¡°Heal the Bay¡±/ Wednesday - January 27, 1999

TONY : What's with the conch shell, Tiff?
TIFFANI : I'm so excited that the rain has stopped. I'm trying to alert the surfers everywhere
           that it's time to hit the beach!
SLY : Oh, yeah. Like that really works.
TIFFANI : See, it's clear at Zuma, too.
SAM : Great. Let's hurry, I wanna spot by the lifeguard tower -- it's the best place to drown.
LORENA : You're planning to drown?
SAM : You will too when you see the lifeguard.
LORENA : That's all you're bringing?
JAKE : Sure, everything else is there: sun, sand, surf... What more do you need?
LORENA : Plenty. I'm bringing my Cosmo, my makeup, my suntan lotion...a radio, a case of
           CD's, a cooler of mineral water, an umbrella, a folding chair, a portable cabana,
           some--
JAKE : What? No air conditioner?
LORENA : It's in the shop. I'm roughing it.
TIFFANI : Lorena, some people enjoy the beach as it is. I'm only bringing my surfboard.
MARK : And all I'm bringing is my guitar.
TIFFANI : Oh, so you can practice on the beach?
MARK : Yeah, practice getting girls.
SLY : Yeah, well, while you reel em in with your music, I'm gonna watch their approach with
      these... And, if I don't like what I see... "Bye-bye Buffailla."
SLY : Ow!
TONY : You see, who needs guitars and binoculars when you've got this? Excuse me.
TONY : Good news, Celia. I've got a towel with room for two... if ya catch my drift?
CELIA : Yeah, now you'll have room for you and your ego!
TONY : I'm not going.
MARK : Well, let's go.
SAM : Gross! You guys look like a trash heap.
RIP TIDE : I know. We hit some floating junk in the water and wiped. Some government dude
           pulled us out.
JAKE : What government dude?
STINGRAY : Government Dude Bob. He told us: "The municipal shore is closed, due to the
             large amount of post-consumer waste and a high bacteria count." Ha! Like bacteria
             can count.
TIFFANI : Oh, no! The water's too polluted to swim in? Why don't people throw their trash
           away.
MARK : Well, they do. Right into the ocean. Man there's got to be something we can do.
LORENA : Well, let's go bronze our bods.
TIFFANI : Wait! Weren't you guys listening? Our beach is polluted. You can't just ignore it.
SLY : We're not "ignoring it." We're just acting like nothing's wrong.
MARK : Sly, this is a big problem. We need to deal with it.
JAKE : Come on, you're overreacting. I mean, the rain always washes a lot of trash and junk
       into the ocean. We just won't swim today. We'll stay on the sand.
MARK : Fine, go ahead. But Tiff and I are going to see what we can do to help.
TIFFANI : Yeah, but before we go, I need to warn the other surfers about the pollution.
JAKE : Sly, Sam, can I talk to you?
JAKE : Never, ever leave me asleep on the beach with her again!
SLY : What's the big deal? A lot of people fall asleep on the beach.
JAKE : Yeah, but they usually don't make up with their toenails polished.
LORENA : Hey, it was a new color for me. I had to see how it looked, and I wasn't going to
           experiment on myself.
JAKE : "...I wasn't going to experient on myself."
SAM : Whoa! Check out this hickey!
TONY : Oh, yeah. Nice shape, good color. It's a masterpiece. You should've signed this one,
        Jake.
JAKE : I didn't do that.
LORENA : Of course not, I don't have a... Aiieeee!! Where'd that come from?
SLY : I guess Jake used the ole "wait-till-she-fall-asleep-then-suck-on-her neck" trick. Heh
      -heh-heh. Not that I've actually done it.
JAKE : Look, it wasn't me. Alright.
LORENA : You bet it wasn't. It's a sunburn. When I put on my sunblock I must've missed a
           spot.
GANG : Mm-hm.
TIFFANI : Good news, guys. We joined "Save the Beach."
MARK : Yeah. They're a really cool enviromental group that goes around cleaning up the water.
TIFFANI : And they told us there's a lot of things we can do to help the environment -- like
           don't throw your garbage into the sewers -- cause it goes directly into the ocean.
MARK : And this Saturday they're throwing a clean up the beach party.
SLY : Ah, who cares about a bunch of whale-huggers?
MARK : Well, they asked us to do a gig for them.
