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“HIGH PLAINS DREAMER”/ Friday - January 22, 1999
OLD CODGER : “Yee-ha! You saved the town, stranger. How kin we ever repay ya?”
STRANGER : “Well, I wouldn't mind a date with Miss Nelly.”
MISS NELLY : “Oh, Stranger, you rascal!”
TONY : Boy, Jackie, I love Westerns. The jailbreaks, the shoot-outs, the barroom brawls...
JACKIE : What about the romance?
TONY : Hey, I was saving the best part for last.
TONY : What? I've got popcorn breath, huh?
JACKIE : No, I'm worried for you. Y'know, when I broke up with Bo, he was so angry, he
wrecked his car.
TONY : You mean he was so upset, he got into an accident?
JACKIE : No, he was so upset, he punched the hood and the engine broke.
TONY : Well, that's good. Tony Wicks is scared of nobody. Why, Bo could walk his big-old-
bully-butt through that door right now and I'd laugh my head off.
JACKIE : Oh, no, it's Bo.
BO : Yo, Wicks! I want to talk to you.
TONY : W-where am I?
MINSTREL MATT (SINGING) :
YOU'RE IN WINKLE CITY
IN THE WILD WILD WEST
GATHER ROUND AND
I'LL TELL YOU THE REST
YA BLEW INTO TOWN
WITH SOME DRUMS TO SELL
BUT AT THE MOMENT
YA AIN'T DOIN SO WELL
WINKLE CITY, WINKLE CITY,
THE TOWN AIN'T MUCH
BUT THE WOMEN ARE PRETTY (YOU CAN LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH)
WINKLE CITY, WINKLE CITY
IT AIN'T ABILENE
AND THAT'S A PITY!!!
TONY : I'm a drum salesman? Thanks for cluing me in, mister.
TONY : "Minstrel Matt. Music for all occasions : weddings, birthdays, and hangings."
MINSTREL MATT : Hangings are my favorite. Always a whole bunch of good tippers.
MISS JACKIE : Boy, that prairie heat must've just knocked you out. Can I git you a nice cold
sarsaparilla or something?
TONY : Oh, that's all right. I think I found what I'm lookin for. Care to dance?
MISS JACKIE : Why, I'd love to, stranger.
ONE-EYE WINKLE : Hold it right there, stranger. Don't you know better'n to be dancin with
Miss Jackie?
TONY : Well, I don't see no weddin ring on her finger.
ONE-EYE WINKLE : She don't need on. She's... Big Bad Bo's girl.
PATRON : Big Bad Bo?!
TONY : Pardon my askin, but... but why's everyone scared of him?
ONE-EYE WINKLE : Who? Big Bad Bo!
ONE-EYE WINKLE : Why, he's only the meanest, orneriest, cow-rustling, praying-mantis-
stomping, bank-robbing, sunset-hating--
TONY : Okay, I get the point. Now, he's not a nice guy.
MISS JACKIE : That's right, Stranger. Why, One-Eye Winkle here once tried to dance with me
and, well, look at him now.
ONE-EYE WINKLE : Yup. I wasn't always called One-Eye Winkle. I used to be called Two-
Eye Winkle. That is, till that no-good rattlesnake pulled a six-gun on me
and... Bo-boom!
TONY : Don't you mean ba-boom?
SLY : No. Bo-boom. Bo went boom and shot me straight through the eye. Wanna see?
MISSY WOO : Now you stop that, One-Eye. Let this poor stranger be and git!
ONE-EYE WINKLE : Fine don't say I didn't warn ya.
ONE-EYE WINKLE : Big Bad Bo! Dang, I love this town!
MISSY WOO : Howdy, Stranger. The name's Missy Woo and I own this rat hole.
TONY : Aw, it ain't so bad.
MISSY WOO : Well, great. Well, then maybe you'd like to rent a room from me.
MISSY JACKIE : Hot spit, Missy Woo. We caught ourselves another one.
