¡°Harley and the Marlboro Man¡±/ Thursday - February 4, 1999

SLY : Baboom!
JAKE : Don't you ever knock?
SLY : Who would let me in?
SLY : Check it out, Jake. I'm going to make a fortune on the beach with my new metal detector.
JAKE : If you don't knock it off, you'll be using that to detect the metal plate in your head.
SLY : I don't have a metal plate in my head.
LORENA : How about a little break, Jake? It's a perfect day for the beach.
JAKE : Sorry, Lorena, no can do. The Pacific Coast Bike Show is coming up. And I plan to win
        this year.
TIFFANI : Win, win, win, win, win. That's what's wrong with the world today. All anyone cares
           about is winning.
JAKE : You know, Tiff? You're right. And that's exactly what I plan to say to those losers when
       I rub my first place trophy in their faces.
JAKE : And to be sure I win, my Uncle Frank just rode in. He's going to help me with my bike
       the next couple of weeks.
TIFFANI : Uncle Frank? The Uncle Frank? The man who taught you all there is to know about
           being cool?
JAKE : That's the one. He gave me my first motorcycle ride, helped me pick my first Harley,
        even bought me my first leather jacket. Check it out.
TONY : Oh, I can just picture that. Little Jake toddling into kindergarten with his leather jacket,
        going: "Jakey Sommers doesn't do nap time!"
UNCLE FRANK : You kept that all these years?
JAKE : Hey, I keep everything you give me.
UNCLE FRANK : Hey, little Jakey.
JAKE : Hey, guys, to meet my Uncle Frank.
LORENA : Wow, it's amazing. He even looks like you.
UNCLE FRANK : Not really, not really, I'm better looking. Ho!
UNCLE FRANK : Let me take a shot at this. You must be Lorena. Jake was right, you are
                  beautiful.
LORENA : He even has good taste like you.
JAKE : Look, you guys better take off now. Uncle Frank and I have a lot of work to do.
MARK : Hey, it's cool. We'll catch up to you later.
UNCLE FRANK : Nice work, kid. Looking good.
JAKE : Hey, I learned from the best.
UNCLE FRANK : Hey, that's true, that's true. With a little tinkering and you may have a shot at
                  that trophy.
JAKE : Hey, you okay?
UNCLE FRANK : It's just a cold. I gotta stop riding my bike around in my undies.
JAKE : I love it. My bike, my Uncle Frank... it doesn't get any better than this.
JAKE : Uh, mind if I bum one?
UNCLE FRANK : Sure. When did you start smoking?
JAKE : You kidding? I've been smoking for years.
JAKE : Not my brand.
TIFFANI : Five-hundred dollars. I can't believe we actually found five-hundred dollars.
SLY : Well, technically, it's mine since it was found with my metal detector.
LORENA : Technically, it's ours since we found the box when we buried you and your annoying
           metal detector in the sand.
SLY : Oh yeah? Well, technically... I want it!
MARK : Hold it. Obviously the money belongs to somebody else. I say we put up some flyers
        and whoever can identify the box, it's his.
WAITRESS : Sorry, Jake, you can't smoke in here.
JAKE : Oh, right.
LORENA : Jake, what were you doing with a cigarette?
JAKE : I don't know... smoking? Oh, come on. Like you guys never once tried a cigarette.
SLY : I did. When I was twelve at summer camp. Some guys snuck behind the cabin and they
      offered me one, so I tried it.
LORENA : That's terrible, Sly. You gave in to peer pressure.
SLY : Hey, it wasn't peer pressure. I just wanted to fit in.
SAM : I have to admit I tried one once, too. Back in China. Oh, come on, I was curious. My
      mother used to be a smoker, so one day I sort of "borrowed" one.
TIFFANI : Did you like it?
SAM : I don't know. I was too busy throwing up?
JAKE : There. Sly and Sam both tried them and it was no big deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
        have to get some burgers for Uncle Frank and me.
UNCLE FRANK : Listen, Jakey, we've been cranking since seven. Uncle Frank's gonna watch
                  some tube. Take his mind off bikes for a while.
