¡°REBEL WITHOUT A CLUE" / Friday - January 15, 1999

MATT : Wow, Sly's in class early.
TONY : Quick, quick, take a picture. We'll send it to Ripley's Believe it or Not.
MATT : No, man! They wouldn't believe it.
SLY : Very funny, guys. But I'm here for a very good reason. I've decided to stop fighting with
      Miss Hess. And I even brought her a rose.
TONY : Oh, I get it. I get it. It's one of those exploding flowers.
MATT : No, man, he wouldn't do that. You dipped the thorns in poison, right?
SLY : No, I'm serious. The war is over.
HESS : Good morning, class.
CLASS : Good morning, Miss Hess.
HESS : Oh, a flower. How sweet. Who is this beautiful gesture from?
SLY : It's a peace offering from me.
HESS : You must think I'm pretty stupid, Sylverster. I know an exploding flower with poison
       thorns when I see one.
SLY : That was real! I paid five bucks for it. Come on, Miss Hess, I'm trying to be a good guy.
HESS : May I suggest a brain transplant? Now let's begin class. Who can name the thirteen
        original colonies?
HESS : Mr. Winkle?
SLY : I didn't raise my hand.
HESS : I know.
SLY : Then why did you call on me?
HESS : For kicks.
SLY : Right. The thirteen colonies...
HESS : On the board, please.
SLY : On the board, please.
HESS : Why don't we plow forward, since this will most likely take Mr. Winkle until the end of
       the semester.
HESS : Benjamin Franklin was a man of many talents -- an inventor...
HESS : ...He was a diplomat...
HESS : ...and, according to some, a real ladies man.
HESS : Well, that was quite amusing, Sylvester.
SLY : Thank you.
HESS : I'm sure your classmates will be equally amused by tomorrow's surprise test.
CLASS : What?
MATT : We're having a test tomorrow?
HESS : Surprise!
SAM : Pacific Coast High's Spring Dance featuring the California Dreams. This is great. My first
      school dance in America, and I'm in the band. Guys always dig girls who sing in bands.
      I can't wait.
TONY : You seem pretty excited.
SAM : Maybe a little.
MATT : This is a great chance for Tiffani to sing that new song we wrote.
TIFFANI : Alright!
JAKE : I don't know, Matt. When we wrote it I kind of heard Sam singing it.
SAM : Alrighter!
TIFFANI : Hold it, Woo. It's two to two.
TONY : No problem. I can settle this. You're talking to the decision-making-dilemma-breaking-
       director-of-disputes.
TIFFANI : You sure are, and that's why I'm sure you'll make the right decision. Just remember
           who's been in the band longer.
SAM : Tiff's got a point. So, your choices are...old and stale or...new and fresh.
TONY : And I'm in deep trouble.
SLY : I can't stand that woman! Because of that witch, Hess, I just spent detention watching the
      Mckay brothers play catch.
MATT : What's wrong with that?
SLY : I was the ball. I'm telling you, Miss Hess is driving me crazy. I've got to get even. I
      need something unexpected. Something unusual. Something I've never done before. I
      think I'll study.
TONY : You're going to study?
SLY : I know. I hate to blow a perfect record, but if I ace that test, Miss Hess will be so hot,
      her nose hairs will catch on fire.
JAKE : That's one campfire I wouldn't bring marshmallows to.
MATT : Okay, what did George Washington say when he crossed the Delaware River?
TONY : Man, those brownies smell good!
MATT : That's not what it says in the book.
MATT : Come on, Sam, we're trying to study here.
SAM : I just want Tony to do well on his test and brownies will help to give him energy.
TONY : Well, Sam, that is very thoughtful.
SAM : No problem. Oh, by the way, have you decided who's getting the song (choose me) yet?
      If not, that's okay (pick Sam) because there's no reason to rush into this (Sam, Sam,
      Sam).
TONY : It just occurred to me who should sing that song.
SAM : Really? And who might that be?
TONY : Sam, Sam, Sam.
MATT : Oh, man, that's so uncool. Tony, she was giving you subliminal messages.
TONY : Oh. Oh, ah, I knew that. I didn't really fall for that stuff. I was leading her on. Forget it,
        Sam. I'll pick it my own way.
SAM : You're right, Tony, that wasn't very cool. I was just (dump the brownies on Matt) excited.
      Goodbye.
MATT : Hey!
TONY : Oh, man, why did I do that? It's a waste of good brownies.
SLY : Hey-ho, boys. Mmm...brownies.
MATT : It's about time you showed up. I thought you wanted to rub an "A" in Miss Hess face?
