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SEXUAL

MORALITY

study for married young couples and older ones

Think, read and inform yourself

what it is, a safe sexual and happy live!  

With permission taken from the Dutch and Belgium Magazine “Tijdschrift”

FIRST INDIA EDITION

Promoted by the Dutch foundation, June 2001:

"ADULLAM" in co-operation with the

NUR UL ALAM MINISTRY INDIA

  .For more information in India:

NUR UL ALAM MINISTRY P.O.BOX 15. MANJERI - 676121   KERALA. INDIA,

  E-mail: [email protected] WEB. www.namindia.org  /  www.bibleforu.com

  TEL. 00+91+493+767145 FAX. 00+91+493+766530

  For information in the Netherlands: [email protected]

  All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced without permission publishers  

INTRODUCTION

 

“And the angel said to her: ´Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb, and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus ..´ And Mary said to the angel: ´How can this be, since I am a virgin?´” (Luke 1:26-27, 30-31, 33-34 NASB).

  No body benefits from a cover-up operation about sexual immorality. But the lack of good information about this subject is often the reason that young married couples will going wrong. This book, prepared by specialists with a lot of experiences with youth ans married couples, will may be a help for those who have questions about emotional and erotic problems in their marriage and education their children. Many people, young and older, suffer secretly because they have not enough information about sexual morality. This will often give a lot of problems in family life within all kind of religions. It will give disharmony and failures in the relationship between young people. The above verses from the Bible is taken from the calendar “The Lord is near” 2001. An unknown commentator in this calendar wrote by the day of June 22: “Mary provides an excellent example for couples who are in love or engaged to be married.

  Mary was a teenager who had high moral standards and enjoyed a close relationship with God. She never could have been chosen as the mother of the Messiah if she had been influenced by the thinking that characterizes the world today and that even influences many Christians, namely, that premarital sexual relations are proper if the couple love each other. God honoured Mary´s purity and will honour all who remain virgin before marriage, helping them to achieve truly happy marriages. Premature intimacy short-circuits the development of a real spiritual relationship:

  1. The physical and emotional excitement will cause the couple to lose interest in spiritual matters;

  2. It produces a closeness that without a spiritual unity may fade away leaving little else of real meaning;

  3. It can create a distrust that will tend to interfere with the development of real intimacy after marriage and;

  4. Since they are not pleasing God, they cannot grow closer to Him.

  God will bless those couples who use dating and engagement periods for the development of spiritual and emotional unity and who save physical intimacy for marriage. Once married, they will have not only spiritual intimacy, but a truly joyous physical relationship as well.” (Written by an unknown commentator in the calender “The Lord is near”, June 22, 2001).

  Those who are looking for practical help, will find in this little book a lot of information from a Biblical back­ground. Publications about this subject in a Biblical and clear, pure way, will prevent our youth for failures and misunderstandings in their relationship and will be a big help in their faith in a holy and loving God.

In our other brochure, special for the unmarried youth with problems and questions about  the subject “Love, dating and marriage”, we give answers about this matters. Some answers are taken from the lessons of the well known American “Mailbox Club”. The complete mail­box lessons are available by The Mailbox Club Bookstore, 404 Eager Road, Valdosta, GA 31602-1399.

  May our God bless this book.

C.B. Beekhuizen and Abdul Hakkeem,

publishers for India

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to Your Word. I seek You with all my heart, do not let me stray from Your commands. I have hidden Your Word in my heart, that I might not sin against You” Psalm 119:9-11).

CHAPTER 1

THE SIN OF ADAM AND EVE

Rob Hondsmerk

Director Children care centre “Chris” Holland

“I wish Adam and Eve hadn’t been so foolish"

  Sometimes grown-ups are under the impression that there is a good deal of information that children are still unable to understand or cope with. Also with regard to Biblical information and its relevance to our daily lives, we often think that children cannot handle or understand the information, or that they are not up to it yet. Until a situation arises which belies our thoughts. That is, if we keep our eyes and ears open and have the willingness to openly observe children and listen to them.

  A while ago I was in my car with one of my daughters. She is seven years old. She told me everything about school and her schoolmates. At one time she was telling me about a little boy in her class. His parents were divorced. "It is not nice for him at all, daddy; he lives with his mother during the week and with his father in the weekends. He doesn’t like it a bit. He is very sad about it." Silence. I kept quiet; would anything that I could say make any sense? She thought for a moment and then added a significant remark: “I wish Adam and Eve hadn’t been so foolish." I kept quiet again. What logic, what thinking! Doesn't a child sometimes have a deeper understanding of God’s thoughts about certain matters that we have grown accustomed to?

  About divorces

  Studies have revealed that 60% of the Dutch population considers it normal that one out of three marriages ends in a divorce within 7 years. Unfortunately, Christians are no exception. In view of people's acceptance of this problem area it does not seem to matter much that, on a per-annum basis, some 40,000 minors are involved (in The Netherlands). Soowner or later about 60% of these children will have to deal with mental problems which then appear to be related to the divorce of their parents. And what about the con­sequences in starting relationships when they have grown up? The consequen­ces are so huge, and yet we accept the situation as an accom­plished fact.

  Where is the limit of our acceptation, when will it be enough? Am I old-fashioned, have I been overtaken by the course of events? Am I fighting a rearguard action when I refuse to accept what others have accepted a long time ago? I look at these children and the consequences in their lives. And, like my daughter, I realize the devastating power of sin at this point. It appears to affect children when their friends’ parents get divorced. And children make the factual connections that adults have given up long ago.

  The fact that we have grown accustomed to things does not mean that these things are normal. Children are the ones that are affected by the enormous amount of consequences resulting from divorce. They see it happen in the lives of their classmates and they compare with their own situation. They ask their own parents: "Are you getting divorced too?” And what answers do we give them? Can we reassure them or must we seek refuge in an empty, half-hearted answer, saying that we hope it won’t happen? Is their parents' marriage a stable factor in their lives, offering them safety and security? Or will they live in a constant fear of their parents getting divorced?

  After all, even in their lives, they see it happen all the time. It more and more seems to get a com­mon fact-of-life matter and the official arrangements are made easier and easier. And the congregation of Christ? What does she intend to do with that knowledge? “That is how it is; it’s better this way; fortunately they have made proper arrangements for the children by mutual consent.“

  These are the comments that we often hear. The other day I read about a proposal that people should be given the possibility to have their divorce solemnized in church so as to lessen the trauma for the ex-partners. And what about the children? Would they be given the honour to act as witnesses? The church is responsible for the children in their midst, including the children who have been in­volved in a divorce-problem. In what way has this been arranged in your church? Will there be adults

who extend care to these children when their parents separate? Or do we require other children to draw our attention to the need and sorrow of their friends? Since Adam and Eve have actually been so foolish, this confronts each of us with a responsibility!

 

CHAPTER 2

SEXUALITY, ROMANCE

AND

SPIRITUAL LIFE IN A MARRIAGE

Jef De Vriese

Psychologist and director

Centrum for pastoral counselling Europe

  The Hollywood sex-syndrome and commotion

  The media do not provide much help. What Hollywood-sex wants us to believe usually does not match reality. Film and advertising stimulate the imagi­nation, but they leave more emptiness retrospectively than the emotionality has been able to fill. The desire for more is aroused. Lust is on the move. Enough is no longer enough. Commotion all over.

  Let’s be honest. There is also commotion in a Christian marriage. Life in this broken creation has its marvellous high points, but it also bears de scars of perishableness. Fine romance at this earth is still interwoven with imperfection. Close together, and yet separated. Safe security, and yet unprotected. Joyful surrender, and yet afraid. In pastoral care one encounters this mix when people talk about their sexuality. On this earth, it will never be perfect. But with God, life can be wonderful.

  A secret

  Sex oriented on satisfaction of the individual’s sexual needs only does not provide the key to the secret. The mystery of marriage, where mutual surrender displays an image of the love of Christ towards the community of God, is the key to a perception of sexuality where a feast is cele­brated in solidarity and unity. Achieving that is a process of growth. Sometimes the motives are not very pure. Sometimes people are using each other. Sometimes one partner attempts to tie the other to himself or herself out of fear of losing the partner.

Sometimes people exercise power and control over one another. Sometimes it is a matter of perfor­mance pressure. Sometimes it is refuge from loneliness and a desire to fill inner emptiness. Sometimes it is under force of will. Sometimes it is just sex for the sake of sex. And there are many other motives that thwart the mystery. However, sex within a Christian marriage can be delightfully cleansed and purified and penetrate into the essence of God's intentions for life: a reflection of His glory in intimate unity.

  Is sex a matter of spirituality, then? Devout words for a common physical urge? This may sound super-pious, but godliness is profitable unto all things (1 Tim. 4:8). This also applies to sex. Could anything different be the case than that the perception of unity, the desire of which has been founded in the order of creation, has to do with the Creator and His intention for marriage between man and woman? Enjoying life, the core of which is the unity with God and with the partner, is given a special signification within the romance of mar­riage. Two individuals are given the opportunity to jointly experience all aspects of their existence.

  Does this line of thinking lead us into the field of philosophy? Definitely. Sex does relate to a philosophy of life. Or rather: a philosophy of life determines the tenor and quality of sex. Sex is not a self-contained cause, separated from other things. Sex reflects the other aspects of a relationship. And vice versa. All aspects are interrelated and jointly constitute the relationship.

  Talking about sex and romance also encom­passes talking about who you are, about how you relate to each other and about the elements that you value or miss in your unity. It also encompasses praying and being thank­ful, involving God in all things. Sex may be - and should be - just as spiritual as reading the Bible, taking a walk in the woods with your children, or a day’s hard work. Living with God applies to sex as it does to other elements of life. It is part of the triple string between a man, a woman and God.

  Affected

  Sometimes that string is rather frayed. The strength of it may be badly affected. On the other hand, God's rope never breaks; in respect of romance and sex, your rope may be a slack thread. You may have a history in which abuse has been committed. In that case you may perceive this article as nonsense, or as an unachievable or possibly even undesirable idealization.

  You may be a person who doesn’t like to be touched. Or perhaps you are frequently not in the mood for love­making. You may be someone who is suspicious as a result of negative experiences and consequently contact-restrained. Perhaps you have a physical handicap, which has consequences in respect of the perception of sexuality. Or do you have to make a move to forgive each other and make a fresh start? Any personal weakness may be filled in here. Isn’t it obvious that you need God to overcome this or to learn how to deal with fruitlessness in your life? God is eager to be part of this, in enjoyment as well as in sorrow. 

