"Daddy's Girl" / Thursday - February 4, 1999

SLY : Hey, Mark. You know that computer program you have? The one that sets you up with
      girls?
MARK : Yeah?
SLY : IT STINKS!!
MARK : Well, Sly, it only works if you're honest.
LORENA : "Sylvester Winkle: six-foot-two, Olympic athlete... known on three continents as the
           babe master?"
TIFFANI : Hi, dad! I'm over here!
MARK : Whoa, Mr. Smith, it's nice to finally meet you. I'm Mark Winkle--Sly's cousin.
MR. SMITH : My sincere condolences.
MARK : So, do you always dress so... causal for a day at the office?
MR. SMITH : Well, my office is the Pacific Ocean. I'm a marine biologist.
SLY : Yeah, he's one of those guys who sits around trying to figure out what dolphins mean
      when they say, "Eeeeeee eeeeee."
MR. SMITH : Sly, if a dolphin said that to me, I'd wash his blow hole out with soap.
TIFFANI : Dad, I got your dinner for you. It's your favorite: Grilled mahi-mahi with peanut
           butter.
TIFFANI : Are you sure you can't stay and eat with us?
MR. SMITH : I do have to get back to work. But don't forget--you and I are going surfing this
              weekend.
TIFFANI : Cool. I can't wait.
TONY : Hey, you and your dad spend a lot of time together, huh?
TIFFANI : Yeah, I love my dad. But sometimes I worry that he's lonely.
LORENA : Well, maybe you could fix him up.
JAKE : What? You think the perfect woman is going to come waltzing right through that door?
ARIEL : I'd like some grilled mahi-mahi--with peanut butter please.
JAKE : Well, she wasn't waltzing.
TIFFANI : Mark, rev up that compatibility program. I'll get all her vital statistics.
SAM : What are you going to do, walk over and say, "Hi, are you single?"
TIFFANI : Please, give me some credit. I'll be more subtle than that. Hi, are you married?
TIFFANI : Her name is Ariel and she's perfect for my dad. She's a marine biologist, she surfs...
           heck, even Mark's computer says they're perfect!
SAM : Give me a break. There's no way a stupid bunch of microchips can predict the "thump
       factor."
TIFFANI : The "thump factor?"
SAM : How hard your heart thumps when "Mr. Fabulous" walks into the room.
LORENA : I know what you mean. We don't need a compatibility test to tell us we're perfect for
           each other.
MARK : Hey, guys. I did your compatibility tests.
SLY : Ahem... Jake and Lorena. According to this, you are totally wrong for each other. You
      have nothing in common.
LORENA : What?
JAKE : What are you talking about?
TONY : Uh, well, uh... what about me and Sam? Are we compatible?
SLY : Well, you two make them two look like Romeo and Juliet.
TIFFANI : Well, computer or not, I've got to figure out how to get my dad and Ariel together.
           He hates being set-up.
LORENA : So invite him to Sharkey's at the same time she stops in for lunch, and let the
           thump factor do the rest.
TIFFANI : Oh, that's perfect.
TONY : Hey, now, just be sure not to mention humpback whales, He'll bore the poor woman to
        death.
TIFFANI : Where's Ariel? I can't stall him all afternoon.
SAM : She'll be here any second.
MARK : Hey!
TIFFANI : I got you dessert. Take your time.
MR. SMITH : Thanks, sweetie. But uh, why don't you eat it? I should get back to work.
LORENA : Don't go! There's a traffic jam!
MR. SMITH : No problem. I rode my bicycle.
SLY : Well, that's where the traffic jam is, on the bike path.
SAM : Oh, yeah! There was a horrible paper boy accident! There were paper cuts everywhere.
TONY : Yeah, uh... Oh, the humanity.
MR. SMITH : No problem. I'll just take a surface street. I'll see you tonight, hon.
JAKE : Humpback!
MR. SMITH : Did somebody say "humpback?"
JAKE : Uh, yeah, we were talking about humpback whales for a, a... science report.