SLY : Shamu, who loves you, baby? How much? How much?
TIFFANI : Zero, Sly. We volunteered.
MARK : Sly, the environment is something we should all... Whoa! Mondo hickey!
TIFFANI : Guys! We're talking about the environment. Where are your priorities?
TONY : Priorities? I'll tell you about my priorities. First there's "girls." Then there's "girls."
        Beneath that there's "girls." And waaay down below that is "the environment... that I
        meet girls in."
SLY : Like the circus?
TONY : Ha, ha, ha. Try someplace nice, like Paradise Cove.
MARK : Good luck. They've closed down Paradise Cove, too.
TONY : What?! They can't close it! Paradise Cove is my favorite late-night-lip-locking-window
        -steaming-make-out spot!
TIFFANI : Well, if we dont' do something soon, that's not the only place that'll be closed. The
           whole world will be unlivable!
TONY : They closed Paradise Cove? Man, that's terrible...
TONY : Whoa, this place is disgusting. There's nothing but garbage and stink and... and a
        mermaid? A mermaid?!
TIFFANI : Please. It's mer-woman.
TONY : Well, what are you doing on land, Miss Mer-woman?
TIFFANI : Since you humans polluted the ocean so badly, we can't live there anymore. Now my
           whole mor-family's living downtown in a pool at the Y.
TONY : Aw, come on, you're pulling my... fin. I mean this water don't look so bad.
TONY : Did you see what that fish just did to me?! Beat it, ya feisty flounder.
TONY : Ha! You missed, didn't ya--
TONY : What was that all about?
TIFFANI : Well, all of fishkind is pretty ticked off at humankind for ruining paradise Cove.
TONY : THIS? This is paradise Cove?
TIFFANI : Sure. People still come here to make out.
TIFFANI : Uh-oh. That's a stage ninety-nine smog alert. You better put on your ags mask.
TONY : B-b-but I don't have a gas mask. I don't have a gas mask--
ANNOUNCER : Well, it's another stage-three smog alert today. And if you're heading to the
                beaches -- don't bother! They're still polluted from Redondo to Paradise Cove...
SAM : Has anybody seen the lovebirds yet?
MARK : Who?
SAM : Jake and Lorena. They've been secretly dating since the hickey.
MARK : That doesn't make any sense. Why would they keep it a secret?
SLY : It's a girl thing. They go out with you and then they say: "Let's keep this our little
      secret." I get it all the time.
SAM : So, tell me what's going on. First the hickey, then what? Does she get the leather jacket?
      Have you met the parental units? Hm? Hm? Hm?
JAKE : No! No! No! Look, get this through your gossipy little skull. We are not going out.
       She's not even my type.
LORENA : That's because I'm out of your league.
JAKE : You're right. I quit little league a long time ago.
LORENA : Of course. A guy like you must have a hard time getting a first down.
JAKE : You can't get a first down in baseball.
LORENA : I can.
JAKE : No you can't.
LORENA : Yes I can.
JAKE : Do you always have to have the last word?
LORENA : Yes.
JAKE : Aagh!
TONY : Knock off that noise pollution!
SAM : Tony, are you okay? You're panting.
TONY : Of course I'm panting! I ran to school. I'm not gonna drive a smog spewing car that
        pollutes the air and burns a hole in the ozone layer.
TIFFANI : Ozone layer? Since when are you so environmental?
TONY : I had an undeniably-terrifying-life-changing-end-of-the-world-nightmare! So, I went
        to the library and got this book on how to save the planet. We have got to act now.
TONY : Sly, are you nuts? Recycle this can! Is that polystyrene foam? You never use
        polystyrene foam!
TONY : And, Lorena!
LORENA : Uh-oh...
TONY : No more aerosol!! Are you trying to kill us all?! I suggest you buy the pump! Okay?
JAKE : Where are you going now?
TONY : I'm going to the parking lot. I'm gonna find everyone who didn't carpool and let the air
        out their tires!
TONY : Oh, Sly. Don't book any Saturday gigs.
SLY : Why not?
TONY : Well, I've booked us to play charity gigs every Saturday for all the environmental
        groups.
SLY : Ha ha. That's pretty funny... Free gigs... I'm going to kill you!
TONY : Well pardon me if I think saving the planet should win out ever profits... Hello, Celia!
TIFFANI : But obviously not over Celia.