A person may experience the menstruation period as an obstacle. Quite understandable. From a hygienic point of view it is not very comfortable. Some­times the perception of a woman is turned upside down by hormonal changes. Accept this, for yourself as well as for your partner. A week of sexual abstinence may be an obstacle, but also a blessing. It may be a welcome resting point.

  Life isn’t all about sex. Pay attention to other things for a while. And after that you can come together again. That is something to look forward to.

This chapter does not go into problems related to sexuality perception; it restricts itself to providing some ideas that may help a couple to search for romance.

  Safe sincerity

  Sex requires openness. Someone who gives inti­macy assumes a vulnerable position. A vulnerable person needs protection. Consequently, close friend­ship is an essential element of marriage. Your marriage partner should be your best friend. You share life’s joys and sorrows. Sex is the dessert in a meaningful friendly relationship within a marriage full of love. 

Sex in a constrained atmosphere is not a unity. A person can force the partner to having sex, but feelings will withstand constraint. This would even reinforce the separation. Compulsion bears bitter fruits. Only free surrender will be wholesome. This surrender may be a deliberate choice.

  Obedience inspired by the will, to put one's body at the partner's disposal is an expression of love. It may be less sensational than one would wish, but it may be a step in the right direction. Someone's desire to devotedly serve God may lead to the consequence of sometimes doing things against one’s own feelings. That has nothing to do with hypocrisy. It is devotion to God's longing and love display.

  Openness in discussing these and other questions has everything to do with walking in the truth (3 John: 34). Avoid general assumptions ("Men are... consequently, my husband is…”) Do not pretend liking something just to please the partner or not to be rejected ("If I make love to him, he will stay with me….”). Try to discover each other's differences and to acquaint yourself with the richness of being different in perception. It is good to fre­quently talk about making love. Talking during lovemaking is possible, but lengthy debates should be avoided, because intensive talking reduces the feelings of titillation.

  An offensive or defensive attitude?

  How far can you both go when it comes to safety? ­Can you share one another's thoughts and emotions without assuming an offensive or defensive attitude? And how about the same question in the sexual area? Suppose that one of a couple performs an unexpected action or refrains from doing what is expected. Do you talk about that? What do you like? What do you dislike? De­scribe your feelings and the effects of physical touches to your partner.

  Where do you like being caressed? Do you like massage? Can you be patient and wait for the part­ner to 'warm up'? Would you prefer being active or passive? Will you allow the partner the room required if he or she is not ready for some sexual activity, and perhaps never will be? Can the partner be and feel what he or she is, and do both partners respect the other's individuality, also in the perception of sexuality?

  Unity in variety

  Man and woman are rather different. For men especially, sex is usually a clearly defined area. In order to perform well sexually, it is not necessary that all goes well in other areas of life. In many cases, a good sexual experience has a positive effect on his well-being and his involvement in the relation as a whole. For a woman, however, it is usually the other way around. To her, it is essential that she experiences well-being in the total of the relationship and, that being accomplished, she will be to give herself sexually and feel comfortable about it.[1]

  Sexual desire is generated quickly in a man. A man is like an electric lamp: switch on, switch off. A woman is like an electric iron: warming up slowly, a longer period of cooling off. The decision to make love is usually made more consciously by a woman than by a man. To her, sex is a built-in part of the total construction of a relationship, and she prepares herself with more consciousness. Sexual stimulation can occur to a man almost instantly, depending on the nature of sexual stimuli that approach him.

  Being subjected to sexual stimulation, a man usually wants to go to the climax of the orgasm. This is not necessarily so for a woman. She can also enjoy the tender closeness of her husband, without coming to the climax herself. The richness of this diversity is that they can both exercise an important influence on the possibly lacking personality elements in the partner. They comple­ment each other, en­abling them­selves as a couple to function better.

  Do you both accept this from one another? Are you, as a husband, willing to invest in the romantic love that your wife needs, so that she can be emotionally filled in her day-to-day association with you? Do you realize that she is sensitive to your affection and kindness? Do you see that affection communicates protection, respect and care? As a wife, are you wil­ling to invest in the sexual needs of your husband? Do you choose to give him love in that way? Do you realize that life fulfilment in this area also helps him to function better in other areas?

  Mutual affection to fulfill each other's needs, inspired by the love poured out in your heart by God; this is the climate where the sexual act contri­butes to unity of soul, spirit and body.

  Always different

  Relations change. When you are young, you are unruly. You know each other to a limited extent. Having sexual intercourse is usually no problem. However, communicating between one another with intimacy, care and affection is much harder. A child may be born even before the mar­riage partners feel comfortable with each other. Make sure that it is not the children who play a central role in your marriage, but your partner.

“I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (Song of songs 8:4).

  When your children are long gone, the two of you will still be together. You must continuously adjust to one another, deal with time pressure and stress, repair a ruined time schedule, endure your own and your partner's tiredness. All these things are not very helpful to achieve pleasureful romance enjoy­ment. And at a later stage, the first signs of ageing will appear and slow down your sexual reactions. That is inescapable. The different stages of life require constant adjustment.

  Sometimes a fast adaptation is required. Being tired has a negative effect on the sexual perception. You experience sex differently depending on what time of the day it is. Some­times you just want to be together quietly and enjoy in relaxation. Sometimes you are ex­cited. Sometimes you want a quick result. Sometimes you stall as long as possible. Sometimes you are not in the mood at all. And sometimes you deliberately abstain from sex in order to pray (compare 1 Cor. 7). Some­times a person is too ill to have any room for sex. There are moments to make an extensive job of making love. And there are moments when you have to rearrange your priorities. There are days when you had not expected any­thing, but the day ends in delightful petting. There are days when you have eagerly looked forward to it, but the orgasm won’t succeed.

  All of this is possible. Love is not always expressed in the same manner and in a relationship you are not continuously doing the same things. It is probably a good sign that the perception can be so volatile. Rusted patterns and predictable rituals are not exactly exciting to look forward to.

Try out new ways

  Sexuality should be allowed to follow the mood of the day. Wait and see what comes. But it can also influence that mood. Pay attention to variation for once. Can you experiment in your caresses? Take a discovery expedition into your partner's physical perceptions. Try out a different position once in a while. If the children are out of the way, it doesn’t necessarily have to take place in bed. You might start with a romantic diner, dressed in romantic clothes. Do you take flowers home? A bit of music to support the mood may be a good support. Have you tried subdued light or candle lights? Or do you feel that all of this is overdone? Have you ever had an indul­gement weekend together? (Find a baby­sitter for the children! You can also simply stay at home: door locked, no telephone, just the two of you in this world…) How can you grow and deepen your relationship in passion and tender­ness?

  Showing affection

  There is not always time for extensive lovemaking, but small attentions do a lot to create an intimate atmosphere. Longing for each other is built up in your thoughts. In the morning you can make an appointment for the evening. A sweet word during the day may work miracles. An embrace or a kiss without any sexual motive attributes to well-being. Do you put a nice little note into his sandwich box? Do you call her for a moment during lunchtime, just to hear her voice? Can you still play the fool just like you did during the early days of your marriage? Do you hold each other's hand while watching television?

  These little everyday things make a perfect foundation for intimacy in bed. However it doesn’t always have to end in sex! You don’t give affection as an investment to be returned in sex. Affection should colour a marriage, with or without sex. Also, self-control is a necessity when you are married. Occasionally sex passes by as a surprising experience. It is up to the two of you to determine what the best frequency of 'occasionally' is.

  Hygiene

  Hygiene and the absence of smells are important. When you are sweaty, take a shower first. Is there a deodorant that your partner likes? Don’t be afraid to raise this matter with your partner. When your partner raises the subject with you, do not feel offended. Take as a starting point that sexual intimacy de­mands an effort from both partners to welcome each other in a pleasant atmos­phere. That being so, you will cer­tainly want your physical and cosmetic condition to be speck­less!

  Experience The Song of Songs

  Have you ever tried reading a chapter of the Song of Songs together and having yourselves inspired by the desire ex­pressed there? The sexual images displayed in the Canticles are very strong, but the Bible also places them in the right perspective: a strong desire, restricted to the institution of marriage, and symbolizing the love of God. This cannot always be said of other literature or so-called art. Especially erotic images penetrate the mind in a way that seriously affects the intimacy be­tween two married individuals. Erotic films contaminate the mind's imagi­nation with visual reference material, whilst your partner should be the one and only for you. Such films have not been produced to the purpose of adding to the glory of God, but - con­trarily - to stimulate lust in its most vulgar figure. The test following is simple: When ma-king love in the aware­ness of God’s presence, do you continue what you were doing or do you rather want to repress the presence of God?

  Test the things that you do, view and read to influence your sex perception against the touchstone of the purity dis­played in the Song of Songs. One can also momentarily pray or say grace in silence while making love. These moments deepen the secret of unity that God feeds.

Assignment

  This chapter is intended to serve as a conversation starter. Sit directly opposite one another and hold each other's hands. Look each other in the eyes and discuss your reactions to this chapter together.

1.        What have you learned?

3.        Do the differences between man and woman apply to your relationship?

4.        Do you satisfy each other's affection re­quirements? Do not accentuate what you think you receive short, but formulate a positive question and present this to your partner. (Example: I would like you to say: “I love you” every day, or just to give me a hug without wanting sex immediately).

7.     What do Col.3:17 and 1 Cor.10:31 have to do with sex?

  8.     Screen this article paragraph by paragraph and discuss such remarks or questions as you consider important.

CHAPTER 3

OMNIPRESENT OBSCURITY?

  Rob Baarse

Coordinator Youth Care Work “Chris” Holland

About information and relationship

guidance to young people

  The notion that marriage is of no social value and that therefore many Christian youngsters live together instead of getting married may partly be our own fault. Christian parents and youth workers don’t know what is happening to them and they fail to find answers leading towards solutions to the problem area around relationship and sexuality. Vagueness and obscurity everywhere?

