¡°Rebel Without a Nerve¡±/ Friday - February 5, 1999

SLY : Waaaaait! I really am an Olympic skater!
TONY : Halt, in the name of the Safety Patrol!
SLY : Don't tell me, tell my feet!
BLUMFORD : Be careful, Winkle. PCH is about to go one-thousand days without an injury on
              school property. You know what that means?
SLY : That you care about my safety?
BLUMFORD : No. That we can make the "Guggenheim Book of World Records."
TONY : That's right, and I'm just the man to help us get there.
SAM : Oh, Tony, you're so strong, so macho, I love a man in uniform.
TONY : You should see me in my Cub Scout outfit.
LORENA : Wow, Tony. I didn't know you had such school spirit.
TONY : I don't. But if we set the record, I get my picture in the book of world records. Right
        next to that woman that held her breath under water for five hours. May she rest in
        peace.
BLUMFORD : No, students. This is big. That's why I'm looking for another Safety Monitor.
             Someone with heart. Someone the other kids will listen to. You know -- the
             coolest guy in school?
SLY : No can do, Principal Blumford. I'm a little busy.
BLUMFORD : Not you, Winkle. I meant Sommers.
JAKE : Sorry, Principal Blumford. Jake Sommers doesn't do Nerd Patrol.
SLY : Yeah, there's no way we'd do that. So you can beg all you want.
MARIA : Which Safety Monitor is going to teach C.P.R. to the cheerleaders?
SLY : Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
BLUMFORD : Now, why would I do that?
SLY : Because if you don't, I'll follow you around all day long going : Pick me! Pick me! Pick
      me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!--
BLUMFORD : Okay, okay, okay. Let's go get you a sash and whistle.
TIFFANI : Jake! Jake, we've got to talk!
TONY : Slow down!
TIFFANI : Okay. Jake! Jake, we've got to--
TONY : You see? That's the trouble with you young people today. No respect for the law.
MARK : Jake, there's this new kid, Tommy Keating, and he's down at Sharkey's bad-mouthing
        you.
TIFFANI : Yeah, but I stood up for you. I told him "sticks and stones may break Jake's bones,
           but names will never hurt him."
JAKE : Thanks, Tiff, I'm sure he ran home crying. But, hey, I get it all the time, you know?
       Some guys tries to knock my rep to get a rep. It's just hot air.
MARK : How can you be so calm? It really ticked me off. He was going around saying he's
        much cooler and tougher than you.
JAKE : Well, did you say something to him?
MARK : No, way, he was much cooler and tougher than me.
TIFFANI : I don't believe this Keating guy. All he does is go around knocking Jake.
LORENA : Yeah, Jake, aren't you worried? Any guy with the nerve to trash you must be really
           tough.
JAKE : Nah, he's just another stupid, dorky, dog-face looking to knock me off my bike.
MARK : Uh, Jake, Tommy's not stupid. He aced Mr. Nichol's biology quiz.
SAM : Yeah, and no way he's a dork. He looks pretty cool.
TIFFANI : Trust me, he's no dog-face. I mean, if you go for that really hot type.
JAKE : Hey, whose side you guys on?
TONY : Safety violation! Safety violation!
TIFFANI : Yeah, stacks of newspapers are a real fire hazard.
TONY : No, not that. It's a thousand paper-cuts waiting to happen.
MARK : Come on, Tony. We're not even in school. Don't you think you're going a little
        overboard with this safety stuff?
TIFFANI : Whoa, it's Tommy Keating.
SLY : Whoo!
TOMMY : So, finally I'm face-to-face with the big, bad Jake Sommers.
JAKE : Oh, this is a special moment for me, too. I just wish I had a camera so I could've
        captured this Kodak moment.
LORENA : Sly, how could you show a sleazoid like Tommy where Jake lives?
SLY : Hey, he is not a sleazoid. He paid me ten bucks.
JAKE : Let me guess, tough guy. This is where you challenge me to a motorcycle race. Right?
TOMMY : You know it, man.
JAKE : And if I say "no" you'll go around school telling everyone I'm a chicken.
TOMMY : You got it, pal.
JAKE : And I bet you want to race after school tomorrow.
TOMMY : No, make it sunset. I'm terrorizing the chess club after school.
JAKE : Oh, you're on.
TONY : Yo, Jake. Get real, man. You can't race.
TIFFANI : Tony's right. You don't have to prove anything to this guy.
TONY : Not to mention a race would violate the spirit of safety week.
BLUMFORD : Alrighty, kids. So far, so safe. Now listen up, we're going to do an earthquake
              drill.
SAM : Don't you just get chills everytime he blows that whistle?
LORENA : Get a life, Sam.