MR. SMITH : Really? Well, I can tell you a few things...
JAKE : Uh, well, actually, it's... Sly's report.
SLY : Uh, but I need it for... Tony.
MR. SMITH : Tony, I'm glad you came to me, Did you know that the humpback whale's jaw
              expands to strain food?
TONY : Why, I had no idea.
MR. SMITH : You know most people think that whales survive on plankton, but they really
              survive on krill, very tiny sea creatures...
TIFFANI : Dad, I think Tony has work to do.
TONY : Yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yes, I do. Lots of work.
MR. SMITH : Oh, hey, no problem. I'll just tell you while you work. You know the humpback
              actually sings. I've got a CD you could borrow.
TONY : Oh, really? Now what's that? "Shamu Unplugged?"
MR. SMITH : Very funny, Tony. Shamu was a killer whale. I'm talking about humpback whales.
TIFFANI : We've got to shut him up or he'll never notice her.
ARIEL : Excuse me, are you talking about humpback whales?
TIFFANI : Oh, no she's going to think he's a total nerd.
MR. SMITH : Actually, I was. Are you familiar with them?
ARIEL : Oh, there is nothing more spectacular than a humpback leaping clear of the water and
         then crashing into the waves.
MR. SMITH : Paul Smith.
ARIEL : Hi, I'm Ariel Lang.
TIFFANI : "Thump."
TIFFANI : Hi, Sam. What's up?
SAM : Oh, just passing by, thought I'd drop in. So, how's it going with your dad and Ariel?
TIFFANI : Great! But he's spending so much time with her, I'm starting to miss him.
SAM : Yeah, yeah, enough chit-chat. Let's talk about Tony. Ever since Mark's computer said we
       weren't compatible, we fight about everything.
TIFFANI : Sorry, Sam, not tonight. Dad and I always watch Monday Night Football together.
SAM : Football? I'm out of here.
TIFFANI : Hello? Oh, hi, Lorena... no, I'm staying home with my dad tonight. No, we didn't go
           surfing, he was with Ariel. No, I don't think Jake's a dillweed. Okay, see ya. It must
           be Tony of Jake.
TONY : Man, Tiff, I desperately need to talk about Sam. Have you got a sec?
TIFFANI : Sure, Tony, come on in. My dad's about to show his humpback slides.
TONY : Oh, my. Would you look at the time. I'll see you tomorrow.
TIFFANI : Oh, man! Look, Jake, I can't talk. I'm sorry that you and Lorena are... Oh, hi Ariel.
           I'll get him. Dad! Phone!
MR. SMITH : Hello... Hi, I was just getting ready. No problem. I'll pick you up in say --
              fifteen minutes? Great. Should I wear the tie with blue whale or finback?
TIFFANI : You're going out?
MR. SMITH : Uh-huh. Ariel's going to take me to a restaurant that... It's football night. TIFFANI : You forgot.
MR. SMITH : I'm sorry, honey. I'll make it up to you. I promise.
TIFFANI : Okay.
MR. SMITH : Great.
TIFFANI : The blue one.
MR. SMITH : Thanks, honey.
SLY : Hey, cuz.
MARK : Hey.
TIFFANI : Hey, Mark, can you find things out about people on your computer?
MARK : What kind of things?
TIFFANI : Oh, anything. I want you to dig up everything you can about Ariel Lang.
SAM : Tiff? What's going on?
TIFFANI : Ariel is driving me nuts!
TIFFANI : She treats my dad like a little kid. "Oh, Pauley, you're so funny." "Oh, Pauley, you're
           so smart."
TIFFANI : His name is Paul! PAUL!
TONY : I, uh, pity the poor tomato that gets between you and your dad during the Superbowl.
TIFFANI : It's more than football, Tony. Last night she cooked for him. With salt.
SLY : Oh, no! Not salt! Aagh!!
JAKE : Don't you think you're overreacting just a teeny-weeny bit?
SAM : Come on, Tiff. Jake's right, your dad's just in love and having fun. Give him a break.
