¡°SURFBOARDS AND CYCLES¡± / Wednesday - January 20, 1999

JAKE : Man, haven't you guys figured out what classes you're taking yet?
MATT : Yeah, I'm taking wood shop.
TONY : Yeah, I'm taking metal shop.
SLY : And I'm taking cooking class.
TONY : Oh, man! I can see it now. Ooh, please be quiet, my souffle is rising.
SLY : Ha-ha-ha. Well, while you guys are making ashtrays with Butch, Bruno and Bubba I'll be
      making bacon with Barbie, Betty and Bambi.
TONY : Cooking class!
SAM : You know, I think Sly has the right idea.
TIFFANI : Really? You're taking cooking, too?
SAM : No, I'm taking auto shop. That's where the boys are.
JAKE : Great, just what we need, a babe in auto shop.
TIFFANI : Excuse me, Jake, that's a really sexist attitude.
SLY : Hey, he's not sexist. He just thinks guys are better than girls.
JAKE : Don't help me, Winkle. Look, Tiff, I just don't think girls have the head for working
       on cars.
TIFFANI : Oh, yeah, you gotta to be real smart for auto shop. Duh, do I pound dis wif my
           screwdriver, or my head?
JAKE : Hey, I just don't think you realize how hard it is.
TIFFANI : Well, then I'll prove it to you.
JAKE : Oh, yeah?
TIFFANI : Yeah.
JAKE : Yeah.
TIFFANI : Yeah.
JAKE : Yeah.
KLEIN : Let me help you with that, honey. You¡®re turning it the wrong way. Always remember
        : righty tighty, lefty loosey.
TIFFANI : Look, Mr. Klein, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I need cutesy rhymes to
           remember things.
TIFFANI : Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
JAKE : Not as easy as you thought, huh?
TIFFANI : Oh, please, there's nothing to it. In fact, I'm just about done fixing this carburetor.
JAKE : That's a water pump.
TIFFANI : Oh. Well, sure, now it's a water pump, but when I started it was a carburetor.
JAKE : Uh-huh.
TIFFANI : Look, Jake. You just do it your way, and I'll do it mine.
JAKE : Well, it looks like Sam's doing it her way.
SAM : I sure could use some help.
MATT/SLY/TONY : Googamoooooo!
MATT : Uh, thanks... thanks for warning me, guys.
TONY : No problem, Matt, just cutting down on the competition.
SLY : Okay, Tony, the two by the stove are yours. The three by the sink are mine. And Matt,
      you've got the two with braces.
MATT : Why do I get the ones with braces?
TONY : Because you're a nice guy who isn't hung up with superficial things like looks.
MATT : Oh, yeah... Oh, man.
MCBRIDE : Alright, everyone can the chatter and fall in!
MCBRIDE : My name's McBride. Sergeant McBride. And my job is to turn you maggots into
           mean, lean cooking machines! And your first assignment will be chipped beef for five
           hundred.
SLY : Setting aside that chipped beef is disgusting, why would we want to make it for five
      hundred?
MCBRIDE : Because that's the way we did it in the corp. Hup! The Marine Corp.
MATT : Is it just me, or does anyone else get the feeling like this isn't going to be so much
        fun?
TONY : Forget that noise. This is chick city, and I'm a rooster on the loose. Hey, baby. Now,
        I'm going to sit next to you and we can shake and bake together.
MCBRIDE : Now, you look like a young man with a healthy interest in girls.
TONY : Very, very healthy.
MCBRIDE : Oh! You've got spirit?
TONY : Oh, yeah. I got more spirit than a cheerleader with a new set of pom poms.
MCBRIDE : Is that so? This is your spirit. This is your spirit in my class.
MCBRIDE : Any questions?
SAM : Okay. Next disconnect the left ventricle hose from the body of the oil pump.
TIFFANI : Okay... Got it.
SAM : But first, empty the oil pan.
TIFFANI : Now you tell me.
SAM : Boy, this is great. We're both getting something out of auto shop.
TIFFANI : Really? You're learning about cars, too?
SAM : Sure am. For example, that's the unmistakable houn of a 1979 Ford Mustang.
TIFFANI : Wow! How do you know that?
SAM : Because Hank's got a '79 Mustang and he's here to pick me up. Bye.
