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"Budget Cuts" / Wednesday - January 27, 1999
ACTOR : Zounds, wench. I didst order this burger medium rare. Get thee to a grillery.
TONY : Check out the drama club. They're rehearsing Hamlet.
TIFFANI : Why aren't you rehearsing, Tony? I thought you auditioned to play Hamlet.
TONY : I did, but somehow those shabby-Shakespearean-charlatans failed to recognize my
talent, my wit, and my grace... Whoops.
ACTOR : I quit! Thou canst not rehearse under such conditions!
DIRECTOR : Hey! You walk out now and you'll never act in this--restaurant--again.
TONY : Ha! Serves them right. And no matter how much they beg me, I'll never work for those
no-talent-chumps.
DIRECTOR : Um, Tony--
TONY : I'll help thee! I'll help thee!
DIRECTOR : Good. Start memorizing. We open in a week.
TONY : Yeah, I'm going to play Hamlet!
MARK : Way to go, Tony!
TONY : Please! Call me... Antoine.
SLY : I say yo ba-ba. Yo ba-ba. Yo ba-ba boom boom boom.
LORENA : Hey, I didn't know ferrets could rap.
SLY : Hey, thanks. Now feast your eyes on the school radio station's new program director!
SAM : What did you do to the old program director, Sly? Bribe him?
SLY : Bribe? Nah. I didn't "bribe" anyone. I just gave him fifty bucks to go away. Heh-heh-heh.
JAKE : What's your game, Winkle? I mean, the radio station is there to give the students a
voice. What do you have to say besides... "Heh-heh-heh?"
SLY : Just that I'll sell some of the advertising time and keep some of the money on the side
as a... "finder's fee."
SAM : You imbecile. There's no advertising. The school station is funded by the school budget.
SLY : No money?
JAKE : Forget that. This is a great opportunity. I mean, we could all have our own shows.
SAM : Oh...
LORENA : Hey, that's true...
SLY : No money?
JAKE : I'm psyched. I mean, I can finally make a difference. I can do a show about real issues.
You know? No fluff, no gossip...
SLY : No money?!
MARK : Sly, relax. As program director you get to hire and fire people.
SLY : Power? I like it!
LORENA : I know what kind of show I want to do.
JAKE : You? A person whose idea of extra curricular activity is getting a manicure?
LORENA : Very funny, you fake fonzie.
JAKE : Aaaay...
LORENA : I'd like to do a radio show. Something informative. Something important. Something
about...fashion.
JAKE : Oh, gosh. Maybe that could lead you to a career as a... weather girl.
SLY : Attention listeners. It's time to say adios to "Radio-PCH" and buenos nachos to "Radio-
Sly."
SLY : Brought to you by the Sultan of Soundwaves himself... You guessed it -- Sly Winkle.
SLY : Oh, yeah, I think I'll teach that to my parrot. Play that as often as you can.
MARK : You bet I will, cuz.
MARK : This is Mark Winkle--the good Winkle--your Campus Critic. Count on me to review
all the big school events in a thoughtful and intelligent manner. First up, Mrs.
Sharpton's lecture on Lithuanian gardening... Next up, the algebra mid-term. And last,
Coach Spalding's new toupee... So tune in next time when I'll review the school
production of Hamlet.
SAM : Sam's advice line. Spill your guts, baby.
KATE : Help me, Sam. I think my boyfriend is cheating on me with my best friend.
SAM : You know, that sort of reminds me of "Mrs. Doubtfire" when Robin Williams was trying
to fool his wife, so he dresses up like a woman and dances the "Funky Lady."
KATE : What does that have to do with my problem?
SAM : It's a really funny movie. It'll cheer you up when he dumps you.
LORENA : Hello, PCH. This is Lorena Costa clueing you into what's hot and what's not. First on
the list, combat boots are hot, but wearing them with tube socks is not.
LORENA : Baseball caps are still hot, but wearing them backwards...not.
LORENA : Carrying your sweetie's books is again hot. But in a bookbag? Afraid not.
JAKE : This is Jake Sommers, your radio rebel, with my new show, "Shut Up and Listen." Lots
of stuff's been bugging me lately--So shut up and listen. Like this morning...
Apparently, I parked my Harley too close to Principal Blumford's car. So he asked me-
-get this--to move my bike. Hey, I've got my pride. I told him if he wanted it
moved, he could move it himself. And he did. He had it towed. Hey, I'm tired of being
pushed aroung because I'm a teenager.
