornies contact the FBI, GBI and the Police Chief of Redneckville and have a conference call. GBI calls Bubba 1 and HER in to talk, Andy (aka the Police chief) calls in Bubba 2, and Bubba 3 goes in as legal counsel for Bubba 1 and wife. Now here we are on this conference call, with everyone wanting my ass when My attorney asks one simple question... who filed the origional complaint. Well it seems Bubba 2 was doing this all outside of official channels as a favor to Bubba 1. With that established the FBI wanted out and closed it's case. GBI is pissed and want some ass for wasting their time. SHE breaks down and tells the whole story. GBI looks to the Redneckville PD for a complaint and not getting one, puts Redneckville on notice that they are filing a complaint with the States Attornies office in Alabama to recoup lost dollars investigating this whole mess. Now Andy ain't too happy with all this heat on his department, so he fires Bubba 2 and threatens Bubba 1 and wife with jail if they are involved in anything like this again... So there ya have it... the story still brings tears to my eyes... tears of hard laughter....