"YEAR OF THE WOO" / Friday - January 15, 1999

SLY : Baboom!
TONY : Now either you just landed us a gig, or you got to go to the bathroom real bed.
SLY : Both. We're playing Friday at Burbank Barney's. Now got out of my way.
MATT : Now hold on, guys. I don't think the van can make it to Burbank. It's always breaking
        down.
SLY : Oh, and they're paying us a thousand bucks.
MATT : We'll carry it if we have to!!!
TONY : Alright man! A thousand bucks. Now I can finally pay back some of that money I owe
       my father.
JAKE : Yeah, maybe I can afford to remember Mother's Day this year.
MATT : And I can finally put away some money for college.
GUYS : Nah!
JAKE : Let's play some poker Saturday night.
TONY : Yeah, my dad can wait.
MATT : I'm gonna get a scholarship anyway.
GUYS : Po-ker! Po-ker! Po-ker!
SAM : Gong hay fat choy.
TONY : Gesundheit.
TIFFANI : No, Tony, Sam was just giving you the traditional greeting of the Chinese New Year.
          "Gong hay fat choy" means "new happiness."
MATT : How'd you know that?
TIFFANI : I saw it on "Ninja Turtles."
JAKE : But the turtles are Japanese.
TIFFANI : I know, but they were fighting the Peking Wart Hogs.
SAM : I'm so excited -- it's going to be the best New Years ever. Look what my parents sent
      me!
JAKE : Ooh, a red envelope. What do you get on Saint Patrick's day, a green one?
TIFFANI : No, Pookey, that's "lucky money." It's the traditional Chinese gift that parents give
           their children.
TONY : I knew I was born in the wrong country.
SAM : It's eight hundred dollars. I can fly back home to Hong Kong for the holiday.
TIFFANI : And if you're Chinese, it's very important to be with your family so you can wish
           each other good luck on the coming year.
JAKE : That's great, Sam. You must be really psyched.
SAM : I am. I've never been away from home during New Year's. But I'm really going to miss
      all of you.
SLY : Oh yeah. Let the fun begin. Mr. Cool's back.
SAM : Of course, I'll miss some of you more than others.
JAKE : Man, that van is greasy. Yo, Matt, you got a towel or something?
MATT : Why don't you just use Sly's shirt?
JAKE : Good idea.
JAKE : What're you laughing at?
SLY : I borrowed this shirt from Matt.
MATT : Oh, man.
TONY : So, Jake, what's the deal? Is the van going to make it to Burbank?
JAKE : There's a better chance of Burbank making it here. The transmission is shot.
MATT : Are you sure?
JAKE : Positive. A healthy transmission goes "whirjjj-a-bugga, whirjjj-a-bugga." And one that's
       slipping goes "whirjjjj-a-bugga, whirjjjj-a-bugga, clank."
MATT : So, what's ours doing?
JAKE : "Whirjjj-a-bugga, whirjjj-a-bugga-phhhhht!"
TONY : That sounds expensive.
JAKE : Yeah. Try seven hundred bucks. We have to replace the whole thing.
MATT : Aw, forget it, we're dead. Where are we going to come up with seven hundred dollars
        before the gig?
SAM : ...Six hundred... seven hundred... eight hundred.
SAM : Eight hundred smackers! Oh, hi, guys.
TONY : Can I get an Amen?
GUYS : A-men.
JAKE : Sam, have a seat.
MATT : I love what you've done with your hair.
TONY : Can I get you anything? A frosty beverage, perhaps?
SAM : You can't have it, it's mine.
JAKE : Look, Sam, the van's broken down and we need some money to fix it so we can get to
       the gig.
MATT : Then, after we get paid, we'll give you your money back so you can buy your ticket
        home.
SAM : Okay, it's lucky money. This way it can be lucky for everybody. Plus, I want to get some
      pictures for back home. Especially for my Uncle Tse Tse... You'd love Uncle Tse Tse. He
      plays a mean guitar. When he rocks out, my sisters and I dance. My dad calls us Uncle
      Tse Tse's Fly Girls.
TONY : At this rate, we'll get the money back before she finishes talking.
TONY : It's five-fifteen, Sylvester. Where's the van? If it doesn't come soon, we'll never make it
        to the gig.
SLY : Relax. I checked this mechanic out completely. He had the best qualifications.
JAKE : You mean he was the cheapest.
SLY : Oh, yeah!
SAM : Then, in the Year of the Boar, we ate roast pork. In the Year of the Rooster, we ate
      roast chicken. In the Year of the Rat, we ate...
MATT : Sam! You've been telling us about New Year's all day. Could you give it a rest?