JAKE : I wanted to say "Shut up and listen. I got rights."
JAKE : I've gotta tell you... You guys, I'm really proud of my show. I mean, I feel like I'm
really getting the students fired up.
LORENA : You couldn't get them fired up if you were a flame thrower.
JAKE : So I guess shallow and trendy are "hot" and real issues are "not."
LORENA : Let me get this straight. For instance, you didn't think what a person wears to a
school dance matters?
JAKE : Definitely not.
LORENA : So that means, it wouldn't matter if I sashayed up to you at the dance.. wearing a
hot, red dress. The kind of dress that calls out "Hold me close and dance with me
even closer."
JAKE : Well...um, that might matter. Do you have a dress like that?
LORENA : You'll never know.
MARK : So... anybody want to go see Tony's play tonight? And, Lorena, feel free to wear that
dress.
TONY : "To be or not to be... That is the question."
SAM : I've got another question: Is this going to go on forever?
TONY : Yep. "Show me thou'lt do! Woo't weep? Woo't fight? Woo't fast?"
JAKE : Woo't shut up?
LORENA : Well, Jake, at least now you know how we feel listening to your radio show.
JAKE : Are you telling me that my show is as boring as Tony's play?
TONY : Who doth call me boring?!
SLY : Hey, guys, I've got the survey results of our radio shows. Tiff, Makr, Sam, solid. The
students like you. But the show they loved, the show that everyone is talking about...
SLY : Lorena's.
JAKE : Wait a minute. What about my show?
SLY : Sorry, Jake. But for some strange reason, no one likes being told to shut up and listen.
You need to change your format.
JAKE : Oh, yeah? Well, what do you suggest?
SLY : How about something like "Hush and be attentive."
JAKE : How about "Run and stay alive?"
SLY : Look, Jake, just swallow your pride and change your show a little. I'm trying to help you
out. I'm your friend.
JAKE : No way.
SLY : Alright, you're fired.
TONY : Okay, guys, now how was I in the play? Was I "A": phenomenal? "B": incredible? Or "C"
: Denzel Washington's more talented brother?
SAM : Or "D"...
TIFFANI : What Sam means is... uh, that it kills her that the show's over already. Personally I
thought that you were... Okey-dokey.
TONY : You see, I don't have time for your cheesy, amateur opinions. It is two-thirty, and it's
time to listen to a true professional.
MARK : ...And my final review: last night's school play. While the sets and costumes were
imaginative, I found Tony Wick's portrayal of "Hamlet" especially refreshing.
TONY : You hear that? Hm? I'm refreshing.
MARK : Refreshing because I fell asleep in the first act and had the best nap I've had in three
weeks. Overall, "Hamlet" gets a...
TONY : To kill him or not to kill him. That is the question.
LORENA : And join me tomorrow when I'll be discussing why minis and thunder thighs don't
mix.
BLUMFORD : Winkle, we have to talk. And look, don't try to pull any slick cons on me, cause
I'm on to you.
SLY : I would never con you, Principal Blumford.
BLUMFORD : Oh, yes you would.
SLY : It's just so easy.
BLUMFORD : Look, I have some bad news. The school board's made more budget cuts, and the
radio station's on the chopping block. I have to close it down.
LORENA : What?!
MARK : Can't we talk to the School Board?
BLUMFORD : Sorry, the School Board doesn't want to hear from students on financial matters.
SLY : Could you say that again?
BLUMFORD : What? "The school board doesn't want to hear from students?"
SLY : That's incredible. You have a golden voice. Have you done radio before?
BLUMFORD : Well, as a matter of fact, back in college, they called me "Wolfman Blumford."
BLUMFORD : Okay, you did it to me again. But you can't con yourself out of this one. Radio-
PCH is off the air.
LORENA : This is so unfair. I finally get involved in something at school, and the School Board
goes and cuts it out of the budget.
SLY : All the School Board cares about is money. It makes me sick.
MARK : Hey, I have an idea. Let's start a petition. We can get everyone in school to sign it.
TONY : That's a stupid idea. As stupid as your review of my play.
MARK : Okay, well... How about a protest rally? That would get attention.
TONY : Man, that idea's even stupider.
MARK : Well, what about--
TONY : Stupid, stupid, stupid.
MARK : Come on, man. Just because I gave you a bad review, are you going to criticize me for
the rest of my life?
TONY : You know the way you just asid that was grammatically incorrect.
MARK : Man, you're impossible. I'm out of here.
