¡°THE SLY WHO CAME TO DINNER¡±/Thursday - January 14, 1999

(MUSIC CUE : "LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS ON THE RADIO"
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS
TONY/JAKE : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM : LOVE IS NOT LIKE NO NO NO
TONY/JAKE : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS ON THE RADIO
  LOVE IS LIKE THIS
TONY/JAKE : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM : LOVE IS NOT LIKE NO NO NO
TONY/JAKE : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM : LOVE IS NOT LIKE THIS ON THE RADIO)

TIFFANI : Wow! They love us!
TONY : Yeah, but they hate Sly. They're smacking that sucker silly.
JAKE : Smartest people we ever played for.
SAM : I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I feel sorry for Sly.
MATT : Yeah, kind of like the way you feel sorry for the monkeys at the zoo.
SAM : Come on, Matt. I'd like to dedicate our last song to someone who means a lot to us. Our
       manager, Sly Winkle.
MATT : Okay, let's do it! One, two, three, four.

(MUSIC CUE : "HANDLE WITH CARE"
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : HANDLE IT WITH CARE
SAM : THEY SAY THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING
 LOOKS LIKE MY TIME TIME HAS COME
 LIKE THUNDER AND LIGHTNING IN MY HEART
 I REALIZE THAT YOU'RE THE ONE
 LOVE IS STRONG
MATT/TIFFANI : LOVE IS STRONG
SAM : AND I'M WEAK FOR YOU
IF IT'S WRONG
SAM/MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
SAM : HEY BABY
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER FELT LIKE THIS EBFORE
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : THIS IS LOVE AND THAT'S FOR SURE
      HEY BABY
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER GAVE AWAY MY HEART BEFORE
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : I SWEAR
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : I SWEAR
SAM : HANDLE IT WITH CARE
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : OOOH OOOH OOOH
SAM : DARLING YOU'RE THE ONE
 WHO DID THIS TO ME
SAM/MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : OOOH OOOH OOOH OOOH
 DON'T FORGET OUR LIPS MET
 AND WE MADE HISTORY
SAM : HEY BABY
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : THIS IS LOVE AND THAT'S FOR SURE
HEY BABY
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER GAVE AWAY MY HEART BEFORE
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : I SWEAR
MATT/TIFFANI/TONY : I SWEAR
SAM : HANDLE IT WITH CARE)

MATT : Thanks, everybody, and have a good night.
SLY : Hey, Sam, I never knew you felt that way.
SAM : After all you've done for us, it's my pleasure.
SLY : Guys, did you hear that? Sam's hot for me. She said I'm her pleasure.
JAKE : The only way she'd be hot for you is if you shoved a chili pepper up her nose.
SAM : Hey, Tiff, someone left these for you.
TIFFANI : "Dearest Tiffani" That's me. "I love how you sing/I love all your poses/Here's my first
           gift/A dozen, red flowers/ Signed, Big Bart." Cool, I've got a fan.
SAM : You mean a lunatic! This note has psycho, nut-case written all over it!
JAKE : What are you talking about? Just 'cause a guy can't rhyme doesn't mean he howls at the
       moon in his undies.
SAM : No, right here it says, "Here's my first gift."
TONY : Oh man, she's right. That means there's more coming. That's a sure sign of an obsessed
        fan.
JAKE : Come on, guys. So she got some flowers and a little weird note. All right, let's not get
       carried away, okay.
TIFFANI : I agree. I'm taking my flowers and going home.
JAKE : Alone? At this hour? No way! Tony, you check the parking lot for freaks, and I'll sneak
       her out behind you.
TONY : Are you alone, Garrison?
MATT : Do you see anyone else, Secret Agent double-O-dummy?
TONY : Bring her in!
JAKE : We're in, pea brain.
TONY : Oh man, you didn't wait for the signal.
TIFFANI : Oh, guys, I think you're taking this bodyguard thing a little too far.
JAKE : Hey, you can never be too careful.
TIFFANI : Well, I know, but did you have to frisk my dad when I got home?
