¡°SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK¡±/ Monday - January 25, 1999

MATT : Wow man, I can't believe how many people camped overnight to buy Sting tickets.
SLY : Yeah. Good thing I was there to help out. A fiver here, a tenspot there, baboom -- I got
      us to the front of the line.
JAKE : Yeah, absolutely brilliant. Oh, just one thing, Wimple. Next time... Save some money for
       the tickets!!!
SAM : I wanted to see Sting.
TIFFANI : Sam, you've got to snap out of it. There'll be other Sting concerts.
SAM : I know. I'll get over it. I just need a hug. Come here, Sly.
SLY : Oh, I thought you were mad at me.
SAM : I am.
SLY : Then why are you hugging me?
SAM : So I can do this...
MCBRIDE : The hut!
MATT : Uh-oh, Maddog McBride.
TONY : Oh, man... I've been a nervous wreck ever since they made her vice principal.
MCBRIDE : Quiet in the ranks! Now I'm here to make sure you grunts learn discipline. And the
           best discipline I know is the Marine Corps discipline! Now, present lockers!
MCBRIDE : Did something die in your locker, Garrison?
MATT : Uh, it's my gym shoes, sir... us ma'am.
MCBRIDE : Odor Eaters. Look into it, son.
MCBRIDE : Is there a problem, Mr. Wicks?
TONY : Hmm? M-Me? P-problem? No there's n-no problem. No problem at all. I j-just forgot
        my combination.
MCBRIDE : Oh, well I have a great cure for memory loss.
TONY : Y-you do?
MCBRIDE : Detention!
TONY : Six right, thirty-six left, forty-two right.
MCBRIDE : Pathetic. A messy locker is the sign of a messy mind. Now you need to learn that in
           deten... is that a T-t-t-winkle?
TONY : No, no, no, no... It's not a Twinkie. It's...uh... a Twinkie-phone. See. Hello, Mom?
TONY : Oh, yeah. Spongy cake with light, creamy filling...
MCBRIDE : I better, uh, take this... for your own protection. At ease!
JAKE : Hey, Tony, who are these people, and why are they giving me a headache?
JAKE : Tony? Hey, Wicks!
TONY : Oh, sorry, man. I can't hear. I'm wearing ear plugs. These people are giving me a
        headache.
SAM : Come on, guys. They're Clog Dancers.
TIFFANI : Yeah, PCH is hosting the county clogging competition. We should support our
           cloggers.
MATT : Support them? They're the biggest bunch of geeks in the school.
TONY : Uh-oh. Somebody's still a little bit bitter because he couldn't get in the club.
MATT : I'm a good clogger. Really I am.
SLY : Baboom! I've got great news! Sting lost his opening act.
SAM : That's terrible.
SLY : I'll just give Noah Garber, the promoter, a call and we're in.
TONY : Oh, forget it, Sly. There's no way a big-time guy like that is going to listen to a low-
        down-bush-league-amateru-manager like you.
SLY : Trust me. I'll get through. Allo, Sting ere. Put me through, love.
NOAH : Sting, how can I help you, buddy?
SLY : Have a listen mate. I got an idea for a new opening act. Book the California Dreams.
NOAH : You're not Sting.
SLY : You got me there, Noah. Heh-heh-heh. The name's Sly Winkle. I'm the manager of the
      California Dreams.
NOAH : Never heard of them. But, I'd like to offer your band a tip.
SLY : Yeah?
NOAH : Tell them to get a new manager.
MATT : What'd he say?
SLY : He said he never heard of you. But that can be fixed...
NOAH : Listen Prince, buddy. I know you changed your name--but, come on, it's just a
        squiggly thing. I mean, what am I supposed to announce? "Noah Garber presents :
        'Squiggly thing's' World Tour?" Okay, I will work around it. No--I love you.
NOAH : Can I help you?
MATT : Your secretary was at lunch. You got a problem with your phone.
NOAH : What is it?
