"Yoko, Oh No!" / Tuesday - February 2, 1999

SLY : Ba-boom!
ROSIE : Bang-zoom!
SLY/ROSIE : Your manager...has signed you up for the Battle of the Bands.
SLY/ROSIE : You'll blow them all away!
SLY : Well, well, well. Rosie Belcher. So, you still think you're a band manager?
ROSIE : Yeah. You still tired of being called "ferret face"...ferret face?
SLY : Well, at least I manage a band, not some freak show.
ROSIE : Oh, please. I mean, at least Total Defiance has edge. The Dreams are sugar-coated
        fluff. You know, it makes me want to hurl.
SLY : Go ahead.
ROSIE : Sure. Give me your shoes.
TONY : Down boy! Sit! Sit!
JAKE : Hey, Flava Dave, sorry about that. I mean, we're in this for the music, right?
FLAVA DAVE : THE CALIFORNIA DREAMS
       WILL BE IN CAMPLIANCE
CAUSE THIS SATURDAY
THEY FACE TOTAL DEFIANCE
SO DITCH THE FAKE SHAKE
SHECK OUT MY NOISE
THE DREAMS ARE GOING DOWN
TO FLAVA DAVE AND HIS BOYZ
SAM : Wow! Did you just make that up?
FLAVA DAVE : Heck no! I've been working on that since last year. What, you think raps grow
                on trees or something?
LORENA : Hey, the Dreams are the defending champs because our music is great! We're going
           to destroy you!
ROSIE : "We?" Honey, you're not even in the band. They're so pathetic, they've got their little
        groupies defending them.
JAKE : Hey! Lorena's not a groupie! She just spends a lot of time with us and comes to all our
       gigs...and...
TONY : Dates the lead guitar player.
ROSIE : Come on. Let's get out of here before the mighty California Dreams sic their groupie on
         us again.
TIFFANI : We're not going to take that! Let's go practice. We'll show those losers who's better!
SLY : Hey, Lorena. Aren't you coming?
LORENA : Why would you want me there? I'm just a groupie.
JAKE : No, you're more than that. You're my inspiration.
SLY : Besides, we practice at your house. We need your keys.
SAM : I have keys.
SLY : Oh yeah. Never mind, Lorena.
JAKE : I'd really like you to come. Please.
LORENA : Well, okay. But I'm not feeling very inspirational.
ROSIE : Guess who?
MARK : Well, with that breath, it's either Rosie... or Godzilla. Please be Godzilla.
MARK : Aaah! The monster lives!
ROSIE : Ah, quit playing hard to get, monkey boy. You know you want me.
TONY : Hey, Rosie, why don't you pick on someone your onw size?
ROSIE : Yeah? Like you?
TONY : No, nuh-uh, go on back to the monkey boy.
ROSIE : Ah, I don't have time for this. I've got to go help my band pick out a song that's gonna
        turn your California Dreams into a nightmare.
SLY : That's it. Why don't you put your money where your big, glass-melting mouth is?
ROSIE : You're on. A jundred bucks says the Dreams are no match for Total Defiance!
SLY : Two hundred.
ROSIE : Three.
SLY : Four!
ROSIE : Five!!
SLY : Uh...how about one?
ROSIE : Ninety-five?
SLY : You're on!
ROSIE : Don't worry. When I win, I'm gonna show you out for a good time.
MARK : Let me explain something to you, Rosie. I don't like you, and I could never go out
        with you.
ROSIE : Ooh, he's feisty. You make me... you make me feel like a natural woman.
TIFFANI : Whoa, Sly, that's pretty flattering. You must really believe in us to bet all that
           money.
SLY : Of course I believe in you. You're not going to lose. There's no way you'll lose.
SLY : Now go practice so you don't lose.
JAKE : I'll catch up with you guys in a minute.
LORENA : Waagh!!!
JAKE : Lorena, what's wrong?
LORENA : Oh, sorry. I didn't think anyone could hear me.
JAKE : Are you okay?
LORENA : I'm fine. Why do you ask?
JAKE : Hey, I've been your boyfriend for some time now. After a while you develop a sixth
       sense about these things.
LORENA : Oh, it's so sweet that you care about me. Even though I'm just a...Groupie.
JAKE : You're not a groupie. You're great. I'd do anything for you.
LORENA : Anything? Even let me sing for the band?
JAKE : Huh?
LORENA : Oh, you're right. I should audition first.
JAKE : Gee, Lorena, I don't know, maybe you should--
LORENA : WAAGH!!!
JAKE : Two o'clock okay?
LORENA : Fine.
SAM : I had no idea Lorena wanted to sing.
JAKE : Neither did I, but what do we have to lose?
TIFFANI : Well, why not? It can't hurt to let her audition.
SLY : Hold your panty hose! How come Lorena gets to try out for the band? I've been here
      since the begining and I never got to tryout.
JAKE : She dates me. You don't. Any questions?
SLY : No. Uh... so what are you doing Saturday night?
JAKE : Shad-up!
LORENA : Okay.
JAKE : You look amazing.
LORENA : I'm really nervous.
SAM : Don't be. You're with friends.
MARK : Whenever you're ready, Lorena.
JAKE : You're going to be great. I know it.

