¡°Dream Man¡± / Monday - January 18, 1999

MATT : This is great--this is awesome--this is perfect--this is terrible!
TONY : Very happenin tune, Matt. You should put some words do it.
MATT : Now, there's an idea; words to music. That would kind of be like a song, huh?
TONY : Heads up -- man with an attitude.
MATT : I'm sorry, Tony. I'm just having a hard time writing this song.
TONY : No sweat man. Only a hollow-headed-don't-care-about-anybody-else-chump would
        bug a dude while he's creating.
SLY : Yo, Matt! I just came up with a way to put the California Dreams on top... Firebreathing!
MATT : Sly, I...
SLY : No, no, no, no. Picture this: the stadium is dark, you rush onto the stage, open your
      mouth, and WHOOSH -- out comes fire! Everyone in the front row has singed
      evebrows. Hot, huh?
MATT : Great, Sly.
TONY : You guys keep talking business. I'm going to seek out some pleasure.
SLY : And pleasure's name is Jenny. Lead on, Antoine.
TONY : Afternoon, Jasmine. You are as fine as wine, and if I had a glass I would drink a toast
       to your beauty.
JASMINE : You better take your smooth-talking-wine-drinking-desperate-for-a-date-behind
           and get out of my face.
SLY : Ouch. Now watch a professional at work.
JENNY : Sly, don't bother. I only date humans.
TIFFANI : Hi, Jenny, you're smiling. You've been tormenting Sly again haven't you?
JENNY : It's one of life's little pleasures.
TIFFANI : Listen, my Dad's going out of town on business, tonight. Is it okay if I stay at your
           house?
JENNY : Sure--my parents won't mind. Hey, Jasmine, why don't you come over, too? And, I'll
         call Penny and see if she's into it.
TIFFANI : Cool, it'll be like a slumber party.
SLY : Slumber party -- the ultimate spectator sport.
TONY : Oh, yeah.
TIFFANI : These brownies are so good.
JENNY : Yeah, but it takes twenty-two hours of Jane Fonda to burn off one of those.
JASMINE : There's one left -- who wants it?
JENNY : Touch it and you die!
PENNY : Jenny, like, our taste is so similar. I mean if I saw this dress in a store I'd totally buy
         it.
JENNY : You did buy it. I borrowed it from you.
TIFFANI : I don't believe it! This is the diary I gave you on your twelfth birthday.
JENNY : Please, Tiffani. Girls keep diaries. Women keep journals.
TIFFANI : "Dear Diary. Today is my twelfth birthday -- who'd have thought I'd live this long?
           This diary is a gift from my overly happy friend, Tiffani. Next to her, Santa Claus is
           a depressed, bitter, old, fat man.." Yeah, I did used to be kind of perky, huh?
TONY : Hi, Matt.
MATT : Aaargh.
TONY : Sorry, man. Did I blow your concentration?
MATT : That's okay, Tony. What's up?
TONY : Do I need a reason to come visit my good friend, Matt?
MATT : Jasmine's at Jenny's party, huh?
TONY : You know it!
SLY : Hey-ho, boyz.
MATT : Sly, what a surprise. You weren't spying on the girls, were you?
SLY : I was until they pulled down the shades.
TONY : Sly, man, you can't go around looking in girls windows. That's what peepholes are for.
        Where is it, Matt?
MATT : There is no peephole. I don't spy on my sister -- that's gross.
SLY : All right, so we can't look. That doesn't mean we can't listen.
MATT : Excuse me, Doctors, but I need some quiet to finish my song.
TONY : What are we going to do?
SLY : I've got an idea.
SLY : YO! DENNIS!!!
MATT : That's it! I'm out of here. Guys, do what you want.
TONY : Hey, Dennis, my man, my star, my favorite Garrison. How about a favor?
DENNIS : I am not helping you spy on Jenny. She's my sister.
SLY : I'll give you a nice shiny quarter.
DENNIS : Five bucks and not a penny less.
SLY : Done.
TIFFANI : O-kay, Jenny. Last week you were at the drive in with Robert Felcher and the
           windows were all steamed up. What were you doing?
JENNY : I'm not answering that. What's the dare?