  The social education that is presented to young people has very little bearing to what God really intended with sexuality. The problem is that most of the information that children get is deceptive and potentially harmful. Youth workers and counselors frequently need to consult guidebooks because they are confronted with questions concerning sexual activities that they have never heard of. Youngsters' views on sex have become more liberal even in the past five years, as has been established by a study among students in The Netherlands and Belgium. According to this study, about 5% of the 7,000 young people being questioned hold the opinion that having plans to get married is not enough reason to have sexual intercourse. Plans to get married is a proper motivation to 95 %. 87% approves of couples having sex when they are going steady. 76 % of the questioned students find it acceptable to have sex when there is a situation of liking each other but not going steady. In a sharp contrast, 5% of the Dutch young people hold the opinion that sexual intercourse should be restricted by the boundaries of marriage.[2]

  After young people have experienced sexual intercourse, they sleep with more different people than five years ago. It isn’t quite clear how this increase of sexual activity can be explained. However, the conclusion may be drawn that providing information about the risks of sex has not led to a decrease of the number of bed mates among students. Even many members of Christian youth groups who visit presentations of a 'Save Sex' preven­tion project in Europe or an other continent appear to have familiarized themselves with this liberal line of thinking. Chris­tian youngsters have a way of going about with sexuality in a vague and irresponsible manner.

Incorrect information

  Much of the Christian sex education displays one-sided rules and, as a result, it provides very few opinion-forming ideas. Of course, it would be ideal if the information were opinion-constructive and stimulating. This, however, requires a lot of understanding and know­ledge of the ever-changing culture of youth. About ten years ago, every member of a school class was excited about a pornographic magazine being sneakily passed underneath the school desks. Nowadays the youth magazines circulate in all openness. In these magazines, the readers' correspondence columns openly answer and discuss questions about bizarre sexual acts. The incorrect idea that a condom will suffice to provide 'safe sex' is a licence to experiment.

  At the same time, Christian sex education is unclear and some­times even false. Over 25% of Christian youth have not been informed by their parents on the field of sexuality.

  At any rate, they indicate that they have not been given sex education. Perhaps their parents did give them sexual education, but only vague. Young people who did receive sexual education are frequently con­fronted with the false and dangerous thesis: "Having sex with each other means that you are married in the eyes of God , so be careful… You might find yourself married to somebody and you will be stuck with him or her."

  What is sexuality actually?

  Talking about 'sex before marriage' is confusing. Do we refer to the act of sexual intercourse when we speak about 'sex before marriage' or is it 'satisfying each other'? Do kissing and caressing also constitute parts of sexuality or is there another definition covering these words?

  Before bringing up the discussion concerning sexuality, the definition of the concept will have to be determined.

Sexuality is the fact of the sexual differences between man and woman combined with the conse­quent forms of perception. Beginning with the physical/emotional approach and achieving a climax in the coitus.

  Sexual feelings are already present in 'being in love'. The expression sexuality already indicates that a male and a female person both have a different perception. After all, they have been created differently.

  Starting from this difference they can grow towards each other during a period that we call 'going steady' and 'engagement'. In other cul­tures, different expressions are being used. The perception, the 'butterfly feelings', walking hand in hand and sexual intercourse are all part of the expression 'sexuality'. Therefore, the education will have to be more specific than just 'no sex before mar­riage'.

    Starting a relationship

  The formation of a love relationship begins with the sexual feeling. However, merely 'being in love' does not constitute a relationship. A relationship demands a decision and an agreement. Many people consider 'going steady' an unbiblical phenomenon. They consider it abnormal that a boy and a girl get to know each other better. We know that some cultures have other opinions, however, the Bible gives room to forming a relation.

  Gen. 2:18, 21-24

  “And the Lord God said, [It] [is] not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him…And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; and the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

  Whenever the word 'therefore' is used, there must have been a question 'why'. Why should a boy leave his father and his mother and why does he 'cleave unto' a girl? And why do they become 'one flesh'? They become one flesh because God created a boy to His image. The girl, too, has been created to His image. It is God's intention that man and woman become one flesh. That is why He took a rib out of Adam's chest and created a woman. Two human beings have been created out of one flesh. Equal, but yet unequal. That is why boys leave their parental home to be faithful to a girl in a relationship, thus fulfilling Gods intention: to become one flesh, physically, men­tally and emotionally.

  Going steady is the agreement between a boy and a girl who have decided to test whether or not they want to share their lives. Sexuality is 'part of the deal'. Their orientation towards one another will generate intimacy. Before this moment arrives they need to have learned to make feelings and perceptions around sexuality debatable. However, really talking about deeper feelings and sexuality is not an easy thing to do. It is a subject that embraces very strong feelings. In the early stages of a relationship a boy cannot easily step forward to his girlfriend and say: "Let’s talk about sex sometime, shall we?"

  And yet, the subject has to be made debatable. Discus­sing the subject in a commonplace manner is not the difficulty. Most of the young people do this with persons they trust. The difficult part is to learn to talk about this subject in an intimate manner, so that on the one hand they get to know each other better on this score, while on the other hand they learn to set their limits together. It is important for young couples to be given full attention by their parents and the persons who have a responsibility in their congregation. A good approach is to make the subject a topic of discussion in their youth club or Bible study group. When young­sters realize that is normal to talk about sexuality, they will more easily learn to do this in a 'steady' relationship.

  Limits?

  Young people struggle with the question how far they can actually go in the field of sexuality in a steady relationship. The fact that they think about this is a good issue in itself. The answers that adults offer them are not always very practical. "The Bible does not dictate any limits, but it only gives a few examples", is a frequently heard consideration.

Sometimes the history of Mary and Joseph is drag­ged into the discussion. Also the term 'become one flesh' from Gen. 2:24 is a well-known topic in wed­ding ceremonies. To be honest, these are not the most practical answers to the question how far young people can go. Both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible hold clear messages with regard to sexual intercourse and marriage.

  Deuteronomy 22:28,29

  “If a man find a damsel [that] [is] a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty [shekels] of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath hum­bled her, he may not put her away all his days."

  “A fool find pleasure in evil conduct, but a man of understanding delights in wisdom. A perverse tongue will be cut out and the mouth of the wicked only what is perverse, but the lips of the righteous know what is fitting” (Proverbs 10:23, 31,32).

The possible legal bond of being registered for marriage in the context of Deuteronomy 22 makes a difference in the consequences: punishment or marriage. The consequence of dishonouring the woman is that a marriage (legal base for a relationship) has to follow.

  Hebrew 13:4

  "Marriage [is] honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whore­mongers and adulterers God will judge."

  The institution of marriage deserves respect from both mar­ried and unmarried people. This is clearly expres­sed by the words whore­monger and adul­terer. In English, the translation whore­monger stands for immoral sexuality (illegal acts) of unmarried people. Adul­terer is associated with immoral illegal sexual acts of married people. The ultimate boundary is obvious. In a relationship of 'going steady' or engagement (a relationship without a legal status) sexual intercourse is explicitly 'over the edge'. This, of course, does not mean that every sex-related activity barring the actual coitus is admissible.

  The ultimate boun­dary set by 'no sexual inter­course' has a distinct, unambiguous meaning. In the first place, it protects a girl against un­wanted pregnancy. It is dishonourable and abso­lutely awkward for a girl to get pregnant at a young age, either with or without a 'steady' relationship. Secondly, sexual intercourse forges an emo­tional bond between a boy and a girl.

  Pregnant by hand touching?

  It should be known that girls can also get pregnant by sperm or vagina fluid accidentally entering the vagina through the hands. Many young people draw the line at 'satisfying one another'. One of the protective objectives of the limits indi­cated by the Lord God is to protect the girl from an unwanted and extramarital pregnancy. When partners satisfy each other within a steady relationship, both will get used to it. Should the relationship terminate, then both will have been sexually active. This may lead to sexual control problems. Especially if a new relationship is formed with a person who has not been sexually active previously.

  The limit indication 'sexual intercourse' is indistinct and distinct at the same time. Indistinct, because it does not indicate how far one can go. But the expression 'too far' is an obvious and distinct factu­ality. Because sexuality is not an individual perception, it is recommendable for partners to come to mutual agreement about where their limits lie. The principle 'the bottom limit counts' is a good setting.

   Case study: Mark and Marijke

  Mark (18) and Marijke (17) are members of your congregation. Mark has become a Christian two years ago. Marijke has been going to church all her life. When Mark became a Christian, he had a relationship with another girl. This was terminated after a year and a half. At this moment, six months later, Mark and Marijke are going steady. Marijke had never experienced courtship before. She has done a lot of thinking whether or not she wanted a steady relationship with Mark. After a while she made a decision to go ahead.

  With regard to sexuality, Mark is more expe­rienced than Marijke. When she indicates the limit 'just kissing', Mark will have to accept that. However, a conversation about the perception of sexuality will not end there. At some point of time, Mark will want to go further, and Marijke likewise. If in their conversations they stick to the set limit of 'just kissing' while in actual practice they cross this boundary, they will soon reach the utter limit: 'close to intercourse'. In pastoral ministry, it sometimes seems that young people want to approach the limit 'sexual intercourse' as closely as possible, whereas with regard to other behaviour limits indicated in the Bible they tend to keep a safer distance. The criteria applied in respect of maintaining distance from sexual intercourse and other subject limits often appears to be discrepant. 

When shopping, Mark will do his best to make sure to be honest. In his life he feels very strongly about 'Thou shalt not steal'. Yesterday, he accidentally forgot to pay for a bottle of soft­drink. The bottle was underneath his shopping bag in his shopping cart. He noticed the bottle when he walked out of the door of the shop.

  Without hesitation he ran back to the cashier holding the bottle high above his head, to pay what was due. "Imagine", he thought, "somebody might think that I am a thief." Mark did not steal. But in his feelings he had nearly approached the limit of 'Thou shalt not steal'. He did all he could to show everybody and God that he did not even want to come anywhere near that limit. He doesn’t want anybody around to have even the slightest shadow of doubt about his honesty.

  What 'legal' difference is there between one God-given boundary limit and the other? None! When Marijke and Mark have agreed to a limit in respect of sexuality, they have to be pure to one another and pure in their relation to God. Sexuality has been created by the Lord God and, as a consequence, it is fundamentally good. However, young people must learn to deal with it in the right way. They must learn what sexuality implies with regard to themselves and to others at emo­tional and physical areas.  If the limit has been properly set, then the utter limit, sexual intercourse, will not be crossed, even if a mistake is made.