(MUSIC CUE : "STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE"
LORENA : STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE
     BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART
BABY, BABY, I'M AWARE
OF WHERE YOU GO
EACH TIME YOU LEAVE MY DOOR
I WATCH YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET,
KNOWING YOUR OTHER LOVE YOU MEET
STOP!)

LORENA : IN THE NAME of love...
LORENA : What's wrong? I wasn't finished.
MARK : Oh...uh, you said "stop."
TIFFANI : Actually, Lorena, I think we've heard enough.
JAKE : I'll say! That was great! You're in the band!
LORENA : Really?!
GANG : Really?
TIFFANI : I can't believe Jake really wants Lorena to be in the band.
TONY : Hey, when you're in love, you don't see the other person's flaws.
SLY : Well, those lovebirds are going to kissy-face our way right out of the Battle of the
      Bands.
TIFFANI : Well, what can we do? Tell her she sings like a beached walrus with a toothache?
           Nah, that would hurt her feelings.
SLY : I got it! Jake loves her... let him hurt her feelings.
MARK : Yeah, but who's going to tell Jake? I mean, he'll hurt more than our feelings.
SLY : I'm not afraid of Jake. Let him walk in here with his leather jacket and his motorcycle.
      I'll tell him.
JAKE : Tell me what?
SLY : Tell you that... uh, Tony has something to tell you.
TONY : Oh, man...
JAKE : What?
TONY : Uh... uh... tell-tell-tell you that I uh, uh... I have this friend--
TONY : Well, he's got this problem, see? He's in a jazz band. And they're pretty good. But now
        the, uh...lead sax player wants his...girlfriend to join.
JAKE : Got that fly. So, you were saying?
TONY : Well, uh...you see, she plays the piano, alright, but, and she's not very good at all --
        but she looks hot playing it.
JAKE : Alright, well, it sounds like your friend needs to speak up. I mean, if she doesn't have
       any talent, she doesn't belong in the band, no matter whose girlfriend she is.
TONY : Great. Because that makes what Sly has to tell you even easier--
JAKE : Hey, that's weird. It's alot like us. You know, me suggesting Lorena join the band.
TIFFANI : Oh, my gosh! What a coincidence!
JAKE : Yeah, only it's not exactly the same because Lorena is talented. Funny though, huh?
SAM : We're dead.
TIFFANI : Well, we could try to teach her! I mean, anyone can learn to sing.
LORENA : DO, RE, ME, FA, SO... LA...
MARK : Hold it! Hold it! Try that one again. Just a little higher.
LORENA : LA...
MARK : Perfect!
TONY : Yeah, except that only the note has to rise. You can stay on the ground.
SAM : Now, lit's check your vibrato. Sing that note again.
LORENA : LA...
LORENA : LA-A-A-A-A-A
MARK : That's great! Perfect vibrato!
LORENA : Okay, I want to try by myself now.
LORENA : LA-A-A-A-A-A
SLY : Great! Let's just hope there's an earthquake while we're on so she looks normal.
TONY : On second thought. Why tamper with perfection?
LORENA : Perfection? Really? Oh, I can't wait until Saturday! Oh, wait... I can't sing on Saturday.
GANG : You can't?
LORENA : Well, no. Not until I get a new outfit. It's my debut. Later.
TONY : We're dead. We're so dead. We make Elvis look alive.
MARK : Here he comes.
SLY : So, what do you think?
TONY : Oh... forget it, man. She's got no talent.
JAKE : What's going on?
SLY : I got this tape from some girl who wants me to manage her and I don't know what to tell
      her.
JAKE : Well, do you want me to give it a listen?
SLY : Oh, gosh, what a great idea! Now, why didn't I think of that? Would you, Jake?
LORENA : DO RE ME FA SO LA TI DO...
JAKE : Listen Winkle, if you take on this girl, you're a bigger dillweed than I thought. She's got
       no talent. She's tone deaf. no range. She's...
LORENA : I wish Jake could hear me!
JAKE : ...She's Lorena.
TIFFANI : We taped her this morning.
JAKE : Oh, man. How could I have been so blind?! We've got to do something. Maybe we could
       teach her to sing.
SAM : Been there. Done that.
JAKE : I don't get it. She was so good in the loft.
TONY : Not really, man. It was just hard for your ears to hear when your eyes were in the land
       of goo-gah-moo.
JAKE : Why didn't you guys say something before?
TIFFANI : Sorry, Jake. We wanted to tell you. We wanted to tell her but, it's really hard to tell
           a friend they're not good at something.
SLY : Hey, you tell me all the time.
SAM : She said, "a friend."
SLY : Ah...
JAKE : What a drag. Now I have to tell Lorena she's a lousy singer. I hope she doesn't take it
       too hard.
SLY : I hope he told Lorena. I hope he told Lorena. I hope he told Lorena. I hope he told
      Lorena.
TIFFANI : Sly, how can you be so selfish? Lorena's our friend. Maybe you should be thinking
           about her feelings instead of your stupid bet.
SLY : Well, maybe she should be thinking about my stupid bet instead of her feelings.
TIFFANI : Suddenly, I have a head ache.
SLY : Hey, that's what happens to people who try to use logic with me.
SLY : Hey, did you kick her out of the band?
JAKE : Well, I couldn't tell her last night.
SLY : AAAH!
JAKE : So I told her this morning.
SLY : I win the bet! I win the bet!
JAKE : Yep. I said "Lorena, I love you, but you can't sing."
TONY : You didn't tell her, did you?
JAKE : No.
SLY : AAAH! I've got to cancel the bet!
TIFFANI : Jake, you can't not tell her. It would be cruel to let her sing and embarrass herself
          in front of all those people.
JAKE : You're right. I have to tell her. It's best.
JAKE : Lorena, can I talk to you?
LORENA : Sure. What about?
JAKE : What's wrong with your voice?
LORENA : Laryngitis.
JAKE : Really? Yes! Yes! Yes!
JAKE : That's terrible. And just before the Battle of the Bands, too.
SAM : I guess that means you won't be able to sing in today's competiton, huh?
LORENA : Sorry, I know I let you down.
TONY : We'll try and go on without you.
LORENA : I'll just cheer you guys on.
TIFFANI : Ssh... Just rest your voice.
SLY : It's okay, guys, don't worry about a thing. It wasn't easy, but I made a deal with Rosie to
      cancel the bet. So, go ahead and lose, it won't cost me a thing.
JAKE : Lorena's got laryngitis. She's not singing.
SLY : What have I done?!
ROSIE : Oh, look. There's the groupie.
ROXANNE : Ladies and gentlemen...
ROXANNE : Ladies and gentlemen...
TOXANNE : QUIET!!! Thank you. Welcome to PCH's Annual Battle of the Bands. And now our
             first band, Total Defiance.
FLAVA DAVE : You, yo, yo, yo, yo. Total Defiance is in the house! So all you beat-free, talent
                -free, buy-one-get-one-free losers can go cry to your mamas. Cause we're
                gonna serve y'all!
LORENA : You don't scare the Dreams!
JAKE : Uh, maybe you should rest your voice for a while.
FLAVA DAVE : Alright, kick that beat.
ROXANNE : And now, last year's champs : The California Dreams.