TIFFANI : OH, THE CARBURETOR'S CONNECTED TO
THE FUEL LINE,
THE FUEL LINE'S CONNECTED TO THE GAS
PUMP,
THE GAS PUMP'S CONNECTED TO THE GAS
TANK, THAT-I-FILL-WITH-PREMIUM-
UNLEADED-BECAUSE-IT'S-BETTER-FOR-
THE-ENVIRONMENT, AND THAT'S HOW THE
CAR GOES, BEEP-BEEP!
JAKE : You okay?
TIFFANI : Yeah, just embarrassed.
JAKE : About what? Your head or the song?
TIFFANI : Take your pick.
JAKE : So, what are you up to?
TIFFANI : Well, my car's burning oil. I'm trying to fix it. I have to admit it's harder than I
           thought.
JAKE : Yeah, and maybe I was wrong about girls being in auto shop.
TIFFANI : Maybe?
JAKE : Yeah, maybe you haven't fixed it yet. Can I give you a hand?
TIFFANI : Well, you could tighten this bolt for me.
JAKE : Righty tighty.
TIFFANI : What? What did you say?
JAKE : Nothing.
TIFFANI : Yes, you did. You said "righty tighty."
JAKE : Please, don't be ridiculous.
TIFFANI : Jake, admit it. I heard you.
JAKE : I think you've been inhaling too many gas fumes.
TIFFANI : Oh, you think so?
JAKE : Yeah, I do.
TIFFANI : Ooh, tough guy, huh? Take this.
MATT : You guys will never believe it. I saw Jake and Tiffani...
SAM : Kissing! Smooching! Making out! Canoodle City! Whoa Momma!
MATT : Thanks a lot, Sam. That was my story.
SAM : I'm sorry. I just couldn't help myself. My brain wanted to let you tell them, but my
      mouth just wouldn't.
TONY : Jake and Tiffani? Really? I just can't see it.
MATT : Aw, he's a dead man. I mean, I love Tiff, but knowing her, Jake'll be trading in his
        boots for a boogie board, his jacket for jams...
TONY : ...Then he'll give up his Harley to be "gnarly."
MATT : Poor Jake.
SAM : Don't you mean poor Tiffani? Jake's a hound. He'll never be happy with just one girl. He's
      going to break her heart.
SLY : I think it's great. Jake's ex-bimbos will finally forget about him and be interested in me.
SLY : Well, it's true.
SAM : We better warn Jake and Tiffani before it's too late.
TIFFANI : Thanks for carrying my books.
JAKE : Thanks for carrying mine.
JAKE : What's this?
TIFFANI : Oh, just something I wrote.
JAKE : Tonight in the light
       You look like an angel
 We will never be strangers again.
TIFFANI : I wrote it the night we first kissed.
JAKE : It'd make a great song.
TIFFANI : It'd make a super-duper song.
JAKE : And I think I know what the next verse would be... Love plays hide and seek Your love
       makes me weak But I don't want this feeling to end.
SAM : Hi, you guys! Tiff, I have to talk to you, right now, right away. And nobody else in the
      world can hear about it. It's mondo personal, mondo private.
JAKE : Just a hunch, but do you want to be alone with Tiffani?
SAM : You must be a mind reader.
JAKE : Mondo mind reader. I'll catch you later. Maybe we can really make that into a song.
SAM : Boy, you two look like you're getting along well.
TIFFANI : It's the best.
SAM : Let me tell you a little story, Tiff. Once upon a time, there was a cute, little convertible
      and a hot, macho motorcycle. They were very happy together, tooling down the highway
      of love. Then one fateful day, the motorcycle met a sexy sportscar and ditched the
      convertible on the side of the road. Get it?
TIFFANI : Yeah. It sort of reminds me of another little story. There was this Honda that came  
           to America and stuck its hood where it didn't belong and got her headlights punched
           out. Get it?
SAM : I think so.
SAM : But Hondas are Japanese and I'm Chinese. So, obviously you weren't talking about me.
SLY : My cake is done! My cake is done! Ooh, the Sarge is going to love it.
MATT : Mine, too. It's perfect.
SLY : Mine, too. It's perfect.
SLY : Hot, hot, hot.
MATT : Sly!
SLY : Wow, that was a close one.
MATT : You destroyed my cake.
SLY : Well, you won't mind if I use your icing.
TONY : Boys, feast your eyes on a genuine Tony Wicks original.
MATT : Oh, check out this cake. Alright, Tony.
TONY : Ha-ha! It is good, isn't it? But don't worry, guys. I'll put in a good word for you with
        the Sarge while she's giving me an A.