MISSY WOO : Wee-doggit. I'd say that's a five-pounder.
TONY : I, uh, think I'll rent a room somewhere else.
TONY : Beg your pardon, mister, but are you Jake the Blacksmith?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : No, I'm Jake the Florist and this here's a metal tulip. What do you
want?
TONY : The name is Tony Wicks and I'm a travelling drum salesman. And I heard you have a
spare room.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Drum salesman? Wait a minute. Don't I know you?
TONY : Not that I recall.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Sure I do. My memory's a little shot, but it'll come to me...
MINSTREL MATT : SIT RIGHT BACK AND I'LL SING YOU A TALE
IT WAS LONG AGO ON THE NORTHWEST TRAIL
JAKE THE GUNSLINGER WAS THERE, A DRIVIN
SOME CATTLE
AND SOME NEARBY INDIANS WAS A-THREATENIN BATTLE
BUT THEY NEEDED WAR DRUMS THEY HAD ORDERED
FROM TONY
BUT TONY GOT LOST ON AN OLD STUPID PONY
JAKE WOULD'A BEEN DEAD AND THAT'S NO JOKE
BUT BECAUSE OF OF TONY'S PONY, JAKE DIDN'T CROAK!!!
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : There. I told you it'd come to me. Now, you wouldn't happen to be
that drum salesman, would ya?
TONY : I reckon I am.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Then I reckon I owe you my life.
TONY : I reckon you do.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Then I reckon you can stay here.
TONY : I reckon I will. Hey, uh why do we keep saying "reckon"?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : 'Cause it's a fun word. Reckon, reckon, reckon.
TONY : So you're really Jake the famous Gunslinger?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Was. But then I met my wife. Sweet, peace-lovin gal made me give
up my guns and become more responsible like.
TONY : How'd she manage that?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : She threatened to shoot me.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Oh, Honey, this here's Tony. He's going to be staying with us a spell.
TONY : You didn't tell me she was an Indian.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : She's not. She just thinks she is. She caught the fever last year
and she's been kinda funny ever since.
DANCES WITH WAVES : Guess what I made for dinner, honey.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : What?
DANCES WITH WAVES : Reservations.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : I told you she was funny.
TONY : Uh, howdy, Ma'am. I didn't quite catch your name.
DANCES WITH WAVES : I'm Dances with Waves.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Go ahead -- ask her what tribe she's from.
TONY : Uh, what tribe are you from?
DANCES WITH WAVES : The Cowabunga tribe.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Ain't she a kick in the pants?
TONY : Is there any other place in town to stay?
MAYOR WINKLE : Gather 'round, you lowly good-for-nothin' townspeople. I got some important
business to discuss.
TONY : Hey, ain't that One-Eye Winkle?
MISSY WOO : No, that's his brother, Mayor Winkle. He and his family own this town.
MAYOR WINKLE : Allrighty, you varmints. I'm a-lookin for a new sheriff. Who's it gonna be?
MAYOR WINKLE : Just as I expected. Yer nothing but a bunch of lily-livered-yellow-bellied
cowards.
TONY : Why don't you do it?
MAYOR WINKLE : Cain't. Got a sinus condition.
MISS JACKIE : Say, Stranger, this could be your chance to settle down.
TONY : Oh, I don't know. It'd be a big career change, going from a nice and safe job as a drum
salesman, to risking my life for a bunch of people I don't even know.
MISS JACKIE : I'll give you a kiss.
TONY : I'll do it.
MAYOR WINKLE : By the power vested in me, by me, I do hereby declare you Sheriff Stranger.
TONY : Oww!
TONY : Uh, by the way, what happened to the old sheriff?
MAYOR WINKLE : You mean Sheriff Schwarzenegger? That pantywaist got scared and high-
tailed it out of town.
MISSY WOO : Yup. The last thing we heard him say was -- "I won't be back."
TONY : Why'd he leave?
MAYOR WINKLE : Cause he heard Big Bad Bo was coming today.
