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“A QUESTION OF MATH”/ Thursday - January 21, 1999
SLY : Baboom!!
JAKE : Oh, my notes! You're a dead man, Winkle!
TIFFANI : Jake, calm down. Save your energy for mid-terms. There are better ways to handle
Sly. Observe... Do it again and you'll be pulling lead out of your ear for a week!
JAKE : Isn't she great. Come here, you.
SAM : I hate mid-terms. They're nothing but a sadistic plot by teachers to get back at us
because we're still young, and they're bald.
TONY : Salutations my diligent colleagues. Allow me to mete out your post meridian sustenance.
GANG : Heh?
TONY : I said, "Hey, guys, here's your food." This is how I'm studying for my English mid-
term.
SAM : Wow. You've got the vocabulary part down cold.
MATT : Too bad there's no vocab on the mid-term.
TONY : Oh, man. I am one insipid, fatuous, and lumpish beef-wit.
GANG : Heh?
TONY : I'm stupid, man. I'm stupid.
MATT : Come on, guys, mellow out. Just study hard, do the best you can, and everything'll
work out fine. Trust me.
TIFFANI : It's funny how differently we all deal with stress. Matt's calm, Jake denies it, and
Tony creates more of it.
SAM : Whoa, Mama! It's Darrin Young, star quarterback. Boy, I'd like to relieve some mid-term
stress with him.
MR. SIDNEY : So then, what is X?
MR. SIDNEY : Answer. Answer. Who has the answer?
MOOKIE : Oooh, ooh, ooh.
MR. SIDNEY : Mookie has the answer?
MOOKIE : No. Mookie has to go to the bathroom.
MR. SIDNEY : Once again. Somebody... anybody? Okay. Sam?
SAM : Using the quadratic formula, X would equal one or negative one and two-thirds.
MR. SIDNEY : Excellent! Everyone should concentrate like Sam.
MR. SIDNEY : So hire a tutor, or learn to say: "Do you want fries with that?"
SLY : I've two words for you. Obscene wealth.
SAM : Forget it, Sly. I'm not tutoring anybody.
DARRIN : Sam, will you tutor me?
SAM : Line em up, Sly.
SLY : Yes! Okay, the Winkle & Woo Academy of Algebra is open for business.
SLY : Cha-ching, Cha-ching.
SLY : Okay, Sam, I've assembled the official Woo tutoring schedule. Take a look.
SAM : Wait a sec. When do I study?
SLY : Sam, Sam, Sam. What you do between midnight and six a.m. is your business.
SLY : Yes! Let the money begin.
SLY : I'm gonna be rich. I'm gonna be rich.
MOOKIE : Hi, I'm ready to learn history.
SLY : Math, Mookie. Math.
MOOKIE : Ohhh, yeah. I need help in that too.
SAM : I'm supposed to teach Mookie? I'm not that good... Einstein's not that good.
SLY : Come on. How bad could it be?
MOOKIE : Whoa. This is one unripe apple.
SAM : That's because it's wax.
MOOKIE : Ohhh. I'll have an orange.
SLY : Good luck.
MATT : Liechtenstein.
TONY : Sovereign nation bordered by Austria, Switzerland, and the Rhine.
MATT : Very good. Now here's your cookie.
TONY : I like studying with you Matt.
SAM : Okay, Mook, let's jump right in. What's your biggest problem in math?
MOOKIE : That's easy. It's the numbers.
SAM : Oh. Well, don't worry, anybody can learn math. It'll take a lot of work, but I'll be there
every step of the way.
DARRIN : Hi, Sam. I was in the neighborhood, and I was hoping you could help me study for
the math mid-term.
SAM : Session's over. Time to go.
MOOKIE : Wow. You're good. I didn't learn nothing and it took less time than in class.
DARRIN : Thanks, Sam. Boy, this is going to be really hard.
SAM : Don't worry. I'm pretty good at math.
DARRIN : No, I mean it's going to be hard studying with, well, such a hot-looking teacher.
SAM : Oh, stop it.
DARRIN : No, I'm serious. I mean, if all my teachers looked like you I might pay attention in
class.
SAM : Oh stop it some more.
DARRIN : So, I know you're charging people ten bucks an hour, but... I was hoping you could
work out something special... for me.