TONY : Oh, sure, sure. He says he's your dad...
MATT : Hey, Sly.
TIFFANI : Hi, Sly. How's it going?
SLY : Yeah, yeah. Hey ho.
MATT : What's wrong?
SLY : I just found out my parents are going away and they're making me stay with my grandma.
TIFFANI : Don't you like your grandmother?
SLY : Not when I spend the whold time convincing her my name isn't Beavis.
SAM : Hi.
GANG : Hi, Sam.
SAM : Guys, you're going to have to rehearse without me. I just got slammed with a ten-page
       history report.
SLY : Hey, I love history. Why don't we go grab a pizza and discuss a few dates? Heh-heh-
      heh.
SAM : Sorry, Sly. For the next week, the only people who are going to see me are the ones
       who live in this house.
TONY : Aw, poor Sylvester. It's over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house
        you go.
SLY : Oh yeah? Not if my childhood chum, bosom buddy, best-o friend-o lets me share his
      room.
MATT : Hey, Sly, I don't have a problem with you staying here. I think it'd be fun. It's my dad
        you have to convince.
SLY : Aw, that's a cinch. Your dad loves me.
DAD : No way, no how, not ever!!
MATT : Ssssh! He'll hear you.
DAD : You mean he's here?
DAD : Hi, Sly. You know, Sly, any other week, I'd be thrilled to have you stay here, but Matt's
      mom's out of town, I have term papers to correct, and most importantly, I don't trust you,
      Sly.
SLY : That's okay, Mr. Garrison, I understand. I'll just go stay with my grandma.
DAD : Is she still calling you Beavis?
SLY : No, now she thinks I'm her dead dog, Fluffy. I just hope she doesn't make me eat Kibbles
      'n' Bits again.
MATT : Come on, Dad.
SLY : Woof. Woof.
DAD : Okay, Fluffy, you can stay. But keep off the furniture.
SLY : All right, Mr. G., you won't regret it.
DAD : Yeah.
SLY : Mmmmmmm!
SAM : It's so nice of you to cook dinner so I can work on my report, Sly. How can I thank
       you?
SLY : Well, um, I'm always open for a big wet one.
SAM : You're so funny, Sly.
DAD : Wow. I guess I misjudged you, Sly. What are we having for dinner?
SLY : Oh, I don't know what you're having, but Sam and I are having Tortellini Winkilini.
DAD : Maybe I didn't misjudge you.
MATT : Frozen pizza, Dad?
DAD : Great.
DAD : What are sneakers doing in my microwave... Sly?
SLY : Oh, they got soaked when the washing machine overflowed.
DAD : The washing machine overflowed?!
SLY : Yeah, but don't worry, I mopped it up with that rag over there.
MATT : Hey! That's my favorite sweater!
DAD : Get these sneakers out--!
SLY : You sure are working hard.
SAM : Mmm.
SLY : I bet those shoulders are pretty tense.
SAM : Mmm.
SLY : How's this?
SAM : Mmmmmmmmm.
SLY : I know what will make you feel even better.
MATT : Hey, Sly, we'd better go. The movie starts in a half hour.
SLY : No can do, Matt. Sam and I haven't finished our paper yet.
MATT : Our paper? Since when did it become our paper?
SAM : Well it sort of is, since Sly's been helping me so much.
SLY : I'm sorry I'm bailing on you, Matt. I promise I'll be a better friend next time. Hey, ice
      cream. Cool.
MATT : Keep it. I'm going to the movies.
SAM : Well, I'm finished writing it, now I have to type it.
SLY : They make you type it, too? Who are these people?
SAM : Yeah, and I'm so slow it's gonna take me forever.
SLY : Step aside. Let Winkle's fingers do the typing.
SAM : Wow,  you are fast. Thanks a lot. Um, since you don't need me, I'm going to catch that
      movie with Matt. See you later.
SLY : Wait. I...
SLY : Shmukleputz...Ipsnot?
MATT : Would/you/knock/it off/before/I come/and kill/you?