BLUMFORD : Now just pretend you're studying and then suddenly...rumble, rumble, rumble. The
              building starts shakin--
TONY : Uh, Mr. Blumford, as uh, one of your men who will lead these poor souls to safety,
        what happens if the door jams and then we get trapped in here with the ceiling just
        caving in on our heads?
BLUMFORD : Relax, Wicks. It's only a drill. No door is going to jam. Now, like I said, just
              pretend you're studying--
SLY : --Although, if there were an earthquake, a cheerleader might get scared and swallow her
      gum. And then she'd need C.P.R.
TONY : Actually, if she swallowed her gum, she¡®d need the Heimlich maneuver.
SLY : A hug and a kiss.
TONY : Oh, yeah.
SLY : I love safety.
BLUMFORD : Let's just, oh, forget the Earthquake Drill, okay? We'll do a Fire Drill, instead. Now,
              pretend you're studying--
TONY : What happens if the sprinkler system just shuts down, then we'll be trapped in here like
        a bunch of frankfurters at a weenie roast?
SLY : Yeah, and the chairs melt so you can't break the windows and the cheerleaders get
      smoke inhalation.
TONY : Uh, now that's C.P.R.
SLY : I knnoooow.
BLUMFORD : Alright! That's it! I've had it. No more drills! Just... pretend you're studying.
SLY : What's his problem?
TONY : You got me.
TIFFANI : Why do we need drills, anyway?
MARK : Yeah, nothing ever happens around here.
DAVID : Hey, Jake Sommers just crashed his motorcycle down at Sharkey's!
LORENA : Oh, no!
LORENA : Jake, are you alright?
JAKE : Oh, yeah, I'm... I'm a little dazed, but I'm fine.
SLY : Good, cause I've got fifty bucks on you beating that Keating bozo.
TIFFANI : Stop it, Sly. Gosh, sometimes you can be so annoying.
SLY : Hey, I am not annoying. It's just that I get on people's nerves.
MARK : Jake, what happened?
JAKE : Well, I'm out in the parking lot, practicing for that race, and than--ka-blam! I hit this
       speed bump. Then I'm completely out of control. I come through the door, and there's
       french fries flying everywhere.
LORENA : Oh, no! He's bleeding! He's bleeding!
JAKE : Oh, no, I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!
SLY : Chill out. It's just ketchup. Mmm...good.
JAKE : I knew that. You know, I don't remember there being a speed bump out there.
LORENA : Yeah, what kind of idiot would put a speed bump in the parking lot?
TONY : Uh, would you believe a safety-minded idiot?
MARK : Oh, great. Just what we needed.
TOMMY : Hey, Sommers. Last time I checked, Sharkey's wasn't a drive-thru.
MARK : Actually, when Sharkey's first opened, it was a drive-thru. The girls used to wear
        these cute little skirts, a cotton blend, if my memory serves me right--
TIFFANI : Shut up, Mark.
TOMMY : So I suppose this is where you back out of the race, using your busted-up bike as
          an excuse. Right?
TIFFANI : Wrong. Jake Sommers doesn't do scared.
TONY : That's right.
SAM : Yeah! I mean, so what if he came this close to being scraped off the counter.
SAM : Body parts all over the place. A leg here. An arm there. His head ripped off, spurting
      blood all over--
JAKE : Okay, okay, Sam, I get the picture.
SAM : Jake isn't afraid of some weasel like you, Tommy. Right, Jake? Right?
JAKE : Oh, right.
TOMMY : So, the race is on. Uh... Wrong.
JAKE : Uh, it's not that I'm chicken or anything. It's just that it's, uh...safety week.
TOMMY : This is a pretty cool locker. And it's already decorated. I'll take it.
ALBERT : What do you mean? This is my locker.
TOMMY : And this is my fist.
ALBERT : And this is me leaving. Whoa!
TIFFANI : Sly, Tony, do something. Isn't he violating a safety rule?
TONY : Yep. And we're going to march right over there and give him what for.
SLY : Yep, just as soon as, uh, our break is over.
TONY : Yep.
LORENA : Thank goodness, Jake's here. He won't let this jerk-wad get away with pushing
           everybody around.
TOMMY : Hey, Sommers. What are you looking at?
JAKE : Me? Nothing.
TOMMY : Good. Keep it that way. Come on, girls. Let's get out of here. I'm allergic to chicken.
TONY : Ooh, man, Jake, that accident must've shaken you up more than we thought.
JAKE : What are you talking about?
LORENA : It's okay, we understand. Since you crashed your bike, you're a little afraid of things.
JAKE : Oh, gimme a break, I'm not scared of anything.
JAKE : Got any ideas?
TIFFANI : Well, you can't just curl up and die. You've got to get back on that bike and show
           yourslef you can still do it.
TONY : That's right.
SAM : Yeah, it's like my Uncle Tse Tse always says : "When you fall off the wild boar, you
       have to get right back on."
