'Tis the Fucking Season
by Joseph C. Hinson
December 24, 2001

I'm sorry, but I now realize I will never ever understand the Christmas season. Is Jesus really the reason for the season? Or is it all about who gets the most toys? Does anyone even care anymore? Let's face it. It's not about giving or even receiving. It's about Wal Mart and Tommy Hillfiger and American Eagle and the malls and the on-line retailers and all the rest making as much of the green as they can. Money! That's the whole reason for the season. Not there's anything wrong with that. Just tell us what it's for and don't feed us this good cheer, togetherness bullshit.

See, I like normalcy. I like being able to turn A&E on at 1 p.m. and knowing that "Law & Order" is going to be on. I like knowing that if I want something from the store, that's it's going to be open at 7 p.m. Christmas and the holiday season is abnormal. Anytime people are nice to one another when normally they just walk on by, something is terribly wrong. If you're going to be an asshole the other 364 days a year, don't put on a fake smile and be charming and polite to me now. Trust me, I'm still going to be the same anti-social asshole I always am.

If I seem a little like Scrooge, you'll just have to pardon the fuck out of me.

It's not about family. If it were, I wouldn't be sitting here at the computer on Christmas Eve. Ask me what my plans are for this year? No, really ask me! Well, we don't have any plans. Me, my wife and my two kids are spending the time alone. It's not by choice. We just weren't invited anywhere. My sister is in Germany and the rest of my family is dead. Obviously if I had any family that really cared, they would have invited us over. All this talk about unity and all that rot was just that -- talk.

But that's OK. I've never been the family man anyway, have I? Maybe I'm just getting what I deserve. My children are getting what I deserve too. That's wrong. It's not their fault. All they did was to be born to an asshole father like me. So far Sherry and I are practically the only family they know from my side of the tree, aside from their Aunt Amy.

We did go to her sister's house on Saturday. But that was it. It, of course, wasn't actually Christmas or even Christmas Eve. Well, I did visit my family later in the day -- Mom, Dad and Beth, all where they are buried at Memorial Park Cemetery in Lancaster. I did most of the talking.

You know what I hate most about the "holler day" season? It's the damn weather men who, before they give us the forecast, tell us where Santa has been seen at on the radar! Stop it! Just stop it! Santa Claus is not real, you fucking idiot! Don't propagate the lie. I think I know why they do this. It's obvious if you think about it clearly. Weatherman are atheists. Think about. They tell us where Santa is. Then we find out there is no Santa. Meanwhile, we hear that the "reason for the season" is Jesus. Therefore, if Santa is not real, then neither is Jesus. See.

Next on my hate list is god awful gaudy Christmas decorations. We're about to go out and see some of them. Big, 70s-era flashing lights. I mentioned them in a previous rant. Santa and his reindeer are in the front yard. Somehow, they're also on the roof. Then you got a manger scene close-by. One year I'd love to see someone mix the two. Have Santa and Rudolph, the Wise Men, Joseph, Mary and Baby Jesus all in the same scene. But to be fun, we'd have to invite some other guests. Put Lincoln and Washington in with the crowd. Invite Marylin Monroe with the wind blowing up her skirt. Throw in some wax figures of the Beatles from the Sergeant Pepper cover in with some cute dogs and cats. And don't forget Frosty the Snow Puddle. I think that would draw a bit of attention from the neighbors, don't you?

One year, my sister, Beth, and I saw a two story Santa in a front yard on Main Street, Union, South Carolina. That was actually pretty cool.

"Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa... But He's Really Satan!!!"

But, you know, I've had a change of heart. Last year in my rant Yes, Virginia, There Is A Santa. But There's No Such Thing As Jesus. That's Just A Myth (11/30/2000) I wondered what kids think when they find out that there really isn't a Santa. See, we tell our kids about two important figures at Christmas, Santa and Jesus. But at some point, they realize the Big Lie about Santa. What are they supposed to think? We lied to them about Santa for years on end, but Jesus is real. Trust me. It's either incredibly stupid, or there's some reverse psychology at work here that I can't wrap my mind around right now.

But I'm of a different mind now. I can't believe I haven't realized this sooner. See, Santa is really Satan. The Church Lady, God bless her, warned us about this years ago! Were we not listening? Or have we been brainwashed to it now? See, it works like this. We accept that Santa is real and that he gives all the "good children " (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) gifts at Christmas. A lot like Michael Jackson, but without the anal probes.

But then we're told that he really isn't real. Now there's two things at work here now. We are now doubting that Jesus is real while at the same time unable to accept the full, hard truth about Santa. At some point, I fully expect that we will learn that both Santa and Jesus are real, but that Santa is really Satan. And that this whole jolly old fellow gig he's working is so that we will all burn in Hell. Hell is also real by the way.

I don't expect many of you will believe me in this. I just ask that you do your own thinking on the subject. Look at all the evidence again in a new light. Do an on-line search. Just consider the possibility. That's all I'm asking.

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