SLY : I don't know. I figure, what's the point. I must have some kind of mental block because my
      brain can't absorb stuff.
TONY : That's presuming, of course, you do have a brain.
SLY : It's not like I don't want to study, it's just I can't remember anything.
MATT : Sly, why don't you try mnemonics.
SLY : Mnemonics. What a great idea. Now why didn't I think of that? What is mnemonics?
MATT : It's a way to remember things by using word association -- like, um, oh, okay, here's
        one: what General betrayed our military during the Revolutionary War?
SLY : General Electric?
MATT : Baboom.
SLY : I was right?
MATT : No, that's mnemonics. Benedict Arnold Betrayed Our Own Military. B-A-B-O-O-M.
SLY : Alright! Baboom. Benedict Arnold betrayed our own military. Hey, I can do this. What's
      next?
TONY : Pray.
SLY : Okay, P-R-A-Y. Pray. What does that one mean?
TONY : That means if you want an "A" on this test, you better pray.
HESS : Well, it seems like Mr. Winkle is afraid of a few questions. We'll just have to start
       without him.
SLY : Not so fast there, Miss Hess, I'm ready for you.
HESS : And my test is ready for you.
SLY : And my pencil is ready for your test.
HESS : And my test is your worst nightmare.
SLY : And I'm your worst nightmare.
HESS : You got me there. Now, sit.
SLY : Sitting.
SLY : Baboom.
TONY : Where? I didn't see that question.
SLY : No, baboom, as in I'm done.
HESS : Shhh. No babooming!
HESS : Finished so soon, or are we waving the white flag already?
SLY : Finished. And, quite frankly, I am a little disappointed. This wasn't a test. It was a
      mosquito. A mere buzzing in my ear.
HESS : Brave words for one headed to summer school. Maybe I'll grade this right now.
SLY : Bzzzz. Bzzzz.
HESS : Well, well, Sylvester, I've got to hand it to you. You answered every question correctly.
SLY : I know.
HESS : Considering you didn't even get your name right on the last test, this can only mean one
        thing.
SLY : Yep, I studied.
HESS : No, you cheated. You get an "F."
TONY : I don't believe this. Some chump left me a quarter tip.
TIFFANI : Boy, that really ticks me off! You're a good waiter, Tony. You deserve better.
TONY : I know that. Don't tell me. Tell the chump that stiffed me.
TIFFANI : I'll do better than that. I'm going to give you a dollar. I want you to know you're
          appreciated.
TONY : Oh, come on, Tiff, you don't have to...Wait a minute. I see what you're doing. You want
        me to pick you for that song.
TIFFANI : Well, it was worth a shot. Now, give me back my dollar.
SLY : I don't believe this! If I don't study, I fail. If I do study, I fail. There's no winning.
JAKE : Oh, yeah, well, what are you gonna do about it?
SLY : I'll tell you what I'm going to do about it! I'm going to march right up to that disciplinary
      board and to tell them I didn't cheat!
JAKE : Alright, Winkle!
SLY : Yeah. Then they'll call me a liar, and I'll say "thank you very much" and take a make-up
      test.
JAKE : Oooh. What a rebel. Look, man, if you didn't cheat, you shouldn't take a retest.
TIFFANI : But that'll prove his innocence.
JAKE : His word should prove his innocence.
SLY : I don't know, Jake. Even I don't believe myself sometimes.
JAKE : Listen, Sly, this is your chance to take a stand and clear your name.
TONY : Yo, with the disciplinary board, the only thing Sly is going to clear is the goalpost,
        when they boot his butt over it.
MATT : come on, Jake, nobody goes against the disciplinary board.
JAKE : I've done it.
SLY : Thanks, Jake, but I'm not you.
JAKE : Duh. No kidding. But you'll have the next best thing... I'm going with you.
SLY : Really? What's it gonna cost me?
JAKE : Nothing. It's what I do for fellow rebels.
SLY : Well, the price is right. I'm in.
JAKE : Arm?
MATT : Tony, you're going to have to choose between Tiffani and Sam. The dance is only three
        days away.
TONY : I know man. I feel like the last piece of linguini at an Italian family dinner.
SAM : Tony, what a surprise.
TONY : What surprise? This is my locker.
TIFFANI : And what a nice locker it is.
SAM : What's the matter?
TONY : Oh, it's no big deal. My shoulder's just a little sore.
SAM : Well, you're in luck. I know Chinese acupressure.
TIFFANI : Well, I'm a certified candy striper.
MATT : Girls, there's two of you and only one of him.
SAM : You're right.
MATT : No, no, no, I meant... Ah, forget it.