LORENA : You mean, a horse. You fall off a horse.
SAM : No, my Uncle Tse Tse's afraid of horses.
JAKE : You know what? You guys are right. I've got to get back on my bike.
SLY : That's the spirit.
JAKE : I don't get it. I mean, how could this happen again? It's like that speed bump got bigger.
TONY : Hey. Twice the size, twice the safety. Oops.
TONY : I'm...I'm sorry, Jake. Sometimes I get carried away, man.
LORENA : Well, I'll carry you away, you, you, Senor loco en la cabeza.
TONY : Good thing I got a "D" in Spanish, or I might be a little insulted.
JAKE : Guys, you know what this means, guys?
TIFFANI : Yeah, you got to get back on that bike and ride it a third time.
JAKE : What, are you nuts? I'm too young to die. From now on, I'm playing it safe. I'm out of
       here.
MARK : Hey, what about your bike?
JAKE : Uh... I'll send my mom for it.
TIFFANI : Oh, man. Poor Jake.
LORENA : Oh, don't worry, guys. I know Jake. By tomorrow morning, he'll be back to his old
           cool self.
BLUMFORD : I now pronounce you Captain of the Safety Patrol.
JAKE : Ow.
BLUMFORD : Welcome aboard, Sommers. With you as leader of the troops, that record is going
              to be mine.
SLY : Hey, this isn't fair. How come you just give him my sash and helmet?
BLUMFORD : Oh, you're right, Winkle. What was I thinking?
BLUMFORD : Give me back the whistle, too.
SLY : I can't believe this. All I wanted to do was help my fellow students and make this school
      a safer place. I don't think I'll ever recover.
BLUMFORD : Oh, gee, what kind of a role model would I be if I squashed is school spirit?
              Wait, Winkle, maybe I can use an extra Safety Monitor.
SLY : Hey, Maria, C.P.R. at three o'clock. Heh-heh-heh.
BLUMFORD : Forget it, Winkle.
SLY : You'll regret this, Principal Blumford.
BLUMFORD : Alrighty. Today is day one-thousand. All we have to do is make it to two o'clock .
              and I'm... heh-heh, I mean, we're in the record book.
SLY : Look at me. I have a sharp pencil, and I am running.
BLUMFORD : Okay, Sommers. Go get that Winkle.
JAKE : No way. What if he trips and stabs me? I could get lead poisoning.
BLUMFORD : Winkle!
JAKE : Hey, careful. Your shoelaces are untied. That's a safety no-no.
LORENA : I can't take this anymore. Sweetheart, I know those accidents were scary, but I think
           maybe you're taking this safety thing a little too far.
JAKE : Too many whistles, huh?
LORENA : No, not that. You've became somebody I don't know. I want the old Jake back. The
           exciting Jake. The passionate Jake.
JAKE : How about the all-in-one-piece Jake?
TOMMY : Hey, look. It's Jake the Fake, Safety Geek.
SAM : Back off, Tommy. Jake's got whistles and he's not afraid to use them!
JAKE : That's right.
TOMMY : Man, you're a disgrace to the word "cool" You know what I think? I think you don't
          deserve to wear this leather jacket. Hand it over.
SAM : He's crossed the line this time.
TIFFANI : Yeah, there are some things in life you just don't do. You don't bet against George
           Foreman. And you don't go "boogie, boogie, boogie" to a pitbull and you don't ever
           take leather from Jake.
JAKE : Well... okay. Uh, it's not worth having a fight over.
TOMMY : You mean it's not worth losing a fight over.
TOMMY : You can keep the french fry.
TONY : Hey, man. Uh, are you one of those pod people? Cause you sure ain't Jake Sommers.
JAKE : Listen, Tony. I'm just playing it safe. That's all.
TONY : Safe?! No, no, no, man, safe is wearing a bullet-proof vest at the post office. See, what
        you're doing is letting fear run your life. You've got to snap out of this, man.
JAKE : Get real, Tony; life is short, man. Why push your luck?
TOMMY : Look, it's obvious Jake is just a weenie. Why don't you and I take a ride on my bike
          to Paradise Cove after school?
JAKE : This guy just pushed his luck too far.
JAKE : Hey, Keating. Nobody messes with Jake Sommers girl.
TONY : Man, you could fry an egg on those lips.
LORENA : Yes! Jake's back! You're toast.
TOMMY : Oooooh, I'm scared. What's the big chicken gonna do--kiss me?
JAKE : Yeah... I'm gonna kiss you goodbyd, you dillweed. You can only push Jake Sommers so
       far.
TOMMY : Big talk from a guys who won't race.
JAKE : Who says I won't race?