MAYOR WINKLE : I said, I said Big Bad Bo's comin! That's better.
TONY : Now, hold it there. Now, I know Bo is bad... and big, but I don't scare easy.
TONY : Please tell me that was an earthquake.
BIG BAD BO : Nope, it was me. And I was a-tippy-toein. Now I got two reasons to kill you,
mister. One, you're the sheriff, and I always kill the sheriff.
BIG BAD BO : And two, I heard you been courting my woman.
TONY : C-c-courting? Now, th-that's ridiculous. Now you tell him, Jackie. Tell him there's
nothing between us.
MISS JACKIE : I love this stranger more than I ever loved you, Bo.
TONY : Much obliged.
BIG BAD BO : Come tomorrow at high noon -- I'm gonna shoot you down like a muskrat.
TONY : Don't you mean "like a dog"?
BIG BAD BO : Nope, I done killed all the dogs.
BIG BAD BO : Have a nice day. Big Bad Bo.
TONY : Well, what am I supposed to do now?
MAYOR WINKLE : Who cares? I've got to start looking for a new sheriff.
TONY : Jake, Jake, I gotta talk to you.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Not right now, Tony. I've got to something to settle with my wife.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Dagnabit, woman. I just got the firewood bill. You've been smoke
signalling your mother too much.
DANCES WITH WAVES : I only signal her once a week. I use more wood cause it's long
distance.
TONY : Jake, I got a favor to ask ya.
DANCES WITH WAVES : You name it, Sheriff. You saved my husband once and we owe you.
TONY : I need him to help me catch Big Bad Bo.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Sorry, pardner, but I promised my woman I wouldn't pick up a gun,
and I ain't gonna start now.
TONY : Great. I'm a dead man.
DANCES WITH WAVES : Well, now that that's settled, I better get us some vittles for supper.
TONY : You going hunting?
DANCES WITH WAVES : No, the General Store. The bow and arrow match my moccasins.
TONY : Well, it's almost high noon.
MINSTREL MATT (SINGING) : OUR NEW SHERIFF
IS SHAKIN IN HIS BOOTS
CAUSE IT'S HIGH NOON
AND THAT'S THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
WHEN BIG BAD BO
GITS IN TO TOWN
THE BULLETS WILL BE FLYIN
AND THE SHERIFF
WILL BE DYIN
TONY : Hey, you don't know that for sure.
MINSTREL MATT : ...THE BULLETS WILL BY FLYIN AND THE SHERIFF WILL MOST
LIKELY BE DYIN
MISSY WOO : Sheriff, I brought you some complimentary pie.
TONY : Thank you kindly.
MISSY WOO : Well, I thought you might like a last meal a'fore you filled full o' lead.
TONY : What's the matter with you people?! I ain't going anywhere and that's a promise.
MISSY WOO : In that a-case, I'm-a-chargin you for the pie.
MISS JACKIE : Howdy, brave Stranger!
TONY : Oh, Miss Jackie, you come to see me in my hour of glory?
MISS JACKIE : No, I've come to give you one last kiss before you die.
MINSTREL MATT (SINGING) : TWO YOUNG LOVERS
SHARIN ONE LAST SMOOCH
BO IS COMIN TO SHOOT TONY
LIKE A MANGY POOCH
TONY : Get out! Get out! Get out of here! For the last time I ain't gonna die!
TONY : Boy, that guy gets on my nerves.
STINKY WINKLE : How do.
TONY : Who are you, Tailor Winkle?
STINKY WINKLE : No, the name's Stinky Winkle, town undertaker. I figure I'd get a head start
on your casket.
TONY : Oh, man, that does it! There's only one way to solve this problem and I know just what
it is.
MINSTREL MATT : WELL, WHAT DO YOU KNOW
OL TONY'S AFRAID
IF HE HAD ANY GUTS
HE WOULD HAVE STAYED
HE'S A YELLA
HE'S A CHICKEN
IF HE HAD ANY GUTS
BO'S BUTT HE'D BE KICKIN!
