"The Fashion Man" / Tuesday - February 2, 1999

(MUSIC CUE : "HANDLE WITH CARE"
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : HANDLE IT WITH CARE
SAM : THEY SAY THAT THERE'S A FIRST TIME
FOR EVERYTHING
LOOKS LIKE MY TIME HAS COME
LIKE THUNDER AND LIGHTENING IN
MY HEART
I REALIZE THAT YOU'RE
THE ONE
LOVE IS STRONG
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : LOVE IS STRONG
SAM : AND I'M WEAK FOR YOU
IF IT'S WRONG
ALL : I DON'T KNOW TO DO
SAM : HEY BABY
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : THIS IS LOVE AND THAT'S FOR SURE
HEY BABY
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER GAVE AWAY MY HEART BEFORE
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : I SWEAR
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : I SWEAR
SAM : HANDLE IT WITH CARE
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : OOOH OOOH OOOH
SAM : DARLING YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO DID THIS TO ME
OOOH OOOH OOOH
ALL : DON'T FORGET
OUT LIPS MET
AND WE MAKE HISTORY
SAM : HEY BABY
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : THIS IS LOVE AND THAT'S FOR SURE
HEY BABY
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : HEY BABY
SAM : I NEVER GAVE AWAY MY HEART BEFORE
MARK/JAKE/TIFFANI/TONY : NO NEVER
SAM : I SWEAR
HANDLE IT WITH CARE)

SLY : This stinks. I do all the work and the band gets all the credit.
LORENA : Ay, pobrecito. You want some attention?
SLY : No, I don't want attention. I want crowds of people to chant my name.
LORENA : Hey, with enough money, you can pay people to do anything. Excuse me, I've got to
           tell the gang how hot they were.
GIRL #2 : Hey! You're the Dreams manager, aren't you?
SLY : Sure am. What can I do ya for, babe?
GIRL #2 : Well, for starters, you could... introduce me to Jake.
SLY : Oh, yeah, yeah... just give me your number; I'll make sure he gets it.
GIRL #2 : Thanks.
MARK : So do you really think that Samson guy is hot?
SAM : Well, not so much in this picture...
SAM : But he is in this one and this one and this one...and especially in this one.
TONY : I can't believe you're making such a big deal over a hair-moussin-mirror-gazin-pretty-
        boy-model.
TIFFANI : You're just jealous.
TONY : Amen to that.
JAKE : Oh, get real. It's the dumbest profession there is. I mean, you get paid a million bucks
       and you don't need brains or talent.
SLY : That's perfect for me. "Amber Dubois Modeling Academy. Samson says, "I owe it all to
      Amber Dubois." Hey, uh, maybe I could be a model.
TIFFANI : Why not?
SAM : It's possible.
SLY : Hey, guys, guess what! I called that modeling academy and Amber Dubois is coming here
      to meet me in person.
JAKE : What's the matter, Winkle? Your brain still at the cleaners?
SLY : No. I'm practicing posing.
SLY : I want Amber to see me at my best. Check this pose out.
AMBER : You must be Sly Winkle.
SLY : And you must be...heh-heh--really sorry to meet me.
AMBER : Oh, relax, darling. You should have seen Samson before I got my hands on him. Oh,
         at least you don't have a drooling problem.
SLY : Well, that depends. What constitutes a problem?
AMBER : Never mind that. I'm going to be honest with you, Sly. I've launched some of the
         hottest models in the biz, and in my opinion...you've got a lot of potential.
SLY : Ha! Did you hear that? I've got a lot of potential!!
SAM : I guess the ferret look is in.
AMBER : You're very pretty. Have you ever thought of modeling, darling?
SAM : Me? Well... Maybe one or two...thousand times.
AMBER : Well, you really should pursue it. The Asian look, oh, it's hot right now.
LORENA : What about the Latin look?
AMBER : Oh, it's coming back. Ole, darling.
LORENA : Ole.
TONY : And the African-American look?
AMBER : It never went out, bro.
TONY : Oh, gimme love.
AMBER : Right on.
MARK : What about the... the... what the heck am I?
AMBER : I don't know, but whatever you are is fabulous, darling. But it takes more than good
         looks to make a model. That's why I offer a free evaluation.
SLY : I'm there. How bout it, guys?
TIFFANI : Uh, I don't know, Sly. Maybe we should think about it.
AMBER : Did I mention that a lot of models make five-hundred dollars an hour?
GANG : We're there.
AMBER : Hello. Yes... It's Samson. He's doing a Fruit of the Loom ad and he's unhappy because
         his underwear's too tight.
SAM : Did you hear that? She's talking to Samson. My Samson. And he's in underwear...!
AMBER : It's byoo-tee-ful. I got seven suckers here, Hank. Oh, yeah, we oughta be able to
         milk two, tree grand out of dem, easy.
