¡°Tiffani's Gold¡±/ Tuesday - January 26, 1999

SLY : Ah, well, well, well. If it isn't Ma. National Volleyball Team hopeful.
TIFFANI : Sorry I'm late, guys. Coach Hardaway made me stay after practice to work on my
           serve.
MARK : Hey, I can understand that. You'll be trying out against the best.
LORENA : Yeah, if you're going to have any shot at making the National Team, you've got to be
           perfect.
SAM : Yeah, perfectly perfect.
JAKE : No pressure though.
TIFFANI : Believe me, I don't need any extra pressure. Ever since my father took me to see
           the Nationals as a little girl, I've dreamed of winning a gold medal.
TONY : All right, here we go. There's ah... One for you... and one for you, and... Wait a minute.
        Do I know you?
TIFFANI : Oh stop it, Tony. I know I haven't been around much because of all the practices, but
           I have until two.
TONY : Oh, well... It's two o'clock now.
TIFFANI : Oh, well, that was fun. Hope to do it again soon. Bye!
LORENA : Hay que guapo! Look at him.
SLY : Oh, please. You girls are disgusting. Drooling all over those guys like they're pieces of
      meat.
LORENA : You're just jealous, Sly.
SLY : Uh... no. I'm not jealous. I just hate it when you think they're bigger studs than me.
SLY : What're you laughing at?
TONY : Uh, well just you and the word "studs" in the same sentence. Ha!
SLY : Right. This from a man with a Jell-o butt!
TONY : Oh, yeah?
SLY : Yeah.
TONY : Why don't you check out this Jell-o fist!
SLY : Bring it on.
MARK : You guys are pathetic.
SLY : Would you listen to this. My cousin, the chick magnet.
MARK : Well, I don't mean to brag, but it's common knowledge that classically-trained
        musicians, like myself, have to fight the women off.
SLY : Then, you must be a blackbelt, cause you're all alone, cuz.
TONY : Look, you two together couldn't attract a chick at Old McDonald's farm. As a matter of
        fact, I'll bet the cousins Wimple fifty bucks each that I'm a gigger stud than the both of
        you.
MARK : And, how are you gonna prove that? Have a stud contest?
SLY : That's a great idea! A "Mr. Stud Contest." Well get the girls to judge.
SAM : Fine, but we get to make up the rules.
LORENA : Yeah, that makes sense. You'd have to be a real man to pass our test.
TONY/SLY/MARK : I'm in!
SLY : How about you, Jake?
JAKE : What do you think?
MARK : How does he do that?
SAM : Here we go! Guys volleyball ends and showtime begins! Oh, yeah, I love guys in
       uniforms!
TIFFANI : Hey, Lorena, what are you doing here?
LORENA : Um... sightseeing?
LORENA : Want a turn?
TIFFANI : Sorry, I'm pooped. Coach Hardaway is really putting me through the ringer.
LORENA : But that's good, isn't it? Now you'll be in shape to beat all the other girls.
TIFFANI : Well, I'm not so sure. I mean, I thought I was good. But you should see them.
           They're bigger, faster, and stronger.
SAM : You're telling me!
LORENA : Oh no... Sam!
SAM : Hello, number fourteen!
COACH HARDAWAY : Perhaps you'd like some binoculars for a better view.
SAM : Uh... hi, coach. I wasn't peeping... I was preventing those peepers from peeping... Yeah,
      that's it.
LORENA : Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you slimebags!
TIFFANI : Go easy on them, Coach.
COACH HARDAWAY : I don't have time for that nonsense. I've got my hands full with you.
TIFFANI : I'm trying. I really am.
COACH HARDAWAY : Well, I'm afraid "trying" isn't enough. Just do it.
COACH HARDAWAY : Oh... look, I've coached you for two years -- I know you're good. But
                       you'll never make the team unless you bring up your game.
TIFFANI : How?
COACH HARDAWAY : Tiff, you're the shortest girl out there. If you're going to make up for
                       your height difference you've got to try even harder. You've got to dig
                       deeper.
NANCY : Boy, what does she expect you to do? Take roids?
TIFFANI : Roids?
NANCY : You know, steroids. They help you get strong real fast. A lot of jocks take them to
         get an edge.
TIFFANI : Oh yeah. Steroids. I'd never do that.
NANCY : Oh, I don't blame you. They're pretty dangerous.
LORENA : Okay, you stud wannabes, this is round one of the "Mr. Stud Contest." You each get
           one line to get Christy interested in you.