TONY : Shhh! Shhh! Keep it down! All that singing's gonna attract you-know-who.
MINSTREL MATT : Well, I got news for ya, Sheriff. With them vultures circling, "You-know-
who" is gonna find ya easy anyhow.
BIG BAD BO : Time to meet your maker, Stranger. And there ain't nothin you can do about it.
TONY : Oh no? Well, how about this? There. You wouldn't shoot a man with glasses, would ya?
BIG BAD BO : Don't have to, got twenty-twenty vision. But first I'm gonna make you dance.
BIG BAD BO : Hey, you could be a professional. I kinda hate to kill ya.
TONY : All right!
BIG BAD BO : But I gotta be me.
TONY : Oh, man.
BIG BAD BO : Say goodbye, Sheriff.
TONY : Jake! Great shooting! You saved my life!
BIG BAD BO : Oh, he wasn't so great. I heard three shots, but only two hit their mark. So there.
TONY : Man, I can't thank you enough. But why'd you decide to change your mind and come?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Well, I knew I owed you one, so there warn't no force powerful nuf
to stop me.
TONY : What about your wife?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Shhh -- she's taking a nap. So you better not tell nobody about
this. And you better not sing to nobody about this neither.
TONY : You, pardner, are going to jail.
MISSY WOO : Sheriff Stranger saved our town. I say we give him a big "yippy-ki-yay!"
ALL : Whoopee!
MISSY WOO : Close enough.
TONY : Well, shucks, I cain't take all the credit. Jake here's the one who did all the shootin.
DANCES WITH WAVES : What?
TONY : I meant he did all the shoutin. Soon as I caught Big Bad Bo, he started yellin.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Oh, yeah. That was me. I was a yellin : "Tony's a hero. Tony's a
hero." And I hurt my throat, too, honey.
DANCES WITH WAVES : Aww, you poor baby.
MISSY WOO : Excuse me, Sheriff, but one o' my girls got a crush on you. I wonder if you
wouldn't mind dancing with her just once. It'd make her day.
TONY : Why, of course. Where is the little lady?
WINNIE WINKLE : Yoo-hoo, Sheriff!
TONY : On second thought, all my dances are reserved for Miss Jackie. Where is she anyhow?
MISSY WOO : Last I heard, she was headin over to the jail to congratulate you.
TONY : W-what was that?
MINSTREL MATT : Oh, sure. Now you want me to sing. Okay, okay, hold your horses...
WELL, I'M SORRY TO SAY
IT AIN'T GOOD NEWS
BIG BO BROKE OUTTA JAIL
HE TOOK WITH HIM MISS JACKIE, TOO
CARRIED HER OFF ON THE TRAIL!
MISSY : Oh my, that's terrible.
MINSTREL MATT : Fine, then you try it! You think it's easy comin up with these verses on
the spur of the moment?!
MISSY WOO : Not you. I meant Bo. He's got Miss Jackie.
MINSTREL MATT : Oh, sorry.
WINNIE WINKLE : Well, I think it's great. Now I can have the sheriff all to myself.
TONY : Get away from me, woman. Now I got to save Miss Jackie.
WINNIE WINKLE : I understand. But, how bout one for the road?
TONY : Jake, you've got to help me catch Bo again. I looked all over, but he disappeared.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Forget it. I already helped you once and I couldn't even take no
credit neither. Everybody settin thar talkin about how great you
was. You-you-you. Burns my britches.
TONY : Well, if Wyatt Earp were here, he'd a-help me.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Hey, that's dirty pool. You know I look up to that man. 'Tain't fair
invokin his name like that.
TONY : Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Okay, okay, you win! I'll help ya. As long as I've got two good
hands, finish this here horseshoe...
TONY : Uh-oh.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Relax. I still got my shootin hand, and it's so strong, it can't be broken.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Yow! But it can be burned!!!
DANCES WITH WAVES : Serves your right, Jake. I heard every word you said. You lied to me.
