I'm actually in Pinehurst, North Carolina, the sight of the 1999 PGA Championship for those of you who don't have a life. But I like saying I'm in Aberdeen, which is just a few miles south from where I am. Aberdeen has not one but two interesting and photogenic shortlines, the Aberdeen & Rockfish and the Aberdeen, Carolina & Western. Hamlet, North Carolina is 25 miles south of here. It's the sight of a huge CSX yard, too. I am in the area to do some railroad photography. A few days ago, I saw a dinosaur -- an old Family Lines System loco -- and I was hoping I would see some more this weekend. But now it is raining and I am stuck in my hotel room. I must say, this hotel room is nowhere near as crummy as ones I stayed in on my trip out west, places like the Super 8 near I-40 and I-55 in east Arkansas or the expensive shit hole in Topeka whose name I forget.

Hamlet is not only a major CSX town. Well, let me restate that. Hamlet is nothing but a hell of a lot of railroad tracks and not much else. But Hamlet is known for more than just that. For starters, jazz great John Coltrane was born here and there is still a bar named after him. He must be proud. Also, a decade ago, the owner of a local meat processing plant became famous. I don't remember the name of the place. If I did, I would certainly include it here. He began locking the doors to keep his employees from walking out with free (uncooked) chicken, a big problem, I would imagine. Unfortunately, when the place caught on fire, the locked doors also kept them from getting out and in a panic, 27 people died. Not to mention all that chicken that was lost. I must wonder which loss the man mourns more.

But the time in the room has given me the oppurtunity to think more about my presidency. What? You didn't know. Yes, I have decided to run for the office of leader of the free world. There are, naturally, a few things to consider. First, a candidate for president must be 35 years old. Which means I still have a few years to get my house in order. Next to think about is the fact that no one knows me. So I'd have to start low. I figure I could run for City Council of Rock Hill. Or, if I want to start bigger, I could run for dog catcher.

Realistically, I think I should wait until I am at least 50. By then, I'd have been governor of this great state and perhaps even junior senator. Yep. Me and Strom Thurmond representing my state from opposite ends of the political spectrum. Me, a vibrant, charismatic Democrat with new ideas and a fresh perspective; Strom, a racist old Republican now cryogenically frozen.

But it is never too early to think about the issues that will mean the most to me and my candidacy. So, if you'll allow ne, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about the issues that I will make a cornerstone of my run for president. There is no order to these thoughts. If there was, that would mean I would have already hired a speech writer. Which I haven't. That will come right after I get a tasty intern or two.

The Issues:

The first thing I would do is to legalize all drugs. And prostitution. Let's be honest, here, my fellow Americans and any Republicans that may be reading this, the War on Drugs has been an utter and complete failure. Maybe not to the degree that "trickle down economics" was. But still, it's been bad. If I had a research assistant, I'd have her look up who said the following: "You can no more win a war than you can win a tornado." So true. And does it not concern you when you think that we have someone in this country called a Drug Czar? I think he's called a czar because the War on Drugs replaced the War on Communism as the unofficial religion in this country. We must never forget that drugs come into this country by commies.

Anyway, I'm getting off my point. Which is that the first thing my administration would do is to legalize all drugs and prostitution. There would naturally be a task force and likely some Congressional hearings on the way to best do this. Obviously, there would be a great deal of governmental regulation involved to keep everyone in line and healthy. But just imagine telling your family you are off to the drug store for some headache stuff and a vial of crack.

As for the prostitution, most of the strip clubs could easily be converted into whorehouses. Just think about it. Now when the stripper tells you there'll be sex in the VIP room, you'll know she's NOT just saying that! As a hot blooded Democrat, I can not begin to tell yo how great that would be.

Oh, I'd also legalize gambling. Get rid of ALL consensual crimes and let the police do what they should be doing now. Which is ridding the streets of rapists, murderers (all violent offenders) and telemarkerters.

