"Double Date" / Wednesday - January 6, 1999

TONY : Hey, what's up, guys?
MATT/SLY : Hey, Tony.
TONY : Yo, Matt, you flying solo? Where's Randi Jo?
MATT : Nah, she's busy with her sister Debbie's wedding.
SLY : Weddings! Feh! Another perfectly good woman off the market.
MATT : Debbie's nice, but she's so stressed with the wedding, she's got Randi Jo completely
        wigged out.
RANDI JO : Oh, Matt! Oh, it's a total disaster!
MATT : What's a matter, babe?
RANDI JO : They delivered the engraved matchbooks for the wedding!
TONY : How dare they!
RANDI JO : It's not funny! They misspelled the groom's name. And now everyone's gonna think
            that Debbie is marrying Paula!
SLY : Debbie and Paula?! That's two perfectly good women off the market.
TIFFANI : Look what we just got. New skates.
JENNY : Yeah, we'll stay in shape, and it will be fun!
SLY : Get out of here. I've known you for twelve years, and you never have fun.
SLY : Ow!
JENNY : That was fun.
SHARKEY : Wicks!
TONY : Come on, Sharkey. What do you want? Today's my day off, you big-burger-flipping-I-
        Love-New-York-pasta-belly!
SHARKEY : Heh-heh-heh, "pasta-belly." Wicks, you crack me up.
TONY : Oh, yeah? Well, if you like that, how about tortellini-tush?
SHARKEY : I don't like it that much. Listen, I'm going on a fishing trip and I'm gonna leave you
            here in charge. Handle things smoothly, and we'll talk promotion. And -- a raise.
TONY : All right! All right, let me get this straight. Now, you're saying that I'll be the boss?
SHARKEY : Yeah, you'll be the boss.
TONY : So, for example, I could tell that waiter over there to tuck in his shirt?
SHARKEY : Yeah, you could do that.
TONY/SHARKEY : Tuck in that shirt!
TONY : Or, if a customer has a complaint, I can kick him out?
SHARKEY : Yeah, but only after they pay. Look, you'll be in charge. That means everyone here
            has got to listen to you.
TONY : In that case, Sharkey, you're fired!
SHARKEY : "Fired?" The kid kills me.
TIFFANI : So, Tony, are you excited? Tonight's the night Sharkey's leaving and you're taking
           over.
SLY : Antonious, I see opportunity here. I see money and babes, music and babes, babes and
      babes...
TONY : And I see you getting me into trouble, so forget it, Sly.
RANDI JO : Oh, Matt! Horrible! Last minute. Debbie! Paul! Oh!
MATT : I sense this has something to do with the wedding?
RANDI JO : I just told you! You don't listen when I talk!
MATT : I think she might be a little upset.
JENNY : Well, that was a quick practice.
TIFFANI : Let's go skating down the bike path.
JENNY : We're out of here, guys.
SLY : Yeah, right, whatever, aloha. Aloha? Aloha...
TONY : Yo, Sylvester, it's because of weird stuff like this that you don't get dates.
SLY : Aloha... A luau! We hold a big Hawaiian luau at Sharkey's. The Dreams can play, we'll
      charge a cover at the door, and make money! Ooh, money, money, money.
TONY : I don't know, Sly. I don't see Sharkey going for it.
SLY : Sharkey?! Sharkey's gone, man. You're the boss.
TONY : Oh, yeah... Yeah, you're right. Now, tell me more about the luau.
SLY : Right. Think of it, Tony: Babes in grass skirts as far as an eye can see.
TONY : Yeah.
SLY : Yeah.
SLY : Of course, we're gonna have to spend a little of Sharkey's money for advertising and
      decorations, but...
TONY : Ha! Ah, so, you think I'd be stupid enough to give you Sharkey's money? Ha! Ha! Ha!
TONY : ...Two hundred and forty-eight, two hundred and forty-nine, two hundred and fifty.
SLY : All right. That'll cover the newspaper ad and the flyers. Ah, we need another two-fifty
      for decorations.
TONY : Here, here, here. That's it! No more! It's not my money--it's Sharkey's!
SLY : That's what's so great about it.
TIFFANY : Oak-ee-dokey, we're all ready to pass out the flyers for the luau.
SLY : Great, but there's just one problem. Jennifer, you're wearing clothes.
JENNY : Despite any depraved thoughts you may have in your warped little mind, I am not
         going to skate around like a piece of meat on wheels.
SLY : Go ahead and doubt me, but everyone knows: the more skin, the more sales.
TIFFANI : Hey! You told me to dress this way so I could stay cool and work on my tan.
SLY : Well, that too.
TIFFANI : Forget it. I'm not passing anything out.
JENNY : Me either.