JAKE : No problem. What's on?
UNCLE FRANK : Motocross.
LORENA : Okay, stranger. Since you've been so busy working on your bike, I decided to come
           over and help you.
JAKE : Wait a minute. You're wearing grubby clothes and want to work on a motorcycle... Okay,
        who are you and what have you done with Lorena?
LORENA : Jake Sommers, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I don't know how to use tools.
JAKE : You're right--I'm sorry. Can I see the monkey wrench?
LORENA : So that's what this is called.
LORENA : Wow, your bike looks great.
JAKE : Yeah. Uncle Frank showed me how to improve the engine timing and the fork's
        performance. He's basically teaching me all I need to know to win.
LORENA : Looks like he's teaching you to be a chimney, too.
JAKE : Hey, come on, Lorena. Take it easy.
LORENA : Take it easy? Read the label, Jake. "Surgeon General's Warning: Smoking causes lung
           cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and may complicate pregnancy." Well, you can
           forget that last one, but the others...
JAKE : Okay, I hear you, Lorena. I promise I'll stop as soon as the bike's ready for the snow.
       You have my word.
LORENA : Well...okay.
LORENA : Well, it's almost been a week and nobody's claimed the money. Maybe Sly was right
           --we should just divvy it up.
TONY : Maybe Sly scared sway the real owner.
TIFFANI : Tony, Sly may be sleazy, but he'd never try to take what isn't rightfully his.
OLD LADY : Oh, thank heavens! You kiddies found my money.
TONY : Guess again.
OLD LADY : Well, what are you waiting for? Give me the box. I'm late for bingo.
SAM : Not so fast, lady. How do we know it's really yours?
OLD LADY : You found it in the sand. You see, my husband, Stanley, did it. He sometimes
             thinks he's a dog and buries things. Ta-ta.
TONY : Hold it, Sylvester. We know it's you.
OLD LADY : I'm not Sylvester! I'm Edna!
SLY : Hey, for five-hundred bucks, I'd wear panty-hose.
TONY : You are wearing panty-hose.
SLY : Ha! Shows what you know, these are support hose.
TIFFANI : You knwo, Sly, your little trick made me think. I couldn't keep the money knowing it
           might really belong to some old lady. We should give it to charity.
SAM : Great idea, Tiff. We'll let Mark hold it until we pick the best cause.
JAKE : Great news, guys. Uncle Frank and I finished the bike and it looks hot. I think I'm
        actually going to win a trophy.
LORENA : Oh, Jake, I'm so proud of you... Eww! You taste like an ashtray! You promised me
           you'd stop smoking after you finished the bike.
JAKE : So? I figured the bike show is only two days from now. I'll quit then.
LORENA : I don't believe it. You can't stop.
JAKE : That's ridiculous. I can stop anytime I want.
LORENA : Fine. Then prove it. Give me your cigarettes.
JAKE : Fine! No problem. Aw, forget this! I don't have to prove anything to you. If I say I can
       stop, I can stop.
LORENA : What are we going to do? He's really hurting himself with those things.
SAM : I don't know, Jake's pretty stubborn. I think the only way to get through to him is with
      "tough love."
GANG : Oprah?
SAM : Rikki Lake. It's simple. We make him choose between us and smoking. He'll realize we're
      more important and quit.
SAM : This'll work. I quarantee it.
JAKE : Yo, Lorena, where can I dump this?
SAM : Anywhere but here, Jake. We don't want your smelly cigarette butts.
TIFFANI : Yeah, and as long as you smoke, we don't want to rehearse with you anymore.
TONY : That's right.
MARK : Or hang out with you anymore.
TONY : That's right.
LORENA : Or kiss you anymore.
TONY : That's... that's, that's really her call, not mine.
JAKE : Oh, come on, guys. Give me a break, Smoking relaxes me. I like it.
SAM : Fine. Just relax away from us. Come on, guys.
SLY : Ah, there you are. My favorite cousin, my--
MARK : Forget it, Sly. You're not getting the money.
SLY : Come on, Mark. You know the band Counting Toes?