MATT : It's the plastic thing with all the numbers on it.
NOAH : All right, all right. Go ahead.
TIFFANI : Hello, I am Helga und I am here to give you a massage.
NOAH : I didn't order a massage
TIFFANI : Ya, dis I know. Ve are giving out ze free samples. Ve are a new service. Ya?
NOAH : "Swedes Who Knoead"?
TIFFANI : Ya, so sit down your little rumpkus.
NOAH : Hmmm... Don't mind if I do.
TIFFANI : Look at all zese gold records. I love ze rock und roll. Und my best band in ze whole
           vorld is "California Dreams."
NOAH : California Dreams, huh? Sounds familiar...
MATT : Of course California Dreams sound familiar. They're the hottest band on the whole
        beach.
NOAH : Now what?
TIFFANI : It vas only ze window vipers.
JAKE : Sorry if we scared anyone.
TONY : You won't even know we're here.
JAKE : Oh, lunch break. Union rules.
TONY : Great, I'm hungry.
NOAH : What is going on?
TIFFANI : Zit. You're getting stressed.
MATT : Hey. I know that. That's "California Dreams."
TONY : California Dreams? I love them!
SAM : Hello, darling. Are you Noah Garber? Of course you are. I'm a rich, rich woman and I'm
      having a big, big party. I need a great, great band, right, right now. So get me California
      Dreams.
MATT/TIFFANI : California Dreams? We love them!
SAM : Me, too. Especially this song :
WON'T GIVE IT UP
DON'T WANT TO STOP
ALL : DON'T WAKE ME UP
      DON'T WAKE ME UP IF I'M DREAMING
CALIFORNIA DREAMS...
NOAH : Alright! Enough! Stop! I'm going to take a wild guess -- you wouldn't happen to be
        the California Dreams, would you?
MATT : We thought that if you heard us, you might give us an audition.
NOAH : Uh, look. I'll tell you what, I've got a little time tomorrow. Have your manager call me.
MCBRIDE : Ten hut!
MCBRIDE : From now on there will be no clogging in my halls! And the next time I hear any
           tippy-tapping outside of the gym, it's detention! Am I clear?!
MCBRIDE : That's detention, Mister. Now take off those clog shoes.
MCBRIDE : Who thinks that's funny?
MCBRIDE : The next person who laughs is getting detention.
MCBRIDE : Is there something funny about my skivvies?
MATT : No.
MCBRIDE : I feel a heavy south wind at my back.
MCBRIDE : I know what you're thinking. You're thinking: "There's a full moon out tonight."
MCBRIDE : I'll see you in detention, laughing boy. Today. Three o'clock.
SLY : Wait a minute. Three O'clock. You'll miss the audition.
JAKE : Uh, this is not good.
SAM : You have to get out of detention, Jake.
SLY : I'll handle this.
MATT : Yeah, right. What are you going to say?
SLY : I'll look her right in the eye and say : "Listen up, Ms. McButt. You're nothing but an
      overgrown girl scout with a pastry problem."
TIFFANI : Sly, you can't say that, it's disrespectful. Whoever it is, has to be someone who
           she'll trust. Someone who she'll trust. Someone who she'll respect. Someone who's
           never had detention before.
TIFFANI : Someone who's... me.
TIFFANI : Ms. McBride?
MCBRIDE : Who goes there?
TIFFANI : It's me. Tiffani Smith. Um, I'm sorry we laughed at you before, but now that you've
           had some time to think about it, I'm sure you see what was so funny.
MCBRIDE : Oh, yes, I've just been sitting here giggling to myself about it.
TIFFANI : Oh, well, great. And I was hoping since you've had time to cool off, maybe you'd let
           Jake out of detention.
MCBRIDE : Oh, sure thing, darling. That wasn't very nice of me, was it?
TIFFANI : Boy, you're not at all like I thought.
MCBRIDE : I know. Everyone thinks I'm kind of mean, huh?
TIFFANI : Oh, maybe just a little.