  But there has to be room for a normal emotional and physical development within a relationship. Setting an utter limit of 'no kissing allowed' would be unreal. The limit 'don’t go too far' is inaccurate. The boundary 'caress without clothes' is beyond limits, because sexual intercourse is only one step ahead. Out of uncontrollable desire one tends to give in. Mark and Marijke have agreed to keep their clothes on. But they have also agreed not to touch each other's genitals. Because in the summer, of course, they wear less clothes than in the winter.

  Having had sex means being married?

  It is frequently enunciated from the pulpit: "When you have slept together, you are married in the eyes of God." The theological setup of this theory is ghastly interesting. With an almost unbreakable, inaccurate and incorrect formula the foundation is laid for the reason why so many young Christians choose to live together rather than getting officially married.

  The setup of the argument:

  Thesis: When you sleep with a prostitute, you and the prostitute are one flesh (1 Cor 6:16).

  Conclusion:  When you sleep with someone without being married, you are one flesh with this person.

  Thesis: A man shall leave his father and his mother, to cleave unto a woman with the purpose to be one flesh. (Gen 2:24)

Conclusion: When you cleave to somebody, you are com­mitted to this person in the eyes of God after you have had sexual intercourse.

  Thesis: What God has joined together, man shall not separate.

  General conclusion: When you have had sexual intercourse with a person, you are married to that person in the eyes of God.

  Consequence in a cultural context:

  When you are married in the eyes of God, why should you still go to the official authorities? Why not ask the congregation to consecrate your relationship? And, for that matter, you can also consecrate your relationship to the Lord your­selves as a couple together, can't you?... 

Many young people do set the right limits, but in the heat of the battle they still cross God's boundaries. They choose to stay together. It is 'love' and 'the law of Jesus' that bonds them and 'in the eyes of God they are married'. There are even covenant theories that make a connection between the blood-covenant and the defloration of a girl. This theory makes sexual intercourse the starting-point of the covenant. But such argumentation is based on a farce.

  When young people have slept together during a steady relationship, it is a matter of sin. Sin is fundamentally different from marriage and certainly something else than a covenant. Hebr. 13:4 speaks of judgement as a result of this sin. 1 Cor. 7:1,9 indicates that when you cannot control yourself in the field of sexuality, you are better off getting married.

  Exodus 22:16 and 17

“And if a man entice a maid that is not be­trothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins.”

  It is a logical conclusion that a boy and a girl who have had intercourse, ask each other and the Lord God for forgiveness of the sin that they have com­mitted. It may then be a good idea to consider marriage, because they cannot control themselves.[3] But marriage is a commitment on a civic legal basis. From God's point of view they are not married. [4]

  After all, according to the law the father can still forbid the marriage. However, according to the Scripture the logic consequence of the situation described is to get married. The cause is that they are unable to control them­selves in respect of sexuality (1 Cor. 7:9). It is better to get married than to fall into sin (illegal sexual acts). Or they must come to proper agreements for the future, so that they can learn to control themselves.

   
Conclusion

  Young people have a right to good informatory education in the light of God's Word, based on His ordinances. Education cannot take place without a thorough understanding of the target group. It is recom­mendable to communicate and converse with young people, so that their cultural orientations are properly understood. They can then be trained to become adults who live to the honour of God in sound relation with others.

    Used Bible verses never as stones to fling to each other!

 

CHAPTER 4

  DOORS TO THE HEART

  Dirk Lemmens

Adviser in the European Centre for Counselling

  Tom and Erna have been married for four years. Because of problems in their sexual relationship they have been in counselling for some time now. Erna longs for more intimacy, but Tom has no need for sexuality. He loves Erna very much and he wants to give her everything to make her happy, but one way or another he hardly experiences any titillation when they are together. He feels very uncomfortable about this, because he realizes that he is hurting his wife’s feelings, but he also doesn’t know what to do about it. During the conversation he indicates that when he has seen an attractive women out in the street or at work, this increases his desire to make love to Erna in the evening. His question is clear: "Is that immoral?"

  Reporting

  We are living in a society where explicit sexual stimuli present themselves everywhere and are also generally accepted. Nobody gives it a thought that this may be abnormal. The sex items are just a fact of life. Calendars with pin-ups hang on the walls in work locations and the counter in a bank office is decorated with holiday greetings relayed by a suntanned woman with naked breasts. Gigantic billboards showing nudity in various grades and forms are staring at us from the streets. Young (and not-so-young) women strive to focus the eye of perfect strangers at their bodies in the streets by wearing excitingly tight jeans and provocative bare-belly sweaters. In newspaper shops and department stores, all sorts of nude-revealing magazines are openly exposed at eye-level.

  With magazines like 'Ché' and 'Menzo' the magazine industry has discovered a gap in the market: The Man Maga­zine. It’s hard to find one cinema movie that does not entail at least one sense-stimulating scene and recently the trend has risen to bring 'real-life' sex into the living room by 'reality TV'. With a single mouse click one can gain access to the most explicit and perverse sexual pictures on the Internet. Who amongst our men would dare to stand up in the congregation and report what his eye has been focussed upon during the past week or month? Who dares to come forward openly to speak of the difficulty of controlling the eye and to tell what he is practically doing about walking in purity? Who has the courage to say: "It gives me great pain, but I have learned to control the lust that lures in my heart?"

  A matter of the heart

  Sexual purity is primarily a matter of the heart and it is more than avoiding adultery. Concerning the behaviour, it is perfectly possible to be a model husband and yet at the same time commit adultery in the heart: “Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart”. (Matthew 5:27,28).

  The disciples had learned that it was important to main­tain the law and, consequently, not to commit adul­tery. The Scribes and Pharisees made the assumption that as long as one had not slept with another person, no adul­tery was committed. They limited adultery to performing the act and thus implicitly taught that all the rest was permitted. Jesus sharply opposed to this and stated that the real meaning of the law embedded far more than having an extramarital sexual relationship. Whoever looks at a woman, undressing her with his eyes, has in his heart already been sleeping with her! Thus it appears quite possible to commit adultery with a woman without even lifting one finger towards her! Adultery is not only a matter of the flesh, but also, and perhaps rather, a matter of the spirit.

  Doors to the heart

  It is not in the first place the temptation that occurs, but foremost the sinful desire of one’s own heart that represents the sensitivity to contamination of the heart: “Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither temp­teth He any man: But every man is temp­ted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death." (James 1:13-15). 

The reason for temptation bringing us to sin is that it has found some or other starting point in our heart, which gives it a grip on us. In the heart, sin is realized by an external temptation uniting with a desire that already exists. This means that sin materializes because of a problem that arises at the level of the heart and therefore should primarily be dealt with at that level. It may not be possible to fully avert lust from our heart, but it is definitely possible to identify and close the doors through which temptation enters our heart: “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy mem­bers should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell.“(Matt. 5:29).

  The eyes

  The eyes make a door to the heart. This means that, though the eyes may determine what we see, it is our heart's desire that makes the choices of what we decide to see. When at a beautiful summer day a husband and wife are walking through a crowded shopping street hand in hand, they both see hundreds of women, but they may individually notice one in particular. To this woman their eye shall be drawn constantly, because one way or another (clothing, looks, way of movement) the look of her nourishes the desire that already exists in their hearts.

To the man this usually means that, although he may not admit it to himself, his observing this woman brings about a sexual stimulus together with the accessory pleasant feeling. Therefore, he will particularly notice those women who match the image that he has of an attractive woman. His wife, on the other hand, will ob­serve other women on the basis of an ideal notion of her own image, compare herself with them and may develop a feeling of jealousy. The reason for our having difficulty to control our eyes is that we are having difficulty to control the lust in our own hearts.

  Let us go back to Tom and Erna for a moment. Why is it that when he has noticed an attractive woman during the day, he is capable to develop sexual excitement towards Erna at night, and that otherwise he is not? Does not the insight that there is a connection between his visual observations during the day and his body's res­ponse at night an indication that there is something wrong? Even though in the evening Tom isn’t specifically thinking about the woman he saw earlier, yet she is the stimulus for his sexual perception in the evening. And yes, that is wrong.

  The ears

  Although the Bible is not specific about this, we may assume that to most women the ear rather than the eye is the door to their hearts. Usually, women show a lesser response to visual stimuli than to what they hear. What a man looks like is less important to a woman, but more important is whether he is gentle and kind – whether he is able to create an atmosphere in which she finds herself accepted and confirmed. Probably the heart of a woman notices the man sooner for what he says than for the way he looks.

  The hands

  “ And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast [it] from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not [that] thy whole body should be cast into hell." (Matt. 5:30).

  The hands can stimulate the heart in many ways. Usually we think about physical touching (caressing, flirting, frolicking), but the hands may also stimu­late lust by stretching out to visual stimuli (magazines, pictures), by handling the television remote control (the remote control makes it perfectly possible to watch three movies at the same time and zap quickly to a nature documentary when somebody enters the room) or to find access to the internet through the keyboard of the computer.

  The feet

  The feet can also get a Christian into trouble in respect of the sins of the heart: “Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast [them] from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.“(Matt. 18:8). After all, our feet bring us to places where our heart encounters affliction or may prove unable to resist temp­tations: the magazine shop, the cinema, the beach…

  A decision

  Of course, this is not about presenting the confidant a list of what can or cannot be seen, heard, touched or visited: that is just what we should learn to avoid, Jesus says. Every individual's sensitivities lie in a different area, and the doors to every individual person's heart will be different as well. What matters is that the confidant is given help to honestly face the fact that there are doors that open his heart to sin, to identify the nature of these doors and then take appropriate (and drastic?) measures to prevent sin from entering his heart. Achie­ving victory starts by making a firm decision: “I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid?" (Job 31:1).

  Many confidants may say that they consider it 'cowardly' to take that escape route, but the Bible is clear about it: "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that commit­teth fornication sinneth against his own body."(1 Cor. 6:18. See also: 1 Thess. 4:3; 2 Tim. 2:2). It is the social worker's duty to guide the confidant in making this decision and to help him materialize it and put it in practice.