(MUSIC CUE : MONTAGE MUSIC
JAKE : HEY
 YOU FEEL LIGHTENING STRIKE
 AND YOU KNOW
 IT'S LIKE THE BLIND CAN SEE
 MY HEART HAS ALWAYS BEEN
 A LITTLE SLOW
 BUT IT JUST CAUGHT UP WITH ME
 I NEVER THOUGHT OF YOU THIS WAY
MARK/JAKE : IT COULD BE MAGIC
JAKE : SO DON'T WALK AWAY
MARK/JAKE : LET'S SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER
JAKE : THAT'S SOMETHING I THINK WE'VE GOT
 TO DO
MARK/JAKE : LET'S SEE IF IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER
JAKE : TO KNOW
 I NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU
 LET'S TAKE IT AS FAR AS IT CAN GO
 IF WE DON'T TAKE THE TIME
 WE'LL NEVER KNOW
MARK/JAKE : LET'S SPEND SOME TIME TOGETHER
JAKE : THAT'S SOMETHING I THINK THAT
 WE'VE GOT TO DO
MARK/JAKE : SEE IF IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER
JAKE : TO KNOW
 I NEED TO SPEND TIME
 WITH YOU
 FOREVER
 SPEND SOME TIME
 SOME TIME
 SOME TIME)

ROXANNE : And the winner of this year's Battle of the Bands is... the California Dreams!
LORENA : I knew you guys could do it!
JAKE : Your voice is back!
LORENA : No, it isn't.
JAKE : You never had laryngitis, did you?
LORENA : No. I knew you guys thought I stunk. I thought that this way it would be easier on
          everybody.
JAKE : Yeah, but it wasn't easy on you. I should have told you. But at first I didn't even know
       you stunk... err, that didn't come out right.
LORENA : Actually, it's kind of flattering to know you all care about me so much that you didn't
           want to hurt my feelings.
TIFFANI : Thanks for letting us off the hook, Lorena, but we were still wrong. We should have
           been honest from the start.
LORENA : I just wish I could be more than a groupie.
JAKE : You are. So you can't sing. Big deal. You've got lots of have other talent. You'll find
       what you're good at.
ROSIE : Alright, buhbie, pay up.
MARK : Wait a minute. I thought you canceled the bet?
SLY : I did. But the only way Rosie'd go for it was for me to promise her a date...with you.
MARK : Me? Her? No!
ROSIE : Oh, yeah, monkeyboy. And let's start off with a smooch.

-THE END-