MARK : Well, you did. Remember, yesterday you were down at Sharkey's, picking the cole slaw
        out of your pocket, and--
JAKE : Shut up, Mark. As of two o'clock, safety week is over, and we're racing.
JAKE : Unless you're a chicken.
TOMMY : That'll be the day. Just be sure that you show up at Sharkey's, Sommers.
TONY : Yeah. Go, Jake! Jake! Jake!
MARK : Way to go, Jake.
BLUMFORD : Oh, welcome, welcome... fifteen minutes and that record's ours. You know, in the
              right light, a lot of people say I look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
PHOTOGRAPHER : Yeah, when he played that guy who got pregnant.
BLUMFORD : Oh, Sommers! Wicks! Over here.
JAKE : Oh, sorry, Principal B. I'm turning in my helmet and sash.
BLUMFORD : What? Why? Don't you want a picture of yourself in the proud colors of the school
              safety patrol for people everywhere to see?
JAKE : Well, now that you put it that way... no. I'm out of here.
BLUMFORD : Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, Wicks.
TONY : Sorry, man. There are some things that are more important than a picture in a record
        book.
SAM : That's right. It's important that we be there to support Jake when he races Tommy.
TONY : Yep.
PHOTOGRAPHER : All right! A motorcycle race! This is my chance to break into action
                    photography!
BLUMFORD : Wait, everyone! Come back here! Just a few minutes and the record's ours. Come
              back... oh... What happened to that old P.C.H. spirit?
BLUMFORD : Ow! I bit my tongue! Oh! It's bleeding! Oh, no, there goes the record! Wait a
              minute. There's no one here. I could just pretend it never happened. who'd know?
SLY : Yeah. Who'd know?
SLY : Why, Principal Blumford, I'm shocked. That is so sleazy and self-serving.
BLUMFORD : Now, Winkle. Remember, the Principal is your pal.
SLY : Oh, yeah? Well, pal, I have three words for you: C. P. R.
BLUMFORD : Oh, come on now, be reasonable, I'm sure we can work something out.
SLY : Why, Principal Blumford, are you affering me a bribe?
BLUMFORD : No, no, no, no. Of course not.
SLY : Too bad. Smile.
BLUMFORD : Oh, Winkle, you...!
TOMMY : Sommers, I'm really surprised you showed up. Did you get a permission slip from
          your mommy?
JAKE : Ha. Ha. Let's see how loud you laugh when you're eating my dust.
LORENA : Yeah, that's right!
TOMMY : All right. Let's get it on, man.
JAKE : Uh, hold on. There's uh, one little change I want to make.
TOMMY : What? You want to race hoppity hops?
JAKE : No. If you want to replace Jake Sommers, you've got to earn it. I want to race
       Coolman's Curve.
MARK : Coolman's Curve! Are you nuts?!
TONY : Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jake, what are you thinking, man? Coolman's Curve is a windy-curvy-
        dark-and-swervy-body-crushin-boulevard-to-oblivion. And it's dangerous, too.
JAKE : Hey, you only live once.
LORENA : Uh, uh, Jake, can I see you for a second?
LORENA : You can't do this. Coolman's Curve has no lights, no pavement, no guardrails--
JAKE : No problem. I got this one wired.
LORENA : Jake, you're being crazy. This guy's a clown. He's not worth risking your life over.
JAKE : Trust me.
JAKE : Let's party.
TOMMY : Listen, uh, Coolman's Curve is cool with me. But, uh, I don't want to waste my gas
          getting up there just to have you chicken out.
JAKE : Maybe you're right. Maybe I will chicken out. Maybe when I get up there and I feel the    
       loose gravel under my wheels, I'll imagine myself hurdling to my fiery death--
JAKE : BOOM!
TOMMY : Oh, man.
JAKE : But, you'll never know until we get up there. So you've got to ask yourself--do you
       really think I'm chicken?
TOMMY : Uh, well, I'd...
JAKE : Uh, no, c'mon. Let's get on our bikes and see who survives... I mean, wins.
TOMMY : W-w-wait. Uh, I got to go. It's uh, not that I'm afraid. It's just, uh, I've got to go.
          Tonight's "Blossom" and I never miss it. See ya.
JAKE : Uh, hold on... aren't you forgetting something?
TOMMY : Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Here you go.
SLY : I won fifty dollars! I won fifty dollars! I won fifty--Uh, I mean... Jake's okay! Jake's
      okay!
LORENA : Thank goodness.
TIFFANI : Well, how about that. Tommy wasn't as tough as we thought he was.
JAKE : Hey, he hadn't met the master. I mean, I took him to his limit and he backed down.
       Happens all the time with people like that. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's something
       I've got to do.
LORENA : Oh, no, you don't! I'm not gonna let you ride Coolman's Curve!
JAKE : Who said anything about Coolman's Curve? I just want to beat that strpid speed bump.

-THE END-