AMBER : I know those evaluation forms are in here somewhere... Uh, Christy Brinkley, Cindy
         Crawford... Oh, here it is, right next to Claudia Schiffer.
MARK : Hey, when I die, bury me in that file cabinet.
SLY : Me, too.
AMBER : The first thing I'm going to evaluate is your posture. Now, balance those books on your
         heads, then walk downstage and back.
LORENA : Tony, you need a staple gun?
TONY : I've got a better idea.
TONY : I am bad. I am bad.
AMBER : Okay, now for something we in the business call the reaction test. React as if this
         were an actual photo-shoot, hm?
AMBER : Alright, give me happy. Even happier. Now sad. Very, very sad. You're about to cry.
         Now you're happy again. Okay. That's it. Just give me a moment to look over your
         scores.
SLY : Boy, I sure hope I did okay. I mean, I know I nailed the happy part. But that "even
      happier" part... Whew, that was tough!
AMBER : This is incredible! For the first time in the history of this academy, every student
         passed the evaluation exam.
AMBER : Now, all you have to do is fill out the forms...and write me a check for five hundred
         dollars.
TIFFANI : Five hundred dollars?
AMBER : Well, yes, darling, for the classes and photo labs.
JAKE : You know, if you'd caught me on any other day, it'd be no problem, but I just spent my
       last five-hundred dollars having my limo waxed, darling.
AMBER : Okay... I'll tell you what, since you all show such great potential, I'll give you a
         special rate of just two hundred and fifty dollars. If you sign up tonight.
SAM : I don't know. That's a lot of money.
TIFFANI : Yeah, I can't...
SLY : Yeah. And I just spent a fortune on the love of my life. What a body.
TIFFANI : Sly, I didn't know you were dating anybody.
SLY : I'm not. I'm talking about my car. A sixty-seven mustang.
AMBER : We're talking about your future, people. What's two hundred and fifty little dollars?
TONY : A lot of little something we don't have. Night.
AMBER : Sly, just a second.
AMBER : I, uh, I think you should know you did better on that test than... Samson himself.
SLY : I did?
GIRL #1 : It's Sly! It's Sly!
GIRL #2 : Got out of the way! He's mine.
SLY : I don't blame you. I am fabulous, aren't I?
JAKE : Thanks for stopping by, Sly.
TIFFANI : Uh, yeah. It's nice to know you haven't forgotten about your old friends.
SLY : I could never forget you, Sally.
SLY : Hey, hey, hey, don't touch me. None of you touch me. Well, maybe just you. And you...
      you're kind of cute... oh, what the heck, you can touch me.
SLY : Where do I sign?
SLY : Ciao, people.
TONY : What are you doing?
SLY : Homework. Amber's teaching me how to walk, pose, even drink a soda so that the label is
      visible to the camera. Obsoive.
SAM : That's great, Sly! You could model baby bibs.
SLY : So it's not so easy. But Amber says if I keep working on it, I could be the next Samson.
      Well, time to go. I'm ready for my new class -- Advanced Modeling for the Camera.
      Another five-hundred dollar course for the ultra-low price of two-hundred and fifty
      bucks.
TONY : What? Are you telling me that you've already spent five-hundred dollars on classes?
SLY : No, you moron. I've saved five-hundred dollars. Not to mention, I no longer slouch.
JAKE : Sly's taking "advanced" classes after only two days of training?
TONY : Well, I don't know, man. He couldn't get into an advanced class at a dog school.
SAM : I hate to say it, but I think Amber DuBois is a con artist.
TIFFANI : Yeah, it sounds like one of those scams that promises you a future, but all you end
           up with is an empty wallet and soda up your nose.
MARK : No way. The day my cousin falls for a scam, is the day I'll do the "Funky Chicken."
PLUMP BOY : Tim, I just met this woman named Amber Dubois. She thinks I could be the next
               Samson!
HANK : Okay, kid. I'm ready.
HANK : Alright, I want you to give me happy.
SAM : Sly, we need to talk.
HANK : Now big smile! Big smile!
JAKE : Sly, we think this modeling academy's a scam.
SLY : No way. Not a scam.
HANK : Alright, all the girls are watching. I want you to give me sexy.
TONY : At least call the Better Business Bureau or something.
HANK : Now angry. Give me angry.
SLY : Would you get out of here?!
HANK : That was good. Give me a pout.
LORENA : Oh, I'm a great pouter.
SLY : Hank, give me a minute.
SLY : Would you guys backoff?! I'm the king of cons. If this were a con, I'd know it.
JAKE : Sly, look...
SLY : No, you look. They're here because of me. Sly Winkle. You guys just can't handle that I'm
      finally getting some attention.
TIFFANI : But Sly...
AMBER : Ciao, darling. Great news: I think you're ready to go pro.