    A contract

  It is a good approach when the confidant concludes a contract with his eyes (ears, hands, feet) to deal with not only the sin, but above all the temptation, with God and the social worker as his witnes­ses. Is the confidant prepared to see to it that the sexual stimuli will no longer get to his eyes? Is he prepared to make a radical decision to stay away from those places (beach, magazine shops, cinema) which he knows will get him into trouble? Is he prepared to hand over the remote control or, should this not suffice, to entirely give up watching television? Is he prepared to confess his inter­net sins to his wife, to install a filter and have his wife type the password? And should this still remain unsuccessful, will he be prepared to give up the inter­net facility altogether? Is he prepared to openly talk this over with his coun­sellor and to clearly embody his decision in a contract? Is he prepared to calculate the costs and pay the price for a life in purity?

  Mutilated

  To many people the price will be very high. It will mean that they will have to abolish a number of things from their lives that others can live with, but that they cannot handle themselves. Plucking out the eye and chopping off the hand or foot means that one chooses to live on as if one no longer has an eye, a hand or a foot. The confidant chooses to voluntarily limit his functioning by cutting out certain elements from his life. In this respect he 'mutilates' himself and he must learn to live with the consequent limitations.

However, Jesus is very clear about this. He said in Matt. 18:8,9, " Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast [them] from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire."

CHAPTER 5

  WHAT IS IN YOUR CHILD´S MIND?

  Dirk Lemmens

What's on your child's mind about

marriage and sexuality?

  In the past few years, much has been written and talked about the fast changes in the thoughts (and behaviour) of modern young people in respect of marriage and sexuality. Regularly, shocking statistic research results are published which, though their details contradict each other, all lead to the same conclusion: the situation is alarming![5]

  A selection

  According an interview in The Netherlands and Belgium in the age category of 14_16 years, 14% has slept with a boy/girl friend, in many cases repeatedly. In the 17–18 years category this figure grows to 48%, and in the group of 19_21 years old to 64%! Half of the young people claim that they did 'it' with one partner, 1/3 has slept with 2 to 3 partners and 1/5 with 4 or more. 10 % of the boys do not remember with how many girls they have shared the bed. In the case of un­wanted preg­nancy, 1 out of 5 would choose for an abortion. The average age for 'French' kissing is 12.7. For caressing underneath the clothes the average age lies at 13.8, for naked petting 14.6 and for sexual intercourse 15.1! Only 5% of young people believe in restricting sexual intercourse to matrimony. The question that occupies the mind with regard to all this is to which extent the thinking of youth in the church on this subject is different form the line thinking in the secular world. Are our young­sters capable of translating the words, “But ye have not so learned Christ" (Eph. 4:20) into their every day lives in so far as marriage and sexuality are concerned, or will they stop at the level of some superficial slogans.

  Do parents, leaders of the congregation, teenage group leaders know what their young people believe, or do they ease their minds with the thought, “our young people wouldn’t do that”. Are the moral standards and values of our young people rooted in the Bible, or have they become so post-modern that they segmentize their lives into 'church areas' and 'real world areas'? Does our education affect them where they are, or is it passing them as something that belongs in the church, but that hardly offers any practical tools for their everyday life?

Our interest here is not only pointed to the points of view that our young people take, but in particular to their capacity to root these points of view in God's Word, be it clumsily perhaps. In other words, when our youth displays 'adapted Christian behaviour', do they do this because they believe the Scripture advocates this morality, or only because the older generation has presented these principles without really convincing them?

  A study has been conducted to discover the line of thinking of modern church youth about marriage and sexuality. This study is explicitly not a scientific survey, but rather an opinion poll. Of course it is difficult, if not impossible, to draw conclusions from an interview like this. However, the facts and figures given reveal some trends that deserve our attention. On a number of intrinsic issues it appears that the group of participants divides itself into a popu­lation of about 1/3 who take a view more or less in line with the Bible, whereas 2/3 hold views that could be strongly challenged from a Biblical standpoint.

  On the one hand it is gratifying that even today, in a juvenile culture that has abolished almost any absolute prin­ciples, nearly 1/3 of our young people are prepared and able to stand up for the truth as described in God's Word. From a different stand, we should in no way be satisfied with that, be­cause it also means that 2/3 are not prepared or able to take a clear and explicit Biblical opinion. It is the duty of parents and church leaders and teachers to imprint these principles on the young, both in word and in behaviour model.

  “Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God [is] one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.” (Deut. 6:4_9).

  Loving God involves the entire person, which includes your heart, your soul and your strength. Furthermore, you do not teach with words only, but also by setting examples: what you do with your hand and see with your eyes must give evidence of God's Word. The New Testament calls on us (see e.g. Eph. 4:17_32) to develop into disciples who are able to radically transform the doctrine (theology) into a way of life (the purification of life).

  Knowledge of the Bible (or at least the capacity to connect the daily reality [the purification of life] with what the Bible tells us [theology]) is scarce among our youth, and especially the young teenagers.

  The cause of this may be that they do not have the ready knowledge of the Bible available, or the fact that they are unable to connect principle and practice. What­ever the answer may be, the congregation must pay attention to this in order to preserve these young people for the Lord. The con­gregation will have to learn to break through taboos and give significant Bible-based answers to questions that our young people struggle with in these times. If we do not succeed to do that as congregation, the world in which they live in will confront them with empty and false, but yet convincing answers, at a crucial moment when they are forming their opinions becoming an adult. When we miss our chance as congregation, the only thing we can do afterwards is running after them with a warning finger and the chances of losing them will be far greater than to win them.

  The final result will be serious damage to the lives of our young people, but also to the congregation: "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected know­ledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children”. (Hos. 4:6)

  The oldest category not only seems to have more know­ledge of the Bible, they can also apply (the purification of live) their knowledge (theology) better by taking views that are closer to the Biblical doctrine (theology). On the one hand this can be expected, because they are older and have had more time to gain experience and integrate their knowledge (theology) in their way of life (the purification of live): they have had more time to grow up. And yet we might raise the ques­tion whether the difference is not partly explained by the fact that a number of young people who have not learned to root their way of life in the Bible have, during of just after puberty, abandoned the congregation and perhaps even the Lord.

  Probably, again the answer lies in a combination of tuition and example. After all, young people long for real answers (theology) that can materialize in actual practice (the purification of life). Should this not be possible, then they are, together with us, “of all men most miserable” (1 Cor. 15:19).

   

CHAPTER 6

  ACROSS THE BORDER­LINE

  Jef De Vriese

  How to deal with a complaint of sexual harassment

in pastoral counselling in the congregation

  A person who performs pastoral counselling is con­fronted with the troubles and sins of others, but also with his own needs, desires and limitations. Usually, the counsellor's personal problems remain on the back­ground and he will usually have adequate personal stability to meaningfully contribute to the confidant's growth process. Unfor­tunately, it may also occur in pastoral care situations that a counsellor takes advantage of a confidant in favour of his own needs.

  Although the ethical codes in relief work and Christian ministry forbid sexual contact and sexual insinuations, it may happen that pastoral counsel­lors become sexual abuse delin­quents. In a Christian society this is considered highly unwanted and some­times even impossible. (“We are Christians, aren't we!“) If it still does happen, there is confusion, incomprehension and pain. People who enjoy confidence because of their position and effort, suddenly have to be treated as delinquents by others, a radical change­over in their attitude and thinking towards a pastor. People are overwhelmed with thoughts about the consequences for the pastor, the congregation, the organization, etcetera. The risks are high, and pressure arises in favour of a hush-up operation or a hasty settlement. The victim, put to silence due to the complaint not being taken seriously or as a result of careless treatment, is left out in the cold. But in the long run this approach is to the disadvantage of all con­cerned, including the delinquent and the com­munity. This chapter describes the characteristics of counsellors and possible victims, who run the risk of sexual harassment in pastoral care. After that the admissibility of a complaint is addres­sed, and the procedure that a local congregation may follow to handle such a complaint.

  Vulnerable counsellors

  There are a number of factors that may contribute to an unsound focus on one’s own needs for attention and emo­tional fulfilment, which may degenerate into sexual harassment with the confidant. Responsible pastors may easily find them­selves into a position in which they are expected to have everything under control. They are put on a pedestal or they put themselves in that position. A distance between them and the other members in their Christian community is realized and preserved by their ministry.

  Isolation and loneliness are the results. Counsellors some­times seek emotional closeness in pastoral relations. Pastoral care may also be a replace­ment for normal relationships for people who are afraid of close-range relationships because of their own inner pain, negative experiences from the past (e.g. previously sub­jected to abuse or assault themselves), fear of vulnerabi-lity, et cetera. Combined with the counsellor's position of power this can deteriorate into abusing the confidant for the counsellor's emotional pleasure. The counsellor's identity and life fulfillment have then become subordinate to his pastoral relations. It is also possible that in his pastoral relations he seeks confirmation, which was not given in childhood and cannot be obtained else­where now.

  A pastoral responsibility often shuts the door to normal relationships. A pastoral relationship is not a relation of friendship. In pastoral care people can say and do things different from expressions in a relation of friendship. Pastoral care implies taking a certain distance, which is undesirable in friendship. In pastoral care the accent is on a working relationship, in which - professionally or not, depending on the context - work is carried out in a structured man­ner, whereas in friend­ship the mutual relationship is more important. When friendship changes into pas­toral care, which may often be the case in a local congregation, explicit working appoint­ments must be made and the relationship must be redefined.

  Supervision and involving other people is recommendable in such cases. It is not right that the interests of friend­ship and pastoral care get mixed up. Building up normal relationships may be difficult for someone with a pastoral role. Pastoral care may also be a substitute for isolation. Perhaps a counsellor misses a close relationship with friends, which would contribute to his life fulfillment. The absence of such a relationship can strengthen the need for relational intimacy to such an extent that it may end up in pastoral care in an un­healthy manner: seeking relational closeness in intimate conversations with the confidant, without the counsellor having to give him­self personally. When this is unilaterally aimed at the fulfillment of one's own needs, misuse of power and sexual harassment peek around the corner.

  Work pressure can be a cause of neglecting normal friend­ships. Sacrificing time in favour of the ministry makes investing in friendship more difficult. If furthermore the pastoral counsellor is not under supervision and if there is no inspection by others of what he is doing with his time and the motives he works with, he misses the feedback and correction that he needs and that are active within relations of friend­ship (mostly unstructured) and supervision (structured and pur­poseful).

  Some social workers feel a responsibility towards the con­fidant that doesn’t agree with a professional ap­proach. The purpose of counselling is that the confidant autonomously learns to become dependent of God.