SAM : Oh, no problem. I'll tell you guys more on the way to the gig. It's a two hour drive,
      right?
SLY : Maybe we could strap her to the roof.
JAKE : Well guys, as long as we have to wait, why don't we play a few hands of poker? Sort
       of warm up for the game tomorrow.
TIFFANI : Jake, you never told me you were playing poker.
JAKE : I didn't think I had to -- is it a problem?
TIFFANI : You're darn right. You didn't invite me.
MATT : I don't know, Tiff. Poker's a man's game.
TIFFANI : Then why are they letting you play?
MATT : Because they're my chips.
JAKE : Come on, Tiff. We sort of wanted to have a guys night - you know.
TIFFANI : Yeah, I know. You want to sit around telling gross jokes and see who can belch the
           longest.
TONY : No contest, Tiff. You're looking at The Boss-of-Belch. The Baron-of Burp. The Guru-
        of-Gas.
SLY : You should hear him do the alphabet. Go ahead, Tony.
TONY : Oh, okay. Let me get some of your soda.
TONY : All right, I'll save it for the ride. The accustics are better in the van, anyway.
SLY : Hey Gus, what's the deal? You said you'd be here at five.
GUS : Oh, golly gee whiz. I'm so sorry. I'll tell you what. I'll throw in a free car wash.
SLY : All right!
GUS : There. I can see myself. Now pay up and I'll be on my way.
SLY : What are you talking about? I already gave you seven hundred dollars.
GUS : That was to fix it from going "whirjjj-a-bugga, whirjjj-a-bugga-phhht!" But it was
      really going "whirjjj-a-bugga, whirjjj-a-bugga-henga-benga." That's an extra hundred
      bucks.
JAKE : "Henga-benga?" So it was more than just the transmission.
GUS : Oh, you know cars?
SAM : Here you go. It's the last of my lucky money.
GUS : Stop. A moment while I cry. Boo, hoo, hoo. There, I'm done. Now give me the money.
JAKE : All right. Let's jam.
JAKE : Matt, back the van out so we can load it up.
TIFFANI : Doesn't look like we're getting to the gig tonight.
SLY : Doesn't look like we're getting paid.
SAM : Doesn't look like I'm going home.
MATT : I feel terrible, Sam. If we hadn't borrowed your money, you'd be flying home to your
        warm, loving family.
SAM : Matt, never become a cheerleader.
TIFFANI : Don't worry. I'm sure when Sly tells Gus he did a crummy job on the van, he'll
           refund your money.
SAM : I guess you're right. I should believe in the spirit of the Chinese New Year. It's a time
      of renewal and good fortune. I should have faith everything will work out.
SLY : Bad news. Gus refused to give back the money.
SAM : Stupid holiday.
JAKE : What?! I mean, how could you let that crook get away with this?
SLY : Hey, it's not like I let him off easy. I demanded he re-fix the van at no charge to us.
TONY : And he agreed?
SLY : No, he slammed the door in my face.
MATT : I'm really sorry, Sam.
SAM : That's okay. You win some, you lose some. I'll go call my parents and break the bad
      news to them.
TIFFANI : How do you think they'll take it?
SAM : Oh, fine. When it comes to problems like these, they're very understanding. Poppa? Gong
      hay fat choy, it's me...
SAM : No, I'm okay... I just have a little bad news. I lost the lucky money you sent me.
MR. WOO : Bad news. I'll give you some bad news.
SAM : Goodbye, Poppa. He was just wishing me a Happy New Year.
JAKE : So, how's Sam holding up?
MATT : Oh, man. It's bad. She's so homesick that no matter what you say, she turns it into
        something Chinese and starts to freak out.
TONY : Oh, come on. You've got to be exaggerating.
MATT : No. Anything you say.
SAM : Hi, guys.
TIFFANI : Hey, Sam, great day, huh? Why don't we go for a nice long walk?
SAM : Wok? I can't believe you said that. Mom and I always cooked the New Year's dumplings
      in a wok.
TONY : It works. It's better that we stay in because I worked a double shift and my butt's
        draggin.
SAM : Dragon? Oh, no, I'll miss the New Year's dragon dance.
MATT : Anything you say.
SLY : Come on, Sam. You've got to get over this. You'll get home for New Year's next year.
SAM : I guess you're right, Sly.
SLY : It's all in the timing.
SAM : Ty Ming? He's my favorite uncle. I miss him! WAAAH!
TIFFANI : Oh, I'd better make sure she's alright.
MATT : Poor Sam, I really feel bad for her.
SLY : It's like I always say. Never get your hopes up cause you're just gonna get dogged. Sure,
      your dad says he's gonna come watch you play ball. But he doesn't show up. You just end
      up standing in right field crying into your glove as the game winning hit sails over your
      head.