MCBRIDE : Do you want to know why people think I'm mean? Come here, it'll just be our little
           secret. It's because... I AM MEAN!
TIFFANI : You set me up, didn't you?
MCBRIDE : That's affirmative.
TIFFANI : Boy, that was really mean.
MCBRIDE : I know. I like mean.
TIFFANI : You want mean? I'll give you mean -- Listen up, Ms. McButt. You're nothing but an
           overgrown girl scout with a pastry problem!
MCBRIDE : Deten-tion!
TIFFANI : But I, I...
MCBRIDE : Dismissed.
SLY : All right, Antoine. Twinkies, Hoho's, Ring Ding's. Let's pig out!
TONY : Hey, hey, get out of there. Now this is the Tony Wicks Anti-McBride Mobile Defense
        System. See, if she corners me again I'll be ready.
TIFFANI : Move it or lose it, Twinkle-toes!
JAKE : Just a hunch, but I still have detention, huh?
TIFFANI : Yeah. And after I yelled at her, she gave me detention.
MATT : You yelled at Maddog McBride?! Why don't you just jump off a fifty-foot building with  
        a fifty-one foot bungee cord?
SAM : This is terrible. With you guys in detention, we won't be able to audition.
TIFFANI : Hey, I just said she gave me detention. I didn't say I was going to detention. Are
           you with me or not, Sommers?
JAKE : You know, you're beautiful when you're angry.
TONY : You two are crazy. You cut detention and you'll need a Twinkie the size of Milwaukee
        to save your butt.
SAM : Oh boy, am I nervous. If Noah doesn't like us we won't play at the concert, and I won't
       get to meet Sting.
SLY : Relax. He's going to love you. What could go wrong?
MCBRIDE : Freeze! Well, well, if it isn't Mr. Sommers and Miss Smith. Cutting detention
           together--how very romantic.
JAKE : Look, we can explain...
MCBRIDE : You are absent without leave, Sommers! Now march!
MCBRIDE : IF YOU DARE TO MISBEHAVE
     MS. MCBRIDE WILL DIG YOUR GRAVE
     SOUND OFF
JAKE/TIFFANI : ONE, TWO
MCBRIDE : HIT IT AGAIN
JAKE/TIFFANI : THREE, FOUR
TONY : Well that's just terriffic. Now what are we supposed to do?
SLY : Pray that Noah's late.
NOAH : Okay. Let's hear the hottest band on the beach.
SAM : Anybody got any other ideas?
SLY : Noah, baby. There's been a little delay.
NOAH : Sorry, kids. My plane leaves at five.
MATT : Sly, do something!
SLY : I got it all covered.
SLY : Please! Don't go. Please, please, please, please, please! No! No!
NOAH : Stop it, you're drooling on my shoes.
MATT : Great. Our big chance and we blew it.
SLY : Not necessarily.
MCBRIDE : Welcome to detention. For the rest of the afternoon you are going to practice the
           discipline of silence. I don't even want to hear you blink.
TONY : Psst. Psst!
JAKE : Ms. McBride? I was thinking about what you've been saying about discipline and... I
       wanna be a Marine.
MCBRIDE : Really? Well, that's excellent news, son! The Corps could work wonders on you. Let's  
           start with a few push-ups.
TONY : Okay. We've got one last shot. Sly's bringing Noah to the guym.
MCBRIDE : One, two...
TONY : Matt and Sam are going to break you out. As soon as Maddog is gone, make a run for
        the gym!
MCBRIDE : ...Forty-nine, fifty. After you've done a thousand and your arms are burning like
           wildfire, then you'll know the beauty of being a Marine.
JAKE : Yeah, but I won't be able to lift a pen to sign up.
MCBRIDE : Hey, what's going on here?
MCBRIDE : I gave an order Miss Smith. No talking.
MCBRIDE : Don't I know you?
TONY : Oh... No, I, er... Incoming!!
MATT : So you know what to do, right?
SAM : Yes, Sir!