MARK : How you gonna judge who did best?
SAM : Simple. We'll judge your score based on her response.
TONY : Ah... that's a piece of cake. You are looking at the Picasso of pick-upitude, the
        Michaelangelo of make-out, the Da Vinci of pinchi. Hey, baby.
CHRISTY : Drop dead.
SLY : More like the Van Gogh of no-go. Excuse me.
SLY : Hey, sweet thing. I think it's time you changed your boyfriend.
CHRISTY : I think it's time you changed your pants.
SAM : Let's go, Mark. You're up.
MARK : Yeah, right. Like a guy could attract a girl that he doesn't know with just one line. It's
        impossible.
JAKE : Hey, who ever owns the red Mustang, you better go turn your lights off.
CHRISTY : That's mine... I guess I forgot. Care go join me?
MARK : How does he do that?!
LORENA : Tiffani, what happened to your wrist? Is it broken?
TIFFANI : No, just my pride. I can't believe how awesome those girls are. Today I hit the best
           spike of my life and one of them yawned and jammed it back down my throat.
SLY : There, there, Tiff. Here, rest a bit. Put your feet up. Comfy? Good. Now suck it up and
      get back out there!
SAM : Sly, come here... come here...
SAM : YOU'RE A DILLWEED!!
SLY : Hey, I was just thinking about us. Do you know how much publicity the band'll get if Tiff
      makes the team? Think about it: "Local Rock Band Features National Team Athlete." We'll
      get concert tours, interviews, even talk shows.
TONY : Well, as much as I hate to admit it, the Great Wet One may be onto something.
SAM : Yeah, Tiff. You've got to do whatever it takes to make that team.
SLY : Right! So let's go hit the loft. We gotta practice hard if we wanna get a world tour. Let's
      do it.
TIFFANI : Wait a second, Sly.
TIFFANI : I was thinking. If I'm going to have a chance beating out the other girls, I'm going to
           need some help.
SLY : No problemo. For a small fee, I know somebody who'll knock out a few kneecaps.
TIFFANI : No. Listen, I was thinking... Do you know where I can get some steroids?
SLY : Steroids? You can't be serious, Tiff--that stuff is bad news. You get mood swings, go
      bald... have a heart attack.
TIFFANI : Well, that won't happen to me. I'll only use them through the first cut. How much
           damage could they do in one week?
SLY : Wow, I don't know...
TIFFANI : Please. You guys just asid "do whatever it takes." I need the edge.
SLY : Yeah, but you're talking about taking drugs.
TIFFANI : C'mon, Sly. You know me. I'd never abuse them.
SLY : Okay, since it's you. I do know this guy who has a connection...
TIFFANI : Thanks.
TIFFANI : Hey, everybody, I made the first cut!
SAM : Way to go, Tiff. Now you can introduce us to the men's team.
TIFFANI : Any guys in particular?
LORENA : No. The whole team's fine.
TIFFANI : No problem. Boy, you should've seen me. Remember the girl that yawned at me?
           Well, I spiked that ball so hard at her it stuck in her mouth.
JAKE : Wow, I don't believe it. A week ago you were barely hanging on, and now you're a
       powerhouse. I mean, how'd you do it?
TIFFANI : Um... I don't know, I...
LORENA : What kind of question is that, Jake? She worked hard and put in the hours. Right,
           Tiffani?
TIFFANI : Um... yeah. Lots of hours. Boy, it's hot in here, Jake. Would you mind opening the
           window?
JAKE : No problem.
TIFFANI : For pete's sake. Let me do it!
SAM : Whoa, somebody's been pumping the iron.
TIFFANI : It was nothing. Jake obviously loosened it.
WAITRESS : They're ready.
LORENA : Great. Tiffani, you're just in time to watch round two of the Mr. Stud Contest. The
           guys are trying to see who can dress the studliest.
JAKE : You've got to be kidding.
SAM : Okay, boys, strut your stuff!
JAKE : You guys are pathetic.
MARK : How does--?
TONY : I don't know how he does it, okay?!
TIFFANI : Well, no time to kick back. I have to prepare for the final cut.
SLY : Hey, Tiff. I heard. Congrats on the first round.
TIFFANI : Well, thanks, Sly, but I gotta run.
SLY : Wait. Now that you're done... you know...
TIFFANI : I know, I promised. No more taking you-know-whats.