SLY : I am? Whoa...!
AMBER : I'm having a fashion show and inviting the top modeling agents. I want them to see
         my best students. I want you to be in it.
SLY : You want Sly Winkle, you got him.
AMBER : Oh, fabulous. I'll just need a check for two hundred and fifty dollars, to cover
         expenses.
TIFFANI : You expect Sly to give you more money.
SLY : I don't know, Amber. I'm kind of broke right now.
AMBER : Oh, oh, well. I see you're just not serious enough to do what it takes to be a
         supermodel.
SLY : Wait! Wait! I am serious. I guess I'll just have to sell my car.
AMBER : Fabulous, darling.
MARK : Sly, what are you thinking? You can't sell your car.
TIFFANI : Yeah. Think of all those girls who have slapped your face in the back seat.
SLY : Ah, once I go pro, I'll be able to get my face slapped in a dozen cars. Now, if you'll
      excuse me, my fans are waiting.
MARK : Uh, uh, I'm here to clean up. I'm the new janitor.
AMBER : You're not a janitor.
MARK : Yes, I am.
AMBER : No... you're a model waiting to be discovered. Give me a call. You could be the next
         Samson, darling.
MARK : Come on. She's gone.
JAKE : Okay, we've got to find something to prove that Amber's a fake. It's the only way that
       dillweed Sly will believe it.
SAM : I'll search Samson!
TIFFANI : This is weird. All of Amber's celebrity files are empty. Even Samson's.
JAKE : Guys, it's the phone.
AMBER : You've reached Amber Dubois Modeling Academy. Please leave a message at the beep,
         darling.
HANK : Amber, it's Hank. The Winkle kid's totally snowed. Between him and the new kids we
        reel in at the fashion show, we should make a bundle.
TONY : Looks like we've got our proof.
SAM : Somebody's coming.
SAM : Sorry, I thought I heard something.
TIFFANI : You did. It was your heart pounding. You can't stand so close to Samson.
TONY : Oh, man, our evidence is blown.
LORENA : Great. Now we're back where we started from.
SAM : Samson, how could you be involved in all of this?
JAKE : Maybe he isn't. Come on, I've got an idea.
LORENA : Sly, Sly, it's a scam. We can prove it!
SLY : Oh, yeah? How?
TIFFANI : Well, uh, actually, Jake's going to prove it. I don't know how...or when, but by golly,
           when he gets here, he's going to prove it.
SLY : Give me a break.
TONY : Wait, wait, wait, wait. Here. Here's proof! See...
SAM : I'd hate to see Sly lose his car. We need to stall him till Jake gets here.
AMBER : Our first models, are wearing swimsuits by Penguin Fashions. They'll get so much
         attention, they'll never want to leave the beach.
AMBER : And by the looks of it, they don't want to leave the runway either.
AMBER : Travis and Nina are keeping their cool in casual sports wear from Playclothes
         Fashions.
AMBER : Looks like we're having a little audio problem. Could someone speed up the music,
          please?
AMBER : And next, a student I'm sure has a very bright future, Sly Winkle...
AMBER : ...wearing a smashing outfit from Sharp Fashios.
TONY : Who rigged Sly's pants?
LORENA : Nobody. He's just got a big butt.
AMBER : What's that? Oh, I see... Dese here are the creeps... Oh, I mean, these are the nasty
          little terrorists responsible for sabotaging the show.
SLY : How could you do this to me?
MARK : We just wanted to stop you and everyone else from getting ripped off by this fake.
AMBER : Well, obviously they're just jealous they don't have what it takes to be models, hm?
SAMSON : They're right. Amber is a fake.
SAM : IT'S-SAMSON-IT'S-SAMSON-IT'S-SAMSON-
      IT'S-SAMSON-IT'S-SAMSON-IT'S-
SAMSON!!
Not that I noticed.
AMBER : Oh, look at the time. Got to jet...
JAKE : Amber's been using Samson's name without his permission. He doesn't endorse her
       Academy. In fact, he doesn't even know her.
SAMSON : Amber is a phony. her agency is phony. But I have something that's not phony -- a
           lawsuit.
SAM : Well, I've got something else that's not phony.
SLY : I can't believe I fell for Amber's con. I'm such a dope.
SAMSON : Hey, don't feel so bad, Sly. These people are professionals. They cheat people all
           the time.
TONY : Plus, you're a dope.
TIFFANI : Come on, Tony. Sly, it's okay that you wanted attention. We all do. You just can't let
           that need cloud your judgment.
MARK : Yeah, so you're not in the limelight, you'll always be important to us.
TIFFANI : Yeah.
SLY : Thanks, guys.
SAM : It's like I always say, not everybody can be a super-model...however, dating one is a
      different story.
SAMSON : Whoa.

-THE END-