MCBRIDE : What is that racket?!
TIFFANI : Gee, it sounds an awful lot like dlog dancing.
MCBRIDE : Nobody move! I'm going to tippy-tap on someone's head!
MCBRIDE : Garrison, did you see a clog dancer out here? And a bad one at that?
MATT : He went that way. And he wasn't that bad.
MCBRIDE : I gotcha, you little clogger!
MATT : Come on, come on, come on.
TONY : All right! Great going, guys. You got them out!
JAKE : Yeah, just in the nick of time. A second longer and I'd have been on a bus to boot
       camp.
NOAH : If I lost my ticket at Sharkey's, why would it be in the high school gym?
SLY : Because the guy who found it is here.
NOAH : Great. Which one is he?
SLY : Me. And since you're here why not have a listen.
NOAH : Oh, I don't believe this. You did it to me again.
NOAH : This is amazing. But I am impressed. You got me here, you got the band here, you
        even got an audience on zero notice.
SLY : Audience? Where'd they come from?
JAKE : Well, if they're not here to see us, then who...?
TIFFANI : The County Clog Dancing Competition.
SLY : Here? Now?!!
JAKE : Perfect, Wimple. Just perfect.
KEVIN : What's up, Matt? Are you still bitter and trying to upstage us?
MATT : Look, we just need to play one song and then we'll go. Please, Kevin, please.
KEVIN : Okay. But only because you begged.
MATT : All right.
KEVIN : Hey, does the song have a clogging beat?
SLY : Forget it. Until they're done, this is a no-clogging zone.
MATT : Let's do it! One, two, three, four.

(MUSIC CUE : "LOW ROAD"
MATT : SHE'S LOST IN A DIRTY
  WORLD ONE STEP
  FROM A LITTLE GIRL
  SHE'S JUST
  A FACE IN
  THE CROWD
  LOOKIN DOWN
  LOOKIN NOT SO
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : PROUD
WELCOME TO THE LOW ROAD
MATT : GO HOME
  WHILE YOU KNOW THE WAY
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : HEADIN DOWN THE LOW ROAD
MATT : GET OUT BABY
  GET AWAY
  REALLY GOT TO CHANGE YOUR
MATT : MIND
TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : DOO DOO DOOOOOOO
MATT : BEFORE YOU CROSS THE
MATT : LINE
TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : DOO DOO DOOOOOOO
MATT : YOU THINK YOU'RE GETTIN
  HIGH
  BUT IT CUTS YOU TO THE BONE
        AND LEAVES YOU ALL ALONE
        ON THE LOW ROAD
MATT : SHE'S JUST
  A FACE IN
  THE CROWD
MATT : LOOKIN DOWN
        LOOKIN NOT SO
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : PROUD
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : WELCOME TO THE LOW ROAD
MATT : SAY GOODBYE
  TO YOUR CHILDHOOD
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : HEADIN DOWN THE LOW ROAD
MATT : ONE WRONG TURN
  AND IT'S LOST FOR GOOD
MATT/TIFFANI/SAM/TONY : WELCOME TO THE LOW ROAD)

KEVIN : Sorry, Matt. We couldn't help ourselves. That song was just so cloggable.
MATT : The cloggiest.
KEVIN : All right.
MATT : All right, man.
NOAH : Well, that was quite a show. The dancing was a little odd, but you guys are really hot.
MATT : So we got the gig?
TIFFANI : We're going to open for Sting?!
NOAH : Sting? No, I'm sorry, Sting already chose his new opening act -- Elton John is doing
        him a favor.
SLY : Oh, please. Like he's better than us.
NOAH : But maybe I can use you kids somewhere down the line. In the meantime, these are
        gor you. Enjoy. I got a plane to catch.
JAKE : Tickets to Sting!
MCBRIDE : And you can have them back as soon as you and your little helpers complete your
           tour of duty in detention.
MCBRIDE : March! Hup, two, three, four.

-THE END-