Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
A: Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of water out the window.
(An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a party
or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's
a fish !")
Q: How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: surrealist.
Q: How many modern artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds of them in
a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue light bulbs to a cocker
spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the socket and fill the room with light
while all the critics and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs
against the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
(what goes clink-clink-clink, ow-woooo?)
Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
... and one to change the bulb.
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
Q: How many rock stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. Rock stars only screw in jacuzzis.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "And that's magic !"
Q: How many Will Rogers' does it take to change a dead light bulb?
A: None. He never met a dead light bulb he didn't like.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
(Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly nonexistent).
Q: How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Q: Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his
greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it,
and one to maintain it afterwards.
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
A: It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules
to do unit testing, it stops working.
A: The change is 90% complete.
A: We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to
maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait
two months?
A: Only one, but she's not available. She's the only programmer we
have who can get the [insert name here] software ready to ship
to customers, and that's higher priority, you know.
A: Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer
to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one
lightbulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users
who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which
point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...
A: Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was
a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.
A: None. "It's not a bug, it's a feature."
A: Trick question. Programmers don't do hardware. (same answer really as
"None. It's a hardware problem.")
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in,
and two to explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've
brought with them.
Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the
light bulb in question.
Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2
bulb (or below), one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the
potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert
channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. [See
also the "Orange Book"]
Q: How many Systems Assurance testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. We just noticed the room was dark. We don't fix the problems, we
just find them.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
A: One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
Q: How many unix programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but if you forget to tell him "2>" he'll mash both the live and
dead bulbs into the same socket at once.
Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!
Q: How many UNIX system vendors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. All of the lightbulbs you have are 'standard variants' and as such
won't fit your particular implementation of the socket.
(However you do have the source code for your socket, so .....)
Q: How many software vendors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: You have to do it yourself, pay them $99 for the privilege, and
re-wire your sockets to suit the new bulb.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many VMS heads does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: All of them, and they will all scream at you in unison and tell you that
the only lightbulb you can use is a 100-watt soft white but you can use
any 100-watt soft white as long as it's manufactured by DEC.
A: "Errr... Well, I've got a patch that I could apply to it, but if you can
just wait till next year, it'll all be fixed when we upgrade to lightbulb
version 6.1..."
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "We'll document it in the manual."
Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first
Q: How long does it take a C programmer to screw in a light bulb?
A: 24 hours - 3 minutes to put in the bulb, the rest of the time to compile
all the libraries...
Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.00000000001
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise
20 goto 10
Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his
light-bulb in THEIR socket.
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: False.
Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
[Notes: LISP is a recursive programming language. One problem LISP
programmers have to contend with is infinite recursion.
(cf computer dictionary entry: RECURSION - see recursion)
These lisp heads are usually research AI types and their standard answer is as
in the punchline. IT COULD BE IMPROVED:
A: (((H)mmm,) (I'm ((not) sure, better))) (find (out))... ]
Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many?
A: It depends : -
If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice
as many as are currently available.
If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant
of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows.
If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the
bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using
PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the
user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for
changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a
spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user
to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure
(prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT
which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve
different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and
prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb
into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to
explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we'll pay
to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we'll do if our site
sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to
explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an
incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert
new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is
fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into
a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front
end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little
speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that
management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to
prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking
credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well
as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second
SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of
light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs
(made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and
background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten
to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to
ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.
A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.
A: Please let us know!
A: That depends; what color is the bulb?
A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That
needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,
and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a *hardware* problem...
A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals
doesn't tip over.
A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15
manuals on the shelf.
A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!
A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the (validity
of the) output.
A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.
(Notes: I presume the above refers to some programming language called SAS ?)
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
(Notes : I don't do APL but I think a primitive is a procedure that is included
as a part of the language. You don't have to write code ("hack") to do it.)
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: "The user can work it out."
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.
Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be
working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."
A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.
Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.
Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things
wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,
and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this
number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon
as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician
before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.
Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week. You'd've
thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger
about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ? *Blush*
Q: How many PC users does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.
Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card
first, which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince
them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
(Notes : This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under certain
circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the
end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few
months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it
public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces
the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one
statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice
it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)
Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.
A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert
the new one.
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the
bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look
and feel" of the bulb changing method.
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old
sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.
A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to
wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.
A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?
(Notes : On the Macintosh, certain types of crashes can sometimes be
attributed to not-quite-compatible extensions. One way to find out if one
of the extensions is at fault in a crash is to reboot with extensions off
and see if it crashes again.)
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!
A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.
(thus combining the themes of elephant jokes and lightbulb jokes...)
(any improvements on these answers will be gratefully received...)
Q: Why did the lightbulb cross the road ?
A: Because it saw 2 elephants coming.
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.
A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.
Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?
(Notes : Refers to the previous answer.)
Q: How many medflies does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None: they do it in the fruit.
(Notes : Medflies are very small flies (drosophila, I think) who eat,
mate and lay their eggs in ripe fruit.)
Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.
Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.
Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go!
A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!
Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change
the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.
Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.
A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per
family to save electricity.
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and
brag about it in the pub afterwards.
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one
to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the
bulb and screw it in.
Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it...
Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and
one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive
Christmas tree decoration.
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom
person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2
starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and
tell us he's doing it all wrong.
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it
better without the lightbulb."
Q: How many Jocks (disk jockeys) does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. That's a tech job.
[that joke is a *lot* funnier if you know a little bit about the
wonderful world of commercial radio. Suffice it to say that it is a
highly unionized environment, and there is always a little friendly (?)
bickering between the technicians and the jocks. :-)]
Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen
in on the guest list.
A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around
and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they
know the guy who owns the socket.
Tourist:
Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a lightbulb ?
Welsh Choir:
No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...
Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other
how they could have done it better.
Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.
Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under
her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for _you_ dear."
(That laughter you hear is from the Alto Section.)
Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal
chords. Have the bassist do it."
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect
YOU to understand.
Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the
loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with
the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.
Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how
good the old one was.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.
Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything
to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance
they want to do.
Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.
Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it
to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the
dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the
remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.
Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don't get up that high.
Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how
much better Michael Brecker would have done it.
A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.
Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how
David Sanborn would've done it.
Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?"
A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish (as in the
ubiquitous surrealists joke,) but in fact the answer was only 2, but first
they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it. Apparently this
would be hilarious to fans of these groups, who believe Marillion to be
Genesis copycats.
Q: How many members of Take That does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can
change a lightbulb?
Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
that's not the way EARL (Scruggs) would have done it.
Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've
done that !"
A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a
bit differently.
Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are
trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.
A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.
A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.
A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first
Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."
A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.
A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if
you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "
A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new
model bulb out which is much better.
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."
(With apologies for some slight overlapping of the answers here.)
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't
just be pushed in.
A: One, but only after asking "Why?"
A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after
they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
A: None. They have a machine that does that now.
A: 10. One to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham
(or Steve Gadd) would have done it !
A: One .. Two, and a-one two three four
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way
Bill Monroe would have done it.
A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it
again anyway after everybody else is done.
A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a lightbulb there and
the other to play harp.
A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb, and four to play sad, blue songs
about the old, wornout lightbulb.
Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck
Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck...
getting stuck...
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'
in the wind.
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
A: Four. "Why four?" I just recon it to be about four, pal.
A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.
(Notes: refers to punk pastime of arguing about whether the first punk
band was The Sex Pistols, The Damned, or The Dead Kennedys etc.)
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to
put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing
that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the
floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and
so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to
buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way,
they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily
trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of
special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his
long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by
crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least
*sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers
what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the
squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is
just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the
lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the
dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers
gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that
makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed
lightbulb in its mouth.
Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
(Notes : Could someone please tell me if this is referring to anything...)
Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.
Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take
collections in the bulb's name.
Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we
may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest!
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
(Notes: sorority is the female version of brotherhood. And the joke is that
during sorority rush, the sisters all greet their new would-be pledges by
standing out on the house steps and singing. You have to have been an
American undergraduate to really appreciate that one.)