TIFFANI : Okay, okay, the dare is tomorrow you have to kiss Sly!
JENNY : No way, I'll answer the question.
DENNIS : Jenny, I was in here this afternoon, and I lost Phil. Have you seen him?
JENNY : Who's Phil?
DENNIS : My pet tarantula.
MATT : Jenny, could you guys go shriek and giggle somewhere else? I'm trying to write this
        song.
JENNY : I know, Matt, you've been working on it for days. Maybe you're just not talented
         anymore. Did you ever think of that?
TIFFANI : What's it about? Maybe I can help.
MATT : Okay. It's about a guy who moves to the beach from the mid-west. But he doesn't fit
        in -- he can't swim he can't surf...
TIFFANI : Can he play volleyball?
MATT : Huh?
TIFFANI : Well, if he can play volleyball he can meet new people and forge new friendships.
MATT : That might work. You want to try writing some lyrics?
TIFFANI : Really? I'd love to.
TONY : Hey, Matt, check these out. Ladies! I didn't know you were. and Jasmine! What a
        pleasant surprise.
JENNY : What are you doing here, Tony?
TONY : Well, I was helping Matt with his new song. What do you think of this, Jasmine?
TONY : "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO I DESIRE.
  MY HEART IS BURNING, IT'S ON FIRE.
  THAT I FEEL THIS WAY IS NOT SURPRISING,
  WHEN YOU'RE AROUND MY TEMPERATURE'S
  RISING."
JASMINE : Nice try, Tony, but Matt's song is about the beach.
TONY : Well...the beach is hot, baby.
JASMINE : And the ocean's cold, baby. So why don't you dive in and cool off?!
JENNY : I can't believe Sly's not here. He's like a dog, always under my feet.
TIFFANI : Tony must really like you. I have never seen him that persistent.
JASMINE : Oh, I definitely think he's cute. But what bothers me is that he's never real. He's
           always got some lame come on line.
JENNY : Shh. Did you guys hear something?
SLY : No.
JENNY : I guess it was nothing.
PENNY : Well, if a guy wrote me love poems, I'd know he was my dream man.
TIFFANI : My dream man loves children, and wears sweaters, and likes fish tanks, and trollies...
           Oh my gosh, I just described Mr. Rogers!
JENNY : Well, I know exactly what my dream man would be like...
JENNY : He's handsome and honest, loves French food, fine art, and foreign films. And the first
        time I see him, he'll be wearing an Italian suit and a silk tie, and he'll say something
        incredibly romantic.
SLY : "Romantic..." I could do that.
MATT : Are you serious? You finished the lyrics already? That's great.
TIFFANI : I think you're really going to love it. It's called, "Tommy Can't Swim."
MATT : Okay, let's do it.
TIFFANI : TOMMY CAME FROM THE HILLS OF IOW-AY
TO LIVE ON THE BEACH IN SUNNY L.A.
HE KNEW HOW TO FARM AND HOW TO BREED
CATTLE,
BUT WHEN IT CAME TO SWIMMING HE
COULDN'T DOGGIE PADDLE.
TOMMY CAN'T SWIM, TOMMY CAN'T SURF,
TOMMY CAN'T THROW A FRISBEE.
TOMMY CAN'T TAN, TOMMY CAN'T CLAM,
TOMMY'S ALLERGIC TO SAND FLEAS.
TIFFANI : Why'd you stop? I have a whole nother verse. Where Tommy spikes the volleyball
           and impresses them all.
MATT : I, uh, I was just... so... moved.
TIFFANI : Really? That's great! Can we play it at practice today?
MATT : No! Why don't I hold on to this for awhile. We'll let it breathe.
TIFFANI : Okay. I'm so glad you liked it.
TONY : I'm telling you, I'm worried about Jasmine. I think she might be sick. The girl turned
       me down for a date -- twice.
JENNY : Obviously it's the first time you've met a girl with taste.
TIFFANI : Sly, is that really you?
SLY : You're looking at the new, honest and sensitive, Sylvester Winkle.
SLY : It took me forever to find you, but now that I have I'll never let you go.
JENNY : What's going on? This is a joke, right?
