Q: How many new men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to hold the baby.
A: None. The consensus of opinion appears to be that there is no such
thing as a genuine new man, and in any event, the media, who like
telling us what we all like, have declared that women don't really go
for new men anyway, but instead prefer more masculinity nowadays.
Q: How many new romantics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to say "Wow, what an amazing concept, man !"
Q: How many VMM members does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They don't turn up for anything any more. (A little bit of
bitterness there from Brian.)
A: Eleven. One to remove the old one and ten to stand around discussing
what they all want to do next.
(Notes : VMM=Vegetarian Matchmakers, a singles group where nobody ever
puts their foot down and demands that anyone should do anything.)
Q: How many new-agers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to actually do it, and nine to stand around going "Hmmm well I
don't really mind who does it. I mean, I COULD do it, but of course I
woudn't want to impose my will upon anyone else..."
A: Two. One to change it & one to check the new one for bad psychic auras.(and
optionally another dozen to perform the dance of the renewal of the light.)
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to check the astrology.
A: Two. One to change it and one to work out whether it'll work in the future.
Q: How many visitors to an art gallery does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 2. One to do it and one to say "Huh ! My four-year old could've done that!"
Q: How many fine artists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.
Q: How many French farmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Farmer #1 goes away and gets a new lightbulb. Farmer #2 notices
that it has been imported from Britain and promptly sets fire to it, so
farmer #1 has to go and get another one, and then farmer #3 changes it.
(Notes: Topical to French farmers setting fire to imported British sheep.)
Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.
Q: How many white trash pickup truck driven cheap beer drinkin cable tv
pirating obnoxious belchin americanos does it take to screw in a LIGHTBULB.
A: None, they wouldn't have noticed it needed changing. Even if they did
they'd get someone else to do it.
A: One, but he'll be too busy touting the superiority of the soft white
variety over all others.
Q: How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: The question is irrelevant since you can never find anyone that admits to
being a racist even if you knew how many you were looking for. Instead,
they tend to say things like "Well I'm not a racist, BUT ....."
Q: How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a lightbulb out over here."
Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, none ... they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
Q: How many Beverly hills realtors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: one to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
(Notes : Realtor is a person who deals in real-estate, the joke refers to the
many arabs who are moving to high-class neigbourhoods in the United States.)
Q: How many Beverly Hills residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they have a service come in and do that.
Q: How many Austinites/Berkeleyites/Boulderites does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to talk about how much
better it was in the Sixties.
Q: How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None of your f***ing business and have a nice day.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh Wow!"
A: Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub and discuss
the environmental impact.
A: Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience.
(I also heard this joke told about new-agers.)
(This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of
students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that
only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch
had crowded round to watch - sharing the experience of him doing the work.)
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she
is familiar with.
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the
problem to the previous question.
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Weiner, Matthew P., [11485@ucbvax], "Re: YALBJ", 1986
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist,
one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
(Notes: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam
papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers,
it depends on whether the lightbulb is negatively or positively screwed.)
Q: How many yuppies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to mix the gin n tonics, and one to phone the electrician.
(Firstly, yuppies nowadays drink expensive imported lagers...)
(Secondly, this is meant to be told about Sloane Rangers, but
most people didn't seem to have a clue what that meant so I changed it.)
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' damn business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
A: Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
A: 21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without trying to stop it.
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to
replace it after the ensuing publicity.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder
steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the
other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a
coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way
of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with
the yuppies.
Q: How many British trades unionists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They cannot interfere with the lightbulb's inalienable right to
withdraw its labour.
Q: How many politically correct people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Why should we impose our values on the lightbulb ? If it wishes to
be a lightbulb of no light, we should respect its uniqueness and
individuality."
Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
Q: How many small-town people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and a cop to make sure he isn't doing it too fast.
Q: How many suburbanites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to look like every other light bulb on the block.
Q: How many residents of country towns does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: None, they're afraid there's been too much development already.
Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which
obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years
will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and
replace them.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
A: None, you just hold it up and it glows by itself.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be
done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
A: If you know how many, you can't know if they've done it yet.
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they
come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.
A: The probability that the light bulb will actually be changed
in any time interval is independent of how long you've been waiting.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to
design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and
screw itself in.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
(Notes: Valley Girls is a term used to describe a category of young females
from certain parts of California who are noted among other things for using
vast quantities of previously non-existent slang.)
Q: How many Essex Girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw in Cortinas.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many veterinarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes
ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Q: How many dentists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to extract the lightbulb,
and one to offer the socket some vile pink mouthwash.
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round
to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it
anyway, and it will only cause you trouble later.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.
Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They just give the dead bulb some exercises to do and hope it will
be working a bit better the next time they see it.
(I made this one up, based on my own experience of NHS injury fixing.)
Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.
(From the Daily Mail.)
Q: How many NHS hospital staff does it take to change a lightbulb ?
("funny" version)
A: Six. One to diagnose the problem, one to take an X-ray, one to wheel in the
replacement on a trolley, one to apply an anaesthetic, one to do the
delicate operation, and one to examine the late bulb in a post-mortem.
(Allegedly true version - believe it if you will.)
A: Six. Person (1) reports bulb is not working and requests a new one.
Department supervisor (2) sends order form to maintenance department.
Maintenance department clerk (3) decides whether to make it priority case.
Job booked. Supervisor (4) decides whether it should be done individually
or with other jobs. Order is placed in maintenance man's pigeonhole.
Maintenance man (5) fills in ticket describing job. He picks up the parts
needed. He goes to scene of faulty lightbulb. He fits bulb or discovers he
cannot mend light. He returns to department and reports back. He completes
work ticket putting this in writing. Work ticket is checked by maintenance
department to see whether order carried out. Then checked to see task
completed in time set out under department guidelines. Ticket filed. Member
of department (6) checks ticket against department work plan. Details go
into department's workload report.
Three more allegedly true stories : - (I'm sure there's a moral somewhere...)
While in Poland, a friend needed a light bulb replaced in his hotel
room. He called the front desk and several minutes later three men
arrived to perform the task.
It really happened to me 2 years ago in one of the best hotels in Bukarest,
Romania. I was led to a room with no light. No bulbs. After complaining, I
was shown another room, rather than having the bulb replaced. The new room
did have lights on the ceiling, but the nightlights near the bed were out.
So I complained again, and they sent someone up to do it. He brought a
functioning new lamp identical to the one next to the bed. Then he removed
the bulb from the new lamp, screwed it into the old lamp, took the new lamp
and left. I was rather stunned...
Here is a true story with a slightly different spin.
Several of my librarian colleagues and I were gathered by the reference
desk chatting. A professor approached and asked "What's going on? I've never
seen so many librarians at one time."
"We're changing a lightbulb." replied one of my colleagues.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many body builders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to say "Man, you've got huge muscles !"
(Apparently body builders admire each other's muscles.)
Q: How many Cosmopolitan readers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Two, one to change the light-bulb and one to have an orgasm with the
old one.
Q: How many Sun readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
A: None, but one is enough to screw up the joke.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Duh.... whats a lightbulb???
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer
it with the lights off.
Q: How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: We don't know yet. No [ethnic] has ever tried to attempt this
complex (by [ethnic] standards) technical feat.
Q: How many strong [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many poltergeists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to unscrew the old bulb and drop it on the floor, one to put the
new bulb in, and one to move a few more things about just for good measure.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
Q: How may Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved
over many years by small steps,
o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any
form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their
place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of
their choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference,
and
o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop
itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is
the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory
criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single
candle instead of cursing the darkness.
Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sod it, we're all gonna die anyway.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over
whether or not the lightbulb exists.
A: Define "lightbulb".................
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
A: None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely euthanized.
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do
anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each
phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from
radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently
with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out
others' mistakes (_what_ is said is not as important as saying it
correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they
are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to
form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree
on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who
believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more
emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that
numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the BS
and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all
the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure
that it really does add up to 66.
Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have
changed it to "light bulb".
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They're never in the dark.
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to fix an atheist?
A: It doesn't matter. They wouldn't glow anyway.
(Notes : Many icons and other religious artworks describe christian
saints and biblical figures glowing with light.)
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
(Notes : This would probably be funny to someone who knows about Zen Buddhism.
Perhaps main the joke is that a Zen master doesn't do anything, he just IS. Zen
masters always have those ancient wise sayings for every situation (2nd
answer). 3rd and 4th answers refer to the Zen philosophy of life, on which I'm
no expert. 5th answer I guess refers to the deep wisdom they claim to have.)
Q: How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four - One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of those.
Q: How many Boddhisattvas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - "If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will"
Q: How many Hindus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to do the puja.
(Notes: PUJA is a religious ceremony.)
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it
would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.
Q: How many Islamic fundamentalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 300 million --- one to take out the old one, the rest to look for
Salman Rushdie in the dark.
Q: How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
Q: How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hari Krishna."
Q: How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they provide their own illumination.
A: Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in, and another to repent.
A: Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
bulb last rites.
A: They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent
for lightbulb changing.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
A: 200!!! 100 to sit in church and pray long sonorous prayers for it to see
the light again, 10 to stand on street corners and point out to others how
that if they don't accept what they're being told, their light might go out
as well, 3 to try and exorcise the demon of darkness out of the lightbulb,
2 to gather together in "the name of the lord" because where two or more
are gathered together in "his" name....., 10 to write to the alt.satanism
newsgroup to inform them that one of their own lights is having trouble
paying the electric bill (as if that'll convince us all to change our
beliefs), 74 to try and convince it to publicly "admit" its sins so the
lord can make it bright again, and 1 true idiot telling the lightbulb that
if it really wants to be saved that all it has to do is accept some paper
god and pledge it 10% of its income and at least 1 day a week of time and
at least insult and generally bug 5+ people a day recounting how "I used
to be a satanist" (no, really - gasp) and now I've found the light. Yes, do
all of this - and the light will just, by the will of god, come back on -
unless god is just "testing" the lightbulb, then it may stay dark forever.
Q: How many Christian fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
[The next 2 items were forwarded to me by someone who found them on some
religious humour mailing list.]
> No, in fact it takes several dozen Episcopalians. They form a committee that
> meets weekly to discuss the project and, if unusually expeditious, within 18
> months will have remanded the project to the building and grounds committee.
Of course, I can't speak for Episco-******-palians, but down here in the
Anglican Church of Australia, we do it thus:
Light-bulb changing is placed on the agenda of the National Synod, where
much heat is generated (no light --- the bulb needs changing) in discussion
of the sex and status of light-bulb changers. The anglo-catholics insist
that God has devolved the sacramental office of light-provider (see Genesis
1) onto the ordained male priests of His Church. The evangelicals from the
diocese of Sydney agree that light-bulb changing is the proper province of
males, since the Bible states that not a few virgins (female) allowed
their lamps to go out, thus proving that women can't be trusted in the
realm of illumination. However, they disagree about the exclusion of male
laiety, arguing that since lay-persons are allowed to mend fuses, a
function closely related to the provision of light, there is no reason why
they shouldn't go the whole hog and change the bulb as well.
AWFUL (Anglican Women For Unlimited Light) demonstrates outside the
building, and the debate makes the national daily papers.
Some pragmatists occupying the middle ground suggest that the changing of
light-bulbs is so urgent and time-consuming, and the arguments of the two
factions so debatable, that as an interim measure lay-persons, perhaps
including women, should be permitted to change light-bulbs under the
supervision of a male priest, while the issue is referred to a committee to
report the following year. This is tabled as a motion; however a cautious
evangelical proposes an ammendment to the effect that no light-bulbs shall
be changed until the committee has reported. The ammendment is passed;
the motion as ammended is passed.