SLY : Good. Cause the last thing the band needs is a pretty blonde guitarist with a mustache.
SLY : I'm not kidding, Tiff.
TIFFANI : Okay, that's enough... for now. I'll be happy to sign more autographs after school.
COACH HARDAWAY : I am proud of you, Tiffani. The way you're playing now you could be the
                       first athlete I ever coached to make the National Team. That is, if you
                       make the final cut.
TIFFANI : Well, I'll try my best, Coach. I know, I know. "Forget trying. Just do it."
TONY : Ooh. There she is! The Nancy Kerrigan of PCH. May I have your autograph, please?
TIFFANI : Tony...
TONY : Oh, she said my name! Tiffani Smith actually said my name! Lord, I think I'm gonna
        faint!
TIFFANI : Cut it out, guys. It's not like I'm on the team yet.
JAKE : Oh, stop worrying. You're too good not to make it. Right, guys?
TIFFANI : Will you stop it?! I'm not Superwoman, you know!
SAM : Gee, Tiff, we didn't mean anything by it.
TIFFANI : I know... Look, I'm sorry. I guess all the pressure and excitement has just got me a
           little stressed out. I just need some quiet, that's all.
SLY : BABOOM!
TIFFANI : Sly!
SLY : Punch me later. I bring great news. You know the TV show, "Good Morning, Good
      Morning, Good Morning?" Well they want to do an interview when you make the team.
TIFFANI : Oh... that's neat, Sly. Thanks for thinking of me.
SLY : You? No, I was thinking about the band. They agreed to do the interview at a Dreams
      practice. Just think of the exposure! We're gonna be bigger than a fat lady's bill at a
      donut shoppe.
MARK : Way to go, cuz.
TIFFANI : Wait a minute. What if I don't make the team. Will they still do the interview?
SLY : Duh, what do you think?
TONY : Oh, man. Tiff, you gotta win.
SAM : I don't think we should hide the scores in here anymore. Sly's been trying like crazy to
      find out who's winning the contest.
LORENA : Oh, come on, Sam, you're boing paranoid. Even Sly wouldn't risk sneaking into the
           girls locker room.
SLY : Yes! The Sly man scores!
SLY : Yow! "Sly, you lose five points for ferret-like conduct."
TIFFANI : Oh, no! I can't be out!
SLY : You lied to me.
TIFFANI : Sly, what are you doing here?
SLY : Come on, Tiff, I saw everything. You're still taking steroids.
TIFFANI : Well, I'm sorry, okay? I mean you see how they're helping me. And now I'm "this"
           close to making the National Team. The National Team, Sly. Do you know what that
           means?
SLY : Yeah, a lot. But none of it's gonna matter if you keep using. You're hurting yourself.
TIFFANI : Nothing's going to happen to me. I'm still the same old Tiffani, just stronger.
SLY : No, you're changing. Look at you. You're moody, you're irritable, you snap at your
      friends... Not to mention what those things can do to your body. You could die from that
      stuff.
TIFFANI : Yeah, well, I need you to get me some more.
SLY : What?! Didn't you hear what I said? You can die!
TIFFANI : Yeah, I heard you! Did you hear me? The final competition is this afternoon, and
           when I make it, I'm going to ned more. This isn't a game, Sly!
SLY : No, it isn't. That's why I'm not going to help you.
TIFFANI : Fine! Then I'll get them myself.
SLY : Go figure. I'm in a girls locker room and I'm not happy.
LORENA : Where's Sly? We can't do the final event unless he's here.
TONY : Oh, yes you can. Disqualify him. It's very very unstudly to be late.
LORENA : Okay by me. The final event is a question: "When is it okay for a man to cry?"
           Mark, you have ten seconds.
MARK : Finally a decent question. I mean those other events, come on, picking up girls and
        modeling...? This makes sense. Okay, when is it okay for a man to cry? Hmm...
SAM : Time's up.
MARK : Oh, man...
LORENA : Tony?
TONY : This is a trick question, isn't it? You want me to act all mushy and say it's okay for
        men to cry. But I know that deep down inside you want your men to be strong. Unless
        you like mushy men. Well, then it's okay--But if you don't like mushy men, then it's
        never okay. Mm-hm, right so that's my answer.
CHRISTY : That movie was so sad, I even saw some guys crying.
JAKE : I know, I got choked up myself. But hey, I don't see anything wrong with a guy crying
       if he needs to.
CHRISTY : Aw, Jake, that is so sweet.