SLY : It, uh, happened to a friend of mine.
MATT : Well, we've got to find a way to get Sam's money back from Gus.
TONY : Hey! Why don't we just lure him to tonight's poker game and clean him out?
TONY : Okay, it was a dumb idea.
JAKE : No, no, no, I'd love to nail that guy. It's a great idea.
TONY : Of course it was. That's why I thought of it.
JAKE : Come on, we've got work to do.
SLY : Gus is here -- He just pulled up!
JAKE : Great. All right. Now, remember the plan.
GUS : Evening, kiddies.
GUS : So, Winkle tells me you broke the van again. When are you gonna learn how to handle a
      vehicle properly? It's not a toy, y'know.
JAKE : Oh well, you know us "kiddies." We just don't know what we're doing.
GUS : Oh, my achy-breaky heart. Come on, cough up the dough for the repairs.
MATT : No problem. Give him the money, Sly.
SLY : Hold it. How many cards did you say I needed for three-of-a-kind?
TONY : What are you, stupid? You need two.
SLY : Oh, right.
JAKE : Hey, what are you laughing at? We may be new at this game, but we're quick learners.
MATT : Gin!
TONY : Uh, Matt, we're playing poker.
MATT : Oh. Oh, right. Go fish.
GUS : Say, uh, you've got an extra chair here. Mind if I join in?
SLY : Sure, but we're playing high stakes here. You got the cash?
GUS : Do bugs go splat on a windshield?
JAKE : Tell Sam to pack her bags, Garrison. She's going to Hong Kong.
MATT : Oh, yeah.
JAKE : You think Sam would settle for dinner in Chinatown?
GUS : Looking good. I'll bet twenty.
TONY/SLY : I'm out.
GUS : What do you say, Garrison?
SLY : Woof. I'd fold if I were you.
TONY : Oh, yeah.
MATT : Do you mind? I can play my own hand.
MATT : I fold.
JAKE : I'm in.
TIFFANI : Hey, guys. Check this out. A...B...C... Oh, rats. This morning I made it all the way to
           'W'
JAKE : Tiff, as proud as I am right now to be your boyfriend, I'm trying to play cards here.
TIFFANI : Ooh, I'm sorry.
JAKE : I think I'll take one card.
TIFFANI : I don't know... I'd go for two.
JAKE : Please, Tiff, this is a very important game. I'm trying to win Sam's money back from
       Gus.
GUS : Ooh, good plan!
TIFFANI : Oh, Jake, that's so nice.
GUS : Hey, are we playing here, or what?
JAKE : Yeah, give me one card.
TIFFANI : I'd still take two.
JAKE : I should've taken two.
GUS : Well, I gotta go. It's been a pleasure cleaning you ladies out.
TIFFANI : Not so fast, pally. There's still one person who's got cash to burn.
JAKE : Tiff, what are you doing?
TIFFANI : Well, I'm trying to redeem your honor, my love. Not to mention win back your
           money. Deal me in, Grease Man!
GUS : No problem. I'm an equal opportunity card shark. Here, I'll let you deal first.
JAKE : Do you even know how to play cards?
TIFFANI : Well, let me see. I think I remember.
TIFFANI : Jacks or better to open, progressive. Trips to win.
TIFFANI : Okay, Grease Man, no more Miss Nice Guy. I'll raise you.
GUS : Again?! You won the shirt off my back. What else do I got to bet?
TIFFANI : Well, fix the van for free, and I'll consider you in.
GUS : Done. And I'll raise you a tune-up...
TIFFANI : You're on.
GUS : ...And a free engine overhaul.
JAKE : He seems real sure of himself, Tiff. You sure you want to risk it?
MATT : Yeah, maybe you should fold.
TIFFANI : Fold? Fold?!
TIFFANI : Does this look like a face that folds?
MATT : She's in.
GUS : Sucker! Read 'em and weep!
TIFFANI : Whoa, four jacks...that's hard to beat.
TIFFANI : ...But not impossible. Four queens.
TONY : Yo, Gus. Uh, how's it feel to be a broke, bald bozo in his BVD's?
GUS : Drafty.
MATT : Come on, guys, Gus just lost big. Let's try to be a little sensitive.
JAKE : Yeah, you're right, Matt. Gus, take my advice. Go home, take a shower, have some
       coffee, then take a long look in the mirror and you know what you'll see?
GUS : No, what?
JAKE : A LOSER!!!
GUS : You sensitivity's overwhelming.
TIFFANI : Oh, Gussie, don't forget to fix the van.