TONY : You heard us?
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : It's an old Indian trick. She listens to the ground outside and can
hear evrything.
DANCES WITH WAVES : No, I was listening at the door.
JAKE THE BLACKSMITH : Sorry, Tony, but I'm afraid I really can't help you this time.
TONY : I understand. Guess I'll just have to figure this out on my own. If only there were a way
to lure Big Bo back to town.
DANCES WITH WAVES : Hmmm. Too bad it ain't time for the annual square dance. Everybody
knows Bo can't resist a good hoedown.
DANCES WITH WAVES : My friend Sitting Elephant is so fat... that when she sits around the
teepee, she sits around the teepee.
DANCES WITH WAVES : Hello, hello. Is this thing on?
DANCES WITH WAVES : Here he is : Big Bad Bo.
MISS JACKIE : Put me down, you big galoot!
BIG BAD BO : I will if you promise to marry me.
MISS JACKIE : Never!
BIG BAD BO : Well, then at least promise to think about it.
MISS JACKIE : Never!
BIG BAD BO : Okay, then promise not to kick me in the shins again.
MISS JACKIE : Okay.
TONY : Allrighty, pardners, are we gonna square dance or what?
MINSTREL MATT : Let's do it. One. Two. Three. Four.
(MUSIC CUE : FIDDLE TRACK
TONY : BOW TO YER PARDNER
PROMENADE THE FLOOR
WE'RE JUST GETTIN STARTED
THERE'S A WHOLE LOT MORE...
SWING YOUR PARDNER
TO AND FRO
AND IF IT'S BO
JUST STOMP ON HIS TOE...
TONY : NOW HE'S REELIN
LIKE A BIG FAT COW
SOCK HIM IN THE STOMACH
AND MAKE HIM GO "OW."
BIG BAD BO : Ow!
TONY : COME ON, MEN
FORM A CIRCLE ROUND BO
KICK HIM IN THE BUTT
AND THROW HIM 'CROSS THE FLO'!
TONY : BO IS BACK NOW
BUT THAT'S OKAY
JUST HIT HIM IN THE HEAD
WITH A BALE OF HAY!
TONY : BIG BO'S HURTIN
AND WE'RE NO LIARS
TWEAK HIS NOSE
WITH A PAIR OF PLIERS!
BIG BAD BO : Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
TONY : WE'RE ALMOST DONE
THIS AIN'T NO FLOP
WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD
WITH A SODIE POP!
TONY : WELL, THE SQUARE DANCE IS OVER
BIG BO'S KNOCKED OUT
BUT JUST TO BE SURE
I'LL HIT HIM WITH A TROUT!
MISS JACKIE : Oh, Stranger, how can I ever repay you?
TONY : I can think of a way.
MINSTREL MATT : SO THE BRAVE DRUM SALESMAN SAVED THE TOWN
WINKLE CITY'S SAFE, SO COME ON DOWN
PACK UP THE KIDS IN YOUR HORSE 'N' BUGGY--)
TONY : Man, you're drivin me buggy!
MINSTREL MATT : GRAB YOUR GIRL
FOR A KISS AND HUGGY
TONY : Now, where was we?
JACKIE : Tony, Tony, you fainted. Are you all right?
TONY : Yeah... I think so. But I just had the strangest dream. I was there, and you were there...
TONY : ...And you were there!
TONY : D-don't touch me, man. I'm the sheriff.
BO : What you babbling about?
TONY : I know you want to deck me for dating Jackie, but I'm not going to take it without a
fight.
BO : Tony, I don't want to fight you, man. I only came to see the nine o'clock show. But since
you here, I might as well tell you something.
TONY : W-what?
BO : You've got a great lady here. Treat her right.
TONY : Yeah, I will. I'll treat her right.
TONY : What do you say we mosey on down to Missy Woo's for a sarsaparilla?
JACKIE : Huh?
TONY : I'll explain it later.
-THE END-
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