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__ __).::v is for void::.__ _ ___
************************************************************************* ‘One cannot long remain so absorbed in contemplation of emptiness without being increasingly attracted to it. In vain one bestows on it the name of infinity; this does not change its nature. When one feels pleasure in non-existence, one’s inclination can be completely satisfied only by completely ceasing to exist.’
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I guess I was addicted to food, something to fill the emptiness. I did the same with shopping, buying loads of junk that I didn’t need or even want. Anything to fill the big black void inside of me. Fortunately being too young for an overdraft would slow me down on the shopping! I would eat loads to try to fill the gaping hole inside of me. It never worked though, I felt worse for being greedy. Anorexia was better because the starvation made me even more obsessed with food and I felt like my life had an aim, that I was getting there. When I was bulimic and overweight it was just monotonous, every day I would wake up and eat and throw up and eat and throw up, over and over, getting nowhere. When I did lose weight with bulimia it was good though, although I never got very low and I would put it all back on really easily because it was mainly just dehydration. To fill my emptiness and to try to make my mundane life slightly more exciting I would always see how far I could push people. I would go to lessons increasingly late, sometimes 10 minutes before the end, after an hour had gone by. I would see what the teacher would say to me about it. I was hardly ever picked up on it so I would get more daring. I would not apologise for being so late, I would walk in and smile at the teacher and they would normally just smile back, not mentioning the fact that I had missed half of their lesson. Sometimes I would get up and walk out halfway through or would tell my maths teacher that I wasn’t doing trigonometry with the rest of the class because it was boring and so I was doing calculus instead. She would always just smile and laugh, perhaps she thought I was eccentric, which is what one of my friends told me once. But I wasn’t eccentric, nothing that interesting, I was being provocative, trying to make my life interesting. My life was just a game. And, like Monopoly, as you progress there becomes an increasing fear of your next turn, because round each corner there are only a tiny fraction of places to go to avoid getting hurt. Also like Monopoly, my life was really tedious and felt like it was going on forever. So I did stuff to brighten it up. And that explains why I am writing this and the way I would take risks like cutting right in front of my teachers’ eyes! I could become addicted to anything, I really could. Gave my life some form of focus or added excitement. At one point I even managed to become quite addicted to scratchcards, despite the fact that I never won a thing! Still, nothing would ever really close the gap permanently, it would just fill it in temporarily, if that. But I’d try anything to make me feel alive and real. I guess every teenager feels like they have nothing inside them, because the future is so scary and unpredictable. I guess I just wanted too much, nothing was ever enough for me; I wanted the dream. I always did see everything in very black and white terms; my life was either good or bad, usually bad, and there was nothing in between. Perhaps that is because of, or why, my emotions were always so strong or not there at all. |
