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An Irishmans Philsophy
There are only two things to worry about
either you are well or you are sick
If you are well,
then there is nothing to worry about.
But if you are sick
there are two things to worry about.
Either you will get well or you will die..
If you get well,
there is nothing to worry about.
If you die,
there are only two things to worry about.
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about.
But if you go to hell,
you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends
you won't have time to worry!
Travel down GJ's Way:
| Get the latest news from Ireland | Some of my favourite Irish Recipes |
| Travelling to Ireland | Listen to 2FM (Irelands No 1 Radio Station |
| Want a Job in Ireland | Guinness |
| Irelands History | Irish Jokes (of course) |
| Famous Places | Submit your own Irish jokes |
| Irish Government | Story-Telling |
| News papers | Irish Dancing |
Bacon & Cabbage
By far the most popular traditional dish, and there is nothing
to beat this simple, satisfying meal on a cold winter's day.
2-3 lbs. collar of bacon
1 medium-sized cabbage
Soak bacon overnight in cold water. Place in a pot,
cover with fresh water and bring to the boil. Remove
scum. Cover and simmer for 1 � hours (30 minutes per
lb). Cut cabbage into quaters and add to pot. Cook
gently for about � hour or until cabbage is cooked to
your liking. Drain and serve with potatoes boiled in their jackets.
Irish Stew
| 1 lb. lean mutton pieces |
| 1 lb. onions |
| 1 lb. carrots |
| 1 lb. potatoes |
| salt & pepper |
| pinch of thyme |
Place mutton with thyme in saucepan and add cold
water to cover. Bring to the boil and simmer for
one hour. Add onions, potatoes, carrots, all peeled and
roughly chopped. Season. Continue cooking until
vegetables are tender. Adjust seasoning. May be
served alone or with green cabbage or sprouts.
Irish Jokes(well may be not always Irish):
THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but there's no shit in the bowl.
THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
there's no shit on the toilet paper.
THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end
up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you
dont ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees,and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.
THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet
brush.
THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of
the
toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts
out all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of
your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet
water.
THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished
with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you.
Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
are nowhere near shitting facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close
resemblance to the Drinker's Shit.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in
the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
God when you actually CAN'T shit.
PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.
THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
when you're done.
THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log Shit.)
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got
to be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and
size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling
up to your butt while you sit there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand
innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin
and gasping for air.
THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the
place.
THE "YOU'VE GOT SHIT ON YOUR SHOES, YOU SHIT SHOE BASTARD"
SHIT
No explanation required.