TONY : Look at the goofy way you walk. It must be those Mister Roger's shoes. Did your Mama
buy you those?
SAM : Actually, I thought Mark's idea about the petition sounded pretty good.
LORENA : Yeah, I agree. I--
LORENA : What are you laughing at?
JAKE : Oh, you and your cute little ideas for saving the radio station.
LORENA : Oh, is your pride still hurt because no one liked your show? Spare us your laughter.
We don't need your opinion, Mr. Rebel.
JAKE : Oh, you definitely need my opinion. See, I know what to do because I am a rebel. A
rebel: a guy who likes passion pumping hard in his veins. Who likes getting sweaty and
dirty, and taking what's his.
LORENA : What would you do?... I mean, to save the station.
JAKE : I'd lock myself in there and broadcast non-stop till the School Board bends.
LORENA : You could get detention for that.
JAKE : Or worse. But isn't it worth the risk for something you believe in?
SAM : Guys! Listen to this!
LORENA : ...That's right, Radio-PCH is back on the air. This station's hot and the School
Board's not.
TIFFANI : Lorena locked herself in the station! I can't believe it.
JAKE : How about that? There's more to that girl than just a pretty face and a gold card.
LORENA : And PCH, you can count on me to keep broadcasting in protest until the School Board
backs down.
BLUMFORD : What was that?
SLY : Uh, that wasn't anyone broadcasting from the radio station.
BLUMFORD : Oh good. Wait a minute. Radio...voice... Radio-voice! You're wrong, Winkle.
Someone is in there.
JAKE : Looks like Lorena's about to learn the price of being a rebel.
TIFFANI : I hope you're satisfied.
JAKE : Me?
SAM : Yeah, Jake. She got this idea from you.
MARK : You have to do something.
JAKE : Yeah, I guess you're right. I gave her a taste of the rebel's life, but she's in over her
head. Now it's up to me to rescue her. This is gonna be great!
LORENA : This is our station, PCH. It's up to us to save it. Remember, we have not yet begun
to fight... It is always darkest before the dawn...and uh, uh... there's no place like
home.
BLUMFORD : Open this door!
LORENA : Sorry, Principal Blumford. That door stays locked until the School Board agrees to
meet with us.
BLUMFORD : Look, I understand you're upset, but you're going about this the wrong way. Now
come out here, or you'll be in serious trouble.
JAKE : You locked the door, but you forgot the window. Some rebel.
LORENA : Well, unlike you, Principal Blumford is a gentleman, and a gentleman only uses the
door.
BLUMFORD : Why, thank you Lorena. That's very nice.
LORENA : You're welcome.
LORENA : Who is it?
BLUMFORD : It's Principal Blumford. May I come in?
LORENA : No!
BLUMFORD : I'll be back.
JAKE : Okay, let's go. You've proved your point. I'm impressed.
LORENA : You think I did this to impress you?!
JAKE : Look, it's not like I'm not flattered, but...
LORENA : Oh! You are so arrogant! Whatever happened to this radio station being the voice of
the students?
JAKE : I just think that the voice of the students should say more than "There's no place like
home."
LORENA : My voice is important! Every student's voice is important.
JAKE : Look, you're in over you head. Listen to me!
LORENA : Ha! It'll be a smogless day in L.A. before I listen to you!
JAKE : Ha! You already did! It was my idea to take over the station!
LORENA : Ha! And look at what trouble you got me in.
JAKE : Ha! Huh? You drive me crazy!
LORENA :You drive me crazier.
JAKE : You make me sick.
LORENA : You make me nauseous!
JAKE : You infuriate me!
LORENA : I like you!
JAKE : I like you more!
JAKE : Wow.
LORENA : Yeah. Wow.
JAKE : Yeah, we may disagree about everything else, but I love your passion for this radio
station.
LORENA : What radio station?
JAKE : What?!
SLY : You guys are great! Everyone's going nuts. The whole school's behind you.
JAKE : It's Sly. He says the whole school's behind us.
LORENA : Of course they are!
SLY : The radio is the voice of the students! And from all of us kids in the hall, here's big fat
one right back at ya...
SAM : This is a day that will go down in PCH history.
TIFFANI : You bet. It's not everyday the entire school walks out in protest.
SAM : Protest, phooey! I'm talking about Jake and Lorena's mega-hot radio lip-lock.
MARK : I mean, if they hadn't kissed, they might have killed each other.
MARK : It was getting so hot in there, I thought they'd set off the sprinklers. I was ready to
call the fire-- Tony! Enough is enough!