TONY : Okay, you're covered! All right now, please, please, please, iadies.
TONY : Pass out flyers like my job depends on it...'cause it does.
SLY : All right, I'm decoration-bound.
MATT : Hey, Tony, I've got great news. The band for Randi Jo's sister's wedding canceled. And
        I convinced them to hire the Dreams.
TONY : All right, Matt! And check it out, I got us a gig, too. The Dreams are hosting a big luau
        right here on Sharkey Island this Saturday night.
MATT : Wait. This Saturday night? But, the wedding's this Saturday night!
TONY : That's impossible. That's...
MATT/TONY : Ewwwww...
JENNY : Enough already! We've got to resolve this: do we play the luau or the wedding?
SLY : Come on, guys. This is an easy decision. Which gig pays the most?
TONY : Is that all you think about, Sylvester? The luau pays more.
MATT : Forget it! I'm not going to disappoint Randi Jo and her family.
TONY : Well, I don't want to disappoint my mother. And if Sharkey presses charges and she has
        to bail me out of jail, she's going to be very disappointed.
MATT : Aw, we're not getting anywhere.
TIFFANI : Maybe I can help. Tony, Matt wants to play at the wedding because he loves Randi
           Jo. And we need love in this world. Without love we wouldn't have love beads, love
           seats, love letters, and we'd be watching re-runs of "I Like Lucy".
TONY : Hey, I love, "I Like Lucy". But I'm not canceling the luau.
MATT : Come on, Tony.
JENNY : Matt, Tony has a good reason for wanting to keep the gig at Sharkey's. He's scared to
         death. We all have fears, and we hide them... maybe behind music, or our pretty
         smiles, or socially retarded behavior.
MATT : All right, I'll talk to Randi Jo. I don't know what I'll say, but I'll try.
SLY : I'll go with you. I'm a pro at bad news.
RANDI JO : Matt, I understand your problem, but Debbie and Paul are so stressed out that even
            the tiniest hint of something wrong could make them snap.
SLY : Perfect. If they break up, there's no wedding, ergo, no conflict.
MATT : Sly! Don't worry, Randi Jo, I promise we'll be gentle.
SLY : Nah, I'm telling you, it's simple. We just say, "Debbie, the caterer died." She freaks out,
      Baboom, no wedding.
PAUL : Now, Uncle David's mad he's not at ehd family table!
DEBBIE : I told you we shouldn't've invited your stupid, fat uncle!
PAUL/DEBBIE  : Hi!
RANDI JO : Debbie, Paul, you know, Matt. And this is Sly, the Dreams' manager.
PAUL : Hey, I'm really glad the Dreams are playing, especially since the band Debbie booked
        canceled.
DEBBIE : Okay, blame me. It's my fault, everything's my fault!
RANDI JO : It's nobody's fault guys. But, look, Matt and Sly need to talk to you.
MATT : Yeah...um...Have you guys ever heard of a band called Root Canal?
DEBBIE : Oh, no! Now you guys are canceling! We're cursed!
RANDI JO : No, no, no! Debbie, you're over reacting. The dreams aren't going to cancel.
RANDI JO : Are you guys?
MATT : No, no, don't be silly. We would never cancel. Would we, Sly?
SLY : Never.
TONY : I don't believe it. Even Sly, Mr.-I-get-a-kick-from-kicking-people couldn't do it.
TIFFANI : Maybe we should move the luau to sunday.
TONY : Oh, man, that means we have to readvertise. That means more money.
SLY : That's no problem. We'll just borrow more from Sharkey's savings and loan.
TIFFANI : And Jenny and I will pass out more flyers. Of course I'll do it faster.
JENNY : Ha! I could skate from here to Paradise point before you could say, Sly is a sleazebag.
TIFFANI : Ha! Eat my sparks, Garrison!
SLY : Hey, ladies, if you wear bikinis, you'll have less wind resistance.
SLY : OW! Ow.
TONY : Here's another two hundred dollars, that's it. The bank's closed.
SHARKEY : Stop! Thief!
TONY : Sh-Sh-Sharkey! Welcome back! So, so early!
SHARKEY : Yeah, lucky for me I caught a mackerel that reminded me of my wife.
SLY : So?
SHARKEY : So, I remembered I have to take her to a social engagement this weekend. Good
            thing, otherwise I wouldn't of caught you ripping me off.
TONY : Sharkey, we've got a solid explanation.
SHARKEY : I'll be the judge of that.
SLY : No, Sharkey, um, we were merely helping Tony's Uncle. He needs an emergency hair
      transplant.
TONY : No, man. Sharkey, the money...money was for a luau.
SLY : Well, sure! The surgeon's Hawaiian. And we were having the luau to make him feel at