Q: How many frat (fat will do) guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit.
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
(Commentary from an American on the last two : - "Frat" is short for
"fraternity." In college, many undergraduate males join a fraternity; girls
join sororities. There are many reasons for this, the most common being the
"better" social life associated with the Greek system in general. (The Greek
system encompasses both fraternities and sororities.) "Frat guys" are
stereotypically viewed as being stupid, sexist, party animals. "Sorority
chicks" are seen as materialistic and promiscuous dim-wits. There are a lot of
other sterotypes for both. I hope that this clears up any confusion.)
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in
states that still have car-inspection laws.)
A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light
bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it
it was politically correct.
Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have council fires instead.
(Commentary from an American : "Native Americans" here doesn't refer to just
any native American, it refers to American Indians. No, not people from India
who live in America, but the modern descendants of the aboriginal peoples of
the American continents. With me so far? A "council fire" is a social event for
these people, or for Boy Scouts, that is modeled after a practice that may or
may not have been common among certain tribes of the American Northeast. As to
why someone thinks this is a joke, I just don't know.)
Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean,
er, the lightbulb.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?
Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's
screwing it in the wrong way.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.
Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to
revolve around him.
Q: How many roadies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !
A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."
A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it
with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to
bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb
fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest
of the band.
Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who
was only there to look at the light. (Deadhead = Fan of The Grateful Dead.)
Q: How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the
burnt-out one!! (Comment from me - Nice one !)
Q: How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.
(Explanation : Frank Zappa (being a jazz musician (among other styles))
commented on contemporary jazz: "Jazz is not dead--it just smells funny.")
Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering
"ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on
the new one.
(But did they change it for health or philosophical reasons ?)
Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer (or
similar) and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer (Thorn
Lighting) is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing
software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to
buy the new one.
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were
going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.
A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like
organising each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.
Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half
an hour while the others read out all the announcements.
Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask
Michio Kushi for instructions.
Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the
ambulance.
Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think
beautiful thoughts.
Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.
(with eternal thanks to David Cutmore for this timeless classic.)
Q: How many dinosaurs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to
evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in. :)
Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open
plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.
Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a lightbulb ?
(cue typical accent, shoulders hunched...)
A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying
yourselves.....
A: None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be
bothered to do a simple thing like change a lightbulb for them,
and after all they've done for you...
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back.
Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady.
Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.
Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the
packaging.
Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one
to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they
should join the Lightbulbs Union first and then what to call the new
lightbulb - (the Nelson Mandela lightbulb ?), one to put it in...
and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...
Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they have their parents do it for them.
Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?
Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail,
and ten to demonstrate on the streets.
Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.
Q: How many law students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and announce "Huh ! When I'm around the rulebook gets
defenestrated !" and the other to complain about the hipopotamonstrosesqi
(can't remember the end of this word) end of his friend's last remark.
Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to
change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That's a second year subject.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
$100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
incredibly vital question.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand
around wondering why they weren't chosen.
A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
(Notes: The joke is that getting into med school is extremely competitive.)
Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.
Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.
A: One if at home, but on school time, four.
A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a
million to pick up the pieces.
Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors (advisors) does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Only one; but every time they see a lightbulb they have an irresistible
urge to change it!
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to
bill the government for the house.
Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to
organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo
Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That's what research students are for.
A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many sheep does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks
for a new one.
Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd
really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with
other men.
A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because
it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.
Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"
A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead.
A: Hey, don't let's talk about the lightbulb, honey, let's talk about
the shade !
A: Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Sixty-nine.
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.
A: Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.
Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Who needs lights ?"
A: None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.
Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: As many as possible, and don't *ask* what they do with the old bulb.
Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they
wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh
Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
Q: How many women does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: (It's a very simple task, so...) None. "It's a man's job."
A: None, they all get electrocuted trying to excite the socket.
A: Three: one to take out the old one, one to sweep up the broken glass and
another to phone her boyfriend to put the new one in.
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
A: 100. One to change it, and 99 to wring their hands and agonize about how
oppressed the socket is.