SLY : Wait a minute. What is this? Eight-ninety-nine? You bought that cake!
TONY : No, I didn't... I-I... I had to do it. I can't cook. Don't you see? Sarge hates my spirit!
        She's out to get me!
MATT : Oh, here comes Jake. Remember, what we have to do.
MATT : Hey, Jake, how's it going?
JAKE : Super-duper.
SLY : It's worse than we thought. He's starting to talk like her.
JAKE : What are you babbling about?
TONY : It's "The Softening" man. It's what happens when a sweet girl like Tiffani gets together
        with a rugged dude like you.
MATT : She'll start out small, like asking you to take off your leather jacket. Then before you
        know it, you'll be kneeling on the beach drawing smiley faces in the sand.
SLY : Face it, Jake, she's changing you already. She's turned you into mushy man.
JAKE : Still think I'm mushy man?
SLY : Absolutely. Before Tiffani, you would've shoved the candles up my nose and lit 'em.
TIFFANI : Jake! Are these for me?
JAKE : I don't know where they came from.
CAROLYN : They're not for you... They're for you.
JAKE : Carolyn, give me a break, we only went out once. And it was a year ago.
CAROLYN : I know, Saturday, May thirteenth. Dinner at Sharkey's. I even saved your napkin.
            You wiped your lips with it.
JAKE : Would you just listen to yourself. You're being ridiculous. Get over it.
CAROLYN : I know you're right. I'll try.
CAROLYN : I can't. He'll break your heart. You'll see. You'll be next.
TIFFANI : Do all the girls you go out with end up saving your napkins?
JAKE : No. No. Let's just forget about her and go to the beach like we planned.
TIFFANI : Well, okay... Super-duper.
TIFFANI : Wait, you're not going to wear your leather jacket on the beach, are you?
JAKE : Hey, do you have a problem with my jacket?
TIFFANI : No, I just think you'll look silly wearing it on the beach.
TIFFANI : Wait, you're not going to wear your leather jacket on the beach, are you?
JAKE : Hey, do you have a problem with my jacket?
TIFFANI : No, I just think you'll look silly wearing it on the beach.
JAKE : Well, Carolyn never thought I looked silly.
TIFFANI : Maybe you should to go to the beach with Carolyn and her napkin.
JAKE : Maybe I should just go by myself. Maybe that would be -- "Super-duper."
TIFFANI : Oh, do you have a problem with the way I talk?
JAKE : No more than you have a problem with the way I dress.
TIFFANI : Well, then maybe you should go to the beach by yourself! And wear your stupid
           leather jacket.
JAKE : Yeah, maybe I will! Maybe I'll just sweat to death.
SAM : Hey, guys. Matt's got big news. Tell them, Matt.
MATT : Yeah, Jake and Tiffani --
SAM : Got engaged! Diamond City. The big "M", baby.
MATT : Ha! Gotcha! I just told you that cause I knew you'd interrupt me again.
SAM : You've got a mean streak, Matt.
MATT : What really happened is Jake and Tiff broke up.
TONY : Aw, man. Hey, it was for the best. Right?
MATT : Hey, Jake, we heard about you and Tiff. Are you okay?
JAKE : Never better. No softening here. Tough as nails.
SLY : Nope, nothing soft about him.
SAM : Tiff, how are you?
TIFFANI : I'm fine. Peppy as ever!
MATT : So then it's okay if we rehearse the duet you guys wrote?
TIFFANI : I don't think so, Matt.
MATT : Why not?
TIFFANI : Well, I can't sing it because what he wrote isn't true.
JAKE : Oh, like you meant what you wrote?
MATT : Uh-oh!
TIFFANI : Hey, I meant more than you meant back when I thought you meant more than you
           really meant.
JAKE : Even if I knew what you meant, I wouldn't think you meant it. So there.
TIFFANI : Jake, stop! You can't just walk out while we're discussing this. Please.
JAKE : You're right. I'm sorry.
TIFFANI : So then you'll stay?
JAKE : Yeah.
TIFFANI : Good, because I'm leaving first.
SLY : Man, I feel weird. My head, my stomach. I don't know what it is.
TONY : It's because we made Tiffani and Jake break up and now they're miserable. It's called
        guilt, man.
SLY : Oh, so that's what it feels like?
TONY : And you know what comes next?
SLY : What?