When the social worker constantly plays the role of a lifesaver who fills the needs of the confidant, the confidant becomes dependent of the social worker in an unsound man­ner. This causes unhealthy emotional bonds and unwanted dependency. The confidant will not learn how to live autonomously with God and his own needs in the future and will still be dependent. Quite a few con­fidants speak highly about such a depen­dency. They feel that some­body cares about them. If the social worker is sensitive to such honour and attention from the confidant, he may get carried away in a trap that opens his mind to even more unwanted emotional intimacy and perhaps later on to sexual intimacy.

  When counsellors are married, they need to guard their own marriage and to seek permanent growth and intimacy. Involvement in a pastoral relationship that 'clicks' may create a communi­tivity experience that gene­rates a sense of being en route together in intimate problems of life. A mutual emotional dependency may grow be­tween counsellor and confidant. A pastoral conversation be­comes a moment of recognition, safety, a warm feeling and an emotional excitement in which falling in love can be triggered and cherished. Counsellors who do not have supervisers to whom they have to give account, are in a vulnerable position. Team­work and supervision help the counsellor to regularly examine and correct his pastoral care and attitude.

  Finally, it should be noted that counsellors who allow being touched in pastoral counselling, which always brings along the risk pf sexual connotation, are vulnerable. In the congregation it is wise policy not to counsel confidants of the opposite sex.

Vulnerable confidants

  The fact that somebody comes looking for help with a coun­sellor means that in his or her immediate sur­rounding he or she has no relations that meaningfully accommodates his or her problem to be taken care of in a satisfactory man­ner. Many con­fidants miss people around them who give them the support they need, while the confidants them­selves also struggle with poor relational skills. In their emotional emptiness some are looking for warmth, security, acceptance, com­passion and protection. Possibly traumatic experiences have created a 'bottomless pit' of seeking attention, and the confidant may not have learned how to deal with limitations. Seeking attention (which needn't always be negative) and having poor skills to handle limitations may lead to cross-border functioning in the emotional, spiritual or physical areas. Therefore, attention must be given to the role that previous negative experi­ences have played and it must be surveyed which possibilities the confidant has to fulfill the needs resulting from those experiences in a sound manner.

  These needs, the impotence to create relationships or the absence of a solid social network make confidants sensitive to actions of the social worker that communicate care, protection and security The confidant is in a position of dependency and is receptive to guidance. The social worker enjoys confidence on the strength of his position. The victim doesn’t expect evil, but the counsellor's position of power makes it possible that the confidant is manipulated. Especially if the confidant cannot indicate limits, cannot say No or refuse, and if the counselling-relationship has developed an unhealthy intimacy, the confidant implicitly trusts the counsellor.

  When the confidant ad­mires the pastoral counsellor as a perfect partner, it is possible that a substitute partnership develops. The confidant is more and more exposing his own story and becomes even more vulnerable and subject to manipulation and guidance. It is possible that he gets caught in the con­fidentiality, for nobody, except for the counsellor, is informed. Thus, privacy becomes an isolating rather than a protecting factor. The expression of emo­tion, etc., may then be interpreted as an invitation by the pastoral coun­sellor. The circle is complete: a vulnerable confidant meets a vulnerable counsellor.

  Not everyone who is involved with sexual harassment has to look for the source for some or other need within himself. A delinquent is always responsible for his behavior and will also display cross-border behaviour with confidants who are not necessarily part of the 'vulnerable' category. At any rate, a person who is con­fronted with sexual harassment should have a channel to raise the complaint in the congregation, in such a way that guilt, responsibility and an explanation for the alleged delinquent's behaviour are not immediately sought in the alleged need of a confidant.

A complaint is submitted

  Submitting a complaint is difficult. Victims usually feel guilty themselves. Who will believe them? What are the consequences when more people are informed? Will there be gossiping or stigmatizing? Will this lead to a condemnation by the elders? And who guarantees that the elders can be trusted, considering the fact that the delinquent with his authoritative position and his kindness appeared not to be trustworthy? If the authorities who will have to deal with the case are the delinquent's fellow-elders in the congregation, his colleagues or friends, will there be an honest trial? According to 1 Cor. 6:1_6, a binding verdict must be passed in the con­gregation.

  In this chapter, the concepts of lawful, lawsuit, administration of justice, trial, et cetera, refer to procedures that should be available within a Christian congregation. The possible necessity of civic legal steps is not addressed. The elders should always take a complaint seriously, even if the accused is a well-known person of whom people cannot imagine that he be a delin­quent.

  Having a speckless reputation

  Having a speckless reputation is no guarantee that things cannot go wrong. Someone having trouble with sex is not always noticed by the people surrounding him. Like any other addiction, addiction to sex is often associated with denial, avoidance of exposure, secret behaviour, lying, et cetera. Delinquents are experts in covering up their actions. On the other hand, people should also take action carefully. It is not impossible that an alleged victim unjustly accuses an alleged offender to get him in wrong and to deliberately harm him. It may happen that a confidant's (ex) partner lodges a false complaint against a pastoral worker out of revenge for a divorce initiated by his wife, for which he considers the pastor or other friends and counsellors to be responsible.

  There is also the possibility that former incest victims misinterpret innocent remarks or actions of a counsellor as sexually offensive, when there is absolutely no question of sexual behaviour or sexual intentions. And how about recollections of abuse, which emerge 'from the unconscious' under therapy? Are these memories reliable? How can this be checked? These are all questions that will not be addressed in this article, but they might play a part. Every complaint should be thoroughly examined, even if the complaint sounds unlikely. Victims are easily intimidated or put to silence. This should be preven­ted. The least that has to be done is to conduct a proper investigation of the admissibility of the complaint. From the very beginning, the interests of the victim, the alleged delinquent and the congregation should be considered, without sacrificing one purpose for the sake of the other.

  To confront the alleged delinquent

  Whoever confronts a potential delinquent should be well prepared to produce an accurate formulation of a clearly defined complaint and to enter a conversation without being defensive or offensive. He should not be guided by possible inte-rests associated with friendship or fellowship, but use these relation characteristics to gain trust and to communicate confidence in how to handle the problem to the honour of God. He should be prepared to undergo his feelings of aggression (anger, reproach for lack of trust, et cetera) and to offer ways to recovery while addressing the complaint.

  A general formulation of the complaint is the best way to start. (For example: "A complaint has been lodged in respect of sexual harassment in the pastoral ministry. What do you think is going on? What will you tell us about a possible victim in your pastoral ministry and about what you have done?) This leaves the alleged delinquent an opening to disclose the matter himself. Not instantly revealing the victim's name and the nature of the accusation provides chances to discover any other victims and obtain additional information.

  Incomplete confessions or major differences between the delinquent's and the victim's are an indication that there may be deeper problems in either the delinquent or the victim. The existence of a complaint does not necessarily mean that a person is guilty. A complaint should first be judged in a lawsuit. The Bible indicates that an accusation should only be carried if there are two or three witnes­ses (1 Tim. 5:19_20, Matthew 18:15_17, 2 Cor. 13:1). In a case of sexual harassment witnesses constitute a problem. A delinquent will naturally have preven­ted that there were any witnesses at all.

  Verification of an accusation is difficult. In this respect, a victim holds a weak position. Without concrete evidence, the word of a person who is emotionally upset and needs pastoral care may oppose the word of a well-respected pastoral counsellor. Feelings of guilt and fear of stigmatization and threats may frustrate the victim from lodging a complaint.

  When and how can you find two or three victims who want to formulate a complaint, or how will a victim find witnesses who are willing to support an accusation? And how much weaker is a minor? It is obvious that the leaders of the congregation bear a great responsibility to give a weak person maxi­mum protection and to submit the alleged delinquent to a thorough investigation.

  If an accusation is denied, it will still have to be pastorally investigated. Matthew 18:15_17 may serve as an example of how to conduct a procedure dealing with a problem between two persons. One should also be aware that the accuser, even if the complaint should be unjust, expresses a need or a problem and needs to be cared for. With the alleged offender, the issue of his association with the opposite sex within the pastoral ministry needs to be pastorally addressed (even if he is innocent), and the impact that the (possibly unjust) accusation exercises on his pastoral functioning, etc.

  A procedure should be followed that on one hand extends pastoral care to both the plaintiff and the alleged delinquent and that on the other hand investigates whether the complaint may be declared admissible to be addressed in a congregation lawsuit.

  A major problem arises in the congregation if the accused denies. Conversations with the accused counsellor, picking up symptoms of abuse in the victim and in any complaints coming from the congregation (from the present time or from former history) are helpful signals in making a decision as to the admissibility of the complaint.

  This article does not address the treatment of the complaint if the alleged delinquent denies. If the delinquent con­fesses, investigation in the congregation should determine the nature of the guilt, find ways to achieve recovery, the consequences for the delinquent, and the type of compensation that the victim should receive.

  It is also examined whether this is a one-time, recent problem, or if the counsellor has a history of sexual problems, not only abuse, but also porno­graphy, mas­turbation, sexual fantasies, sexual problems in marriage etc.

  Basic principles

  This article is limited to the discussion of a justified complaint within the framework of a local congregation. The policy required may be summarized in two principles:

  7.        maximum protection of the victim and avoiding possible risks with other potential victims;

8.        maximum pastoral care and practical support for the delinquent, his partner, his family and other people involved.

  Questions about the circumstances of the confession

  Extra worries are involved if the facts are made public perforce. A person who allows others to look over his shoulder and assumes a correctable position, will also take the initiative himself to make it known that something went wrong. Does the offender come across as a person who has made a bad mistake and seeks recovery, or rather as a person who got caught and is now compelled to admit to his guilt? Congregation elders want to be informed from the start.

  It seriously damages confidence if the leaders have for a long time been ignorant of what was happening. A confession made out of fear is also possible. Did the delinquent bring the crime in the open only because he wanted to be first, one step ahead of the victim, and thus obtain some control over the course of events? Did he want to be ahead of the victim’s accusation and manipulate the handling of the complaint so that his own guilt would be extenuated? Is he hoping to get a quick settlement after making a quick confession?

  The importance of publication

  Nobody benefits from a cover-up operation. Desperate ills call for desperate remedies. If a complaint is not thoroughly examined, the victim is left out in the cold, the delinquent is not given any help and the congregation is exposed to terrible risks. Minimal information and covering up the problem contribute to the risk of gossip and rumours, disharmony and failure to address injustice towards the victim, the congregation and other potential victims.