My next issue is a relatively simple one. There will be no more prepaying at gas stations. If you pull up to a pump, you will be assured that it will go back to all zeros and that you will be able to dispense the product without even having to look for the cashier through the windows, much less having to go inside first. To ensure that there will not be any theft, I would increase the penalty if one got caught. First, there would be jail time involved. Second, if you drive off without paying for your gas, we'll put a cup of sugar in your gas tank. It's only fair.

On a related note, I'd set speed limits so that a limit is the LEAST one could do on that road. David Letterman once said that traffic signals are only rough guidelines. Which is the idea behind my version of the speed limit. Like saying, Look, 55 is what we would do on this road. If you can safely do more, within reason, then go ahead. But be prepared to suffer the consequences. Which would mostly be pain, broken bones, lost teeth and possible death. However, if you don't do the at least suggested speed limit, then you're going to get a ticket. And a cup of sugar tank in your gas tank. It's only fair.

Oh, the Confederate Flag would also come down from the State House here in South Carolina. I know that would cause an uproar. It would be seen as a president overstepping his authority. Frankly, if the rednecks of my home state didn't like it, they could secede. The flag should never have been raised. By the way, a trivia question, when was the flag raised above the State House? Was it 1862 at the height of the Civil War? Or was it 1962 at the height at the civil rights movement? Read on for the answer.*

Now I know I said legalizing all consensual crimes would be my first act as president, but I have rethought my position. It would be my second act. My first act would be to abolish the death penalty. It is time we stop killing people. What we are doing when we kill someone is nothing short of state sanctioned murder. Let me ask you something. If your name was picked at random to either pull the power or to push the plunger on a convicted death row inmate, would you be able to do it? Phil Donahue once said that it is time we start airing electrocutions in this country. Naturally, people were appalled. How could he propose such a thing? And I do not know why he said it. One can imagine his desire to do a talk show on death row with the inmate there and the family of the victim.

But the more I have thought about it, the more I believe that we should broadcast someone being put to death. We could make it like the Super Bowl. Start he pregame show two hours before the death. Explain everything pertinent to the case, from the life of the felon, to the life of the victim and the reaction of everyone involved. And then get a lawyer or two on a panel and discuss the ramifications of everything that happened in this case. And then, we see a guy in orange being led by a couple of fat prison guards down a bleak hallway. Then, we see the man being strapped into his chair, a close up of his eyes as he tries to be strong.....

Well, you get the point. It is my strongest belief that if the people who are so strongly for capital punishment actually HAD to watch one, their opinions would change automatically. If if they saw a man be put to death and their opinion did not change, then there must be something wrong with them. Maybe their hearts are too hard. Or maybe they're just fucking morons.

The death penalty has got to go people. Now. I recently heard that 12 out of 24 death row inmates have been released in some mid western state because they were fond to be innocent. Think about this. One out of every two convicted of murder and sentenced to death were innocent. One out of two! I hate to think about how many innocent people have been put to death in this country since the death penalty was reinstated in the 1970s. If it is oe person, it is one person to many.

The death penalty has got to go.

Man, I started this rant as some sort of whacked joke. And now I'm just mad. I didn't imagine that happening. But we put people in jail for smoking weed. We put people in jail for having consensual sex with another consenting adult. We kill people because our legal system says they are murderers. What the hell are we thinking? Are we insane?

When I am elected president, all of this will change. I feel your pain. Good night and God bless you all!
 
 

Joseph C. Hinson
 
 

* The Confederate Flag was raised over the State House in Columbia, South Carolina in 1962, one hundred years after the War Between The States. Many people to this day see this as nothing lesss than a message to the civil rights movement that the Good Ole Boys in South Carolina were alive and well and not about to give up their time honored racism and bigotry. Afterall, their ancestors had fought to keep slavery legal.

Governor Hodges, take the flag down. Show some fortitude to do what is right and proper. Isn't it past time?
 

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