MARK : "Counting Toes?" Yeah, I just bought their new album: "This Little Piggu."
SLY : Well, they're playing at the Forum tonight and I know a guy who'll give me t-shirts for
      only five bucks. I can turn around and sell them for ten easy.
MARK : Boy, Sly, you've really thought this out.
SLY : Yeah, we just have to come up with a cool design and we double our money. Piece of
      cake.
MARK : Well, okay, I'm in.
SLY : Alright! You're finally a real Winkle.
TIFFANI : Everybody, get ready. Jake just pulled into the parking lot.
SAM : Right, so keep up the tough love. I have a feeling he's about to crack.
JAKE : Alright, guys, you win. I quit.
SAM : Man, I'm good.
TONY : No, not so fast. How do we know he's telling the truth this time?
JAKE : Because I learned my lesson.
JAKE : No, really. Smell me. No, I'm serious. Check it out, Lorena. Kiss me.
LORENA : Hmmm... nice breath... nice cologne... Nice try!
JAKE : But...
LORENA : No "buts" Jake. You can't hide your smoking with Tic Tacs and Old Spice. Don't you
           get it? It's not about how you smell. It's about your health.
JAKE : Aaaargh! I know!
LORENA : Don't you use that tone with me, mister. I... Wait, "Aaaargh! I know?"
JAKE : You were right. I just can't stop smoking. I need your help.
LORENA : Okay, Jake. We picked up some helpful information. Maybe if you hear the awful
           truth, it'll help make you quit.
TIFFANI : Right, so listen up. According to the American Heart Association : "Nicotine, found in
           tobacco products, is more addictive than crack or alcohol. Nine out of ten who
           experiment with it become addicted."
SLY : Booooring! That is not going to help Jake quit. Nobody is interested in a bunch of dry
      facts.
JAKE : Sly is right. I need more than facts to kick this thing.
SAM : We're way ahead of you, Jake. We also have a video about the effects of cigarettes. It's
      so upsetting, you'll never want to smoke again.

ANNOUNCER : THE CANCER APPEARS AS A LARGE
   GRAYISH-WHITE MASS IN THE UPPER
     PORTION OF THE LUNG.
   MANY LUNG CANCERS APPEAR AT THE
   ANGLE WHERE THE WINDPIPE BRANCHES
   INTO THE LUNG. THIS IS WHERE A HIGH
   CONCENTRATION OF TAR FROM THE
   CIGARETTE SMOKE ACCUMULATES AND IN
   SOME SMOKERS CAUSE CANCER.

SAM : Well, Jake, how do you feel now?
JAKE : Pretty upset.
JAKE : So upset that I need a smoke.
SLY : Alright, enough with the namby pamby approach. I say the only way to quit is cold
      turkey.
TONY : That's right. So, starting now, no more cigarettes.
JAKE : No problem.
TONY : That's better. Now, how do you feel?
JAKE : Fine. Fine. This'll be easy.
JAKE : Okay, okay, so it isn't that easy! Give me those cigarettes.
LORENA : Jake! Jake! Jake! Get a hold of yourself! Good, okay. Now, I have another idea that'll
           be a lot more pleasant.
JAKE : Pleasant? Pleasant?! Jamming a chop stick up my nose would be more pleasant than
       this!!!
LORENA : Okay. Now don't panic. It says in that pamphlet that when the urge gets real bad,
           you should use chewing gum as a substitutel.
JAKE : Gum, huh?
LORENA : Hang in there, Jake, you're doing great.
JAKE : Ah munh ah meegeresh.
LORENA : What?
JAKE : Ah munh ah meegeresh!
LORENA : What did he say?
SAM : He said: "Ah munh ah meegeresh!"
MARK : I think he asked for sugarless.
JAKE : Mo! I said: I WANT A CIGARETTE!
SAM : Nope, you definitely said : "Ah munh ah meegeresh."
LORENA : Jake, Jake, you have to keep trying.
JAKE : No, you keep trying. I can't take this.
SAM : But, Jake...
