While my life has been somewhat unique, I'm happy to have
had the experiences that have made me who I am. Not wishing gender issues
on anyone, I can only accept what I've got and make the best of who I am.
Once I was old enough to realize that I was somehow
different, the confusion and illusion began. I had to hide the behaviors
and feelings that I naturally felt. This is hard enough on an adult, let
alone a child of 7 or 8. Throughout puberty and adolesence, I began constructing
an outer shell that was more acceptable and expected of the physical appearance
of my body. Not knowing any better, I thought I was totally unique and that
noone else could have possibly felt the internal conlicts that I was fighting.
Growing up through high school and college, I was able to get by with a
normal appearing young adulthood. I was always popular and had alot of friends,
none who knew of my inner conflicts. I was always able to temporarily escape
and express my true self, albeit for short periods of time. Luckily, I had
the blanket of the counterculture to 'mask' some of my behaviors, as well.
While constantly struggling to deny my self acceptance,
I found that I was able to suppress my feelings if I could absorb myself
in a more culturally accepted activity. For me, this was music. I was able
to become so absorbed that I could escape from the pressures I felt both
internally and externally. Needless to say, I became quite proficient and
had a wonderful carreer as a professional musician. Music is still very
important to me, but now it's an extension and a creative outlet, as opposed
to a tool to block out my presonal feelings.
Like most gender dysphorics, I went through an
endless series of purges and denials. I mistakenly thought that throwing
away my wardrobe and engaging in 'macho' behavior would clear my mind of
the feelings I was struggling with. For people such as myself, we have to
learn on our own, that transsexualism isn't defined by the clothes that
you wear or even the size of your breasts. It's psychological, rooted solely
in one's mind. Appearances are only an outer shell and can be drastically
different from an individual's true inner self. What is different amongst
us, is what we choose to do about, and act upon these internal feelings.
In 1995, I decided that to really understand and
deal with myself, I would have to be free from the outside influence of
others. This meant moving from the Northeast to Southern California. I found
this necessary to be able to really decide how I was going to spend the
rest of my life and deal with my true inner feelings.
Looking back, subconciously I knew what I was going
to do, but I had no idea on how to proceed with things. I spent alot of
time trying to find the answers from the beautiful waves and immaculate
sunsets of San Diego. I can remember a turning point. I was in Laguna Beach.
It was an unusually overcast day, and I was completely alone on a huge deserted
beach. I had just opened my book, and all of a sudden, the answer or plan
just became totally apparent. I didn't know how I was going to do it, but
I had a clear path and felt a calm tranquility on living for my true self.
From there on in, it just became a matter of planning the logistics and
finding the courage to live out my actions.
Last summer (1997), I decided that I needed to
be in a more tolerant enviroment to do what was necessary. After having
finally made a few friends and contacts who knew me for who I really am,
I made the painful decision to move once again; this time to San Francisco.
I chose SF for a couple of reasons. Namely the tolerance of the community
towards individualism and the number of resources for transgendered people.
However, it's not easy to realistically find an apartment in a city with
a .05% vacancy rate, especially if you don't reside in the area. Listings
are posted, then filled in a matter of hours. After about four months of
flying up to the Bay Area and countless dollars spent, I finally found a
decent
apartment, in a good location, and a reasonable rent. Wow, did I get lucky...
December 9th, I spent my first night in my new place, although the rest
of the month was spent waiting for the movers, getting settled, etc. Which
brings me to the present....
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and Future |