---

Random Thoughts on Random Things
by Random People
(compiled by Joseph C. Hinson)

---

"Learn to limit yourself; to content yourself with some definite work; dare to be what you are and learn to resign with a good grace all that you are not; and to believe in your own individuality."
                                                                                -- Freideric Amiel

"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious and anything self-conscious is lousy. You cannot try to do things. You simply must do things."
                                                                                -- Ray Bradbury

"Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75."
                                                                                -- Benjamin Franklin

"Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads."
                                                                                -- Erica Jong

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."
                                                                                -- Mark Twain

"I simply haven't the nerve to imagine a being, a force, a cause which keeps the planets revolving in their orbits and then suddenly stops in order to give me a bicycle with three speeds."
                                                                                -- Quentin Crisp

"Live never to be ashamed if anything you say or do is published around the world, even if what is said is not true."
                                                                                -- Richard Bach, Illusions

You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past."
                                                                                -- Richard Bach, Illusions

"The message that 'love' will solve all of our problems is repeated incessantly in contemporary culture -- like a philosophical tom tom. It would be closer to the truth to say that love is a contagious and virulent disease which leaves a victim in a state of near imbecility, paralysis, profound melancholia and sometimes culminates in death."
                                                                                -- Quentin Crisp

"People marry for a variety of reasons and with varying results. But to marry for love is to invite inevitable tragedy."
                                                                                -- James Branch Cabell

"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did."
                                                                                -- Bette Davis

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."
                                                                                -- Dag Hammarskiold

"Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined."
                                                                                -- Samuel Goldwyn

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
                                                                                -- Woody Allen

"I have no trouble with y enemies. But my god damn friends... they are the ones that keep me walking the floors at night."
                                                                                -- Oscar Levant

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."
                                                                                -- Gary Shandling

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."
                                                                                -- Andre Gide

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week."
                                                                                -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter

"Dad worked hard for us. He provided for us and he certainly didn't want to have to talk to us on top of that."
                                                                                -- Kevin Arnold, "Wonder Years"

"What no wife of a writer understands is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window."
                                                                                -- Burton Roscoe

"As the world gets dumber and dumber, I feel more and more at home."
                                                                                -- Peter McWilliams

"As I speak, I feel so strange, as though my tale came from another life about someone else."
                                                                                -- Ruth F. Eisenberg, Jocasta

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
                                                                                -- W.C. Fields

"Go on thinking that you don't need to be read and you'll find that it may become quite true: no one will feel the need tom read it because it is written for yourself alone; and the public won't feel any impulse to gate crash such a private party."
                                                                                -- Dylan Thomas

"Compare your griefs with those of other men and they will seem less."
                                                                                -- Spanish proverb

"Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart's desire; the other is to get it."
                                                                               -- George Bernard Shaw

"I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being good all the time. That would be hypocrisy."
                                                                                -- Oscar Wilde

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."
                                                                                -- Dennis Miller

"Rock 'n' roll is ridiculous. It's absurd. In the past, U2 was trying to duck that. Now we're wrapping our arms around it and giving it a great big kiss."
                                                                                -- Bono, 1992

"Listen, real poetry doesn't say anything; it just ticks off the possibilities. Opens all doors. You can walk through anyone that suits you."
                                                                                -- Jim Morrison

"To change ones life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly."
                                                                                -- William James

"There is but an inch of difference between a cushioned chamber and a padded cell."
                                                                                -- Gilbert Keith Chesterton

Luke: "Do you believe in an ordered universe?"
Lucy: "This sure as hell is not what I ordered."
Luke: "Right. It's totally random. There's nobody in charge. I don't believe in coincidence, or fate, or fluffy patterns in the sky."
Lucy: ""Here's a good question. You know, if there's this huge order in the universe, then why in the world do we need, say, the metric system, huh? Why do we eat birds, for example? Beautiful, singing, necessary creatures, why do we eat them? Why don't we eat, for example, cats? There's too many of them. We could get rid of them."
Luke: (looks at her strangely)
Lucy: "Never mind."
                                                                                -- "General Hospital"

"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."
                                                                                -- Woody Allen

"When everyone is against you, it means you are absolutely wrong... or absolutely right."
                                                                                -- Albert Guinon

"Any poet, if he is to survive beyond his 25th year, must alter; he must seek new literary influences; he will have different emotions to express."
                                                                                -- T.S. Elliott

"Moral indignation is in most cases 2 percent moral, 48 percent indignation and 50 percent envy."
                                                                                -- Vittorio de Sica

"The founding document of the United States of America acknowledges the Lordship of Jesus Christ because we are a Christian nation."
                                                                                -- Pat Robertson

"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion."
                                                                               -- George Washington, 1796

"The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that He's really pissed off."
                                                                                -- Bob Hope

"Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car."
                                                                                -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter

"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
                                                                                -- Stephen King

"Hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a backup plan though just in case she isn't a cartoon."
                                                                                -- Chandler Bing, "Friends"

"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people got to and the one white people used to go to."
                                                                                -- Chris Rock

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."
                                                                                -- George Bernard Shaw

"If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it."
                                                                                -- Leo Rosten

"I chose and my world was shaken. So what? The choice may have been mistaken; the choosing was not. You have to move on."
                                                                                -- Stephen Soundheim

"Be realistic in business and deluded in everything else. It's the only way to live."
                                                                                -- Edward Quartermaine,
                                                                                                "General Hospital"

"Let us all be happy and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it."
                                                                                -- Artemus Ward

"Do not craze yourself with thinking, but go about your business anyway. Life is not intellectual, but sturdy."
                                                                                -- Emerson

"It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness. Poverty and wealth have both failed."
                                                                                -- Kin Hubbard

"The worst fate of all is freedom and no one to share it with."
                                                                                -- John Loengard, "Dark Skies"

"The fiercest enemy is the man who has nothing left to lose."
                                                                                -- Cigarette Smoking Man,
                                                                                                "The X Files"

"If you don't like what you're doing, you can always pick up your needle and move to another groove."
                                                                                -- Timothy Leary

Victim's Grieving Widow: "Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?"
Detective Drebin: "No, I can't say that I do. I did... uh... live with a guy once, but that was for just a couple of years. The usual slurs, rumors, innuendoes... People just don't understand."
                                                                               -- "Police Squad"

"One of Stephen's favorite themes was that gays and lesbians were survivors of an alien spaceship, and that someday our kind would find us and get us the hell out of here."
                                                                                -- Obituary in Bay Area Reporter

"People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself. But the self is not something one finds; it is something one creates."
                                                                                -- Thomas Szasz

"As a mother, I know that homosexuals cannot biologically reproduce; therefore they must recruit our children."
                                                                               -- Anita Bryant

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses."
                                                                               -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"The Bible is clear about hate: Hate is wrong."
                                                                               -- Bruce Hilton

"Homosexuality is Satan's diabolical attack upon the family that will not only have a corrupting influence upon our next generation, but it will also bring down the wrath of God upon America."
                                                                               -- Jerry Falwell

"During the first period of a man's life the greatest danger is not to take the risk."
                                                                              -- George Eliot

"When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout."
                                                                             -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter

Jerry: "You just met the guy yesterday."
Elaine: "Yeah, but we share a common goal."
Jerry: A barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?"
Elaine: "Yeah."
                                                                                -- "Seinfeld"

"I'll probably meet another guy and have another long relationship. But I can't be too sure of that: my ex-boyfriend has a wife; my ex-girlfriend has a wife, and every time I answer the phone, it's somebody calling to change their mind."
                                                                                -- Johnathan Van Meter

Interviewer: "Ever make a man who could make you happy?"
Mae West: "Several times."

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
                                                                                 -- Socrates

"Never approach a friend's wife or girlfriend with mischief as your goal... unless she's really attractive."
                                                                                -- Dame Rose Macauly

"You don't just marry someone. You marry their childhood, the stuff they're ashamed to tell you about, the monsters under their bed and everything that put them there."
                                                                                -- Lois Quartermaine,
                                                                                                "General Hospital"

Beaver: "Gee, there's something wrong with just about everything, isn't there, Dad?"
Ward: "Just about, Beav."
                                                                                -- "Leave It To Beaver"

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets."
                                                                                -- Jay Leno

"He is the most unpopular politician in America. His favorable rating is only four points higher than the Unabomber."
                                                                                -- Al Franken, 1996,
                                                                                                on Newt Gingrich

"George Bush taking credit for the wall coming down is like the rooster taking credit for the sun rising."
                                                                                -- Al Gore, 1992

During the Reagan Administration, Bob Dole was present at a ceremony that included each living ex-president. Looking at a tableau of Ford, Carter and Nixon, Dole said, "There they are: Hear No Evil, See No Evil and Evil."
                                                                                -- Al Franken, from his book
                                                                                                Rush Limbaugh Is A
                                                                                                Big Fat Idiot

"Something is wrong with America. I wonder sometimes what people are thinking about or if they're thinking at all."
                                                                                -- Bob Dole

"There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America."
                                                                                -- Bill Clinton, 1992

"Clinton's the kind of guy who'll give you one tic-tac."
                                                                                -- Dennis Miller

"This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson. Well let me tell you something; I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine and Governor... You're no Thomas Jefferson!"
                                                                                -- Ronald Reagan, 1992
 

"Ronald Reagan was the greatest president of the twentieth century."
                                                                                -- Rush Limbaugh

"Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing between Richard Nixon and the White House."
                                                                                -- John F. Kennedy, 1960