The committee never reports, as it meets at night in a church hall
with a faulty light-bulb.
Meanwhile AWFUL and various altar guilds, church cleaners and
Anglican women's groups around the country separately set about laying in
stocks of candles and lighting them wherever needed.
Then the day was saved when a servant-evangelism group from a local
evangelical church showed up while on a light-bulb-changing outreach
project and changed it for them...
Q: How many Politically Correct Clergy does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Politically Correct Clergy do not change light bulbs. They ban
light bulb jokes.
Q: How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Don't know - I didn't let them in to find out.
A: None. There is no point trying to change anything now. God will be
replacing the whole house real soon, but nobody knows quite when.
Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.
Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change
light bulbs too.
A: One, and thirty natives to see the light.
Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed
socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw
right they would not be hunters.
Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off
the carpet and the chair he was standing on.
Q: How many police does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to direct traffic (eh ?)
(This is evidently a "hunt sabs" joke.)
(Commentary from an American: I don't get "hunt sabs". In any case, I
still find it funny. The joke is that whenever something in the US happens
that requires the continued presence of the police, one always gets
dispatched to direct traffic and keep it moving because everyone always
slows down and rubbernecks when they see a lot of police cars.) So we
could also count another five to stand around going "Show's over, nothing
left to see here, folks, move along."
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
Q: How many bailiffs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it, one to hit you in the kidneys, and 8 to
stand around such that none of this gets caught on camera.
Q: How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. 1 to actually screw in the light bulb, 1 to carry him out of the
ring, 1 to tell him who put the lights out, 2 to count the money, and it
all only takes 91 seconds!
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A: Three. One to change it and 2 to keep interrupting by standing up
and shouting "Objection !"
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
really screw a bulb...
A: Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house,
and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one
to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to
stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the
bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
(another huge answer is at the bottom of this file.)
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change
a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to
drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
Q: How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect
them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
Q: How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it
at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured
on the back page of the gutter press.)
Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Five. One to get into position to screw it in, one to kick the legs out
from under him, one to snatch the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who,
then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to
roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
A: 15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other
side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
Q: How many Americal college football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
A: Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it.
(or the Heisman, if Barry Switzer can get enough Alumni support for it)
(Notes : The Heisman is a trophy awarded to the suposed best overall college
football player each season by the NY Athletic Club. Barry Switzer was formerly
the University of Oklahoma football coach, one of the winningest ever. The joke
relates to the fact that the school's publicity department has as much, if not
more, to do with getting the Heisman than the player's actual ability.)
(Commentary from another American ! Not exactly...OU has had a few Heisman
trophy winners, but only one of them when Switzer was head coach (thus the
joke's really not that funny). Now if you changed it to Woody Hayes, former
head coach at coach at Ohio State, or Bo Schembechler, former Michigan head
coach, it might be more humorous.)
Q: How many American footballers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to screw it in and the other to recover the fumble.
Q: How many people at an American football match does it take to change
a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to tip the entire contents of the ice
bucket over the coach to congratulate him on a successful bulb screwing.
Q: How many University of Washington Husky football fans (or any over-the-top
sports fans who pay way way too much attention to minutia surrounding
"their" team) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A million and one. One to hold the old bulb, and the rest to all try and
make the world revolve around it.
Q: How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
(also Buffalo Bills)
(Commentary from an American: Oh, please *groan* :-). I live in Buffalo, so
it's a slightly sore subject. This relates to recent Super Bowls. The Broncos
have been to four Super Bowls, and lost three by huge margins-"blowouts".
Likewise the Bills, the pride and joy of our city, have lost the last three
straight, the last two by overwhelming margins.)
31/01/94 And another one too, by 30-13 !!! Brian.
Q: How many Rochester residents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty one - one to screw in the bulb, and fifty to comment about how
much better the bulb is than light bulbs in Buffalo.
Q: How many Buffalonians does it take to screw a in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to get the new bulb out of the snowbank, and one to screw it in.
