¡°BWA-HA-HA MEANS I LOVE YOU¡±/ Thursday - January 21,1999

JAKE : You've got it backwards, Winkle. First the food, then the ketchup.
SLY : Oh, Jake, you're so wise. So, where you guys been?
MATT : Well, since someone hasn't gotten us any paying gigs lately, we've had to resort to
        street performing.
SAM : Yeah. We worked all day, and all we made was a lousy eight bucks.
SLY : That sounds rough guys. I'm really sorry. Now, give me my cut... Eighty cents.
TONY : Oh, man, I can't believe you're stealing my tips.
SLY : Are you kidding? This table's a mess. You don't deserve a tip.
TONY : Well, let me give you a tip: either find us a gig soon, or we're going to have to find a
        new manager.
SLY : What are you complaining about? You're making money here.
TONY : Yeah, but no gigs, no groupies. No groupies, no love life. No love life...no Sly life.
SLY : Okay, all right, all right, I'll get us something.
JAKE : Hey, thanks. Hey, why the flower?
TIFFANI : Oh, Jake, for sure I thought you'd remember our seven-week anniversary.
JAKE : Oh, I knew that. Um... Sugar for my sweetheart?
TIFFANI : Nice try. I guess I'm just being silly expecting a guy to remember romantic stuff.
SLY : Now why can't I find a girl like that?
TONY : You should just concentrate on finding a girl, period.
TIFFANI : It's no big deal. I was just just hoping it'd be as important to you as it is to me. I
           mean, after all, you only have one seven-week anniversary. But that's okay, as long
           as you don't forget next week.
JAKE : I won't forget next week, I promise. Just help me out here, what is next week?
TIFFANI : Oh, Jake, it's the big one -- it's our two-month anniversary!
MATT : Go all out on that one, Jake. Give her a napkin dispenser.
SPARKY : Welcome to Maniac Music, where music makes us -- Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs!!!
JAKE : What a dipwad.
JAKE : If I can't find something nice for our anniversary here...
TONY : ...You'd have to be a "Maaaniac!"
TONY : Yo man, check this out. U-2's fourteen CD, autographed collectors set, complete with a
       lock of Bono's hair.
JAKE : Man, if this goes gold, he's going to go bald.
TONY : Boy, if you get Tiffani this, she'll hold you close, kiss you long and say she loves you.
JAKE : Two hundred and fifty dollars? I only got ten bucks.
TONY : Well, for that she'll shake your hand, kick your butt and say "Hit the road, Jack."
JAKE : Man, I need make some money quick.
TONY : Yeah, right. But your anniversary's next week, man. Where are you going to get a job
        before then?
SANDY : You've fired!
JAKE/TONY : Hello.
JAKE : Hey. Name's Jake Sommers. I hear you have a job opening.
SANDY : Actually, I do -- for the right person. What, what special attributes would you bring
         here to our team?
JAKE : Well, like I said, I'm Jake Sommers.
SANDY : Well, I'm impressed. I'll give you a hundred grand a year, and a company car.
JAKE : You're being sarcastic, right?
SANDY : Ooh, and smart too.
TONY : Uh, may I interject? Now, if you're looking for someone who's smart, loyal and hard-
        working, you won't be able to find anyone who's more qualified.
SANDY : Great, you're hired.
TONY : No, no, not me. I meant him.
SANDY : Well, all right, but only because he recommended you.
JAKE : Cool. When can I start?
SANDY : As soon as you lose the leather jacket and the earring. Here.
JAKE : I don't know about this.
TONY : I've got three words for you: Tif-fa-ni.
JAKE : Right. Anniversary. Right.
SANDY : Now, go on over to the door and let Sparky train you.
SPARKY : Welcome to Maniac Music, where music makes us--Bwa-ha-ha Maaniacs!!!
JAKE : A word of this to anyone, and you're a dead man!
TONY : Yo, Sylvester, what's going on?
MATT : Whoa! Check out this equipment. Sixteen track, digital recording. This is right out of a
        high-tech studio.
SLY : Well, you guys have been bellyaching so much I decided we're going to record a tape and
      sell it all over town.
TONY : All right. Finally a decent, respectable plan. But where'd you steal the equipment?
SLY : My Uncle Steve Tyrelli's a big-wig at Dolphin Records. I told him what I needed and...
      voila!
SAM : You've an uncle in the record business?
SLY : Yeah. And he's got access to everything in the company.