SLY : Matt, I have to do this. I promised Sam I'd help her.
MATT : Why did you agree to type her report when you've never even seen a typewriter?
SLY : Hey, I figured how tough could it be? I know the alphabet. I just don't know why they
      rearranged it.
SLY : Finished.
MATT : Finally! Maybe now I can get some sleep.
SLY : Now for page two.
MATT : Sly! If you don't knock it off, I'm going to throw you and the typewriter out the
        window.
SLY : Boy oh boy, you sure are grouchy at three in the morning.
MATT : Now what are you doing?
SLY : Relax. It's the Soothing Sounds of Nature. It helps me fall asleep.
MATT : It's not too bad. I guess you're right, Sly. I'll be asleep in no time.
MATT : Sly, you've got to be kidding me! Sly. Sly?
MATT : Oh, man.
SAM : It felt so good to finally hand that paper in. And I owe it all to you, Sly. You're a really
       great guy. Thank you.
SLY : Baboom!
TONY : You're close, man. Don't blow it by being yourself.
SLY : Hey, I've got an idea. Why don't we celebrate over a romantic dinner? Then, take a
      moonlit stroll on the beach.
SAM : That sounds wonderful. I'll go change so we can leave right after rehearsal.
SLY : Alright-Baboom! I'm going to the corner and get me some cashola.
TIFFANI : Oh, that's alright, I can lend you some money.
SLY : No, I've got money, Cashola's my fovorite cologne. Heh-heh.
TIFFANI : Hey, guys, check this out. "Here's my next gift/Made by my Mom/Open it up/And
           you'll find something yummy/Signed, Big Bart."
TONY : Uh, Tiffani, you better let the men open this. There could be anything in here.
JAKE : Don't touch it!!
TONY : What?! What?!
JAKE : Mom and yummy don't rhyme! What rhymes with Mom?
TONY/JAKE : Bomb!!!
JAKE : Just stay cool. Whatever you do, don't panic.
TONY : AAAaaaaahhhhh!!!
MATT : Where is that low-life, Sly?
JAKE : Don't ask questions! Just turn on the sink! Just turn on the sink!
MATT : Why am I doing this?! Why am I doing this?!
TIFFANI : Congratulations, Jake. You just defused a box of chocolate bon-bons.
DAD : Where is that low-life, Sly? He used the term papers I was grading to soak up his bacon
      grease. And, now one of the papers is missing.
DAD : Look, I can't take anymore. I'm shipping Fluffy off to his grandmother's tonight.
MATT : Sly, we need to talk. You've been here for three days and... how do I put this nicely...
DAD : Get out! Get out now!
SLY : That's okay, Mr. Garrison. I know when I've overstayed my welcome. I'll just grab my
      things and... Oww...
DAD : What's the matter, Sly?
SLY : Oh, nothing. It's just this chronic condition I have.
MATT : What chronic condition?
SLY : This doctor's note should explain it.
DAD : "Sylverster Winkle suffers from chronic migraine headaches, which can cause memory
       lapses..."
SLY : I'll just grab my bags and be on my way.
DAD : "...and in some severe episodes, muscle spasms."
DAD : "If symptoms persist, he requires immediate bed rest and a stress-free environment."
MATT : Now what? We can't kick him out like this.
DAD : We were so close.
MATT : That's the eleventh time you gonged. It'd better be important.
SLY : Oh, it is, trust me. Can you straighten out my picture of the Laker girls. It's a little
      crooked.
MATT : Are you serious?
SLY : It's stressing me out and my doctor's note says "no stress."
MATT : Right, no stress.
MATT : How's this?
MATT : Okay, okay.
SLY : And when you're done with that, fold my laundry.
SAM : What can I get you, Sly?
SLY : Oh, I don't need anything but your company. And maybe a little shoulder rub.
SAM : Well, after all you've done for me, it's the least I can do. And as soon as you get
       better, I'm going to take you up on that date, but let's forget dinner and skip right to
       that moonlit stroll on the beach. How's that sound?
SLY : Forget the laundry, Matt. You can leave.