  Publication will prevent uncertainty and gossip. It is the best guarantee for an open treatment, without a cover-up operation. In giving the information it should be clearly stated what went wrong (for example: sexual harassment in a pastoral interview), but not in detail. There is no need-to-know of the exact details for all; this also helps protect the victim and prevent stigmatization.

  Giving information to the (present and future) to the spiritual leaders and possible victims is an absolute necessity. The law and ethical code of counsellors discharge a counsellor from the strict profes­sional secrecy and oblige him to take every step necessary to stop the abuse. Especially when the victim is a child, adults should stand up for the rights and interests of the child  Publication to the civic legal authorities is a specific subject and depends on the laws in the relevant country.

  For a counsellor in the Netherlands it is always com­pulsory to report to the authorities; however, it is not allowed to mention the name of the delinquent in a religious community, not even with his permission. The leaders of the congregation may be confronted with an ethical dilemma here. Does the victim think that publication must be done? Does the victim need protection in doing this by others helping her or him to report the crime? Or has sufficient security been built up, and a way to help the offender, so that the victim is not stigmatized or con­fronted with painful legal procedures?

  The purpose of publication is to create an atmos­phere where people can walk in the light together, so that the solution can also be worked in the light and so that all concerned are given optimal access to the spiritual support that they require. Committing sin within the discharge of a pastoral duty in the congregation is sin against individual victims and against the congregation as a whole. Confession to all those concerned is necessary.

  A public hearing is not cold or condemning, but it is the best guarantee for protection. It is not rejection and revenge, but it is giving care and striving for justice. The delinquent will probably request maximum secrecy and he will reproach those who advocate openness with lack of forgivingness and lack of spirituality. Discussions about this may cause a rupture in a team of leaders and undermine a collective policy. The delinquent is given an opportunity to play the leaders off against each other and to disrupt a thorough, univocal approach. In order to prevent this from happening in the heat of the discussion, it is best form a mutual team standpoint before the team is confronted with this problem. This prevents a useless conflict at a later stage, which would weaken a thorough approach.

  Consequences of the assessment of guilt

  If the counsellor admits to being guilty of sexual harassment within his pastoral ministry, his execution of counselling work, both within and outside the congregation, must be stopped immediately, regardless of the number of potential victims. It is the duty of the elders to inform the delinquent’s confidants about this course of events. If the delinquent insists on informing his confidants himself (why?, motives?), this should be done, in the presence of a third person and under explicit conditions as to what may and what may not be said. What the delinquent is going to say should be put in writing, so that punctual verification is possible and unnecessary sideline discussions or problems due to headstrong behaviour by the offender may be prevented.

  At this point of time, admission of guilt may already be an option, but only under the condition that all concerned are fully aware that the case requires further processing, that the details and consequences of the complaint are still being investigated, that at this point of time no lawsuit has been concluded and that, therefore, no final conclusions can be drawn and no final confession can be made. A hasty confession usually means that the delinquent will be carelessly dealt with later ("Everything has been confessed, hasn't it?") and that he may be blind to the depth of the current and after-the-fact problems, and that in the end the victim is left out in the cold, etc.

  All pastoral interviews must be canceled, mentioning the reason for the cancellation as formulated by the council of elders. In cancelling the pastoral appoint­ments, the minimum of information to be given should be that the counsellor has made a serious pas­toral error, that therefore he cannot have interviews at this moment and that it is uncertain whether or when he will resume his duties. The confi­dants should also be informed what the next step will be in addressing the complaint and how they shall be informed of more details.

  If the delinquent and the victim offer different versions of the facts, this should not make any difference in the case handling. The fact remains that a serious ethical error has been made in the pastoral ministry, which results in immediate suspension. Probably, the offender will still feel responsible for the progress of his ministry. This care ministry must be stopped. This care has been taken from him and will be filled in for by those under whose authority he stands. Organizations in­volved need to be in­formed: the board of the organization in which the counsellor may execute an office, the staff, the elders in the offender's home congregation should he be a missionary, et cetera. Each organization that he dedicated his pas­toral gift to or where he accounts for his spiritual activities, will be in­formed.

  Information to partner and family

  Informing the partner may in the first place be done by the delinquent. It should all be brought in the open and named in a general, but clear des­cription. At this stage, the partner should be informed of all forms of abuse and perhaps other recent and earlier sexual disruption. Painful details should not be given on the delinquent's initiative, but every question from the partner (including detailed questions) must be concretely replied to, now as well as in later stages. Giving incomplete information now may cause extra confidence crises later on. Fear of losing the partner is a poor adviser when it comes to informing the partner.

If the delinquent has informed his partner without the church leaders being present, the information given will need to be checked by the chur­ch leaders afterwards. The partner, too, has a right to be given insight into the congregation policy with regard to involvement in the procedure. The children, too, need to be given attention, in consultation with the delinquent and the partner. Depending on their age, a variety of initiatives may be required. They are co-victimized in the developments in their parents' marriage and in the congregation. Who looks after them?

  Provision of information to the congregation

An important factor in the provision of information is to prevent and avoid risks for possible other victims, even if the delinquent denies that there are any. If a person errs as a consequence of his pastoral duties within the congregation, within the frame­work of his ministry, the entire community must be informed, painful as it may be. After all, guilt has been generated to the community as an entirety. It is essential that every potential victim is given support and given the opportunity to make any information known.

  Provision of information and publication may comprise the following elements:

  * The seriousness of the sin, committed within the frame of a pastoral ministry, should not be covered, but must be publicly named and dealt with. The provision of information in respect of the complaint charged will be done in plain wording, but without revealing any unnecessary details. The information should be as limited as possible, but as extensive as is necessary to describe the seriousness of the matter;

  * Opportunity must be offered to call attention to problems (not during the meeting itself, but ways must be pointed out how to share such information);

  * Inform the community that the (pastoral) responsibilities of the counsellor have been terminated and seek and offer alternatives;

  * Prevent gossip arising from imprecision. Ask the mem­bers of the community to refrain from irrelevant and non-construc­tive comments or speculation. This does not imply an embargo on mutual discussion of the subject matter;

  * Call for prayer for recovery, emphasizing that on the one hand sin can be forgiven but that on the other hand sin also has its consequences;

  * Explanation of the pursuance of the procedure; who is in charge of further dealing with the complaint?; what will be the next step?; will the congregation be involved in further dealings?; will an external observer or adviser be ap­pointed who will have access to information on the policy exercised by the elders? How will the community be updated on the procedure and its termination?; etcetera;

  * Create opportunities for mutual discussions and for jointly dealing with what has happened and the feelings that this has brought about.

  Reaction patterns in the congregation

  The members of the congregation will probably not be able to handle this issue. A number of the members, as has happened previously, since they have received help from the counselor in the past, will idealize and protect him. As a result the mistake he made will not seem so serious in their view, and will be easier to accept. In the name of love (right) the card of Forgiveness is dealt (rightly) and injustice is minimized (wrongly!). The offender will become victim because people pity a tough public approach. The victim will become offender-provoker of all these public accusations and co-offender as assumed temptress.

  Another reason why members of the congregation would rather cover up the matter might be fear for them­selves and for their road of Faith. Shame, collective guilt, anger, desperation, disillusionment, feelings of betrayal and grief are symptoms that must be taken seriously. If the offender, who used to be a spiritual role model, commits such a sin, what guarantee do they have that they as common or garden-variety believers will be able to reach the finish in the spiritual race? Does the road of Faith not give them guarantees for the future after all? They can react with denial because they do NOT want it to be rubbed in that they take part in a painful reality.

  People who do not go along with the denial are being judged as having a lack of charity. Victims and members of the congregation who support a tough approach may be plagued by guilt because they are not able to forgive and forget the issue quickly. Settlement with the pastor is another pos­sibility. In the current situation his opponents can see evidence for their previous doubts and resistance against the pastor and will now try to gain influence in favor of their interests. Those who were helped in the past can also feel so hurt that their devotion to the pastor may turn into rage. 

  Some members of the congregation go through the process as if they had been violated themselves. They opened up during their pastoral meetings and now they know that the counselor con­cerned has be­trayed other people’s trust. This will cause a crisis of trust and a dama­ging experience in them (for in­stance, it could have been me; I don’t want to be reminded of anything in relation to that man). Church members will also harbor doubts against the church leaders. Why didn’t the leaders see this? Why don’t they do anything? Why are they so harsh? or so soft? Are they actually capable and trustworthy? Why didn’t they notice anything when their spiritual life is in good order? And if they did notice any­thing, why didn’t they take action faster? It can be useful to con­tact places where the councilor used to work. It can then be checked if there is a previous history, or if the problem had been paid attention to etc.

  Pastoral help to the victim

  A victim will have problems in trusting a new pastor. Dama­ged trust heals very slowly. A counselor of the same gender as the victim is recommended. This article does not deal with the issues of guidance for a victim of undesired sexual behavior, but it is understood that the person who gives guidance to the victim’s partner must have knowledge and experience of such guiding principles. The congregation may need to contribute to the financial cost to the pastorate. It has a healing effect when the victim is in­volved in the agreements with the offender. The victim’s voice must be heard, not hushed. Involving the victim in the procedure, if and when the victim agrees, works as recognition. The victim must not be kept under wraps in the congregation, but must receive appropriate attention and encouragement.  Victims must not be labeled as weak, but as people who have performed a courageous feat. Positive confirmation helps to build a positive self-image.

   Pastoral help to the partner

  The offender’s partner may become a serious crisis. Who will pay attention to that? The partner’s reaction can be a huge aggression towards the offender, because of the injustice done and the damage to the marriage. Are there thoughts of divorce or is the couple open for recon­ciliation? What are the conse­quences for the marriage? On the other hand, the partner can defend and protect the offender. In that case the appearance of the crime is minimized. By considering the offender’s blame small, the partner will feel less pain.

  Denial is a mechanism that keeps one’s own grief within mana­geable boundaries. It will also delay the threatening ques­tion about their part in their possible failure as marriage partner or emphasize it exces­sively. The partner will take part in the stigmatization and will also be forced into the role of victim ('it must be horrible to be married to some­one like that’) or of offender ('if she would have been a good wife, that man would never have looked else­where'). Neither partner, nor offender will benefit from minimali­zation, because that will hinder a realistic approach of the problem.  