SLY : I assure you, Jennifer, this is no joke. I've shed my cocoon of adolescence and spread
      wide my wings of manhood.
MATT : Oh, man.
SLY : I'll let you get back to practice. I just wanted to give you the flowers. Besides, I have to
      drive my mother's church group to the Museum of Fine Arts.
TONY : Why don't you check into a mental institution on the way, Sylvester!
TIFFANI : Are you okay, Jenny? You are awfully quiet.
JENNY : I've been feeling weird ever since practice. I'm actually thinking about Sly...as a guy.
TIFFANI : But you hate Sly.
JENNY : I know, but I might like him.
TIFFANI : Are we talking about Sylvester Winkle?
JENNY : I know. How could I like him? He's sleazy, he's slimy...
JENNY : ...He's actually cute. What's wrong with me?
SLY : Hello, ladies. I was wondering if I could join you?
TIFFANI : Sure. I was just leaving anyway.
SLY : That's a great color for you, Jenny. It brings out your eyes.
JENNY : Thank you, Sly. You look pretty good yourself.
JENNY : What is wrong with me?
SLY : Jenny, I was wondering--if you're not busy tomorrow evening, I know this romantic
      French bistro, and after dinner we could catch a foreign film.
JENNY : That sounds...wonderful. Wait a second who's paying?
SLY : I am of course.
JENNY : Unbelievable.
JENNY : You're incredible. First Dinner, and then a foreign film with subtitles. I didn't even
        know you could read.
SLY : Oh, Jennifer, I love your sense of humor.
JENNY : Wow. Sly, I owe you an apoloty--I was wrong about you. For twelve years I've
        thought you were a lying, deceitful, little sneak.
SLY : Well, sometimes it takes twelve years to really get to know a person.
SLY : Good night, Jennifer. And thank you for a wonderful evening.
MATT : Jenny, you're humming.
JENNY : Am I? I guess I'm just happy.
MATT : Why?
JENNY : Does a person need a reason to be happy?
MATT : A person? No. You? Yes.
JENNY : Matt, I know this is hard to believe, but I think Sly might be the man of my dreams.
JENNY : I know it's weird, Matt. But he knows my inner thoughts without my having to tell him.
MATT : Jenny, get some rest.
DENNIS : All right, Jenny. Where's Sly? That cheapskate still owes me five bucks.
JENNY : Dennis, Dennis, Dennis. Why would a great guy like Sly owe money to a pipsqueak
         like you?
DENNIS : You wouldn't think he was so great if you knew what the five bucks was for.
JENNY : Um, Dennis? Why don't you tell me why does Sly owe you money?
DENNIS : Let it go, Jenny. You don't want to know.
JENNY : Actually, Dennis, I do. Tell me.
DENNIS : Sorry, Jenny, it was a business arrangement.
JENNY : I'll give you ten bucks.
DENNIS : Deal! Remember my spider? Well, Sly promised me five bucks to get you out of the
          room so he could hide undr your bed.
JENNY : Sly?? Under my bed???!!! He's a dead man.
MATT : I shouldn't have let Tiffani write those lyrics. Now if I tell her I don't like them, she'll
        be so upset, she'll probably take a vow of silence and become a nun. Oh man. I sound
        like Jenny.
TONY : Let me ask you a question, Matt.
MATT : Sure, anything.
TONY : Am I a desirable man?
MATT : What? Haven't you been listening to me?
TONY : No. I've got my own problems. No matter what I say, no matter how cute I am,
        Jasmine still treats me like the invisible brother.
MATT : Maybe she just doesn't like you. You know, it's okay if one girl in the world doesn't fall
        head over heels in love with you.
TONY : It is?
MATT : Yeah. It happens.
TONY : Matt, you just opened my eyes to a possibility I never knew existed.
TONY : Excuse me, Jasmine.
JASMINE : You just don't give up, do you?
TONY : That's why I'm here. It has come to my attention that for some reason you are just not
        attracted to me.
TONY : I apologize for bothering you.
JASMINT : Tony? Wait.
TONY : Hey, what was that for?
JASMINE : Because, Mr. Wicks, that was the first time you didn't use a line on me -- you were
           honest.