SAM : Oh, boy, could I. No charge.
DARRIN : Thanks. So, where should I sit?
SAM : Wherever you're most comfortable.
TONY : Tiff, I need those Cliff Notes.
TIFFANI : Oh, no problem. I'm done with them.
JAKE : Wait. I haven't read them yet.
TIFFANI : Sorry, I promised them to Tony.
JAKE : I don't believe you. You're helping Tony more than you're helping me.
TIFFANI : Jake, you're being a baby. Tony wouldn't behave this way.
TONY : Oh yes I would.
TONY : It's mine, mine, all mine!
MATT : Guys, don't freak. Tiff read one book, so you read the other one, and then discuss
them over a nice dinner.
TIFFANI : Matt, that's perfect.
JAKE : Yeah, I've got to say, I'm impressed man. You're really keeping your head about this mid
-term stuff.
TIFFANI : Now we can get back to studying.
DARRIN : Sam, you're the coolest thing that ever happened to me.
SAM : Oh, I'll bet you say that to all your tutors.
DARRIN : In the game tonight, I'm scoring the winning touchdown for you, babe.
SAM : Sly, is there a floor beneath me?
SLY : Sam, you have to start charging Darrin for tutoring. Free is not good... free is never
good.
SAM : We happen to like each other, Sly.
SLY : Yeah, so?
SAM : So, it would be like your mom charging your dad for cooking him dinner.
SLY : Exactly. So get the money.
SAM : Read my lips. Drop dead, Ferret-face.
SLY : There's the moocher. I'll just get the money myself.
TANK : I can't take it anymore! If I don't pass my mid-terms, Coach is going to kick me off the
team.
DARRIN : Tank, chill. Just get a tutor.
TANK : I can't. I've got to spend all my money fixing this locker.
DARRIN : Just do what I'm doing: You find a brainy chick, you pretend to like her, and then
she'll tutor you for free.
MATT : So, now what are you doing?
TONY : It's my patented, no-can-fail, Tony Wicks intellect enhancement method. See, I
surround myself with information, and my mind sucks it up like a sponge.
SAM : ...so every time Darrin gets an answer right, I give him a kiss. And even when he gets
it wrong I give him a kiss -- but that's more for me. Isn't love great? I love love... don't
you love love?...
TIFFANI : Breathe...
SAM : Thanks. So when did you first find out that Jake loved you? Tell me everything.
TIFFANI : Well, it was easy. It was the sweet, loving way he spoke to me.
JAKE : Hey Tiff, you've got a lot of nerve. You tricked me into reading the longer book.
TIFFANI : It wasn't longer, you just read slower. If I knew it was so hard for you, I would have
told you to rent the movie.
JAKE : There was a movie?!
SLY : Sam, I've got some bad news, I've been walking around for hours trying to come up with
a nice way to tell you.
SAM : What is it? Just say it.
SLY : Darrin's using you. The guy is sick--he wants your brain, not your body.
SAM : Sly, shut up. You're only saying that so I'll start charging him.
SLY : No, I heard him baragging about it to his buddies.
SAM : I'll tell you what Sly, not only am I going to keep tutoring him for free, but from now
on, only him. So you can take that schedule of yours and cram it up your nose.
TONY : Great! I've just spent half an hour setting up those cards. But don't mind me, I only
have five mid-terms to study for.
SAM : They shouldn't have been in my way.
TONY : Your way?
TIFFANI : Forget the cards, Tony. Try the Sommers method. Rent the movie!
JAKE : Or the Smith method. Dump the work on someone else!
MATT : So, do you guys want to paractice?
JAKE : You know, Garrison, it's really getting on my nerves that nothing's getting on your
nerves.
TIFFANI : Yeah, what's your secret?
MATT : Well, if you really want to know, I'll show you.
MATT : Deep breaths are the key to meditation. Ommm. Feel the inner echo. Ommm...
JAKE : Hey, Omeboy, does your mother know you do this?
TIFFANI : Shhh. Concentrate for a change.
MATT : Stage one. Breathe deeply. Let us suck in the breath of the ancient Yak.
TONY : Oh, the last thing I want to do is smell skanky yak breath.
MATT : Stage two. The Whooping Crane lands on the back of the Yak. Become the crane. Lift
yourself up from earthly toil.