MATT : What is he, the president?
SLY : No, he's the head janitor.
JAKE : Hey.
TIFFANI : Oh, Jake, there you are. I thought something happened to you.
JAKE : Me?
TIFFANI : I guess I just miss you so much. Honey, where's your earring?
JAKE : Ummm... Ummm... It fell down the drain.
TONY : The dog ate it.
JAKE : What I meant is, uh, what really happened is... it fell down the drain and the plumber's
       dog got it out and accidentally swallowed it.
TIFFANI : Right. The plumber's dog.
TONY : Yeah. Yeah. Maybe you've heard of him--Roto Rover.
TIFFANI : Jake, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.
JAKE : Thanks, hon.
MATT : Okay. Now let's do it! One, two, three, four.
JAKE : Hi, I'm Jake. Welcome to Maniac Music where the music makes us -- Bwa-ha-ha
       Maniacs.
KID : Dipwad.
SANDY : Let's, let's try it again, Sommers. You don't quite have the "Maniac Music" spirit. It's
         more like this: "Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs!!!" Try that.
JAKE : Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs.
SANDY : Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs.
JAKE : Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs.
SANDY : Look Sommers, either you give the next customer a proper "Bwa-ha-ha" or you'll be
         going "Boing-boing-boing" when I boot your butt out of here.
JAKE : Fine. Hi, I'm...
SANDY : Say it!
JAKE : Hi, I'm Jake. Welcome to Maniac Music, where the music makes us...
SANDY : All of it!
JAKE : Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs!!!
SLY : Oh, Mr. Maniac. Mr. Maniac. I can't wait to tell everyone about this.
SLY : Ow!
JAKE : Now, repeat after me -- I will not tell a soul.
SLY : I will not tell a soul...
JAKE : Good. Now get out. And if you do tell anyone, the next thing I do is clamp is your
       tongue.
SLY : I can't leave. I'm working. I've hit every music store in town to get them to sell our
      "Meet the Dreams" tape.
JAKE : Yeah? How many stores are we in?
SLY : None. But that's going to change now that I have you.
JAKE : Forget it. I'm only working here so I can get Tiff something special for our anniversary.
       Getting involved with you's only going to get me fired.
SLY : Ooh. Tough choice. Rich, famous musician. Mr. Bwa-ha-ha. Rich, famous, musician...
JAKE : Okay, okay, but we do it my way.
SLY : Deal.
JAKE : Just follow my lead. Whatever I say, disagree. Got it?
SLY : No.
JAKE : I said, "Whatever I say, disagree."
SLY : Oh, I know. I was just disagreeing.
JAKE : Oh, right.
SLY : Wrong.
JAKE : I'm telling you, Sandy is a company man with vision and ingenuity.
SLY : No, he isn't!
JAKE : Yes, he is. And you're wrong--Maniac Music is the best place to sell the California
       Dreams tape.
SLY : No, it isn't.
SANDY : What seems to be the problem?
JAKE : This guy represents a hot local band.
SLY : No, I don't.
SLY : What I mean is, the California Dreams are more than a band. They're the best-kept secret
      on the beach scene.
JAKE : And I was telling him that Maniac Music is the perfect place to sell their first tape.
SLY : I just don't know. The California Dreams are the best. It would take an awful lot to
      convince me to bring them here.
SANDY : Uh, uh, I might be interested.
SLY : I'll go get the tapes.
SLY : BABOOM!!!
TONY : That was an eight dollar 'Baboom.' It better be good.
SLY : Oh, it is, if you think 'good' is having your tape on sale, at... Maniac Music.
TONY : Maniac Music! Maniac Music!
        Maniac Music!
SLY : Yeah.
TONY : You talking about the one on the beach?
SLY : Yeah. You ever been there?
TONY : Yeah, I know the place.
SLY : What else do you know?
TONY : I don't know. What do you know?
SLY : I know something I'm not supposed to know.
TONY : Me, too.
SLY/TONY : Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs.
SLY : Yeah, Jake and I convinced Sandy to go for it.
TONY : I'm surprised. I didn't think Jake and Sandy liked each other.
SLY : Yeah, well when I left, Jake and Sandy were close and getting closer.
SAM : Oh, Tiff, what a terrible way to find out. I'm so sorry.
TIFFANI : Oh, I'm sure there's a good explanation.
SAM : You bet there is. Jake's a two-timing cheater who's running around with some bimbo
      named Sandy.