Q: How many Canadian sex murderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: [punchline forbidden on Canadian newsservers by publication ban; e-mail
list maintainer]
(Note : I do not have an answer to that one !!! That joke is exactly as it
was when it came to me ! I think there must have been a Canadian sex murder
trial shrouded in censorship, hence the punchline being that we're not allowed
to read even the joke about it. If anyone has any info I'd love to hear it...)
Q: How many American wrestlers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to yank the old bulb out, throw it on the floor, try and jump
onto it from a great height, and act real surprised when it rolls out of
the way at the last minute, one to pretend to twist the new one in round
and round so far it almost breaks, and some guy in a black and white
stripey uniform whose function is never made quite clear to protest about
something or other, to the complete indifference of the bulb changers.
A: 5. One to change it 4 to fake it.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the
screwing began.
A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures
of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the
new bulb to let the room stay dark.
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before
it was lit up.
Q: How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the
ramifications of the change.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A: Only one. "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
(Note: This joke is about an American ad for light beer=reduced calories.)
Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What?! And ruin my nails???
A: Three: Two to bitch about it, one to call the building superintendant.
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
(Notes: WASP Princess = spoilt rich girl, a Tab = a can of Tab the drink.)
Q: How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her
friends about it.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb.
Notes: Ugh!
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct
the ship out of disgrace."
(Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They
consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)
The next three jokes were taken from the "Official Klingon Joke Book".
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
A: None. Klingons aren't afraid of the dark.
(Oops I'm slipping, this is the same answer as for real men..)
Q: What do they do with the dead bulb?
A: Execute it for failure.
Q: What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A: Execute him for cowardice.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
A: All of them.
(Notes : Yup, you find them in Star Trek too. They are those part machine part
humanoid looking creatures that go around conquering worlds and assimilating
all those poor people into their collective and turning them into Borgs.
From what we can tell from the ST:TNG series, the Borg act as a collective
rather than on an individual basis (with the exception being those such as
Hugh who encountered lifeforms who act individually) hence the second answer.)
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.
Q: How many creatures from Altair VII does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Though he will break the new bulb, the glow from his fingerprints
will provide a quite nice illumination.
(Someone please tell me what TV programme this is from...)
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I
was up there !"
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical
manner according to the part they're playing (See the formula @ the start.)
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you
to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me."
(Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.")
Q: How many people in Twin Peaks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to wrap the dead one in plastic.
(Notes: Twin Peaks has a murderer who wraps the victims in plastic.)
Q: How many MTV cartoon characters does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Errrrrrr... Uh-huh-huh-huh Lightbulbs suck or something... Huh-huh-huh...
Yeah ! But lightbulb jokes are coool... huh-huh... Huh-huh... Lightbulb
jokes kick aaaasss... (inserts hand into trousers and rubs up and down...)
A: (Butthead) Uuuuuuuuhhhhhh, HOW?
(Beavis) I dunno know. You tell me. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
(Butthead) I dunno know either you dumb ass. Uhhhh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
(Beavis) Who are you calling dumb ass, butt munch? Heh-heh-heh-heh.
(Butthead) You, asswipe. Huuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
(Beavis) Shut up Butthead!
(Butthead) No, you shut up!
(Beavis) Shut up!
(Butthead) Shut up!
(Beavis) Shut up!
(Butthead) No you shut up! And uuuuuh-uuuuuuuh! Answer the damn
question ass munch! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
(Beavis) Oh, yeah! The question. Ummmmm, Ummmmm, what is the
question, Butthead? Heh-heh. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
(Butthead) Uuuuuuuh, I dunno know! Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I thought you
knew. Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
(Beavis) I think I am having a stiffy. Heh-heh. Heh-heh.
(Butthead) Oh, I remember! Huuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think it was
like, uh-uh, like how many, uh-uh, like Beavis and
Buttheads, huuuuuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh, does take to
screw in a, uh-uh, lightbulbs?
(Beavis) I dunno know...
(Butthead) Oh, I get it. Huuuuuuuh-uh-uh-uh-uh! I think he means
like our, uh-uh, ...