Pastoral help to the offender

  The offender can best be helped by a neutral external institution or person. The leaders cannot possibly be judge and shepherd at the same time. These roles are incompatible. If need be the team of elders can single out one person for a pastoral role, but in that case that person cannot take part in the congregational case. Persons who deal with the complaint can take the initiative to communicate the need for spiritual protection and spiritual care to the congregation. They can encourage the offender to create a spiritual framework of people who are informed and can support him.

  Pastoral help to the congregation

  In the congregation the problem and the consequences should be discussable. A meeting will help, with information about coping with grief after trust has been damaged and opportunities for pastoral talks, individually as well as collectively. Violation of trust and damage to faith can be discussed.

  Care for the congregation can consist of: creation moments in which emotions and questions can be ex­pressed without being judged; education about coping with grief processes, dealing with emotions, healthy sexual boundaries, etcetera; information about changes that will be made in the structure of the pastorate or the congregation; how prevention of sexual violation will be dealt with; offering personal pastoral help; a moment when forgiveness and reconciliation will be expressed, though without opportunity for the offender to return in his function.

  All these measures will not always be necessary for each church member, so that partial groups or certain individuals may be approached separately. The congregation must not focus on the violation exclusively. Make sure there is a balance in the education and that as many activities in the congregation as possible will continue as usual. Further the congregation must be guided into a process in which a good balance is maintained between anger and forgiving, negative and positive matters in the congregation, individual needs and congregational needs, dealing with the past and building the future. " The offender must be absolutely prevented from manipulating the congregation again by his explanation of his lapse. "

  Confession of guilt by the offender

  The offender will get the opportunity to publicly confess his guilt, because his sin was committed while he was in a public function and has public consequences. It is important that the contents of the confession will be discussed in confidence. The safest way is a written format approved in advance by the offender and the leaders. The victim must also agree with this format. It is an important principle that the victim, if she wishes, is informed in advance about all the steps in the procedure and if possible she is encouraged to discuss all decisions and future steps.

  The offender must absolutely be prevented from manipulating the congregation again by his explanation of his lapse, for example by asking to be forgiven (meaning to be reinstated as a matter of course), to be grateful for another chance (to be understood as forcing the congregation to keep him in his position), etcetera. It must be a confession of guilt, without any expression of expectations of quid pro quo by the congregation. It is possible the offender attempts to further damage the victim in his confession (I couldn’t help it; it just happened; she seduced me). He can, as a matter of course, appeal on his “right” to being forgiven, instead of showing himself to be deeply broken and to have a sense of being lost. Minimalization of the sin and “acceleration” of forgiveness in order to be able to leave everything behind does not recognize the victim’s complaint and underestimates the consequences to the group. It will not offer the offender any chance to gain any insight.

  The experience ‘It just happened to me’, means at a minimum a serious lack of spiritual insight. In 1 Cor. 10:13 we see that it is impossible that a person will be tried more than he can handle. This means that it is essential that the offender discover for himself what and how it all went wrong. What guarantee is there that this situation won’t happen to him again? And if it goes wrong for him sexually, there may also be other areas in his life that are in danger.  Which spiritual adultery had developed in his life before this was expressed in sexual transgression? And what will all this cause within the marriage? Etc

  Sexual transgression doesn’t happen out of the blue. It is preceded by some kind o­f history. People who state that this just happened to them and react with surprise, don’t realize what has been going on. Maybe the offender does not realize how serious his crime is because of all of his mechanisms to cover up the guilt and lessen the pain. Maybe the offender tries to explain his behavior in order to maintain a reasonably positive self-image. Whatever the case may be, there definitely was a pre-existent plan, which resulted in the sin; the preceding history must be examined. Denial and minimali­zation, definition (this is the only time, it never happened before) rationalization, etcetera, must not come in the way of thorough investigation.

  Confession of guilt by congregation leaders

  If a sexual transgression sin has been committed, the leaders must accept their responsibility, even if they have not taken any reprehensible actions. They have not been able to monitor the offender’s pastoral task adequately. One can wonder if there was sufficient guidance during the pastor’s training, Was there peer monitoring, supervision, discussion between col­leagues? Are there any imperfections in the structure of the congregation or organization that played a role? In any case, they are involved together in a body of spiritual relations in which sin has entered. Especially in the Old Testament, we find examples of collective responsibility. Many prophets confess the guilt of the people, as if they took part in it themselves. This confession must be made before the victim as well as before the congregation.

  Forgiving

  Sincere regret, which goes beyond fear for the consequences, must be followed by forgiving. That does not mean the end of the matter though. It has only just begun. Choosing to forgive is one issue. That surrenders the issue to God, whose wrath is righteous. He who forgives, is liberated from the search for self-justification and is prepared to live with the consequences of somebody else’s sin. But sins that have been forgiven still have consequences.  Those consequences are still being investigated after the violation has been made public. One is willing to forgive what? What are the consequences? [6]

  The act of forgiving must be processed, which will take a lot of time and pain. Forgiving reaches for reconciliation. Even though complete recovery must be aimed at, that will not always be feasible in this imperfect world. Some things will never heal. In most cases complete recovery is impossible. The only thing that can be done then is try and live as well as possible with the pain and scars from the past. Public admonition, so that the others will be awe-struck (1 Tim. 5:20), is quite suitable, even in a process of forgiving. The serious approach of the consequences must instill both the offender and the congregation with the necessary awe.

  Also if the road toward forgiveness is being followed, many questions will be asked (example: can the counselor return to his work? Which compen­sation of damages can be made? Which steps does he have to take in order to repair the trust and is this at all possible? Does the counselor understand that because of this issue church members cannot trust him any more, or does he prove by his lack if understanding that again he is not able to imagine his victims’ world, and thus will again ignore the boundaries...? Etcetera).

  Some short term consequences

  One of the first consequences can be a temporary suspension or immediate cancellation of the employment contract. The counselor will be requested not to perform any pastoral work. It is a possibility that he be entrusted with a practical or administrative task. This can only be done if it happens in a context that will not cause others to take offence or feel threatened. The approach is dependent on the sin, the circumstances, the congregation’s or colleagues’ capacity, the possible positive impact of a suspension or permission to remain useful in an administrative function, the consequences for the victim’s family, etcetera. In the first stage the offender must lay down his spiritual responsibility, even if complete confessions and repentance are present. Taking away the spiritual responsibility is not necessarily an expression of suspicion, but a spiritual protection.

  This is difficult for solo fliers, strong leaders who are used to doing their work without being corrected by others and some­times even used to pushing their way through. If they are prepared in the long term to answer for their spiritual responsibility and not to demand reinstatement, that would be a good sign that they are taking the responsibility for what happened.

  Forgiveness does not mean that the offender can just go on like before. Even a man like David first had to bear the consequences of committing adultery and murder. Although God did forgive him, his son had to die (2 Samuel 12:13:14). God did maintain him in his royal calling. Confession followed by forgiveness must be worked out into repair, compensation, bearing of the conse­quences, etcetera. A one-dimensional view of forgiving as a matter immediately finished as soon as it has been expressed is not enough to be able to go on spiritually.

An additional danger of “instant forgiving” is that the victim will be put into a position of blame, because she cannot forgive or love fast enough “as she ought to”. This means that the offender is again the one who controls the situation. He determines the procedure then instead of being the one to follow. In this way his power will remain intact.

  In consultation with the victim, it can be determined which steps the offender must take in the short term to cooperate as much as possible in the healing process. Does the victim desire a personal confession of guilt? And how should that be done (written, personal in the presence of a third party)? Is the offender prepared to pay the fees for any pastoral work and is that the victim’s wish?

  Some long term consequences

  It is necessary to encourage the offender to create a spiritual framework of people who know about the issue and can support him spiritually. He must in fact be com­pletely open about the issue towards the leaders of a possible new congregation and must allow them to discuss it. The offender must not accept nor perform in any position without thoroughly examining how the injuries made by him can be healed and without the spiritual protection of those who are his spiritual leaders. The offender must definitely receive long time guidance.

  Therapy is essential for the offender in order to obtain insight towards himself and to recognize the mechanism that made the violation possible, and to learn how to deal with it in the future. The offender must obtain insight in the manner in which the sin got the chance to establish itself inside him (how could it ever come to that? Which spiritual, psychological and social factors played a role?); how can he prevent this negative process in the future; how can he practice in imagining other people’s lives and the consequences of his actions; how does transmission and counter-trans­mission function in (pastoral) relationships, etcetera.

  Such an intensive guidance must last at least for a year, but in practice often three to five years are necessary. Attention must also be paid here to marriage pastorate and repair and reinforcement of the relationship with the partner. Permanent lifelong supervision on a possible later to be performed spiri­tual position, is not luxury, but necessity.

  Reinstatement in a spiritual position is possible, but cannot be demanded. A Christian worker must be blame­less. He must meet the requirements that are given for the elders (1 Tim. 3:2, Tit. 1 :6). A serious ethical lapse can mean the end of some­body’s spiritual position. Reinstatement does not only depend on the of­fender’s repentance, but also on if the community sees him and is able or willing to see him as “blameless”. Personal spiritual reinstatement is possible and in the congregation it is a requirement as well (Gal. 6_1_2). Yet this does not necessarily mean reinstatement in his function. Reinstatement in his position is not prohibited, but the offender must have given proof first. Remember David: he was reinstated, but had to bear the conse­quences first. Remember also that his authority was worldly, political and military. Spiri­tual authority did not belong to the king.

  It is not a matter of course that a person who has fallen into serious sexual sins, will afterwards still be able to have spiritual authority. In any case the offender will need a long period in which he will have to demonstrate healing in his spiritual life, with publicly visible positive consequences for his character and relationships. Only then may he be deemed “blameless” again.

  The leadership of the congregation must reflect their functioning. What must be changed in order to bet­ter supervise each other? Is it necessary to change the struc­ture? Do they need other agreements about the func­tion of the pastorate (example: no guidance of people of the opposite sex), about the place and importance of supervision (example: everybody must have protective supervision and answer for his actions regularly). Is there open­ness in the congregation and a procedure, known to all, to deal with complaints in a non-threatening manner? Guidance of offenders of sexual transgressions will be discussed in other brochures of the publishers. May God bless this brochure.