TIFFANI : You're not a very good explainer.
MATT : Guys, guys, look at this! Our tape's on sale at Maniac Music.
SAM : Wow! That's great!
MATT : Let's go check it out.
TONY/SLY : No!
TIFFANI : Why not?
TONY : Because, uh, my shift's not over, and I'd like to go down and check it out with you.
SLY : Yeah, he'd like to go with you.
MATT : Are you kidding? I've dreamt about having my own album since I was a kid. I'm there!
TONY : You stall them. I'll rush ahead and warn jake.
TONY : Jake! Jake!
JAKE : Excuse me for  second. I'm with a customer.
TONY : The guys heard about the tape. They're coming.
JAKE : It's going to be more than a second.
SPARKY : Welcome to Maniac Music, where music makes us Bwa-ha-ha Maaaniacs!!!
MATT : Cute. We're looking for the California Dreams tape.
TONY : Hey, did you guys see our display yet?
MATT : Hey, what are you doing here? I thought you had work to do.
TONY : You don't think getting down here before you was work? Come on, come on, they're
       down here.
TIFFANI : Jake? What are you doing here?
JAKE : Oh, same as you. I heard they're selling our tape.
TIFFANI : Jake, there's something I want to ask you.
LISA : Take a number, honey. He is with me.
TIFFANI : Oh, really?
LISA : Yeah. I was with him first.
TIFFANI : Well, then you can keep him.
JAKE : Tiff, what's the matter?
TIFFANI : Come on, Jake. Don't you think I know what's going on? You're cheating on me with
           Sandy.
LISA : My name's Lisa.
TIFFANI : Oh, so you broke up with Sandy.
JAKE : Huh? No.
TIFFANI : Well, then you're cheating on Lisa, too.
JAKE : Tiff, stop. That's Sandy over there.
TIFFANI : Oh, I see.
JAKE : Good.
TIFFANI : So, there's Sandy, Lisa, and me. No wonder why you can't remember our anniversary.
JAKE : Tiff, wait!
SANDY : Are we going somewhere, Mr. Sommers?
JAKE : Yeah, I've got to catch my girlfriend.
SANDY : Do it on your lunch break.
JAKE : I already had my lunch.
SANDY : Then do it on tomorrow's lunch break.
JAKE : All right! That does it! I've had it with your stupid vests, your stupid sayings, your
       stupid rules.
SANDY : Well, with that kind of attitude, you'll never make employee of the month.
JAKE : Stuff it. I quit.
SAM : Boy, do I feel stupid. I really thought Jake was cheating on Tiffani.
TONY : Yeah. I sure hope they can work it out.
SLY : Hey, I wonder how our tape is selling.
SEAWEED : Yo, Manager Dude. Hey, there's a problem with this California Dreams tape.
SANDY : What seems to be the trouble?
SEAWEED : Check it out for yourself.
SANDY : I don't hear anything. This tape is blank.
SEAWEED : Score!
SANDY : What kind of scam is this, Winkle?
SLY : That's crazy. They can't all be blank. Here. Try this one.
SLY : Don't sweat it, Sandy, it's a one in a million thing.
SEAWEED : Sorry, dude. Emptiness again.
SLY : Would you believe two in a million?
MATT : Another blank one. I don't believe this. How? How? How could he have blown all of
        them? I mean, I mean, it's so easy. It's one button--RECORD. I mean, it's even color-
        coded. Red. It's a red record button!
TONY : Yo, Matt, get a grip, man!
SAM : So, how'd things go with Tiff?
TONY : Didn't you hear the man? He just said... Grrrr!
JAKE : She wouldn't even talk to me.
SAM : Me, either. I tried calling her and all I got was her answering machine.
JAKE : Forget it. I'm bagging this whole thing. I've never had so much trouble with a girl before
       in my life.
MATT : Jake, that's because you've never been in a relationship like this before. This one's
        special.
SAM : Yeah, otherwise it wouldn't have lasted a whole two months. You can't give up now.
JAKE : Yeah. I guess you're right. I should try and talk to her.
SLY : Baboom?
TONY : Sylvester. Hey, how are you? Come on in. Look everybody. Look who's here. It's Sly.
SAM : Let me go first. I know places to hit him that'll hurt for days.
SLY : Wait, wait, wait! If you put me in the hospital, you won't hear the good news.