TONY : Oh, after the review you gave me, I'm just getting warmed up.
MARK : Look, I'm a critic. I was just doing my job. I'm sorry I didn't think you were a good
actor.
TONY : Hey, there's criticizing and there's dissing. And what you were doing was dissing me.
See, friends don't rip each other apart on the radio, Mark. You hurt me, man. You can't
even cop to that.
MARK : Tony, I said I was...
TONY : Hey, I'm not playing. Consider our friendship terminated. I don't ever want to see you
again. In fact, I can't even stomach being around you. Good-bye!
MARK : Come on, Tony...
TONY : You still think I'm a bad actor?
MARK : You're the best, Antoine.
TONY : I thank you all.
JAKE : Hey, everyone. Mr. Blumford is here. No doubt to try to scare us away with more
threats. Go ahead, Blumford. Do your worst.
BLUMFORD : Oh, calm down, Sommers. No wonder no one liked your show. Now look, I spoke
to the school board, and they've agreed to meet with you.
BLUMFORD : You can present your case at a special meeting tonight.
BLUMFORD : They want to do it in a neutral place.
JAKE : How about Sharkey's?
BLUMFORD : Mm-hm. It's a deal.
LORENA : We won. Yay! Now I can go to the bathroom.
JAKE : Hey. Godd luck tonight with the School Board.
LORENA : What do you mean? You'll be there, right?
JAKE : You think I'm going to a School Board meeting to argue for a station that I can't even
have a show on?
LORENA : Oh, I see. Now that the fun rebel part's over and it's time to act like an adult, you
run away?
JAKE : It's not my cause.
LORENA : You little selfish baby. Maybe saving this radio station is more important than your
pride.
JAKE : Hey, I never let pride get in my way.
LORENA : Oh, no? Then how come it took so long for you to kiss me?
JAKE : I didn't kiss you. You kissed me.
LORENA : You see? You're so proud you can't admit you wanted to kiss me.
JAKE : So? You can't admit you wanted to kiss me!
LORENA : Because I'm proud. Just like you.
JAKE : I'll go with you tonight to that meeting.
LORENA : Thanks.
LORENA : I'll kiss you in a minute, but I've really got to go!
MR. POUCH : This meeting is called to order. Are the students ready to present their case?
SLY : I don't get this. Where's Jake?
LORENA : He'll be here. We've got to stall them.
TONY : I know what to do. All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely--
MR. POUCH : Sit down, young man.
MARK : I thought you were brilliant.
TONY : Oh, thanks, bro...
MR. POUCH : If the students have no intention of being serious then I suggest that we just--
MR. POUCH : Order! Order!
JAKE : I apologize to the Board for being late, I know how valuable your time is. I've been
studying this year's budget. And I know how the Board can make up the deficit. Instead
of just gutting the radio station, make smaller cuts from several programs.
MR. POUCH : Son, we know the numbers. But we believe the station is simply less essential
than the other programs.
JAKE : Essential huh?
MR. POUCH : Well, therefore if that's all you have...
JAKE : Wait. I can show you exactly why the radio station is essential. Sylvester Winkle, stand
up.
JAKE : This man, whose only true love is money, gave up his time to direct the radio station
without making any profit. And that was a first, wasn't it, Sly?
SLY : First and last.
JAKE : And next to him is Mark Winkle. Through his radio show, he and Tony Wicks learned a
valuable lesson about friendship.
TONY : About talent, too.
JAKE : And Lorena Costa, who had the single most popular show in school. This was the first
time she's ever gotten involved in any extra-curricular activity. I mean, who knows, she
may have found a career in radio. The Point is, she found something she loves.
LORENA : I found two things I love.
JAKE : Which brings us to me. Through the station, I learned that no matter how hard it is to
swallow your pride, sometimes you've just got to tell yourself to shut up and listen. And
isn't that an essential point of education?
MR. POUCH : Give us a moment.
MR. POUCH : The Board does not appreciate the tactics Mr. Sommers and Ms. Costa used to
get our attention. And we do hope that Principal Blumford is planning a suitable
punishment.
BLUMFORD : Oh, they'll get theirs.
SLY : Please, sir, not another month of hall passes.
MR. POUCH : That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
MR. POUCH : Fine. And that being said, the Board will consider which departments to make the
cuts from so that the radio station can remain open.
BLUMFORD : Wait a minute! Hall passes for a month?! Winkle!! You!!
-THE END-
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