JAKE : Tell me where he gets this stuff.
TIFFANI : It's called reading. It comes from these things called "books."
JAKE : Oh, what's that supposed to mean?
TIFFANI : Duh! You figure it out, Mookie.
JAKE : Mookie?! Who you calling Mookie?
MATT : Yes. Keep flapping. I feel the harmony among us increasing.
SLY : I'm telling you, Sam, Darrin's using you.
SAM : Shut-up-very-much-thank-you.
SLY : Think about it. He didn't even know your name until he needed help in math.
Coincidence? I think not.
MATT : Stage three. The final release. The Earthworm wiggles in the mouth of the Crane. Let
us wiggle for our freedom.
SLY : Go with me to ght game tonight and I'll prove it to you. What are you afraid of?
SAM : Okay, but only to prove you're wrong.
MATT : Yes, it's working! Keep wiggling. Wiggle for oneness... wiggle for peace...
TONY : I think I'll wiggle for the door.
MATT : And at last, we are one. Ommm.
SLY : Okay, you can come out now.
SAM : How do I look?
SLY : Great. Just one small thing. Lose the hair!
SLY : Hurry up. Halftime just started, they're coming. As soon as they get here, I'll get Darrin
to confess, and then we'll split.
SLY : Great half, guys.
DARRIN : What're you doing here Winkle?
SLY : I just wanted to say that some of you've been playing a bit slow. Like there was
something on your conscience, weighing you down. So, come on. Who's got something to
confess?
TANK : All right, you got me. I've been hiding it all season... I want to be a ballet dancer.
SLY : Not you, Tank. Darrin.
DARRIN : Get out of here Winkle, and take "twinkle toes" with you. Now I hope you're happy.
You've ruined a perfectly good football player.
TANK : I'm free, I'm free!
SAM : So, uh, dude, how's it going with that incredibly gorgeous and intelligent Hong Kong
honey ya been seeing?
DARRIN : Please. I'm just using her till I get through the mid-term. Then it's sayonara, sister.
SAM : That's Japanese, you jock strap.
TONY : Hey, Sam. We heard about what Darrin did. And we're really sorry.
MATT : Yeah. So if you need someone to talk to, I'm there.
TIFFANI : Yeah. And if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm there.
JAKE : And if you need someone to pull his spleen out through his nose, I'm there.
SAM : Thanks guys. I want to get him back, but I've got to do it my way. And I know just the
plan.
DARRIN : Baby, I missed you last night. Twenty-four hours without you is too long.
DARRIN : I'd love to see you tonight... and maybe you can tutor me one last time before
tomorrow's test.
SAM : Bad news. I found out none of the stuff we've been studying is on the test.
DARRIN : What? What do you mean? How do you know?
SAM : Some guy is selling stolen exams out of the boys locker room. But don't worry, if we
study all night, you might pass.
DARRIN : Uh... I'll call you.
JAKE : So who's this guy with the test?
JAKE : Wake up, Tony. Here he comes.
TONY : I can't help it, man. I was up all night studying and it's the same thing tonight. Now,
let me sleep.
DARRIN : Hey, guys. What's happening?
MATT : Shhh, keep it down. We're buying tests.
SAM : What'll it be?
MATT : Biology.
SAM : Twenty bucks.
SAM : What'll it be?
JAKE : I'll take American Lit and my friend will take History.
SAM : Twenty bucks each.
SAM : What'll it be?
DARRIN : Math. Mr. Sidney's class.
SAM : Fifty bucks.
DARRIN : Fifty bucks! What happened to twenty?
SAM : You're desperate, right?
DARRIN : Well... I... yeah.
SAM : A hundred bucks.
SAM : All right guys, this is it.
TIFFANI : Well I feel prepared? I'm cool, calm and relaxed.
TIFFANI : What was that?!?
JAKE : It was just the bell.
MATT : Okay, remember, guys: Tranquility through deep breaths. Let's do it.
SAM : Well, I know one thing, I aced the math mid-term. How'd you guys do?
TIFFANI : Great.
JAKE : Yeah, that breathing stuff of yours was perfect, Matt.
MATT : Stupid Yak breath.
TIFFANI : Well, Jake, mid-term week wasn't all that bad.