TONY : Putting you in the hospital is good enough news for me.
SLY : Let me explain. I convinced Sandy to put our new tape in the store.
SAM : What new tape?
SLY : The LIVE concert we're recording tonight at Sharkey's. It's all set.
MATT : What makes you think Sandy will go along with another one of your stupid plans?
SLY : Because now I'm a Maaa-ni-ac!!!
SAM : We can't do the concert without Tiffani.
SLY : Oh, she'll be there. I talked to her.
JAKE : You did? Did you tell her I'm not cheating on her?
SLY : No. Why?
JAKE : Sam, where do I hit him to make it hurt for months?
TONY : Now, remember, Sylvester: This one's play, this one's record. Play. Record. Play. Record.
SLY : Hey! Sly Winkle never makes the same mistake twice. I'm not an idiot.
SAM : We'll decide that when we hear, and I do mean hear, this tape.
SLY : Tape?!
SLY : I'll be right back.
JAKE : Where' Tiff? She was supposed to be here by now. I mean, how can I talk to her if she
       doesn't show up?
MATT : Jake, she'll be here. Don't be so nervous.
JAKE : Who says I'm nervous? I'm not nervous. I've told you before -- Jake Sommers doesn't
       do nervous!
MATT : Then why are you trying to kill me?
JAKE : Cause I'm just a little nervous, okay?
TONY : Yo, man -- everything is going to work out fine once you talk to her.
SLY : Yo, Jake, Tiff's here.
JAKE : Where?
SLY : Outside. She won't come in until you stand on the other side of the stage and promise
      not to talk to her.
JAKE : Hey, Tiff.
JAKE : Pookie...
JAKE : Look, I know I promised I wouldn't talk to you, but...
TIFFANI : Let's do it!
MATT : Hey!
TIFFANI : One. Two. Three. Four.

(MUSIC CUE : "EOOLISH"
SAM : I PICK UP THE PHONE
PRAY THAT YOU'RE ALONE
WHEN YOU SAY HELLO
I SHIVER FROM HEAD TO TOE
I TRY TO SPEAK
I SEARCH MY MIND
OH WHERE ARE THE WORDS
THAT COULD BRING YOU BACK TONIGHT
I WAS FOOLISH
FOOLISH
MY HEART IS STILL
A RECKLESS VALENTINE
I WAS SO BLIND
OUT OF MY MIND
I WAS FOOLISH
AGAIN
SAM : BABY I GUESS IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS
WHEN YOUR MEMORY'S MESSIN AROUND WITH MY MIND
IT'S HOPELESS, I'M HELPLESS I'M HERE WITH A HOLE
IN MY HEART THAT'S TELLIN ME
YOU'RE STILL MINE
SAM : I WAS FOOLISH
FOOLISH
MY HEART IS STILL
A RECKLESS VALENTINE
I WAS SO BLIND
OUT OF MY MIND
I WAS FOOLISH
AGAIN)

JAKE : Come on, Tiff, this is ridiculous. You can't be on the stage with me and not talk to me.
TIFFANI : You're right.
JAKE : Then you'll talk to me?
TIFFANI : No, I'll get off the stage. I'm outta here.
JAKE : I hate it when she does that to me. Hey! Stop that girl!
TIFFANI : Go ahead -- talk.
TIFFANI : From over there. But I can tell you now it won't make any difference.
JAKE : Yeah. How do you know?
TIFFANI : Because you're a lying, cheating slimebag.
CROWD : Ooooh.
JAKE : Look, Tiff, I messed up. None of this would've happened if I'd told you about Sandy in
       the first place.
CROWD : Ahhh.
TIFFANI : Oh, good move. Bring her up. That'll help.
CROWD : Ohhh.
JAKE : No, listen to me.
TIFFANI : Unh-unh-unh.
JAKE : Sandy is a guy -- my boss -- I mean, at least he used to be.
JAKE : I wanted to buy you something special for our anniversary, so I got a job.
TIFFANI : So, why couldn't you just tell me that?
JAKE : Because it wasn't the greatest job in the world. And it certainly wasn't the coolest job in
       the world.
TONY : It was, however, the dorkiest job in the world.
JAKE : Shut up! Anyway, I'm really sorry I lied to you. And I really want us to be together for
       our three-month anniversary. I love you, Tiffani.
TIFFANI : Oh, I love you, too, Jake.
CROWD : Awww.

-THE END-