JAKE : Look, I appreciate your help, okay, but I'm just not ready to quit yet. The bike show is
       tomorrow. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on some finishing touches.
JAKE : Oh, yeah.
JAKE : Hey, check it out, Uncle Frank! Jake Sommers doesn't do second place... He does first!
UNCLE FRANK : That's great, Jake. I'm, uh, really glad to hear it.
JAKE : "Glad to hear it?" Where were you anyway, man?
UNCLE FRANK : I really wish I could have been there, kid, but...something came up.
JAKE : More important than this?
UNCLE FRANK : Yeah. Hey, look, I woke up, this morning I coughed up a little blood.
JAKE : What?
UNCLE FRANK : I got a little freaked out myself. So, I went to a doctor. My first check up in
                  twenty years. You know, they still keep those stethoscopes really cold. Ho.
JAKE : Ha-ha. Very funny. What'd he say?
UNCLE FRANK : Well, he took some stupid x-rays. Said it ah... looks like it's lung cancer.
JAKE : Wait a minute. You're kidding, right? You gotta be kidding.
JAKE : Oh, man.
UNCLE FRANK : He said it's already spread a lot. I'm dying, Jake.
UNCLE FRANK : Look, I, uh... I've got some phone calls I gotta make. I'll see you around.
JAKE : No!
SLY : There he is. My favorite cousin.
MARK : Oh, no! You lost the money?! How?! How?!
SLY : I don't know. I thought my design was a sure thing.
MARK : Have you lost your mind?!! The gang's gonna kill us!!!
SLY : Correction. Kill you. Me, they expect this from. You, you should have know better.
MARK : Aaaah! You're right! I'm dead!
SLY : Relax. I'll come up with something before the gang decides on a charity.
TIFFANI : Hey, we found a charity.
SLY : Sorry, guys. Mark and I blew the dough in a stupid business idea.
TIFFANI/LORENA/TONY/SAM : Mark!
SLY : I told you you should've known better.
LORENA : Jake, what's wrong?
JAKE : Uncle Frank has lung cancer...
JAKE : He's dying.
LORENA : Oh, Jake.
JAKE : And you don't have to worry about me smoking anymore. I threw those stupid things
       away.
SLY : You know, Mark and I may have lost the charity money, but there still might just be a
      way to make it up.
LORENA : This is great! Sly says we'll easily make more money than we found on the beach.
JAKE : Thanks, guys. I told Uncle Frank all the money's going to cancer research.
TIFFANI : What did he say?
JAKE : Play one for me. Ho.
MARK : Well, let's do it then. One, two, three, four...

(MUSIC CUE : "TOUGH LOVE"
JAKE : I SEE YA WANNA CHANGE ME
 YEAHHHH IT'S FOR MY OWN GOOD
 IF IT'S TRUE THAT YA LOVE ME
 DON'T LET ME BE MISUNDERSTOOD
JAKE/MARK : GOTTA TAKE ME AS I AM
  EVEN WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE
ALL : TOUGH LOVE
JAKE : NOBODY'S PERFECT
MARK/JAKE : SOMETIMES IT HURTS
ALL : TOUGH LOVE
JAKE : BUT LIVIN WITHOUT IT
MARK/JAKE : WOULD BE SO MUCH WORSE
  OH IT'S GOING TO BE ALRIGHT
  NO NO NEED TO FIGHT
  AS LONG AS WE UNDERSTAND
  THE MISTAKES COME WITH THE MAN
ALL : TOUGH LOVE
JAKE : NOBODY'S PERFECT
JAKE/MARK : SOMETIMES IT HURTS
ALL : TOUGH LOVE
JAKE : BUT LIVING WITHOUT IT
JAKE/MARK : WOULD BE SO MUCH WORSE
ALL : TOUGH LOVE
JAKE : NOBODY'S PERFECT
JAKE/MARK : SOMETIMES IT HURTS
ALL : TOUGH LOVE
JAKE : BUT LIVING WITHOUT IT
JAKE/MARK : WOULD BE SO MUCH WORSE
JAKE : TOUGH LOVE YEAH
 TOUGH LOVE)

-THE END-