A: How old-fashioned. The other 99 are there to lobby Congress to outlaw
crimes against sockets -- and to say the bulb-changer is not a
representative of mainstream feminism.
A: Who cares as long as one of 'em sucks my cock.
A: 11. One to DO IT ALL BY HERSELF!!!! And 10 to form a survivors of darkness
support group!
A: Seven. One to change the lightbulb, three to protest the offense committed
by the lightbulb in regards to the socket, two to secretly wish they were
the socket, and one to secretly wish she was the lightbulb.
A: Three - one to do it, the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a
third of the way in.
A: None. It's not the lightbulb that needs changing.
A: Five, four to try like men and fail miserably, one to find a female
electrician, settle for a man and picket as he works.
A: Two - one to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
A: Two - one to change it and one to threaten to do a Lorena Bobbitt on any
man who tries to interfere.
A: Three - one to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual implications.
A: "Hey man, screwing objectifies the LB"
A: 50,000 marching on Ottawa (or Washington) demanding the LB be changed!
A: That depends. If there is money in it, it takes 10 women-only-government-
contractors working 2 years at a salary of $50,000 per year.
Otherwise, it's traditionally expected for the man to do it.
A: Ten: To form a university funded protest committee to research how the
white male patriarchy conspires to keep women and minorities in the dark.
A: Two. One to threaten that as a mother, she will be unable to provide her
children light without federal assistance; and a N.O.W. attorney to ask
the Justice Department to sue GE for allowing the bulb to go out in the
first place.
A: Nobody knows. But everyone knows that women and minorities
will suffer more than anyone else because it's dark.
A: None. Women have a supreme court, constitionally protected
right to work in the dark if they choose to.
A: It's sexual harassment to even SUGGEST jokingly on the net that
a woman SCREW in anything. This posting will be banned by the FCC.
A: One. But if the bulb IS replaced, the job will go to a minority
or woman contractor.
A: 30,000 to start a letter writing campaign protesting Newt Gingrich
cutting off funds for the Federal Light Bulb Changing Agency...
A: Three. One to screw it in, and two to file a sexual harrassment
lawsuit on behalf of the bulb.
A: Two. One to wait for a federal agency to send someone to screw it in.
Another to file harassment charges against the men possibly
looking at her in the dark.
A: Feminists don't screw at all. That's what sperm banks are for!
A: If a feminist does screw in a light bulb, it will be up to the government
or the father to support any children resulting from such a sexual act.
She will also require free day care for the light bulb children and federal
funding for studies of how light-bulb children should be treated under
affirmative action hiring quotas.
A: Unknown. But the federal government's welfare reform will limit the
number of free light bulbs a woman can receive to under 2 years supply.
A: One. But if she was a WHITE MALE (like Donald Trump), she would be
able to replace the light bulb much easier.
A: One. And when she replaces it, she will think of Mother Earth and use a
fluorescent lamp designed to last 3 times longer and protect the
environment... But if a man isn't paying for it, then she will use
the cheapest one.
A: Two, one to change it and one to tell her she did a really good job.
A: That's not funny, abusive white male aggressor!!
A: One! And it's not funny! (stamping foot)
Q': How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny!
(Notes: Radcliffe is the all-women's college near Harvard that used to be where
women went before Harvard went co-ed. Since then it has earned a reputation for
militant feminism as it has remained all-female. The joke is on feminists'
supposed failure to laugh along at deprecatory remarks.)
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: Why did the `Real Man' sit in the dark?
A: He couldn't find a new light bulb and was too embrassed to ask.
Q: How many George Smillivitches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, becouse tough girls aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it,
and one of them can change the bulb while he's at it.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but you have to nag him for a fortnight first.
A: One, and one more to change it, and one more to keep track of how many
there are, and a woman to soothe their minds and provide wax jobs.
A: None. Men don't screw-in lightbulbs; they think they can turn them on
just by rubbing up against them.
A: Four. One to do the job and three to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.
A: One -- men will screw anything.
Q: How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
A: None. They have the girls do it.
A new joke everyday. Soon I will setup the archive of jokes.
To start To more lightbulbs
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