Marvel-less Comics Presents:
The UnCooth X-Men in:
THE PHOENIX SAGA part 2
by Rick

(As we join our heroes, since the last episode, they have all gathered around the TV for an evening of rest and relaxation, while the Professor stayed at the hospital with the ailing Jean)

Kitty - Man! I can't believe that the pre-empted FRIENDS with breaking news about some little girl in Connecticut falling down a well. Been there, done that!

Wolverine - Well, looks like we'll have to find something else to watch. Any suggestions?

Marrow - (looking in TV GUIDE) Ooooh! The FOX channel is showing "WHEN BABIES ATTACK!" hosted by Tori Spelling! Let's watch that!

Storm - Well, as entertaining as that sounds, I think I shall go to the Danger Room for a training session before going to bed. Anyone want to join me?

(EVERYONE RAISES THEIR HANDS EXCEPT MARROW)

Marrow - I'm gonna stay here and chill, sista!

(STORM GIVES MARROW A BLANK LOOK AS EVERYONE HEADS OFF FOR THE TRAINING SESSION)

Nightcrawler - It has been days since we've trained in the Danger Room- - what with all of the crappy crossovers we've been forced through over the past year! It will fell good to release some energy.

Wolverine - Well......um....see there was this one crossover called OPERATION ZERO TOLERANCE, that didnt do so well, and in it, we lost all of our Danger Room equipment, so we've had to be resourceful and make up stuff to use.

Kitty - Is that why there are mannequins with MAGNETO spray painted on them hanging from the ceiling?

Storm - Actually, that is considered high tech when you see the basic stuff.

(STORM PUSHES A BUTTON AND CARDBOARD STAND-UPS OF THE BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL MUTANTS POP UP FROM THE FLOOR, WITH A MUFFLED TAPE RECORDING PLAYING)

Muffled voice of the standee - Grrrr! I am evil and I will destroy everyone. Boo!

Colossus - Oh, God......Powers?! What have you done NOW?!

(MEANWHILE...JEAN HAS ESCAPED THE HOSPITAL AND IS HEADING TOWARDS A CENTRAL PARK PLAYGROUND)

Kid on swing set - WOW! Look Kevin! There's BIG BIRD!

Jean - (lands in front of kids) Why are you pointing at me, charlatain?!

Kid #1 - Is it really you, Mr. Bird? Can I have your autograph?

Jean - You canNOT have my autograph, but you can have a full blast of my FEATHER FORCE!!!

(FIRE POURS FROM JEAN'S HANDS MELTING THE CHILDREN TO THE METAL SWING SET)

(ENTER MARK POWERS)

Powers - Oh, no you don't, Miss Thang! You may be popular, and nice looking in those spandex things, but you will NOT be killing our target audience in THIS book! You need to be stopped, and that means (DRAMATIC PAUSE) you must fight your friends!

Jean - But....Mr Powers, the script says that I oin the HellFire Club first.......

Powers - Poppycock! We don't say THAT word in the x-books anymore! You will oin your friends.....in a fight! That will boost sales!

Jean - Um......

(HARRAS AND LIEBIG ENTER DRAGGING THE OTHER XMEN IN FROM THE OTHER SET)

Harras - Here they are! Get to it! Fight each other so that we can bring out a moral at the end......something like "Friends shouldnt fight together.....they should work together!"

Liebig - My GOD! That is brilliant! No wonder you are the boss!

Harass - You got that right, Buttsuck! Now come! Let us leave these characters to their parts!

(THE EDITORS LEAVE)

Storm - (whispering) I guess we should just wing it? (louder) OK! We shall stop you Big Bird! You shall NOT cause your reign of terror to flood this playground any longer!

Nightcrawler - That is right because we......uh.........um..........have to place this headband thing on your head, and then your brain will stop working, or something like that.....

(Nightcrawler jumps on Jean's back)

Nightcrawler - Suprise, Leibchen. I'm sorry- - truly sorry- - things must turn out this way, but as the saying goes- - "Its for your own good!"

Jean - Well, if THATS the case......you should've just shot me as soon as I showed up at the mansion so I wouldnt have to be going through this crappy rewrite!

(KURT SLIPS THE BRAINWAVE NULLIFIER ON JEAN'S HEAD)

Jean - AARRGH! My mind is on fire! I cant use my powers! I cant remember what comes after "m"!!!!

Colossus - (GRABBING JEAN) Do not fight us, Big Bird! The harder you struggle, the more you will be in pain!

Jean - (KICKING COLOSSUS INTO A NEARBY SLIDE) Surrender?! NEVER! "K" is for KICK YOUR _ _ _ ! And thats what Im gonna do!

Wolverine - Enough is enough! I thought we bottomed out with the HUNT FOR XAVIER story.....but THIS?! This is worse than that Death of Joseph thing!! I'm gonna kill Jean myself so that this will all be over, and I can go back home and watch that "Baby" thing with Marrow!