TONY : Ooh...Ahhh.
SAM : He ooh'd for me.
TIFFANI : Well everyone knows that "Ahhhs" are better than "oohs" any day...
TONY : Ooh. Ahhh. Ooh. Owww. Ouch. Yo, that's it! Tomorrow at four o'clock, you two are
        gonna have a sing off. Winner gets the song. Until then, massage Matt.
GUGGENHEIM : Mr. Sommers, what are you doing here?
JAKE : I'm here to defend Mr. Winkle's honor.
JAKE : All right, let me rephrase that. I'm here to defend his innocence.
JAKE : This is going to be tougher than I thought.
WEBER : Before we begin, I want you to know that in this ball park, we value the spirit of fair
         play.
LESTER : Right. Now, we're heard Miss Hess statement. Let's hear your side, you cheater.
JAKE : Hey! Sly studied. He didn't cheat. He deserves an "A"
LESTER : And...?
JAKE : And nothing.
SLY : That's it? Come on, Jake. Say something that'll bring them to our side.
JAKE : Oh, yeah. And under no circumstances will Sylvester agree to retake your stupid test.
SLY : Not quite what I had in mind.
WEBER : Come on, let's get this over with.
SLY : How long does this usually take?
JAKE : I don't know, but the longer they discuss it, the better off you are.
WEBER : Ready...break!
JAKE : Bummer.
BUGGENHEIM : Commitment to a cause almost seems lost these days. And for that, we
                commend you.
SLY : Hey, Jake, they're commending me.
BUGGENHEIM : Nevertheless, we find you guilty and hereby suspend you for one week.
SLY : Hey, Jake, they're suspending me.
TONY : You got suspended?
SLY : No. They gave me a vacation because they like me so much. Of course I got suspended.
JAKE : Hey, I'm proud of you, man, you're a real rebel.
SLY : Arm...?
JAKE : Hey, wear it proudly, Winkle, I don't do it that often.
SLY : So, what's the next step, Jake?
JAKE : There is no next step.
SLY : What? I just get suspended? What kind of stupid plan is that?
JAKE : Hey, sometimes it's not easy being a rebel.
SLY : Sure. Now you tell me.
SAM : Four o'clock. Tiffani here?
MATT : I haven't seen her.
SAM : That settles it, Tony, I win by default. I sing the song at the dance.
TIFFANI : Not so fast, cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater. I wouldn't have been late if you hadn't
          set my watch back.
TONY : Alright. Alright. We'll have the sing-off. Now which one of you wants to go first?
TIFFANI/SAM : I do.
TONY : Forget it. I'll flip a coin.
TIFFANI/SAM : I'll call it.
TONY : Forget it. Tiffani, you go first.
TIFFANI : Oh, thanks, Tony. Did I ever tell you the most brilliant decision maker I've ever...
TONY : Oh, forget that, too. Just sing.
MATt : Two, three, four.
TIFFANI : YOU DON'T KNOW HIM
     THE WAY THAT I DO
I'VE SEEN THE DAMAGE HE'S DONE
  DON'T GO TO HIM
     WITH LOVE THAT IS TRUE
CAUSE HE'S JUST HAVIN SOME FUN
MATT : Great job, Tiff.
SAM : Really good, Tiff.
MATT : Two, three, four.
SAM : YOU DON'T KNOW HIM
THE WAY THAT I DO
I'VE SEEN THE DAMAGE HE'S DONE
DON'T GO TO HIM
WITH A LOVE THAT IS TRUE
CAUSE HE'S JUST HAVIN SOME FUN
JAKE : Hey, all right.
TIFFANI : Oh, Sam, I admit it. You were terrific. Tony, pick her.
SAM : Wait. I think you should pick Tiffani. She was clearly better.
TIFFANI : No, no, you were better.
SAM : No, you.
TONY : Oh, man.
JAKE : Yo, bad boy, what are you doing in school?
SLY : Um...being a rebel?
JAKE : Way to go. Keep it up, Winkle.
SLY : Hey, I'm a rock.
SLY : Miss Hess, please, I don't want to be suspended. I want to take the make-up test.
HESS : You'll get your chance in summer school.
SLY : I hate summer school. Please give me one more chance. Please, please, please?
HESS : I'll give you one more chance.
SLY : YES!
HESS : One chance to get off school property before I have you expelled.
SLY : Oh, yeah? Beg all you want. I'm not retaking your stupid test! Oh, Jake, I didn't see you
      there.
JAKE : Well maybe that's because you were too busy being a suck up.