      home.
SHARKEY : Shut up, Winkle! Now, Wicks, I left you here to make tough, executive decisions,
            which, uh, looks like you did.
TONY : Yeah?... Yeah! Yeah, that's what I did!
SHARKEY : How much of my money have you invested in this little promotion?
TONY : Oh, I'd say hardly, roughly... in the neighborhood of...five hundred dollars.
SHARKEY : WHAT?! What'd you do, rent a volcano?!
SLY : Hey, that's a great idea.
SHARKEY : I said shut up, Winkle.
SHARKEY : Now Wicks, this scheme of yours isn't exactly kosher. So, if it doesn't work, I'll fire
            you, and I'll get my money from your father.
SHARKEY : Swim free...for now.
SLY : Hey, Matt, what's up, man?
TONY : Listen, Matt. Sharkey's back which means the Dreams are playing this Saturday. Case
        closed.
MATT : Oh, no! "Case reopened!" Randi Jo's family shouldn't suffer just because you're
        irresponsible.
TONY : Irresponsible? Oh, listen to Mister Holier-than-thou! Shame on me for putting my butt
        on the line for my friends.
MATT : Don't push me, Tony.
TONY : Yeah, I'll push you, you Richie-Cunningham-Jason-Priestly-wanna-be.
MATT : Back off, Urkel.
TONY : Who you calling Urkel?
SLY : Hey, hey, hey! Urkel, Richie, chill out.
SLY : Come on. Guys, this is getting way out of hand! Now one of you has got to be the
      mature one, and give up a gig.
MATT : Yeah, you're right. One of us should be big enough to give up his gig.
TONY : I agree.
MATT/TONY : You do it.
TIFFANI : Yes! I won.
JENNY : All right, all right, but it was real close. Be a good sport and at least admit that much,
         Tif.
TIFFANI : I won! You lost! I won! You lost!
SLY : Who cares who lost? Sharkey came home early. Now, we have to choose between the luau
     and the wedding.
TIFFANI : Why can't we just play both?
MATT/TONY/SLY : Play both?
MATT : That's a great idea! We'll play a set, take a break, and move up the beach.
TONY : Well, wait. What about traffic? It'll take at least fifteen minutes to get to the Yacht Club
        from Sharkey's.
TIFFANI : Not if we use the bike path?
JENNY :Yeah, it only takes two minutes on rollerskates.
TIFFANI : Two minutes for you. A minute fiftyeight for me.
TONY : Guys, it won't work. I can't carry my durms on rollerskates.
SLY : We'll just rent a second set of equipment.
MATT : Yeah.
TONY : It's still a bad idea. It won't work.
JENNY : Why not, Tony?
MATT : Yeah, why not?
TONY : Because I can't rollerskate! Okay?
SHARKEY : All right, Wicks. Things aren't looking too bad. This might work.
TONY : Sharkey, man, you're gonna miss the best bash on the beach ever. I know the crowd
        would of loved seeing you do the hula.
SHARKEY : Hey, when I get my money back, I'll do the hokey-pokey.
JENNY : Come on, Tony! Matt's at the wedding. We're gonna be late.
TONY : Make sure everyone pays a cover. Even the hot babes, Sylvester!
SLY : All right, I will.
TONY : And make sure Shirley over there doesn't take her break the same time as Tyrone, or
        they'll start making out in the kitchen.
SLY : Right. She only makes out with me.
SLY : Ah, just kidding, kidding. Go. Go. Go.
JENNY : Hurry up!
TIFFANI : Come on, we'll push.
TONY : This is so humiliating.
PAUL : Matt, why don't we have and music? Where's the band?!
DEBBIE : Paul, you're stressing. This is our wedding day! WE SHOULDN'T STRESS!
MATT : Paul, Debbie relax. Everything's fine. There's no problem.
MATT : Now, there's a problem! What's Sharkey doing here!
RANDI JO : Oh, no, I forgot. He's a fishing buddy of Paul's father.
MATT : Well, get rid of him. He can't know the Dreams are here.
RANDI JO : Sharkey, enjoying the buffet?
SHARKEY : Ah, just comparing recipes.
RANDI JO : Well, have you seen the dessert table outside? It's HUGE!
SHARKEY : Oh, really. Maybe I ought to go check that out. Purely from a professional
            perspective.
RANDI JO : Oh, of course, of course.
TONY : I felt so cramped up in that stupid go-cart, I felt like John Candy in a Miata.
MATT : Hello, everyone. We are the California...Rollerdreamers.
MATT : Before we start, we'd like to wish Paul and Debbie all the best. Okay, let's do it.
(MUSIC CUE : "IF YOU LEAN ON ME"
MATT : THERE ARE TIMES
  IT GETS SO HARD YOU CAN CRY
  THIS WORLD CAN BE SO COLD
  AND SOMETIMES I JUST DON'T KNOW
  HOW WE EVER SURVIVE