(MEANWHILE BACK AT THE MANSION)

Marrow - Whoa! Those killer babies are totally whack!

(BACK AT THE BATTLE....WOLVERINE HAS KNOCKED JEAN DOWN, AND IS PREPARING TO KILL HER)

Jean - Do it, Logan! Please! End this now!

Wolverine - I........I cant Jeanie! I.......still......I still love you!

Jean - (PUSHING WOLVERINE AWAY WITH A TK BLAST) Darnit Logan! I wish you would've just killed me! Now I'll have to follow the script.....and that means trapping all the XMen in a TK bubble, then FORCING you to sing the alphabet song ad nauseum until you all die! Right kids?

Kids in a groupie huddle behind Jean - RIGHT BIG BIRD! "K" is for KILL!!!!! YAY!!!!

(XAVIER ROLLS UP...PANTING)

Xavier - Whew! I've gotta stop splurging on Shi'ar crap, and save up to get an electric wheelchair! JEAN STOP THIS INSANITY NOW!

Jean - NEVER XAVIER! You of all people should understand my hunger! Everyone should learn the alphabet! EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THAT SOMETIMES "Y" IS A VOWEL!!!!!

Xavier - My child, if you will not stop this, then I will be forced to fight you in your own mind!

Kitty - Ok....Im confused. Was it the comics...or the cartoon, where Jean fights Xavier in her mind and gets covered in red goop?

Powers - (FROM OFF STAGE) It was the cartoon, Katherine! That was waaaay too scary, in my opinion, so we will not be doing that scene here today. Go ahead Xavier.

Xavier - (BEGINS MIND LINK WITH JEAN) Jean! You must resist the BIG BIRD FORCE! If you do not, you will scare all of the kids, and they will not want to go to school and learn the very things that you fight for: freedom, peace, and the ability to learn the "i before e" mnemonic.

Jean - Professor......I.....do....not want.......to fight......but.......its......making me.......do so.....
..........please.....tell....them......to kill me.....before.............I break free......and kill you all.

Xavier - Never! You will resist and be free!

(JEAN BEGINS TO SEARCH THROUGH XAVIER'S MIND)

Jean - I can see your memories! Your mother was a lovely lady who died before her time............your half-brother harrassed you......your..........BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Storm - LOShiftkey! Jean has burst into maniacal laughter!

Xavier - What are you laughing about, Jean?

Jean - BWAHAHAHA! Oh my God! You wear Depends?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Xavier - What?! how could you possibly get that from my mind-link? Truly you are too powerful for your own good......er, yeah, thats right......she MUST be killed Xmen! Kill her now!

Jean - BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! And you've got a love jones for me?! BWAHAHA! Like I'd EVER consider going out with YOU! BWAHAHAHAHA! (wipes tear from eye)

Xavier - HELL-OOOOO?! XMen?! Are you ignoring me, or what?!

Kitty - No, let her go on.....Im loving this!

Jean - BWAHAHAHAHA!! HEY EVERYBODY......CHUCK ISN'T WEARING PANTS UNDER THAT LAP-BLANKET! Oh....BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

(THE OTHER XMEN BEGIN TO SNICKER)

Xavier - SILENCE! I will not let you reveal all of my secrets!!!

Jean - OH MY GOD...THIS ONE IS THE BEST..............HAHA! CHARLES IS INTO BACKSTREET BOYS!!!! BWAHA........* >THUD<

(JEAN COLLAPSES TO THE GROUND DEAD)

Storm - Godde.....I mean, LOShiftkey! What has happened?!

Xavier - I had to shut down her mind, my children. She was totally out of control. Sadly, there were no other options.

Colossus - Really, Professor?

Xavier - Yes. Welp.....I guess we're done here......let's go ho....

Nightcrawler - Wait a minute! Did she say that you arent wearing pants under that blanket?!

Xavier - (BLUSHING) "............................"

Storm - Ew! Professor!!!!

Kitty - Well, I'M not pushing him home!

Colossus - Me either!

Storm and Nightcrawler - Us either!

Xavier - Oh, c'mon guys! I'm tired! Haven't I been there for you.....through all the bad times?

(EVERYONE STARTS TO WALK AWAY)

Xavier - (ROLLING AFTER THEM) C'mon! Storm! Kurt?! That's it you guys! The team is disbanded as SOON as I get back to the mansion! Absolutely no more freeloading in my house!!! Do you hear me?!?!?! Guys?!??!!

(MEANWHILE IN ALASKA)

Cyclops - Jean......is there something wrong between us? You've been acting odd for the past few days.

Coat rack - "........................................"


THE END!!! (thank GOD!)
...but what about the Professor disbanding the team?!
COMING SOON - - - - THE SPLATTERING!