TONY : Oh, right, just let this sea-surfing-salt-eating-home-wrecking-Mrs.-Smith-wannabe
        move right in and just take her dad away.
LORENA : Yeah, it's just been Tiff and her dad all these years. And all of a sudden a stranger
           barges in and sucks up all his time.
JAKE : Now hold on, a week ago she was trying to fix these two up, and now she's jealous.
LORENA : Jake Sommers, you disagree with everything I say.
JAKE : No, I don't!
LORENA : You make me crazy!
TONY : Well, not as crazy as Sam makes me.
SAM : Oh, yeah? Well, when I'm with you, I want to go...
TONY : Oh, yeah?
SAM : Yeah!
SLY : You know what, cuz? I think your computer's right. They are not compatible at all.
TIFFANI : Well, I wish my dad and Ariel had that problem.
TIFFANI : Oh, great, "The Little Mermaid." I hope you never get your voice back, fish girl.
TIFFANI : Hello?! Is anybody here?! Let me in! Hello?
TIFFANI : Sly?
SLYGOR : Pleath, I prefer "Thlygor." I'th much thcarier. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
TIFFANI : Why are you a hunchback?
SLYGOR : Don't be thdupid. I'm not a hunchback. I'm a humpback. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
ARIEL : Slygor! Who is that?!
TIFFANI : Ariel?!
ARIEL : I prefer Dr. Arielstein.
TIFFANI : What is going on here?
SLYGOR : Rub my hump and I'll tell you.
SLYGOR : Mmmm... We're doing mad thientith thtuff.
TIFFANI : Daddy!
ARIEL : Your father is about to have his brain transferred to the body of a fish!
TIFFANI : I knew there was something wrong with you! It's bad enough you take up all his
           time. I won't let you do this to my father!
MR. SMITH : No problem, honey. As a shark, I'll never sleep. I'll have even more time for
              Ariel.
ARIEL : You know it, Pauley.
TIFFANI : Oh, it's Paul! And let him go, you creepy Frankenstein-wannabe!
TIFFANI : Please stop! Don't do this! I need him! Don't turn him into sushi!!
TIFFANI : Oh, Dad? Daddy? Are you alright?
MR. SMITH : I'm up here, hon.
TIFFANI : Give me back my father! Help!
SLY : Tiff, come on, wake up.
TIFFANI : Sly... Sly...
SLY : What can I say? All the girls dream about me.
TIFFANI : Get away from me, you creepy humpback!
SLY : Hm, must be some other Sly.
TIFFANI : I'm sorry, guys. I was having a nightmare about Ariel.
MARK : That's what we wanted to talk to you about.
SLY : Yeah, we did some snooping around and we found out everything we could about her.
TIFFANI : Oh, yeah, what did you find?
MARK : Well, she has allergies.
SLY : And a police record.
TIFFANI : That's it! I knew it! Wait til my dad hears this!
SLY : Wait, Tiff! We didn't finish.
MARK : Yeah, come on...
SLY : Tif...
TIFFANI : Dad! I have to show you something!
MR. SMITH : What?
ARIEL : Is something wrong?
TIFFANI : Don't talk to me. You crook, you felon, you... loosie-goosie.
ARIEL : What?!
TIFFANI : Oh, drop the act, sister. I have the proof right here! This is your police record!
TIFFANI : In fact, she has not one, but two... parking tickets? And she hasn't paid either of
           them!
MR. SMITH : Tiffani, what's going on?
MR. SMITH : Hi.
TIFFANI : Hi.
MR. SMITH : Where've you been?
TIFFANI : Out. Walking. Look, Dad, I'm sorry, I went a little crazy.
MR. SMITH : No, a "little crazy" is your Uncle George.
TIFFANI : Uncle George? I don't have an Uncle George.
MR. SMITH : Well, you know what I mean, your Aunt Gladys who thinks she's your Uncle
              George.