TONY : Oh, no. I have to stop her! She's about to use a napkin!
SAM : Oh, no! A napkin! Aaah!
TONY : I'm serious. Those things are made with bleach that's lethal to the environment.
JAKE : Hold it! If you go over there talking like a nutcase, it'll be lethal to your love life. Do
       you want some adivce?
LORENA : Oh this should be good, Jake Sommers Guide to Romance : "Remember, club her
           over the head first, then, drag her back to your cave."
JAKE : Look, forget this environment bunk. Just go over to her like this...
JAKE : Take her hands... look her in the eyes... and tell her how beautiful she is. And how
       whenever she's near you your heart starts pounding and you feel like you're going to go
       crazy...
JAKE : Works every time.
MARK : I don't believe this. Tony has marked every can "Recycle or Die."
TIFFANI : Come on, Mark, he's got the right idea. Recycling is important.
SAM : He cut the power cords to our amps!
TIFFANI : He's dead meat!
JAKE : Where's Wicks?!
LORENA : What did he do now?
JAKE : That Eco-nutcase tagged my leather jacket!
JAKE : I'm...going...to...hurt...him!
TIFFANI : Wait a minute. I'm as mad at Tony as you guys, but violence never solves anything.
           There's got to be another way.
TONY : Jake, it worked! I've got my date with Celia!! It's going to be great. I'm gonna pick her
        up in a limo, buy her a delicious steak dinner and then a little dancing...
TIFFANI : Gee, Tony, that date doesn't sound very environmentally conscious to me. Limos eat
           a lot of gas. And is that steak dinner really worth hurting the rain forests?
GANG : Uh-huh.
MARK : Yeah, remember? Goodbye, world.
TONY : Oh man, I know you guys are right. But I've gotta impress her. So what am I supposed
       to do?
TIFFANI : Don't worry. We'll help. You just relax and we'll plan an environmentally correct date
           that Celia will never forget.
GANG : Uh-huh.
TONY : You guys would do that for me?
JAKE : Hey, after all you've done to us?
TIFFANI : We're almost done. Jake and Lorena, you guys set up the candles and the rest of us
           will finish the food.
SAM : Now, you two behave. No more hickeys while we're gone.
SLY : Unless she falls asleep. Heh-heh-heh-heh.
JAKE : So, I guess this is pretty cheesy by your standards, huh? I mean, you've problbly never
       been on a date that didn't cost the guy ten grand.
LORENA : You think you've got me all figured out, don't you? Like I'm some snob who won't
           give a poor guy a chance.
JAKE : Yeah, that's pretty much it.
LORENA : Well, you're wrong. Last summer I met this boy who worked part-time fixing cars...
           He wanted to ask me out, but he didn't have enough money. So he was nervous. I
           tried to help him relax. So I rubbed his shoulders... I ran my fingers through his
           hair... I wanted him to feel mompletely comfortable with me...
JAKE : So, uh, what happened on the date?
LORENA : Nothing! I didn't go out with him. He was broke!
TIFFANI : They're here! Get ready.
CELIA : That bicycle ride was so romantic. I thought you were going to do something cocky
        like pick me up in a limo.
TONY : No, me? Limo? No, I hate limos. See, I'm an Earth-loving-whale-hugger. Although I'd
        perfer to be a Celia-hugger.
MARK : Your table is right this way.
CELIA : On the floor?
TONY : On the floor?
LORENA : Tony said we shouldn't use furniture -- it's a waste of trees.
CELIA : Is that true? You like it this way?
TONY : Uh, sure. It's environmental. Allow me.
SAM : Here you are, Tony. All organically grown : seaweed, algae, and bean curd. And, for
      dessert, assorted fungi.
CELIA : Ucch! Tony, this is disgusting. We have to eat this?
TONY : Oh, well... you know, it's like I always say, "Be bold, eat mold."
TONY : No, I mean it... See?
TONY : Pleh!
TONY : Give me some water! Give me some water!
TIFFANI : No problem.
TIFFANI : Ohh, I almost just handed you a "ploystyrene" cup. Guys did you see that? I almost
           handed him a polystyrene cup. These things are terrible for the enviroment--
TONY : No, no, no! It's okay, give me that!
CELIA : That does it! I'm willing to help the environment, but not if it means having to sit with
        an eco-amniac.