JAKE : What are you talking about? We fought the whole time.
TIFFANI : Yeah, but now we get to make up.
TONY : You guys are looking at a dead man. I was so burnt-out, I slept right through the mid
-terms!
MATT : Relax, Ton. I'm sure if you tell them what happened, they'll let you take the make-ups.
TONY : Make-ups. That's right. I'm cool... everything's cool...
SLY : Yeah, now you've got more time to study.
TIFFANI : Well, look what just oozed in.
SAM : Excuse me a minute.
SAM : Hi Darrin, there's something you need to know.
DARRIN : Look, Sam, about us -- I don't know if it's going to work out...
SAM : Save it, Bub. I know you were just using me so you wouldn't get thrown off the team.
DARRIN : Hey, a guy's gotta do what a guy's gotta do.
SAM : Too bad it didn't work.
DARRIN : What are you talking about? I aced the midterm.
SAM : I don't think so. The stolen test you bought was a fake.
DARRIN : Yeah, right. How do you know?
SAM : Because I sold it to you, sucker.
DARRIN : What?! But then that means...
SAM : ...You failed the test.
DARRIN : Oh, man, if I failed the test, that means I'm off the team! How could you do that?!
SAM : Hey, a girl's gotta do, what a girl's gotta do.
DARRIN : Great. What am I going to do now?
SLY : Try ballet.
MATT : Welcome, all you mid-term survivors! This one's for you! Let's do it! On, two, three,
four.
(MUSIC CUE : "I'M THERE"
ALL : I'M THERE
I'M THERE
I'M THERE
I'M THERE
MATT : IT'S BEEN A LONG YEAR
IT'S BEEN A LONG LONG TIME
TIFFANI : NOW THAT WE'RE HERE
I'M FELLING FINE
TONY : IT TAKES WHAT IT TAKES
IT'S A CRAZY RIDE
SAM : THIS IS YOUR LIFE
SAM/MATT : SO LOOK ALIVE
ALL : SO LOOK ALIVE
I'M THERE
TONY : HEY
MATT : GO INSANE AND HAVE SOME FUN
ALL EXCEPT MATT : I'M THERE
TONY : HUH WAH HEY
TIFFANI : CALL MY NAME, I'M THE ONE
ALL EXCEPT TIFFANI : I'M THERE
TONY : IF YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE AND HAVE A BALL
ALL EXCEPT TIFFANI : I'M THERE
TONY : HO
SAM : I'LL BE HERE WHEN YOU CALL
TONY : NOW WE'VE TOWED THE LINE, NOSE TO THE GRIND
WE'VE MADE THE GRADE SO IT'S PARTY TIME
IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD TO CELEBRATE
I'M IN THE MOOD TO PARTICIPATE
MATT/JAKE : ALL WORK
TONY : NO PLAY
MATT/JAKE : NO WAY
TONY : JOSE
I'M READY TO PARTY ALL NIGHT AND DAY
THE BEACH, THE MOUNTAINS, ANY TIME ANYWHERE
IF YOU WANNA PARTY, I'M THERE
ALL EXCEPT TONY : I'M THERE
ALL : GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
GO GO GO GO
I'M THERE
TONY : YEAH
TIFFANI : IF YOU WANT TO FOOL AROUND, DO THE TOWN
ALL EXCEPT TIFFANI : I'M THERE
TONY : HA HA
MATT : LIGHTEN UP AND I AM DOWN
ALL EXCEPT MATT : I'M THERE
TONY : COME ON
SAM : COME ON
SAM : IF YOU WANT TO CHILL
ALL : I'M THERE
TONY : GO AHEAD YEAH YOU KNOW I WILL
COME ON COME ON HERE
ALL : I'M THERE
MATT : IF YOU WANNA HAVE SOME FUN
ALL EXCEPT MATT : I'M THERE
TONY : YEAH
TIFFANI : CALL MY NAME, I'M THE ONE
ALL EXCEPT TIFFANI : I'M THERE
TONY : I'M THERE
IF YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE AND HAVE A BALL
ALL EXCEPT TONY : I'M THERE
TONY : I'M THERE
SAM : I'LL BE HERE WHEN YOU CALL
ALL : I'M THERE)
-THE END-
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