MATT : Come on, let's go tell Sam the good news.
MATT : Great news, Sam. We got all your money back.
TONY : Yeah, pack your bags, you're going on the fast boat to China!
SAM : Don't toy with me, guys. I'm not in the mood for jokes.
JAKE : No, it's true, Sam. Tiff won it from Gus playing poker.
SAM : Get out of here. Tiffani doesn't play poker.
MATT : Don't tell that to Gus.
SAM : Oh, no... I couldn't possibly take this.
SLY : Fine, I'll take it.
SAM : Touch it and die! This is great guys, thanks. I'm going to call the airline right now and
      book the first flight home.
JAKE : I'm so proud of you, Tiff. You saved our butts out there. You are a really great card
       player.
TIFFANI : So, next time you guys have a "boy's night" can I come?
JAKE : No way! You're too good.
MATT : So, where'd you learn to play cards like that anyway?
TIFFANI : Well, when I was a kid, my Grandpa used to take me with him every Friday night to
           play Pinochle.
TONY : Yeah, but how did you learn to play poker?
TIFFANI : We just told Grandma it was Pinochle.
SAM : Well, that settles that.
SLY : Great, when do you shove off?
SAM : I don't. Because it's so close to the holiday, all the flights are booked. Here, you like
      lucky money so much? You take it. I don't believe in it anymore.
MATT : Oh, man. There's got to be a way to get her home.
JAKE : Maybe there is. Give me the money, Sly.
SLY : What money?
SLY : Shhh! Hey, hey, she's coming!
GANG : Gong hay fat choy!
JAKE : Happy New Year, Sam. We figured if we couldn't send you to China, we could at least
       bring China to you.
SAM : Oh, wow. I don't know what to say... I'm speechless.
TONY : Now there's a first.
SAM : I mean it, this is great. You got everything right. The red welcome signs, the traditional
      masks, the little moon cakes... of course at home, we'd have fireworks...
TONY : I thought you said you were speechless.
SAM : Thanks, guys. There's nothing you could add that would make it better.
TIFFANI : Want to bet?
SAM : Mom? Poppa?
SAM : I don't believe it! How did you get here?
MATT : Simple. Just because flights to Hong Kong were full, doesn't mean flights from Hong
        Kong were full.
SAM : Oh, you guys are the best. When I first came here, I was hoping I'd make a few friends.
      But it turns out I did even better than that. I found another family.
MR. WOO : Come on, Samantha. You'll have time for that later. Your mother and I want to hear
            this band you've been going on and on and on about.
MR. WOO : Yes. Let's hear your band: "Samantha Woo and The California Dreams."
SAM : I don't know where they got that idea.
MATT : Let's do it! One, two, three, four.

(MUSIC CUE : "MAMA SAID"
SAM : HE'S A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT
DOES HIS THING IN HIS OWN WAY
AND WHEN HE FINALLY SPEAKS TO YOU
HE'S REALLY GOT SOMETHING TO SAY
WHY IS HE CALLED A REBEL
TIFFANI/MATT : I DON'T KNOW
SAM : GOIN THROUGH SOME KIND OF PHASE
CAUSE HE'S DRESSED DOWN IN LEATHER
TIFFANI/MATT : OOH OOH
SAM : AND I'M DRESSED UP IN LACE
TIFFANI/MATT : OOH OOH
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : HE'S THE GUY
TIFFANI/MATT : HE'S THE GUY
SAM : TO BREAK YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : HOW LOVE IS BLIND
THAT'S WHAT MAMA SAID
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : SHE DON'T KNOW
TIFFANI/MATT : SHE DON'T KNOW
SAM : GOT TO FOLLOW WHERE YOUR HEART GOES
TIFFANI/MATT : GOT TO FOLLOW
SAM : WHEN LOVE CALLS
YOU CAN'T SAY NO
THAT'S WHAT MAMA SAID
AND I'M SO PROUD TO SAY I'M HIS GIRL
TIFFANI/MATT : OOH OOH
SAM : CAUSE I KNOW THE GUY I LOVE
IS NOT LIKE ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID
SAM : HE'S THE GUY
TIFFANI/MATT : HE'S THE GUY
SAM : TO BREAK YOUR HEART AND MAKE YOU CRY
TIFFANI/MATT : MAKE YOU CRY
MAMA SAID
SAM : LOVE IS BLIND
THAT'S WHAT MAMA SAID
MAMA SAID
TIFFANI/MATT : PLEASE DON'T GO
SAM : MAMA SAID
TIFFANI/MATT : MAKE YOU CRY
SAM : MAMA SAID
SAM/TIFFANI/MATT : MAMA SAID)

-THE END-