"CASTLES ON OUICKSAND"
JENNY : YOU GOTTA LET THE STORM BREAK BABY
TIFFANI : YEAH
MATT/TONY : OH...
JENNY : YOU GOTTA LET THE RAIN FALL ALL AROUND
         AND WHEN THE TEARS RUN DRY
MATT/TONY : RUN DRY
JENNY : MAYBE THEN YOU CAN TRY
MATT/TONY : THEN YOU CAN TRY
JENNY : TO START ALL OVER AGAIN
TIFFANI : START ALL OVER AGAIN )

MATT : Thanks a lot. We'll be right back, after this break.
MATT : Aloha, everyone! Okay, let's do it. One, two, three, four...

(MUSIC CUE : "HEART DON'T LIE"
TIFFANI : WHEN IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
     AND I CLOSE MY EYES
I WANNA BE WITH YOU
AND I CAN'T LET GO
IN MY HEART I KNOW
THAT WE WILL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER
SOME THINGS SO RIGHT
PROMISE ME THAT NOTHINGS
GONNA CHANGE
SAY THAT IT'S FOREVER
TIFFANI/JENNY : OH HEART DON'T LIE
TIFFANI : MY HEAD CAN TELL ME ANYTHING
AND I WOULD BELIEVE IT
TIFFANI/JENNY : OH HEART DON'T LIE
TIFFANI : I NEED TO KNOW WHAT'S TRUE TONIGHT WON'T YOU HELP ME SEE IT
MATT/JENNY/TONY : AH...
TIFFANI : DON'T LIE
MATT/JENNY/TONY : AH...
TIFFANI : YOU KNOW I WOULD BELIEVE IT
MATT/JENNY/TONY : AH...
TIFFANI : HEART DON'T LIE
MATT/JENNY/TONY : AH...
TIFFANI : WON'T YOU HELP ME SEE IT
MATT/JENNY/TONY : AH...
TIFFANI : ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT, PROMISE ME THAT NOTHINGS GONNA CHANGE
MATT/JENNY/TONY : AH...
TIFFANI : MAKE IT LAST FOREVER
TIFFANI/JENNY : OH HEART DON'T LIE
JENNY : OH HEART DON'T LIE
TIFFANI : MY HEAD CAN TELL ME ANYTHING
AND I WOULD BELIEVE IT
TIFFANI/JENNY : OH HEART DON'T LIE
TIFFANI : DON'T LIE
TIFFANI/JENNY : OH HEART DON'T LIE
OH HEART DON'T LIE
TIFFANI : DON'T LIE)

MATT : Thanks a lot. Goodnight, folks. It's been a great luau...uh, wedding.
RANDI JO : Wait, Sharkey, there're still two more pieces of cake you can eat.
SHARKEY : Oh, you make it tempting, but I'm full.
SHARKEY : Wicks? Hey, Wicks! What's he doing here? I'd better get back to my restaurant.
MATT : All right, let's do... play.

(MUSIC CUE : "IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU"
MATT : NOW WAIT A MINUTE BABY
  I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY
  I GET SO EXCITED
  MY HEART IS RACING AWAY
  NOW TAKE A GOOD LOOK
  AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE
  THE SMILE ON MY FACE
  IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO ME
ALL : YEAH
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : LIFE WOULDN'T MEAN A THING
  YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE THE JOY
  THAT YOU BRING
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : YOU BABY
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU, YEAH
MATT : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU)

SHARKEY : Wicks! Here! Now!
SHARKEY : You're here? Then you couldn't have been there.
TONY : Couldn't have been where? You feeling all right, Sharkey?
SHARKEY : Yeah, yeah. You got my money?
TONY : Here you go, Sharkman.
SHARKEY : Pretty impressive, Wicks. You pulled it off.
TONY : Of course, I pulled it off! There was never-ever any doubt. Now when can we begin
        negotiations regarding my promotion and raise?
SHARKEY : Arter what you did, Wicks, I oughta demote you to toilet bowl cleaner. But I like
            your skirt.
MATT : Hey, Tony, I'm sorry about what I said. You're no Urkel.
TONY : Yeah, man. I'm sorry, too.
JENNY : So, Sly, how much money did we make?
SLY : A ton. Well, let's see, wedding fee, plus cover charges minus Sharkey's money, equipment
      rental, tuxedo rental, skate rental, hula skirt rental...and that leaves us with a grand total
      of...four dollars?!
TIFFANI : Well that's one dollar for each of us.
SLY : Hey, what about me?

-THE END-