TONY : Wait! Ceila! Wait! Let me explain! Wait! Celia! Wait!
CELIA : Go ahead.
TONY : Look, this has been miserable for me, too, okay? In fact, I can't imagine anything worse.
JAKE : Is that a leather belt?
TONY : Oh, no...
JAKE : Cow killer.
TONY : Please, no... ahhh!
SAM : You're not mad at us, are you?
TONY : No, I guess I had it coming. But I don't get it. How do you stay environmentally correct
        and still have decent dates?
SAM : Well, how do you guys do it?
JAKE/LORENA : WE'RE NOT DATING!
TIFFANI : Look, Tony, maybe we don't have to give up everything to save the world.
MARK : Yeah. We just need to be more aware of how the things we do effect the planet. Like
        remember to turn off the lights... take shorter showers.
SAM : We could drive less. Ride our bicycles more.
SLY : Yeah, and instead of playing a million charity gigs, how about none?!
SLY : Maybe just one.
TONY : I get it. You can't save the world by yourself. But if everybody pitches in, it'll be a
        good start. There's just one more thing that I still need to know.
TIFFANI : What's that?
TONY : Who has my belt?
JAKE : Hey.
LORENA : Hi.
JAKE : You're volunteering?
LORENA : Yeah, Why? You didn't think I would?
JAKE : No, no. I think it's cool.
LORENA : Oh. Thanks -- Hey, is that a sports jacket?
JAKE : Yeah, looks stupid, huh?
LORENA : No, you look nice.
JAKE : Oh. Thanks. You, too. Hey, we'd better not stand together too long or Sam might start
       sending out wedding invitations.
LORENA : No kidding. It's so ridiculous.
JAKE : What is?
LORENA : The idea of us being a couple. It's ridiculous... isn't it?
JAKE : Oh, oh, yeah. Completely.
SAM : Hey! Your hickey's peeling!
LORENA : Huh?
SAM : It's peeling. I guess it was a sunburn after all.
LORENA : Yeah, yeah... I guess it was.
SAM : Sorry guys. I was pretty obnoxious. I mean, what a stupid idea. You guys would make a
      terrible couple!
JAKE : Yeah.
LORENA : Yeah.
SLY : Alright guys, we've got these whale-huggers right where we want them. It's a perfect
      time to negotiate some bucks for this gig.
TIFFANI : Forget it, Sly. This one's on us.
TONY : Welcome to Paradise Cove everybody! We are the California Dreams, and we are proud
        to do our bit for Mother Earth, so we expect you to do yours!
MARK : Okay, here we go: Ready... one... two... three... four...
(MUSIC CUE : "DO SOMETHING"
JAKE : YOU'RE ALIVE
       YOU GOTTA MOVE
TONY : YOU GOTTA DO WHATCHA
 GOTTA DO
 OH YEAH
TIFFANI : YOU GOTTA TRY
TONY : YOU GOTTA CHOOSE
TIFFANI : YOU GOTTA USE WHAT
     YOU'VE GOT TO USE
TONY : BEFORE YOU LOOSE IN
TIFFANI/SAM : AND DON'T BELIEVE
    THAT YOU HAVE NO EFFECT
JAKE : YOU ARE A PERSON TO BE
MARK/JAKE : RECKONED WITH
ALL : IF YOU DO SOMETHING
TONY : NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
TIFFAN/SAM : YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE YOUR MARK
JAKE/MARK : SO USE YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART
ALL : JUST DO SOMETHING
TONY : MAKE A STAND
ALL : CHANGE IS IN YOUR HANDS
DO SOMETHING
TONY : YOU'RE ALIVE YOU GOTTA MOVE
ALL : JUST SOMETHING
JAKE : YOU GOTTA TRY
 YOU GOTTA CHOOSE
ALL : DO SOMETHING
TONY : THIS IS IT
  THIS IS THE TIME
JAKE : CAUSE DOIN NOTHING IS A CRIME
ALL : JUST DO SOMETHING
TONY : MAKE A STAND
ALL : YOU DO SOMETHING
TONY : NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
TIFFANI/SAM : YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE YOUR MARK
JAKE/MARK : SO USE YOUR MIND AND YOUR HEART
ALL : JUST DO SOMETHING
TONY : MAKE A STAND
ALL : CHANGE IS IN YOUR HANDS)

-THE END-