TONY : Compassion.
SLY : Oh, no, no, no! We gotta help those two get back together.
TONY : Yeah. See? Compassion.
SLY : AAAAH!!!
TONY : This is very romantic--flowers, candles, a gourmet meal. Good plan, Sylvester, there's
        just one thing missing?
SLY : What's that?
TONY : Where the heck are Tiffani and Jake?
SLY : Trust me, I told them exactly what time to be here. As a matter of fact...
SLY : There...two...one...
JAKE/TIFFANI : Surprise!
TIFFANI : What's going on?
JAKE : You tole me there ws a surprise party. There's no party.
SLY : Surprise!
JAKE : Oh, I see what's going on. I'm outta here.
TIFFANI : Me, too.
SAM : Come on, guys, we made a delicious three-course dinner and it's not going to kill you to
      give it a chance. Now sit down and eat!
TIFFANI : I guess they already cooked everything...
JAKE : It's not like I had any dinner plans...
MATT : I think you guys are going to like this. It's filled with asparagus and wild mushrooms.
TIFFANI : Wow! That sounds amazing.
JAKE : Man, you guys really went to a lot of trouble.
SAM : It's looking good.
TONY : We've got all the little romantic touches. Nothing could ruin this!
MCBRIDE : Ten hut!
TONY : Oh, man! What's she doing here?
SLY : I invited her. See, this way, we score extra credit for class, and we get Jake and Tiff
      back together. It's like killing two birds with one stove.
MCBRIDE : Alright, let's see what we got in here. Soldier, turn off that music. Turn on some
           lights.
MCBRIDE : What's this, Garrison?
MATT : It's a puff pastry, Sarge.
MCBRIDE : I know it's a puff pastry! What's it cooked with? Real butter?
MATT : No. I used m-m-margarine.
MCBRIDE : What?! Get down and give me twenty.
MATT : Oh, man.
MCBRIDE : Move it! One-two-one-two! Bring me the next course.
SLY : Broiled swordfish, Sarge.
MCBRIDE : Satisfactory. You pass inspection.
MCBRIDE : You may commence eating.
JAKE : I think I'll pass.
MCBRIDE : Dessert!
TONY : Oh, man.
MCBRIDE : Present plate!
TONY : It's a Raspberry Tart, Sir, Sarge, Ma'am.
MCBRIDE : Excellent job, soldier. Do you have anymore?
TONY : Sir, I regret that I have but one tart to give for my country.
MATT : Oh, man.
JAKE : So, that's okay to eat?
MCBRIDE : Sure is. That's why I'm taking it back to the barracks with me. As you were.
TONY : Now what do we do? There's no food left.
SLY : I know, I'll go get some pizza!
MATT : Okay, let's try Plan B. Come on, Sam.

(MUSIC CUE : "THE WAY WE ARE"
MATT : TONIGHT IN THIS LIGHT
  YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL
  WE WILL NEVER BE STRANGERS AGAIN
SAM : LOVE PLAYS HIDE AND SEEK
YOUR LOVE MAKES ME WEAK
BUT I DON'T WANT THIS FEELING TO END
MATT/SAM : THE WAY WE ARE TOGETHER
  IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN WE ARE APART
  YOU HAVE MY HEART FOREVER CAUSE
  THAT'S JUST THE WAY WE ARE
MATT : EVEN IF THE FUTURE FINDS US FAR APART
SAM : THE FEELING THAT WE SHARE WILL ALWAYS
  STAY THE SAME
MATT/SAM : THE WAY WE ARE TOGETHER
  IS SO MUCH BETTER THEN WE ARE APART
  YOU HAVE MY HEART FOREVER CAUSE
MATT : THAT'S JUST THE WAY.
SAM : THAT'S JUST THE WAY.
MATT/SAM : THAT'S JUST THE WAY WE ARE
MATT : YEAH
SAM : OHHH)

TIFFANI : I miss you.
JAKE : Yeah, I miss you too. What did we do wrong?
TIFFANI : I guess we did everything wrong. We listened to everyone but ourselves.
JAKE : I know, but what they said made me afraid. I was afraid that you wanted me to change.
TIFFANI : Oh, no, I'd never want you to change. I was afraid you'd hurt me.
JAKE : I could never hurt you.
TIFFANI : So, what do we do now?
SLY : Pizza!
TIFFANI : Get out, Sly.
SLY : Fine. More for me.

-THE END-