A: (Butt-Head): "Uh huh huh huh huh. You said "Screw."
(Beavis): "Yeah. Heh heh heh m heh heh. screw. Screw. SCREW!"
(Butt-Head): "Settle down, Beavis. Or I'll kick your ass."
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the
hardware store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until
one of them figures out to turn it off.
Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: *Ahem* We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.
Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the
house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.
(Notes : BATF is The US Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, repsonsible
for setting up that Waco (We Aint Coming Out !) Branch Davidians siege in
spring 1993, which ended in a fashion the second punchline suggests.)
Q: How many xxxxxxx (fill in the blank: FBI agents, narcs, deans) does it
take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to seize the lightbulb and the others hold him very very still,
because they KNOW the world turns.
(Someone please explain this one ! Surely it's not the same joke as egotists ?)
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he
turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of
the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true
light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the
bulb gets screwed in.
(Explanation : Hegel and Marx use a logical procedure called dialectics to seek
answers to seemingly mutual exclusive positions. Shortened it is "thesis,
antithesis, synthesis". Thus 'no light' and 'no dark' can arrive at a middle
ground through logical examination 'it's dark but it can be made light'.)
Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't change bulbs, they have nice fires in their caves and if
they need light they go out and look at the sun.
Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?
Q: How many American standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying
cross country and the f****** stewardess started telling me about her cat.
Man, I f****** hate people who don't use their turn signals. F***. Hey,
how about an impression. Here's Jack f****** Nicholson doing Tony Curtis
in drag imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....
Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively
modern invention.
Q: How many folklorists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Ten. One to change it and nine to document it.
Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is
incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke
into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native
Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action
Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been
underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara
Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the
way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole
procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for
everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.
A: Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so noone bashes it with a
big stick, one to change it, one to suggest they all roll a log down a
hill to celebrate, and one to invite all the others round to his log cabin
so they can all watch his moose moult.
Q: How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one to do it and the other forty-nine to proclaim it's the greatest
event in the history of creation, a truly world-class bulb screwing.
A: One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the Walden Galleria.
I finally found someone to explain that one ! It goes like this : - The Walden
Galleria MALL, only an hour and a half away from the Centre of the Universe and
just off the Intersate in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of Torontonians
engaging in the old Canadian tradition of cross border shopping. On a weekend
the parking lot would be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you
were in Canada. Of course you could not legally return to Canada with more than
$25 worth of goods for an afternoon visit and so thousands of honest, polite
and industrious Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic
method for smuggling clothing was "wearing it back" and so long lines of cars
containing scantily and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue up
Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours later,
miraculously, in the true American tradition of rags to riches, be transformed
into trendy and well attired Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an
intensive afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to Canada
Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the dumpsters of the exotic malls
of Williamsburg and Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday
shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining value of the Canadian
dollar. Sorry I got so long winded, but Sunday in Buffalo was fun while it
lasted, even if you got caught and this joke, lame as it is, brought back a
lot of memories.
Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
tight circles.
A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it
down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.
Q: How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.
Q: How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.
A: Just one, and she'll screw it in as soon as she decides it isn't
going to hatch.
A: None. They're all far too busy crossing the road.
Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?
Q: How many Pizza Hut employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to hold the ladder, and one to tell the story
about "last night."
(Notes : This is guaranteed true by someone who used to work there. The
stories refer to wild copious drinking and also a few bedroom exploits.)
Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it
feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs !
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot
of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while
doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
A: Two, one to do it and the other one to get his dick out of the gun.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by
its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.
Q: What do a Soviet emigre and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
A Soviet emigre climbs on a dinner table to change a light bulb. His
girlfriend tries to put a newspaper under his dirty sneakers.
``Don't bother, I'll reach it anyway.''
Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to bite the bulb out of the socket and one to hammer the
new one in.
(A stereotype of Newfoundlanders as stupid - usually told by Canadians.)
Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
shows, and one to play classic rock.
Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something
to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
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