JAKE : So who won the stupid contest?
SAM/LORENA : You.
LORENA : You beat these bozos in every category. Congratulations, Mr. Stud.
TONY : Hey, hold on a second. How can Jake be Mr. Stud. He wasn't even in the contest!
SAM : Tony, real men don't need contests to be studs. They just are. Oh man. I think I'm
      gonna cry.
SLY : Guys, you gotta help me.
MARK : Too late, Sly, the contest is over. So we don't want to hear nay of your lame excuses.
SLY : This is important. Tiff's doing steroids.
MARK : Yeah and I'm Shaquille O'Neil.
SLY : I'm serious. She's been using ever since before the first cut. I think she's addicted.
JAKE : Tiffani? Sweet little Tiffani? You're crazy, Wimple. The only person who's addicted is
       you. To stupidity.
SLY : I'm telling you it's true! I know for a fact.
LORENA : How?
SLY : Cause I'm the one who... who ah... who, who saw her taking them. Come on guys you've
      all seen the symptoms. She turned from Tinkerbell to Wonder Woman almost overnight.
      And you've seen her mood swings. Just a minute ago she wanted to tear my head off.
TONY : Big deal. I feel like that most of the time.
SLY : Laugh all you want. It's called "roid rages." Ask any of the jocks.
MARK : Hey, I've heard of that. It's when users freaks out and can't control his anger.
TIFFANI : Will you stop already? I said no more autographs till after the competition. So back
           off! Hi. You guys coming to watch the final?
JAKE : Um... sure, Tiff.
TIFFANI : Good... Cause I'm gonna destroy them. I'm gonna nuke em! I'm gonna spike that ball
           so hard, it'll knock em on their weak little butts!
TIFFANI : Yeah!
JAKE : I think I've got a pretty good idea where he got the steroids.
JAKE : Am I wrong, Winkle?
TIFFANI : Thanks. All I have to say is this is only the beginning. Next step: I bring home the
           gold!
TIFFANI : What's with you guys? No congratulations? I made it!
TIFFANI : Boy, what a bunch of poopers.
TONY : We're worried, Tiff.
TIFFANI : Oh, I get it. You're afraid with all this success I'm going to get a swelled head. Well,
           don't worry. Just call me Ms. Smith from now on.
SAM : It's not that. Sly told us about the steroids.
TIFFANI : Steroids? Sly, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. How could you lie like that?
SLY : I'm not lying, Tiff. You're using and you know it.
TIFFANI : Oh, come on. Who are you going to believe? Me or Sly?
JAKE : Normally that would be a slam dunk, Tiff. But in this case, we believe Sly. I mean, it's
       pretty clear you're using.
TIFFANI : Okay, okay, so what if I am? It worked didn't it? And besides, if it's anybody's fault
           it's yours.
LORENA : Ours?
TIFFANI : "TIff, you gotta win so we can meet the men's team..." "Tiff, don't try, just do it." "
           Tiff, you'll make PCH famous. Do whatever you have to, we need that morning show
           interview!"
MARK : Well, you don't have to worry about that. We've decided to turn it down.
TIFFANI : What?! Well, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?
TONY : No, we don't. See you have a problem with drugs, Tiff. You need some help.
TIFFANI : Oh, so now I need help. Well, what do you want me to do? Quit the team?
TIFFANI : Right. I'm this close to my dream and you expect me to throw it away because I took
           a couple of stupid little pills? Well, forget it. I don't need help. I need new friends.
TIFFANI : What are you looking at? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!
TIFFANI : What am I doing?
JAKE : It's okay, Tiff. It'll be okay. It'll be okay.
JAKE : Tiff, where you been? We've tried to reach you for three days
TIFFANI : I'm sorry. I just needed some space.
MARK : Well, how are you doing?
TIFFANI : I'm still a little shaky. But my Dad's been taking me to counseling. I've been resting
           a lot, too.
JAKE : That's good.
TIFFANI : I guess you guys heard I withdrew from the team.
LORENA : We're really proud of you, Tiffani. We know it must've been hard.
SAM : Yeah, and we're really sorry we put all that pressure on you.
SLY : And I'm especially sorry, Tiffani. I should never have gotten the stuff for you in the first
      place.
TONY : Oh, you can say that again.
TIFFANI : Thanks, but it was my own fault. I'm the only one that can decide what I put into my
           body.
JAKE : Welcome back, Tiff.

-THE END-