I COULD NEVER TAKE THE PLACE
OF YOUR MAN.

� Katrina99

Rated G

Jordan hung up the phone and quickly pulled a T-shirt over his head. Concern was written all over his face as he wet his hair and pulled a brush through it a couple of times. She didn't sound good, in fact, her tone was almost desperate. She needed him there with her and he understood. It was something he had done before and he knew that his presence would make things better for her. It was something that was understood between them. Grabbing his wallet and keys he rushed out the house to his car and quickly drove toward her house.

Katrina sat on the sofa, tears in her eyes. On the table in front of her, a bottle of tequila sat almost empty. A glass half full of the liquid sat on the table in front of her. J. J. ran around the living room playing with his imaginary friend. His mother was too weak and drunk to send him to his room. She hardly noticed he was there. Soft music played in the background - it was their favorite CD. Tears streamed down her eyes as she listened to it remembering all the times they shared.

Jordan pulled up to the big house and quickly walked up the driveway. He was about to knock on the door when he realized it was already unlocked. He slowly opened the door, hearing Elton John singing in the background.

"Hi Uncle Jordan." Jordan greeted his nephew and hugged him. He looked into the little boy's eyes. He had his father's eyes, in fact, looking at him, he saw a miniature version of Jonathan and it almost stopped Jordan's heart. Even though it had been more than a year since Jonathan's death, the whole family was still in a stage of mourning. It should have never happened. Sadly he was at the wrong place at the wrong time. He'd been in a jewelry store buying Katrina a necklace for their second wedding anniversary the following week. A jerk decided that the jewelry store was an ideal place to get a quick cash fix and during the robbery Jonathan had tried to be a hero. That's what was in the newspaper article anyway. Jon was attempting to coax the gun out of the man's hand once security showed up outside the store and before they knew it, shots were fired and Jonathan was hit once in the chest. He lived for two days in the hospital. Long enough for everyone to say their good-byes, as hard as it was, to him.

"Watch over Kat and the kids Jordan. Be strong for them, be there for them." A tear slipped down Jon's eye as he looked pleadingly at his brother. "I can't." Jordan cried openly as he promised his brother that he would always be there for Kat, Jonathan and their unborn child. Later that same night, Jonathan died holding on to Katrina's hand. His last words to her were that he'd always be her guiding spirit.

Now looking at Jon, Jr. he wondered where Jon was tonight. "Where's your mommy JJ" He held his hand and ushered him to his room. It was after 10:00 and he should have been in bed.

"Mommy's crying." JJ said with much more concern that his 4-year-old heart should know.

Jordan tucked J. J. into bed, putting on a story tape for him so that he could go talk to Kat. He checked on one year old Alayna who lay sound asleep in her crib, Jordan wanted to weep for this child who would never know her father. He kissed her softly and went to the family room where Katrina sat.

"Kat." Jordan said hesitantly when he saw her. To anyone glancing at her, she looked beautiful and elegant, which of course she was. She was fully dressed in a white dress shirt and black slacks, obviously her work clothes. Her hair neatly done. Jordan saw the tears in her eyes that told the story of her heart. The alcohol in front of her was almost gone and he quietly picked up the glass and bottle and carried them to the kitchen, getting the poison as far away from her as he could in the house. He didn't know how much she'd drunk, but from the looks of things she was far more than buzzed. The kitchen was a mess. Dishes everywhere. She must have just fed the kids and then broke down. Jordan rinsed of the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher, wiped off the counter and table and cleared everything else away. He turned on the coffeepot for a moment, forgetting that she didn't drink coffee. A few minutes later he emerged with a steaming mug of hot chocolate.

He placed the mug in front of her and sat down on the couch. She hadn't moved since he walked in the first time. Now she looked at him with tears in her eyes. Jordan immediately pulled her into his arms and held her as new tears burst from her eyes. Her body shook all over with the grief that she felt.

"I know honey, I know it's hard. I miss him too, we all do." He choked thinking of how much he did miss his older brother. They'd always been the closest and now he was gone leaving a wife and kids. It was almost unimaginable, but it had happened to them. He pulled her up "Want to talk about it?" He smoothed her hair back and wiped away her tears.

She smiled weakly, her eyes glistening and distant. "Why did he leave me Jordan?" It was the question she asked herself every morning when she got up and every night before she fell asleep. Every time she looked at JJ or Alayna she got that sick feeling in her stomach. It was almost unbearable to be around them sometimes. They were his legacy. There were times when she blamed him. He could have made it through, it didn't matter that he was shot through the chest, if he really loved them he would have made it. Why didn't he want to live for his family, for his children. She felt as though he gave up on life even though she knew that wasn't try. It was those thoughts made often made her loose control.

"He didn't want to baby, you have to know that. If it wasn't for that stupid jerk at the store he would still be here with us, with you. Some days are going to be like this Kat, you're going to remember some things, they'll bring back memories and you'll cry for all that was lost, for those memories.. But you just have to go through these stages. One day it won't hurt as much." Sometimes he went through these stages. Remembering all the time they spent together in the group. He remembered them touring different countries together, playing the eager tourists. Jonathan snapping pictures dragging Jordan from this place to that. "I'm giving you culture Jordan, like it or not, it's not all about foreign babes." Jordan remembered his brother saying as he dragged him to another tourist attraction. Jonathan was always looking out for him, even when he didn't mean to be. He remembered being there when JJ was born. Jonathan was so happy. He ran out into the hospital waiting room where most of his family was station and screamed "It's a boy! I've got a son." Crying and laughing at the same time. Later that night Jordan took him to a little bar where they toasted Katrina and little JJ who was the apple of his father's eye. He doted on that little baby so much. He could have been a model for what a real father should be. Since he worked out of the house he was there with JJ most of the day after Katrina went back to work. If it wasn't for the fact that she breast-fed him Kat wouldn't have had to do anything for him. They were a great family. Jordan was the one who actually pressured Jon into marrying her.