MATT : But I haven't finished folding yet.
SLY : Oh, oh. I feel a spasm coming on.
MATT : I'm going. I'm going.
SLY : Mmmmmm.
JAKE : Are you sure Big Bart's going to be here?
TIFFANI : Yeah, that's what the note says, "My last gift for you/Is going to be fun/Meet me at
           Sharkey's/I'll be wearing a tie. Signed Big Bart."
JAKE : Okay, Tiff, you stay here. When Big Bart makes his move, we'll drag him outside and
        toss him in the dumpster.
TONY : Yeah, in the mean time, we'll be over there blending in.
TIFFANI : Hi, Matt. How's Sly?
MATT : Oh, still sick. I could have sworn he was faking it. I even brought his doctor's note to
        the school nurse to prove it.
TIFFANI : Well, what did she say?
MATT : She said it's for real, then gave me a flu shot.
MATT : Ow!
SAM : I am so mad at Sly! That leech took one of your Dad's term papers, typed a new cover
       page and tried to pass it off as my history report.
MATT : Sam, this is great!
SAM : Great? A D minus is not great.
MATT : No, no, look: the letter K is off-center on your cover page and on Sly's doctor's note.
SAM : So?
MATT : So, that means these were typed on the same typewriter. Sly typed this doctor's note!
TIFFANI : You mean he's been faking it this whole time?
MATT : Dad's going to love hearing this.
JAKE : Tony, look! That guy's big and he's wearing a tie. That must be Big Bart!
TONY : Yeah, but how do we know for sure?
JAKE : Well, we could ask him.
TONY : Yeah, right. Like he's gonna tell us the truth. Let's give him a "poetry test." If he can't
        rhyme, it's him!
JAKE : Yeah.
TONY : Yeah. Heh-heh.
JAKE : Excuse me, we're having trouble finishing this poem. Maybe you could help us?
TONY : Roses are red/Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet...
BIG GUY : Get out of my face.
TONY/JAKE : It's him!!
BART : Your last gift is here/So turn around slowly/I hope that you like it/Because I do.
TIFFANI : You're Big Bart?
BART : Yeah, and I want to give you my last gift: Me!
TIFFANI : Oh, well, that's very nice, but I don't think I can accept...you.
BART : But, I've been in love with you since kindergarten.
TIFFANI : Aw, that's sweet. Will you join me for a milk shake?
BART : Oh, uh, I'd like to, but I'm allergic to dairy products.
TIFFANI : Well, then how about a soda?
TIFFANI : I take that as a yes.
MATT : I don't know, Dad, you think Sly's stupid enough to fall for your plan?
SLY : Ahhhhhhh!
DAD : Duh, yup, yup, yupperoo.
SLY : Look at me! My face! My beautiful face!
MATT : Calm down, Sly. You're getting all stressed out.
SAM : Yeah, you're giving yourself blue spots.
DAD : I hate to admit it, but at first I thought you were faking. Your face looks horrible.
SLY : I was faking!
MATT/DAD/SAM : You were?
SLY : Yeah, everything. The note, the term paper, your history report, all of it.
SAM : You had me, Sly. I was actually starting to like you. But why did you have to go and
       steal the paper?
SLY : I can't help it. I was born with no conscience. Just please help me get rid of these blue
      spots.
SAM : If you ask me, it looks like a disease that's very common in Hong Kong. It's called the
      Blue Death.
MATT : Whoa! That doesn't sound very good at all.
DAD : Oh, it isn't. I've heard, even if you do survive, those dots become permanent.
SLY : Great. So, I either die, or go through life half-man, half-smurf.
SAM : Yeah, unless you get proper treatment immediately.
SLY : Wh-what?! What is it?! I'll do anything!
SAM : Acupuncture.
SLY : You mean the stuff with the needles?
SAM : Don't worry, Sly, you won't feel a thing.
MATT : Yup.
SLY : A hammer?! What's that for?!
MATT : Oh, that's to make sure the needles stay in.
SLY : Grandma, Fluffy's coming!!!

-THE END-