MR. SMITH : Look, Tiffani, I'll be honest with you. I'm not real happy about the little stunt you
              pulled. I always thought when one of us had a problem we could talk about it.
TIFFANI : I'm sorry. I was just so upset. You spend so much time with her, I never see you
           anymore...
MR. SMITH : Well, it's going to stop. Ariel suggested we not see each other anymore and I... I
              agreed.
TIFFANI : Really? She wanted to break up?
MR. SMITH : Well, after you left, we talked and she doesn't want to come between us.
TIFFANI : And you're okay with that?
MR. SMITH : Well, I'm not crazy about losing her... But, since your mother left, I've tried to be
              both mom and dad. It hasn't been easy, but I never wanted you to miss out on
              anything because you only had one parent.
TIFFANI : I didn't. You're the best.
MR. SMITH : You are more important to me than anything. Besides, it won't be long before you
              go to college... And, well, maybe then will be a better time for me to find a
              relationship.
MR. SMITH : Come on, I've got a quart of strawberry ice cream in the kitchen.
TIFFANI : That sounds great.
JAKE : Hey, Tif. What's up?
TIFFANI : Well, my dad and Ariel split up.
SAM : They split up, too?
TONY : Well, no big deal. He'll get over it... eventually.
LORENA : But I'll bet he's miserable right now.
TIFFANI : Well, he sure seems better than you guys. What happened? Who started this?
TIFFANI : Hi. I just want you to know that I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and
           my dad. I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
ARIEL : He really loves you, you know.
TIFFANI : Yeah. I know.
ARIEL : You two have something very special. I just don't think there's room for me, too.
TIFFANI : Well, I'm sure you'll both find someone else.
ARIEL : I hope so. I really thought your dad and I might be it. That special spark is so hard to
        come by.
TIFFANI : The thump factor.
ARIEL : Sometimes even "the thump factor" isn't enough.
ARIEL : Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering, I paid those parking tickets this morning,
        so I could leave town with a clear conscience.
TIFFANI : You're leaving?
ARIEL : I follow the dolphins. They're heading south, so is my boat.
MARK : Hey, guys! I figured it out. This time I know who you're really compatible with!
JAKE : We already know.
TONY : Yeah, keep your computer, Mark. We'll handle this ourselves.
SAM : Thump, thump, baby.
LORENA : From now on, no one but you and me decides what's best.
TIFFANI : Oh, no. I think I made a big mistake.
TIFFANI : Good evening, everybody. I would like to dedicate this first song to the most
           important guy in my life. My dad.

(MUSIC CUE : "EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD ONTO"
TIFFANI : IT'S MY MISTAKE AND I ADMIT IT
SOMETIMES I HOLD YOU MUCH TOO CLOSE
LOVE YOU SO MUCH I JUST CAN'T QUIT IT
DON'T EVEN ASK ME TO
DON'T EVEN ASK ME TO
JAKE/TIFFANI : DON'T EVEN ASK ME TO LET GO...
EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD ON TO
EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD
TIFFANI : WHEN YOU NEED STRENGTH
JAKE/TIFFANI : I'LL BE A ROCK FOR YOU
TIFFANI : WHEN YOU NEED SWEET AND SOFT
I'LL BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL...
JAKE/TIFFANI : EVERYDAY I BELIEVE IT
TIFFANI : JUST BECAUSE
JAKE/TIFFANI : IN YOU I HAVE SEEN IT
THE MIRACLE OF LOVE... OF LOVE...
JAKE/TIFFANI : EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE TO HOLD ON TO
EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD
TIFFANI : WHEN YOU NEED STRENGTH
JAKE/TIFFANI : I'LL BE A ROCK FOR YOU
TIFFANI : WHEN YOU NEED SWEET AND SOFT
I'LL BE YOUR LITTLE GIRL...
JAKE : EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE)

TIFFANI : I'm sorry, dad. I was being selfish. You guys are a perfect match and you should
           have the chance to try to make it work--just the two of you.
MR. SMITH : Just the three of us.

-THE END-