He knew they were both ready, but they were dragging their feet. They were so caught up in the comfort of their simplistic life that they really didn't think too much about marriage. They were already joined by heart and soul. They had the most beautiful wedding in the mountains with David and Chris as Jon's groomsmen. Jordan was best man and he made sure all his duties were taken care of. Katrina looked beautiful in a long flowing white Versace gown, a tiara on her head with a cathedral length veil. Little JJ was too young to be a ring bearer so there was just Matthew who looked great even though he was older than most ringbearers. He had all the attention of the flower girls though, and Jordan could see he was already holding his own with the girls. The whole gala was beautiful and thinking of it, a tear fell from Jordan's eye as he hugged Katrina again. These were the feelings he was talking about. Also the feeling of guilt. There was something that he'd never told his brother, and now he carried that feeling around with him whenever he saw her. He'd been in love with her before she got together with Jon. Jordan was the one who introduced them. Jordan and Kat had become fast friends but he was not at the stage where he wanted to settle down with someone, and he knew that when he was ready he wanted her to be that person. He thought of her as a special gift to him. She was like a sister to him, someone he could go to when he needed to talk, to laugh or even to cry. Even after she got together with Jon they still hung out together, to her nothing at changed but sometimes it tore at him that it was Jon she eventually settled down with and if he hadn't been so stubborn with his feelings, it could have been him. After awhile he understood that she was meant for Jonathan. He accepted it as much as he could and his only wish was that Jonathan made her as happy as she made Jordan. And Jonathan fullfilled that wish.

She laid her head back onto the sofa and sighed. It was so hard for her. Alayna had taken her first step today and for a moment she was so excited she couldn't wait to tell Jonathan. She'd actually thought he was still alive. When it dawned on her that he would never see these moments again, she'd lost it and broke down. A few hours later she'd drunk half of the bottle of tequila to get away from the pain but it didn't help. She felt helpless and she even entertained thoughts about taking her own life, which is when she called Jordan. She relayed this news to him and his heart broke. He didn't know she'd been this desperate.

Jordan did the best he could do to console her. His voice and touch was enough for Kat. She lay in his arms thinking about Jonathan wondering still, why he'd left.

Jordan held her tightly rocking her to the music. Her sobs had ceased and now she just lay there against him drowning in his arms. If it wasn't for Jordan and the children there was no way she would have ever made it through this tragedy. For years now she'd been the one that Jordan came to when he was feeling down and hopeless now he was returning all those favors to her. She needed him there with her. Suddenly she clung to him, not wanting to let him go. He was her tie, to Jonathan and her sanity and she felt if she let him go she would loose everything.

Sensing something wrong Jordan pulled her away from him and looked into her eyes trying to figure out what had just happened. She looked up at him with big brown eyes and before either of them could speak, she kissed him. At first it was a friendly kiss, one that spoke 'thank you' to him for being there for her, but suddenly there was urgency and a need to that kiss. Jordan, shocked and surprised didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted to kiss her back for God knew he still loved her, but this was his sister-in-law and of course she was in a moment of weakness, not to mention she was still drunk. He stopped the kiss.

"Katrina, no. I'm not Jonathan. You're drunk." His reasoning for her kiss, but what was the reasoning for the lightheaded feeling he felt.

"I know, I know, I just-Jordan, I need you to be here for me. I can't go through this without you." She broke away from his embrace and walked back to the sofa. "I feel, so lonely." She wasn't aware of all she was saying, but then again she was. She wanted him to comfort her, to take her on through this journey of a hard life. Jordan sighed. She reached out for him and part of him wanted to go to her, to comfort her like only a man could, but he knew that couldn't happen.

"We're going to get you to bed young lady so you can rest off the booze, you're talking through your ass now." She looked at him, and shook her head.

"I know it sounds crazy Jordan, but you're all I have and I don't want to lose you too. You mean so much to me."

I understand that, believe me I do, and I will never leave you guys. Let's say we get you to sleep and then tomorrow I take all of you out. You and the kids need to get out of here, stop living like captives Kat. Jordan came over and gave her a hug. "I'll always be here for you, you're my Angel Face remember?" He said and they both smiled as he used the nickname he'd called her for years.

Katrina didn't say anything but let him lead her to her bedroom where he she lay on the sheet, closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

"Kat?" He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her. Her eyes were closed and for the first time that night, she looked peaceful. He brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead. He looked over to the bedside table. A picture of Jonathan stared at him. Guilt washed over him as if he somehow prompted that kiss from her. He diverted his eyes and slowly walked out of the room looking at her. He closed the door lightly and walked through the house turning out the lights finally walking back into the night air. After closing the door he leaned against it.

"Jonathan, Bro what do you want me to do?" He looked up at the stars "I'm only a man."

Continued...Part 2
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