(MUSIC CUE : "IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU"
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : LIFE WOULDN'T MEAN A THING
  YOU JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
  THE JOY THAT YOU BRING
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MATT : YOU BABY
ALL : IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
YEAH
IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU)

MATT : Alright. Thank you. Right now we'd like to play a new song for you. You guys cool
        with Tony's decision?
MATT : Let's do it. One, two, three, four.

(MUSIC CUE : "STAND BACK"
SAM : YOU DON'T KNOW HIM
THE WAY THAT I DO
I'VE SEEN THE DAMAGE HE'S DONE
TIFFANI : DON'T GO TO HIM
WITH A LOVE THAT IS TRUE
CAUSE HE'S JUST HAVIN SOME FUN
SAM : YOUR HEART IS ON THE LINE
THINK ABOUT IT ONE MORE TIME
TIFFANI : IS IT WORTH ALL OF THE HEARTACHE
     ARE YOU MAKIN A BIG MISTAKE
MATT/JAKE : STAND BACK
TIFFANI : STAND BACK
MATT/JAKE : WATCH OUT GIRL
TIFFANI : HE'LL TEAR YOU UP AND HE'LL DO YOU IN
MATT/JAKE : STAND BACK
SAM : STAND BACK - WATCH OUT GIRL
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE - DON'T LET HIM IN
STAND BACK
MATT/JAKE : STAND BACK, STAND BACK
TIFFANI : THINK OF ALL THE HEARTS HE'S BROKEN
AND ALL THE TRUTH LEFT UNSPOKEN
SAM : DON'T BE ANOTHER LINK IN HIS CHAIN
CAUSE HE'LL DO IT AGAIN - OH YEAH
ALL : STAND BACK
SAM : STAND BACK
WATCH OUT GIRL
HE'LL TEAR YOU UP AND HE'LL DO YOU IN
MATT/JAKE : STAND BACK
TIFFANI : STAND BACK
DON'T GET TOO CLOSE - DON'T LET HIM IN
SAM/TIFFANI : DON'T YOU LET HIM DO IT AGAIN
EVERYONE : STAND BACK)

MATT : Tiffani Smith and Samantha Woo. We're taking a five, so hang in there.
TIFFANI : Tony, your idea worked. Thanks.
TONY : No problem. All in a day's work for an incredibly-amazing-peace-making-genius like
        myself.
JAKE : Give me a break, genius. It took you a week to come up with a duet.
TONY : At least they're not suspended, Mr. Fancy Pants Rebel.
MATT : Too bad Sly's missing out on this.
SAM : May I help you, sir?
SLY : Sure. You can help me by getting out of the way.
SLY : Is there a Miss Hess here?
SLY : Miss Hess, the student body has chosen me, Ben Franklin, to honor you as History
      Teacher of the Year.
HESS : How exciting! You know, Ben, you're my favorite historical figure.
SLY : Really? Well, I'm kind of partial to Martha Washington. Hubba-hubba.
HESS : Sylvester! What are you doing here? You're suspended.
SLY : You wouldn't listen to me any other way.
HESS : Well, it's going to be even harder to hear you when you're expelled.
SLY : Wait. Just wait, please. You told us in class that Ben Franklin went to jail for publicly
      airing grievances?
HESS : Oh, I didn't realize you were awake.
SLY : Just give me a chance to do the same. A public re-test. Right here, right now.
MATT : Come on, give him a chance.
TONY : Yeah, give him a chance.
HESS : Alright, alright, alright, alright! Three questions. Miss one, and you're expelled. We'll
       start easy. What document did Benjamin Franklin draft at the Albany Congress in 1754?
SLY : The Plan of the Union.
HESS : That's correct.
HESS : In the winter of 1777, what did they offer in town that made thousands of soldiers
       desert General Washington at Valley Forge?
SLY : Uh, food, clothing and horses.
HESS : That's correct.
HESS : Now here's a toughie. If you get this right, I'll believe you didn't cheat. What two states
       didn't sign the Articles of Confederation?
SLY : Well, there was Maryland...and uh...there was Maryland...two states? I thought Maryland
      was the only one that didn't sign. I guess I blew it.
HESS : On the contrary, you are correct. It was a trick question. Maryland was the only state.
SLY : Then I guess I get an "A" on my test?
HESS : No.
HESS : You get an "A" plus, and my sincere apology for doubting you.
JAKE : Sly, I take back what I said about you being a suck-up. I mean, you were a rebel--but
       in your own way.
SLY : Thanks, Jake. Coming from you that means a lot.
JAKE : Although I have to admit I wouldn't have let old Hess get off so easy.
SLY : I didn't.

-THE END-