TONY : I'll be right back. Okay, right back. You were wrong! So, baby, let's go be honest on the
        beach.
JASMINE : Okay.
JENNY : Excuse me, my man is here.
SLY : You wanted to see me, my angel?
JENNY : Yes, darling. How would you feel about a romantic dinner at my place tonight?
SLY : That sounds lovely.
JENNY : Until then.
JENNY : What are you looking at? Let's practice.
TIFFANI : Great! And, I think we should start off with that new song, right Matt?
TONY : What new song is that... Matt?
MATT : Look, Tiffani, I've got to be honest with you. I wasn't a hundred percent in love with
        your lyrics.
TIFFANI : Well, what did you think...good?
MATT : That's not exactly the word I was looking for. They were...
TIFFANI : Bad?
MATT : That's the word.
TIFFANI : Oh, I see.
MATT : I'm sorry, Tif.
TIFFANI : You know what really hurts? Is that you didn't trust our friendship enough to tell me
          the truth.
MATT : I know. You're right--I'm sorry.
TIFFANI : Okay, I forgive you.
JENNY : That's it?! You forgive him.
TIFFANI : Well, what do you want me to do?
JENNY : I want you to tell him how you really feel.
TIFFANI : You mean tell him that he's a cowardly wimp? Tell him he lacks the guts to stand
           behind his own opinion to tell a person the truth? As if he's the Albert Einstein of
           lyrics and that my entire self worth depends on his approval.
JENNY : Well, that would be a start.
TIFFANI : Sorry, I just don't have it in me.
SLY : Hello, Jennifer.
JENNY : Sly.
SLY : I never thought tonight would get here.
JENNY : Well, they say good things come to those who wait.
SLY : But the waiting's over, isn't it? Give me a kiss.
JENNY : Not yet. This isn't the time.
SLY : It's going to be soon, right?
JENNY : Yes. But first, sit. Let's have something to drink.
JENNY : Oh, I'm sorry, Sly--it slipped.
SLY : No problem. It's my father's shirt. I'll just slip it back in his closet. And he'll never know.
JENNY : Good. I'll get the soup.
SLY : Mmm, mmm, good.
JENNY : Oh, I'm sorry. i missed.
SLY : Shhhh...thank you.
JENNY : I'll get the entree.
SLY : Whatever are we having?
JENNY : Shish-kebab.
SLY : No! Let's skip dinner. Let's talk.
JENNY : Okay.
JENNY : Not yet, the time still isn't right.
SLY : It's perfect for me.
JENNY : No. There is a perfect time. There is a perfect way and I describe it in all of its
         glorious detail in my journal.
JENNY : Oh, I almost forgot, I have a persent for you. I'll be right back... dream man.
SLY : Kiss, kiss, kiss. Ah, here it is. "Dear Journa. I invited Sly over for a romantic dinner
      tonight. I know he plans to kiss me, but the only thing he's going to kiss is the fat end
      of a Louisville Slugger." Uh-oh.
JENNY : You mole! You slimy despicable weasel! How dare you hide under my bed?!
SLY : I can explain.
JENNY : How dare you use my private thoughts to manipulate me?!
SLY : Come on, Jenny. We had fun. We shared a couple of laughs. Hey, sorry it didn't work out.
JENNY : How dare you take advantage of my dreams!? Sly, you hurt me.
SLY : Oh. Jenny, I never meant to hurt you. I'm really sorry. I know what it's like to be hurt.
JENNY : Give me a break.
SLY : No really. Back in the fourth grade I had this really big crush on Stacey Foster, but she
      didn't know I existed so I wrote her a love letter, me.
SLY : I put my heart and soul into that letter. I could barely breathe as she opened it. Then
      she read it, and she laughed. Then she read it to her friends and they laughed. And then
      she read it to the class and the teacher laughed.
JENNY : Oh, Sly, I'm sorry. I had no idea.
SLY : Yeah. I just keep it buried deep down inside.
JENNY : Well, maybe I've been too hard on you. If you ever need to talk.
SLY : You know, I really appreciate that Jenny. But what I really need is for you to...plant a big
      wet one right here.
JENNY : I'll plant you!

-THE END-